Words from the Wise

 In the years I have been writing The Care and Feeding of Teenagers, I have often relied on others.  Others who are far more educated and wiser than me.  One favorite expert has been Sue Blaney, author and blogger-Please Stop the Roller Coaster.  What follows is her last "two minute" tips for raising Tweens and Teens. Check her archives for lots of good advice.  Happy March. chrissie

This is my last 2 Minute Tip. As I have told you, I will be shutting down this website before the end of 2012. As I prepare to say goodbye, I have been reflecting on my experiences in parenting and in what I have learned from working with so many of you across the country over the past 10 years.
I don’t need to tell you that this is a dynamic time in your family’s life…you know that. Over the years I have observed something I want to share with you: that there are times even the most educated and professionally successful parents feel challenged to their core. While watching your teenagers develop and grow is exciting and fun, it can also be a time filled with contradictions, confusion and mixed messages. I remember the time I had a Nobel prize winner in one of my workshops – his 14 year old daughter had virtually brought him to his knees! There are many parents whose confidence gets severely tested as they raise their teenagers.

For that reason, the single most important thing I believe you can do is to reach out and connect with other parents. There is so much to learn from one another, and so many benefits from sharing your journey. That was why I started working in this field, to help connect parents in safe and helpful ways.

Here is a short list of 10 suggestions I’d like to leave you with in this final 2 Minute Tip. This is “what I know now” about parenting teenagers:
1. Have faith. The odds are really good that things will work out just fine.
2. Believe in your teen’s goodness.
3. Know something about adolescent development so your expectations are age appropriate and realistic.
4. Understand that teens still have a lot of growing up to do after high school. Don’t expect your high school student to think or act like an adult.
5. Be mindful of what you are bringing to the family dynamic. You can be part of the problem or part of the solution.
6. Sometimes parenting requires you to swallow your pride.
7. Try really hard not to judge other parents, kids and families.
8. If you feel yourself suffering from fear and worry you need to objectively assess what is happening. Are you over-reacting? How serious is the situation? Would you benefit from outside help? Getting professional help is never a sign of weakness, there are times it is exactly the right thing to do.
9. Never worry alone.
10. More than anything, focus on your relationship with your teen…

• Tune in to his/her feelings,
• Listen more than you speak
• Express your love [in ways that are comfortable for your teen],
• Spend time having fun together,
• Make sure he/she knows you are always in his court,
• Let your teenager know you don’t expect perfection,
• Make it clear that you care about a lot more than his grades and academic success.

It has been my privilege walking along beside you as you raise your teenagers. Thank you for allowing me into your life. Here’s to a great future for you and your family!
I’m leaving you with links to a couple of favorite items…

• the Parents’ Action Tool is a one page download of an item parents have found very  helpful,
• “What I Know Now: An Open Letter to My Recent Teens” may be the most popular post I have written, and I have closed every talk with it. If you haven’t read this, don’t miss it.

Thank you again….and God Bless.
Download the Parents’ Action Tool:

Take Two Steps Back

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Last week we discussed letting our children stand on their own two feet. Letting them succeed on their own merit. And conversely, how to let them fail without our interfering or rescuing. Joey Green says, in The Road to Success is Paved with Failure:...Failure builds character, helps you hone your skills, tests your determination, fortifies you with eight essential vitamins, and gives you the inner strength and courage to go back out there and fall flat on your face all over again... Just remember, everyone falls down. You're not a failure until you don't get back up."

An interesting side note to parents who rescue comes from Sue Blaney. She has an excellent web site entitled "Please Stop The Roller-Coaster" -Tips and Tools for Successful Parenting. Blaney points out that protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences -for not just the teen, but for the parents too.

Helicopter (hovering) parenting may be a symptom of a larger issue: Parents who have a tendency to be controllers, and who over-identify with their child's success, report less joy and satisfaction in life, according to a study that was released recently at a conference for Research in Child Development. These parents answered positively to the statement, "My daughter's failure can make me feel ashamed." For those parents, the connection between their self-esteem and their child's success is clear. What is less obvious, is these same parents continue to have less satisfaction in their life even when their child is performing well! It seems the real issue is that when self-worth is dependent on others’ behavior, it fosters intense emotions, greater mood swings, and less satisfaction.

A great metaphor might be those little girl beauty pageants. Have you seen the reality show that goes behind the scenes as 5- year- old's are spray tanned, eye lashed, poufed, curled, rouged and sequined within an inch of their tiny little bodies. What is revealing and horrifying is the camera shots of the Mother, Grandmother, and often a Dad as they mouth the words to the song, tap the dance steps next to the folding chairs in the audience and coax, plead, bribe and punish an often exhausted and disheartened little girl. The adults are so "into" the silly little contest. They visually and verbally project the little girl's "winning" into a personal triumph. Or, a personal loss, blamed on everyone but themselves. There was a parting shot of a triumphant Mother carrying a 5 foot trophy out to her car. Then a shot of the losing Mother's expression as she walked out to her car, empty handed. Her anger and dejection was vitriolic and bitter as she spewed poison within earshot of her child. Don't we do that when we make success the only accepted outcome for our teens?

The bottom line? Helicopter parenting is an approach fraught with downsides. Parents need to keep working at their degree of involvement until they get the balance right- if not for their teen, then for themselves. So, we need to find other things to concern ourselves with. We need to find other interests. If a passion hasn't surfaced yet, it's time to start looking! A well-rounded parent will have less time to fret and will additionally, model a well-rounded life.

Happy Easter from Melony and Me. Have a wonderful weekend with your family. Dye eggs, go to church, bake hams and take lots of pictures. We're all making those memories, at every opportunity!