Shut Up and Listen

Have you ever done something embarrassing? Something you were ashamed of? Something you wish you could take back? Of course. Haven't we all? I still shudder about an incident or two.

Shame undermines one's confidence. If you are a teenager your confidence is likely to be fragile and ever-changing anyway. Even if your teenager has done something very dumb, and needs to have some serious correction, tread carefully. You don’t want to shame her...that is counter-productive.

A teenager is going to make mistakes and need correction. While we guide our teen to learn from his mistakes, we need to try to do this in a way that is positive and builds him up. Helping our teen develop a strong sense of self is essential to developing his ability to say no at times, to extricate himself from bad situations, and to ultimately make choices that reflect his (and hopefully our) values.

This won't always be easy. You may have to bite your tongue at first. This buys you time to think strategically and control what is said. Deep breath. Deep Breath.

Some tips from Sue Blaney-( http://www.parentingteensinfo.com) Tread carefully; try not to over-react; think things through before you respond to delicate situations, and when you do respond it's probably best to do it privately. Helping your teen to save face ensures you are on the same side of the table, not adversaries with opposing goals. Humiliation is not a good companion to criticism.

When an incident occurs that needs discussion or action, wait at first. Let your teen talk. Lead the conversation so it is not just making excuses but results in serious evaluation and reflection. Discuss reasonable consequences with your child. Make a negative a positive by establishing expectations, boundaries and possible repercussions in a calm and non-judgemental way. As someone once said, hate the sin, love the sinner.

If wishes were fishes, I'd wish these "awkward" or "dangerous" moments never happened with teens, but as the Mother of four, I can promise you that they do. Handling them in a rational and constructive manner makes life with your son or daughter easier and less traumatic. Keeping the lines of communication open, no matter what the phone call, is one of the most important tools we can use as a parent. chrissie