What Do I Say, Teach or Learn?

Have you recently had a situation with your own teen that you weren't sure how to handle? It's a rare parent who has all the answers. Heck. I’d worry if I did have all the answers. Parents face many situations where the answer isn't cut and dried. How do you know if you should say yes or no to your young teen's request to go to the movie with friends? Or in a car with a young driver? Or to a party or to a with people you don’t know?

On Sue Blaney's "Stop the Rollercoaster" website, she offers a tool to help. She advises, "What do I need to teach, say or learn?"

Using our three examples from above:
1. You are trying to decide if your young teen will receive your permission to go to the movie at the mall with friends. Ask yourself: "What do I need to teach?"
Have you taught her what to do in an emergency? How to find help at the mall? What to do if somebody does or says something that makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe? Review with her the skills she may need; be sure you have updated them and they are age appropriate for situations that change as she grows.

2. Are you going to allow your son to go out in a car with a teen driver? Here you might ask yourself: "What do I need to say?"
Go ahead… Even if you’ve stated your rules before, you can say them again...you want your voice in his precious little head! Under what circumstances is he allowed in cars with friends? If this hasn't been stated, this is an important topic to discuss. State the consequences if he breaks this rules. (As an aside, this is a rule that is too often broken and sometimes with devastating consequences, so be clear on your rules about riding in cars.)

3. Will you allow her to go to a party with people you don't know? In this case you might ask yourself: "What do I need to learn? "
You need to be in information-gathering mode to offer the right answer in this situation. Do you have all the facts? Where will the party be? Will there be supervision? How many people are expected to attend? How late will it go? How is she getting home? If your teen doesn't have answers that satisfy you don't be shy to make some calls yourself...which may be a smarter way to go anyway. Identify the information you need to ensure her safety and don't let her go until you've learned what you need to know.

"What do I need to teach, say or learn?" can guide a parent through many situations. It seems a simple and helpful tool to eliminate a few of those gray areas we all seem to encounter with out kids. chrissie