Take Two Steps Back

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Last week we discussed letting our children stand on their own two feet. Letting them succeed on their own merit. And conversely, how to let them fail without our interfering or rescuing. Joey Green says, in The Road to Success is Paved with Failure:...Failure builds character, helps you hone your skills, tests your determination, fortifies you with eight essential vitamins, and gives you the inner strength and courage to go back out there and fall flat on your face all over again... Just remember, everyone falls down. You're not a failure until you don't get back up."

An interesting side note to parents who rescue comes from Sue Blaney. She has an excellent web site entitled "Please Stop The Roller-Coaster" -Tips and Tools for Successful Parenting. Blaney points out that protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences -for not just the teen, but for the parents too.

Helicopter (hovering) parenting may be a symptom of a larger issue: Parents who have a tendency to be controllers, and who over-identify with their child's success, report less joy and satisfaction in life, according to a study that was released recently at a conference for Research in Child Development. These parents answered positively to the statement, "My daughter's failure can make me feel ashamed." For those parents, the connection between their self-esteem and their child's success is clear. What is less obvious, is these same parents continue to have less satisfaction in their life even when their child is performing well! It seems the real issue is that when self-worth is dependent on others’ behavior, it fosters intense emotions, greater mood swings, and less satisfaction.

A great metaphor might be those little girl beauty pageants. Have you seen the reality show that goes behind the scenes as 5- year- old's are spray tanned, eye lashed, poufed, curled, rouged and sequined within an inch of their tiny little bodies. What is revealing and horrifying is the camera shots of the Mother, Grandmother, and often a Dad as they mouth the words to the song, tap the dance steps next to the folding chairs in the audience and coax, plead, bribe and punish an often exhausted and disheartened little girl. The adults are so "into" the silly little contest. They visually and verbally project the little girl's "winning" into a personal triumph. Or, a personal loss, blamed on everyone but themselves. There was a parting shot of a triumphant Mother carrying a 5 foot trophy out to her car. Then a shot of the losing Mother's expression as she walked out to her car, empty handed. Her anger and dejection was vitriolic and bitter as she spewed poison within earshot of her child. Don't we do that when we make success the only accepted outcome for our teens?

The bottom line? Helicopter parenting is an approach fraught with downsides. Parents need to keep working at their degree of involvement until they get the balance right- if not for their teen, then for themselves. So, we need to find other things to concern ourselves with. We need to find other interests. If a passion hasn't surfaced yet, it's time to start looking! A well-rounded parent will have less time to fret and will additionally, model a well-rounded life.

Happy Easter from Melony and Me. Have a wonderful weekend with your family. Dye eggs, go to church, bake hams and take lots of pictures. We're all making those memories, at every opportunity!