Give Me Just A Little More Time

It seems Mel and I bounce around on both ends of the parenting spectrum. My last entry was about parents who hover and fight all their children's battles. This week I was stopped by a Mom who was concerned about a rocky transition her new middle - schooler was facing and how helpless the Mother feels. Secondly, a teacher friend confided how few parents attended his Parent/Teacher conferences, in particular, those who had been specifically contacted by the teacher to attend. So, forgive me as I see-saw back from the too muchers to the not enoughers.

Let's face it - a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for both kids and parents. One thing parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement after elementary school. Often, participation becomes less and the chasm between school and home lengthens.

Finding the best ways to support teenagers in secondary school can be confusing for many reasons: 1.) parents think they hear other parents saying they should not be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what us the right degree of involvement? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools...yet involvement looks and feels different than it did in elementary school. It is more difficult to find a niche. No more Halloween cupcakes for homeroom or running copies in the office. But the experts say to stay actively involved and engaged in your child's education. Why?
· By involving yourself in your child's middle or high school you are showing him or her that you value education. When you attend school events you are demonstrating commitment to education. This may be one of the most powerful ways to instill this value in your teen.
* Students with parents who are involved in their school tend to have better academic performance, fewer behavioral problems, and they are more likely to complete high school.
* Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.
* The relationships you develop at school will give you information and insight as to your teen's world, friendships, and the expectations your child is faced with.
* Your involvement lets the school staff know that you value education and that you are someone with whom they can have a relationship. This can have a direct and positive effect on their educational experience.
* Should issues arise at the school, or with your child, you will already have relationships with people there that can help you.
* Schools need your help. Schools are often understaffed due to tight budgets and they can use your help in many ways.
* The more in touch you are with your community, and your child's friends and friends’ families, the more you are able to knowledgeably support your teen.
* If you want to see change, the best way to impact it is to be involved from the inside.

What is the right level of involvement? Much of this will depend on you and your teenager.
Here are a few guidelines:
# Read all the paperwork and access web sites from your teen's school. Have a sense of what is going on there; keep all phone numbers, calendars, bus info, and contact information handy.
# Be sure to attend the school open house offered in the fall. It is important to meet your child's teachers, and this venue provides the best way to do so.
# If your child has particular issues, it is appropriate to discuss these with your teenager’s guidance counselor and/or teachers. Work with the school to address issues; they can guide you about working within their system.
# Viewing your teenager's assignment notebook regularly can be an excellent way to stay informed about school assignments without being over-bearing. (Note: MPS has on-line access to your student's grades. You may also directly access individual teachers via E-Mail.
# If your child is participating in school sports or other activities, be sure to attend the games. This provides you with the opportunity to meet other parents and some of your teen's new friends.

So, get engaged. Get involved. Make your child's middle school and high school years a top priority. Parent involvement: It is still your responsibility when your teenagers enter secondary school. Involvment makes a difference in your child's success and paves the way for a bright and shiny future.

Marching to the Drum of a Different Beater

First, I would like to make one plea in light of another school shooting (in fact this past week there were three such shootings in America that I know of, one involving a school, another a staff development session, and another a 20-year-old who shot up his friends while they were sleeping. As I have pointed out before, all the shooters were young men.).

My plea is this: parents, please, please, please talk to your children about not making snide, rude remarks even jokingly, outloud or even whispered, about another person, foe or even friend. Today's kids say whatever pops into their minds without thinking first and it is very often hurtful, sometimes without even meaning to be, but from what I have observed today, most are completely premeditated.

I don't want to analyze why shooters shoot (although this isn't hard to imagine) or why kids say everything that pops into their head outloud these days (although Chrissie's previous article might explain part of it). But, I cannot reiterate enough: please, please tell your middle and high school aged children not to make fun of someone, even jokingly. Talk to them today.

I can hear some people now saying that it is a cold, cruel world and people should learn to take things in stride. It may be a cold world, but it's not colder than seeing your child lowered into the cold ground, shot by another child who felt someone had bullied him. It's not colder than the heartbreak parents must feel at seeing their child, who had been laughed at one time too many, locked up in a cold juvenile detention cell until he is 18 for taking a gun to school.

Proverbs says "Death and life are in the power of the word." The word death comes first in the statement because words can kill another person, maybe not physically, but just as surely mentally. At a young age the words are harder to get over. They leave deep wounds.

