Oh those familiar words. "You're wearing THAT?" I wonder how many women have either said that or had it said to them at some point in their lives. Conversations between mothers and daughter are the topic of Dr. Deborah Tannen's book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Click here to read a great article by Dr. Tannen on the subject.
http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/book_youre_wearing.html
Tannen discussed the relationship between mother and daughter and the language we use that can make a normal conversation become explosive. She wrote the book during the last years of her own mother's life and her insight grew as she took care of her mother during her last days.
Tanned says that for women, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. We understand that men cringe when women say "we need to talk." But when two women, very close in a relationship converse, something unintended can turn into a volatile word battle. A simple question like "Are you going to quarter those tomatoes" can be taken as a question of judgement. I am older...I know better....
Anyone who has lived long enough knows that those kinds of statements can come back to bite you. Pretty soon it is the daughter who is asking the questions. "Mom, did you really mean to put the newspaper in the refrigerator?" Ok, well no one has asked me that one yet, but you get the drift.
Tannen says a mother's critical statements continue into adulthood. It is almost a self-criticizing circle and search for acceptance. The big three areas of criticizing and need for acceptance in the uniqueness of each person's style are hair, clothes, and weight. Enough said.
My mother was very accepting and never said anything critical of me. I appreciate that so much now. I wish she were here for me to tell her.
http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/book_youre_wearing.html
Tannen discussed the relationship between mother and daughter and the language we use that can make a normal conversation become explosive. She wrote the book during the last years of her own mother's life and her insight grew as she took care of her mother during her last days.
Tanned says that for women, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. We understand that men cringe when women say "we need to talk." But when two women, very close in a relationship converse, something unintended can turn into a volatile word battle. A simple question like "Are you going to quarter those tomatoes" can be taken as a question of judgement. I am older...I know better....
Anyone who has lived long enough knows that those kinds of statements can come back to bite you. Pretty soon it is the daughter who is asking the questions. "Mom, did you really mean to put the newspaper in the refrigerator?" Ok, well no one has asked me that one yet, but you get the drift.
Tannen says a mother's critical statements continue into adulthood. It is almost a self-criticizing circle and search for acceptance. The big three areas of criticizing and need for acceptance in the uniqueness of each person's style are hair, clothes, and weight. Enough said.
My mother was very accepting and never said anything critical of me. I appreciate that so much now. I wish she were here for me to tell her.
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