Loving our Teen

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

Have a great last week of 2010. Enjoy your time with family and friends. Have a wonderful New Year weekend. chrissie