After a blog I wrote following the VT shooting, one young man wrote in to say that he could totally understand why the gunman did what he did, as some teens/young adults are fed up with the insults done them on a daily basis, by acquaintances, school mates, stangers, even just by society in general. In a society in which everyone feels entitled, rage is going to be the end result.

I cannot urge you enough to talk to your child about not saying hurtful things about other people out loud, nor under his/her breath for that matter, as they are audible in another equally hurtful way. Teach your child to deal straightforwardly with people, to mind his or her own business, and to treat others the way he or she would like to be treated. While they may feel entitled because they have been told their opinion is all important by our *me, me, me* society, the stark reality is that they are not entitled to say whatever they want about another person outloud and it can only lead to trouble if they do.

There is freedaom of speech, yes, but there is not freedom to bully others. Oklahoma has anti-bullying legislation. The Oklahoma State Department of Education also has a hotline for reporting any kind of suspicious behavior.

In a related issue, NPR has just done a story on boot camps aimed at reforming drastic teen behavior. At live-in boot camps kids have been beaten and even killed. There must be some proven benefit in behavior modification or boot camps would not continue to exist. If you are at the end of your rope with your teen and are contemplating sending your child to such a facility, I would thoroughly investigate it before commiting, no matter how desperate you are. I have not heard any bad reports on Oklahoma's teen boot camps, which is hopefully to our credit.

Here is the link to the NPR story:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15149800

Are You Hovering?

We all love our teens and want only the best for them. We cheer them on at their athletic events, help them with their homework, and give them kudos for all their accomplishments, even the small ones. It is Parenting 101, right? Be there for your kids and celebrate their successes. In doing so, you raise children with great self-esteem and the ability to tackle life's toughest challenges.

Seems simple enough, but there are a lot of us who don't get it quite right. A little imperfection in our parenting skills is a given, but there some parents who really like being in the driver's seat…so much so, that their children may have a hard time actually learning how to drive, on the road of life, that is.

Welcome to the era of helicopter parenting.
Some people argue that you can't love your kids too much, but it is possible to take parental involvement too far. It's easy to do. From the moment our kids step foot into Kindergarten, we're encouraged to help with homework, volunteer, chaperon field trips, provide treats for parties, and attend events all year long to recognize our kids and their accomplishments. With all the focus on achievement, it seems only natural that we would continue in that role for a few years until the kids can take the reins themselves.

Preferably, it is somewhere around middle school when we stop helping out with artwork on our children's science projects and going over all of their homework with a fine-toothed comb to check for neatness and accuracy. If high school rolls around and you're still doing those sorts of things, you may want to take a look at why. It's fine to track your child's progress, but there comes a time when they must learn to stand on their own two feet.

Not sure if you're crossing Helicopter Parent line? Peterson's College Prep web site offers the following quiz. Are you doing any of the following:

1. Intervene with the teacher or principal every time your child complains about a person, an assignment, or a grade - rather than letting them attempt to resolve the problem themselves first.
2. Complain to your child's teachers every time he or she has a grade that you don't agree with - even if your child earned it.
3. Refuse to let your child go anywhere outside of school unsupervised by you - even when they're in high school.
4. Provide your child a cell phone and call several times a day to see where they are or "just to see what they're doing."
5. Correct, complete, or rewrite your child's homework assignments to ensure that they are done correctly and neatly.

These are just a few examples, and most of us might be guilty. The key difference between "normal" and "helicopter" is being over-involved in every aspect of your child's life, particularly when it comes to school. If you find yourself constantly intervening to avoid any negative outcomes or impact to your child, then that's a problem.

With all the focus on achievement and the importance of getting into a good school, some parents rationalize their behavior as a necessary means of protecting their "investment'. For some parents, the college-planning years are prime time for becoming enmeshed with their children's affairs. They may find themselves writing their child's college application essays in an effort to ensure admission to a good school. And for some, it may not end there. Some admit to editing their child's college papers and tracking along with class assignments by keeping their own copies of their child's syllabi. A recent article by ABC News even profiled some parents who phone their children every morning to wake them up for class, balance their checkbooks, or drive two hours every week to clean their child's dorm room! (There's a special term for parents like that....Black Hawks!) It's one thing to help them with their laundry when they come home to visit, but when they're back on campus, they need to take responsibility for their own lives.

