Hard TImes and Life Lessons

“I missed three chapters in math when I was out sick. No way can I catch up!”

“Tom broke up with me. It hurts so much!”

“I didn’t make the school play. Why did I even try out?”

It’s never easy to see your teenager suffer a setback, but hard times come to everyone. Instead of overprotecting your teens or rushing in with ready solutions, it’s better to teach them how to be strong and self reliant so they don’t give up when calamity strikes. How do we build resilience in our children so they can handle disappointments?

Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and author of A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens, offers tips for turning whiners into winners.

Solutions

#1. Give your child unconditional love.

If you judge your teen based on his school performance or athletic prowess, you risk raising either a rebel or a perfectionist. Instead, hold high expectations for him to be a good person, and encourage values like integrity, empathy, and perseverance.
Say your son injures his knees in a game and  wasn’t able to finish the basketball season. It's a major disappointment since he was co-captain of his team.   Urge him to attend every practice and cheer at every game. He does so, earning new respect from his teammates.  Teach a life lesson that character and honor will pull him through.

#2  Be a Role Model for Handling Stress

Let your kids see you eating well, getting sufficient sleep, and reacting calmly to things that are out of your control. Talk out loud about what you’re doing to resolve a problem. For instance, you might say: ”I’m going for a run now because it helps me unwind.“ Or, ”I’m calling Aunt Lois because she always listens to my concerns.”   
.Admits when you are having a hard time and assure your child you will feel better later. It’s important for them to know we feel too and  that it’s okay to show  feelings.

#3.    Get teens on the right track.

Every situation that feels completely overwhelming can be broken down into a few steps. To help teens understand this, Dr.Kenneth Ginsburg recommends the Ladder Technique. Have your child draw two ladders, one leading to a negative outcome and one leading to the desired outcome. Ask him to identify what steps he’d have to take to reach the top of each ladder. When he sees that there are small, manageable steps he can take to get where he wants to go, then he has regained control and can start moving in the right direction – one rung at a time. This can encourage them to take positive risks.

#4.    Help teens look outside themselves.

Teens are often portrayed as lazy and self-centered, but imagine if they were surrounded by people thanking them for their help, suggests Dr. Ginsburg. Find ways to let them:

• support a charity,
• lend a hand to a needy neighbor,
• initiate and manage a family project, or
• share their opinions about a global issue.

By contributing to society, kids gain a sense of purpose beyond their own concerns. When they see that it’s okay to reach out to people, they’ll be more likely to seek help when they need it for themselves.
Life is full of bumps and turns, but they always seem to come packaged as a lesson worth learning. If kids are given the chance to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions, they are far less likely to see themselves as passive victims and blame others. They learn that mistakes happen and next time they’ll be better prepared.

This is the core of resilience – when faced with adversity, failure, or stress, kids who have a true center of control will be able to bounce back. And that's a good place to be.  chrissie