Who Are You?

The "Teen" years. How do you remember yours? Do you grimace and cringe a little bit or do you smile and see high school in a rosy glow? Whether our teens were spent in penny loafers, granny dresses, prairie skirts, Nik Nik shirts or acid washed jeans, our personal experiences probably reflect on how we handle our own child's adolescence.

The way we react to when and how our child's adolescence begins will largely be a function of our own adolescent experience. Parents whose middle name was "Trouble" will tend to feel distrustful of what their child is up to. Parents who still have their Homecoming Crown or Football Jersey tend to look forward to their kids' adolescence. Those of us whose teen years were riddled with angst and social mockery will dread their child's own experience and anticipate every imagined angst and issue.

News Flash. We cannot predict what kind of adolescence our child will have, and we cannot predict how events in our child's life will play themselves out. We can watch closely, and with interest, but we shouldn't impose our experiences and our expectations on our teen.

Are Teens a Different Species?

You've dreaded the moment for years, still you're surprised by it the day it happens. You look over at your child, and you need to look up to see if his face is dirty. It is, so you wipe the dirt with your hand, and you realize it's not dirt, it's hair. Precious has a beard. Or, out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of a beauty walking down the street and as you turn to stare you realize with horror that it's your 13-year-old daughter, and "What is she wearing!" Your 11-year-old isn't rolling in dirt anymore, she's spending hours in the shower. Your 12-year-old no longer laughs at your jokes. Adolescence has struck.

New Tactics Needed

He may be taller than you, he may drive and he may prefer anywhere but where you are. But.... he's still a child, still your child, and he still needs guidance, just not in the same way. Here are some things to keep in mind about the strange creature that has taken over your child's body and is living in your house:

Contrary to popular belief, your adolescent doesn't want a fight any more than you do. Look for the positive intent!

Many communication problems happen because parents and adolescent children have different world views and interpret events in very different ways.

His world view is influenced by the natural hormones surging through his body. Between two people coming from such different perspectives, communication becomes even more important.

Your cover has been blown. Your adolescent becomes painfully aware that you are only human, and he may feel betrayed. Mom or Dad are no longer invincible, no longer perfect.

Your adolescent child is fragile and new, but he doesn't need to be protected against the world completely. Actually, he needs his limits reset wider.

From the time they were toddlers, we have been our children's trampoline. We have been something for our son or daughter to propel from, something safe and bouncy to land on. When our adolescent leaps and pushes off from us, he's not deliberately hurting our feelings. She is pushing toward adulthood, leaping toward the sky. And isn't that just where we want them to be be?