Helicopter parents are not necessarily bad parents, and they do not need to turn their backs on their children altogether. What they do need to do is allow their children to make decisions for themselves, to make mistakes, and to learn from the choices they make. Trust me when I say this: if you do your parenting job well, your kids will seek your help when they need it...and they likely will need it, even when they're 21 (or older).

Whatever your behavior is when it comes to involvement in your child's life, the key to making it successful is a willingness to monitor your own behavior, not just that of your child. We sometimes get so caught up in raising "perfect" children, we forget that we are not perfect ourselves. We shouldn't expect our kids to be. Let them make mistakes that they can learn and grow from. In the grand scheme of things, a few poor grades here or there probably are not going to make or break them. If your children don't get into Harvard or Yale, chances are they will still be just fine. Their character and success will be better defined through your parenting, their life experiences, and how they're taught to deal with challenges, not by the reputation of the school they attend.

Feed Me!

You have a great kid, and great kids deserve great food. But, so do great parents. If you have eaten the requisite 120 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (1 box per month x 12 months x 10 years), but your pre-teen's taste buds have not matured yet, there is a great recipe for Sophisto Joes in this month's issue (October, 2007) of Gourmet Magazine. It's nothing new, but the upgraded Sloppy Joe does satisfy the taste buds of both parents and teens.

Here is the basic premise, if you have never tried to upgrade your Manwich Sloppy Joe sauce:

1 can petit diced tomatoes, drained
1 medium red onion, chopped
2 tablespoons minced garlic
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium carrot, diced
1 celery rib, chopped
1 1/2 lbs. ground sirloin
1 tabelspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 cup dry red wine
(or 1/4 cup catsup, 4 tablespoons A-1)
2 tablespoons Worcestershire
1 1/2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
Hearty wheat or kaiser rolls
Cook onion and garlic in butter in a 12 inch skillet over medium heat until onion is tranparent. Add carrots, celery and 1/2 teaspoon salt and cook about 4 minutes until vegetables are tender. Add beef and brown, chopping into smaller pieces, about 5 minutes, until beef is cooked through. Add tomatoes, chili powder, cumin, salt and pepper to taste and cook about 2 minutes, then add wine (or catsup sauce mix), Worcestershire and brown sugar; bring to a boil, stirring occasionally until sauce has thickened and reduced, about 6 minutes.

Serve with Terra chips for the adults/the standard favorite for your teen, and ranch dip with sliced red pepper, baby carrots, and celery, and - voila - an easy, but tasty meal the whole family can enjoy!

Back to this month's Gourmet - if you are feeling really tricky, you might try the sloppy joes with the sweet potato hash with bacon on p. 183, accompanied by the pumpkin bread pudding on p. 184, which looks really scrumptious (I am definitely going to make that) and the peanut butter brownies on p. 42. Yum!!

If you have a great recipe for feeding teens and don't mind sharing, leave it as a comment in the reply section and we will post it. Happy eating to you and yours!

God Bless Amerika

Melony's last column struck a nerve. I #1. Know of no better and more committed teacher that Mel and #2. Know if she is concerned, we all should be. The dummying down of America is definitely an issue. Just watch the Jay-Walking segment on The Tonight Show. Passers-by are shown pictures of important people such as Winston Churchill or asked who discovered the cure for polio, or to recite the words to The Star Spangled Banner.....and course the bit is, most of those Americans questioned do not have a clue. Name one Supreme Court judge. Uh......Simon Cowell?

They are then shown pictures of Paris Hilton or asked to identify a current popular TV jingle. How about, what are the ingredients in a Mojito? You guessed it. Bingo. Right every time.

Perhaps you have heard about the new citizenship test, to be implemented next fall. There has been quite a buzz about it on NPR and on the news shows. With much fanfare, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service recently announced the introduction of a redesigned naturalization test. Trumpeted as a great improvement over the old examination, the new format will "focus on the concepts of democracy and the rights and responsibilities of citizenship." Some critics and immigrants' rights advocates have complained that the new citizenship test is too demanding, asking questions that nearly all Americans, whether native born or naturalized, would be hard-pressed to answer.

Below is a sample of the questions. Can your teen answer them?

*Can You?.*

1. What type of economic system does the U.S. have?
2. We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years?
3. The House of Representatives has how many voting members?
4. Who is the Commander-in-Chief of the military?
5. Name one thing only the federal government can do.
6. Name our three major enemies during WWII
7. Name one responsibility that is only for United States citizens.
8. When was the Constitution drafted?
9. Who lived in America before the Europeans arrived?
10. Which U.S. World War II general later became President?
11. Name the 13 original states
12 Name one right or freedom guaranteed by the First Amendment.
13. From the following choices, which type of government best described the U.S.?
Monarchy,republic, socialist, democracy?
14. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death"?
*******************************************************************
1.Answer: Capitalist economy or Free market or, Market economy
2.Answer: Six years
3. Answer: 435 members
4.Answer: The President
5. Answer: Print money or Declare war or Create an army or Make treaties
6.Answer: Japan, Germany and Italy
7. Answer: Vote or Serve on a jury
8. Answer: 1787
9. Answer: The Native Americans or American Indians
10.Answer: Dwight Eisenhower
11.Answer: Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Caroline and Virginia
12. Answer: Freedom of Speech, Assembly, Religion and to Petition the Government
13. Answer: Republic
14. Answer: Patrick Henry
********************************************************************
If we forget what we have done, we will forget who we are, warned Ronald Reagan in his Farewell Address. America: The Last Best Hope by William Bennett, responds to Reagan's heartfelt call for an informed patriotism. All of us need to know more about this land we love and the people who have made it possible for us to lead free and happy lives. America as the last best hope, comes from Lincoln's second message to Congress. He used that phrase when things looked far bleaker than they do today. Lincoln never lost faith in America, this last best hope of earth . Nor should we.

How can we expect the next generation to continue this place we call America if they don't know what it is? If young citizens don't understand this grand experiment our forefathers envisioned; how can our government, "By the People and For the People" be protected and preserved?
When information is assimilated on MTV and through People Magazine, intelligent debate goes out the window. Life as we know it, Liberty as we expect it and the Pursuit of Happiness is not just a given. Ask men and women who have served our country. Ask men and women outside our borders who see us as the promised land. Ask those who wish to take our way of life away. Our children must see that American citizenship is not only a privilege, it is a responsibility.

High School Philosophy

One reason foreign countries are often ahead of us in education is that they don't mess around. Their philosophy is that students should be taking courses rich in content from an early age. Students begin chemistry in middle school and are exposed to complex literary and historical issues which engage the brain with their quality. The foreign exchange students I have met have also had a course in the great ideas of Western man, his literature, art, and philosophy. They can discuss the works of Plato or intricate details of literature and the historical and philosophical ideas underlying the writer's viewpoint. It doesn't reach everybody by any means, and those who can't cut it are dropped out of the system and funneled on to vocational training.

Ok, now, in a Battle Royale between Plato or Popeye for the world's greatest philosopher, which do you think would win in a U.S. high school? Up until this point, my bet was on Plato. Now I'm not so sure. This generation has been inundated with pop culture to the point that they have little or no desire to understand the core truths that have been valued in our nation for over 200 years. Don't get me wrong - they really are great kids, smart kids, wonderful kids. My point is not to demean them.

I can go out on a limb here, though, and take a hard look at our country and its values, and what it might be doing to our children. NCLB is certainly trying to set a higher standard of core education for American students and I have seen a modicum of improvement among my students in a general understanding of key principles and foundational knowledge.

But overwhelmingly in the past three weeks I have been faced with the stark impression that education is not important to this generation. They are of the belief that 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am, and you can't make me be anything else.' They think that any road will get you there and life is a journey, so if you have to take a little side trip through the school of hard knocks, so what? They absolutely refuse to see that education might have an ultimate purpose outside of the classroom. And, they may be right, but this is a new attitude that I have not seen during the last 33 years. It is prevalent across the country.

Furthermore, this has not been my experience, nor the experience of thousands of people for whom education signified a way out of poverty and into the ease of the middle class. This attitude may be one more sign of post-industrialism, but the creators of South Park and The Simpsons certainly had access to that kind of an education. Their cartoons are filled with references to Hamlet and haiku and Plato's Cave Allegory. Only it will be wasted on most of our kids. But, it's okay - they'll still laugh, because Cartman will let out a string of curse words and Bart will do something devious.

In the midst of the ease of our middle class lifestyle, we have forgotten a few key principles ourselves. Just this week the news about the American dollar has not been good. Neither has the housing market report been good. China holds millions of dollars of our debt, which can't be good. But, don't worry, 'cause it's all good, and maybe Popeye or Batman will come and save us. Hey, it could happen. Just as a positive end note, in an informal survey, most students felt that they functioned under virtue ethics, striving to at least try to do the right thing. If it is a representative sample of the majority of American high school students, it might be our saving grace.

I Won't Grow Up!

I won't grow up

I don't want to wear a tie

And a serious expression

Not even gonna try

Peter Pan

On a routine trip to the mall or a sporting event, look around. Ball cap, turned backwards. Inappropriate T-shirt. Jostling for position at the video game display or fist fights over a disputed call at the ball game. Rows of screaming fans at a rock concert. Note scantily clad females with belly button piercings and tattoos that are visible and indiscreet. Whoops. There goes said female, right into the mosh pit.

Those teenagers today! Right? Wrong. Adults. Fathers in America used to have sons. Now they have mini-me. Mothers used to have daughters who wanted to grow up so they could be just like Mom. Now the Mother's want to be just like their daughters. Pop and his offspring head out to the ball field dressed in the same outfits: baggy shorts, flip flops, athletic socks and T-shirt, topped by a baseball cap. Mothers and daughters head to the mall, shop at the same stores, go to the same movies and talk about the same things. One is older and bigger, the other smaller and younger, but their tastes overlap to a remarkable degree. Today, the child truly is father to the man and mother to the woman.

Diana West, columnist for The Washington Post, has written a fascinating book, The Death of the American Grown-up. It is more than just baseball caps, rock and roll, blue jeans and four-letter words. Narcissistic baby boomers, she writes, have methodically reversed the maturation process, destroyed parental authority and subverted traditional values.

Once upon a time, in the not too distant past, childhood was a phase, adolescence did not exist, and adulthood was the fulfillment of youth's promise. No more. Where have all the grown-ups gone? And, why is the world without grown-ups such a dangerous place?

We are all familiar with Baby Britneys, Moms Who Mosh, and Dads too young to call themselves mister. This phenomenon seems shaped by a social bias against maturity. Not growing up is still relatively new -- to our cultural and political behaviors as a people and as a nation. We are a society of perpetual adolescents who can't say "no"; West argues that during the so-called culture wars, we sophomorically retreated from the lessons of Western civilization. Americans now find themselves without an understanding of own identity -- or our enemy's.

From the rise of rock and roll to the rise of multiculturalism, from the loss of identity to the discovery of diversity, from the emasculation of the heroic ideal to the PC-ing of Mary Poppins, The Death of the Grown-up makes the case that it is our own childishness that is our greatest weakness as we confront jihadist Islam in a mixed-up post-9/11 world, arguing that there is something about our past that we might better appreciate -- not just to enhance our future, but to help us survive.

The gist of it is this: In a now-vanished age, parents knew the difference between right and wrong and taught it to their children. For reasons that might have been fascinating to explore, the same generation that fought World War II, the Greatest Generation, rejected this role, raising children more interested in self-gratification and creating their own culture of music and clothes than in emulating their parents.

West argues, The common compass of the past, that urge to grow up and into long pants; to be old enough to dance at the ball; to assume our rights and responsibilitie, all completely disappeared. Rudderless, the baby boomers developed a values-free, nonjudgmental world view that reached fruition in multiculturalism, a debilitating condition that has left the West virtually powerless to argue for its own interests, to recognize and denounce evil or to resist aggression.

Author Lionel Trilling notes the complete eradication of the notion of making a life with a beginning, middle and end. This aspiration has disappeared. It used to be a reflexive action to reject your growing years. People were expected to grow out of adolescence and lose certain traits such as the self-absorption, lack of identity and that striving of a young person to find himself. We as a society no longer expect to find ourselves, it has become an open-ended process

One of the things we all enjoy about childhood is getting lost in the world of pretend. But such flights of fancy are not supposed to govern us as adults in both raising our own children and in the larger picture of formulating a geo-political strategy.

I was at church Sunday and watched with pleasure as a young couple stood before the congregation and baptized their newborn. This young Father is a 3rd grade teacher in a Muskogee School. He wears a tie every day in the classroom. Why? Because he wants to impress on his students that he is a professional, that he takes his job seriously, and that he is a grown-up. Something we all should aspire to.
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