Doesn't it seem like tweens and teens don't hear what we are trying to say to them? They get defensive and confrontational over what seem to be innocuous and harmless comments. Well, there may really be an explanation for this mis-communication. Cynthia Dermody, in a recent Reader's Digest article, explains; "Young brains are still developing through the teen years, and kids can't be expected to process words, context and nuance (sarcasm for instance) the same way that an adult's brain does. Common words and phrases, no matter how well-intended, can do emotional and psychological harm." Yikes! Something else for a parent to beat themselves up about.
Dermody continues; "If you want children to grow up into the best possible version of themselves, it's crucial to replace damaging words in your vocabulary with alternatives that help build character." Damaging? Crucial? Building character? What follows are five examples of common mistakes and the alternatives to help get the message across in a better way.
1. What we say "You're the best!"
What they hear "Your job in life is to make me happy."
A better way to say it. "You should be proud of how hard you worked."
Ok. For years we have been told that boosting a child's self esteem is important to his/her success in life. But child experts are learning that too much praise can backfire.
Praise-aholic children may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to get in the backseat of a car. The implication of saying "You're the prettiest" or talking about a goal scored but not the overall effort is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the best and achieves the most. Over praising also carries over into the classroom. A recent study at Columbia found that out of 400 5th graders, the "Trying Hard" group scored better and were more willing to take on difficult and challenging assignments that the "Best and Smartest" group. Praising attributes or abilities make a false promise. It devalues effort. Children are afraid to take on new challenges. And later, real life never duplicates the fawning praise received early on.
2. What you say "Watch your language."
What they hear "I've tuned out what you are trying to say."
A better way to say it "I'm so glad you came to talk to me but I have one request for the future. I find that word offensive so please don't use it."
A good example is, "That sucks." Child psychologist, Vicki Panaccione advises a more lenient approach to contemporary jargon. This is the way modern kids talk; they are not trying to be disrespectful. They are trying to tell us something. When parents shift the focus to the words themselves, the point of the talk may be lost forever and the teen shuts down. This is the last thing we want. She advises the time for talking about offensive language is at the end of the real discussion.
3. What you say "We can't afford that."
What they hear "Money is the answer to everything."
A better way to say it " The store is filled with great things today, but we've got lots at home already and we're not going to bring home anything more."
Does your child really need one more video game or purse? Of course not. But by repeatedly saying money is the only reason he or she can't have something, the parent may be sending the message that money is the source of all good things in life. Couple that with our consumer society and our kids will never get the meaning of excess or gratitude. A better solution? Sit down and work out together how the purchase can happen-improved grades, extra chores, saving allowance....The process of talking it through and understanding a responsible monetary transaction matters more than how much each contributes.
4. What you say "Don't worry. It will be okay."
What they hear "You're such a drama queen."
A better way to say it "I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me
about it."
When a child comes home upset and distraught, it seem natural to downplay his disappointment and offer consolation. As an adult, we know the setback is minor. Pancionne says, "Kids need to know, however, how to express feelings, work through them and move on, as opposed to just making them go away without expression. If children feel that they shouldn't have feelings, they might lock them inside and fail to adopt healthy coping strategies."
On the other hand, kids shouldn't wallow in bad feelings. A question like, "Why do you think this happened?" or "What can you do to make it better?" may give them the nudge to deal with the situation on their own.
Believe it or not, studies find a parent gives more comfort by listening than talking. But, we always have so much to say!!!!
5. What we say "Why did you miss your curfew, leave dirty dishes, fail the test, etc?"
What they hear "You messed up again."
A better way to say it " My guess is you missed your curfew because you were having fun and didn't want to come home, but that's still not okay. "
Child psychologists say parents ask too many questions. (Isn't that our job?) Professionals maintain we need to just tell our kids when they mess up. No more "all around the mulberry bush"- deal with the issue straight on. Doing so instills a sense of guilt which lays the foundation for a sturdy conscience. Children take comfort in the fact that their parents see all and know all. Better to say you are aware of that they did, or at least make a guess of it, and then explain why it was a bad idea. If you're wrong, you'll be corrected quickly. And that can be the starting point for a productive dialogue. One note- once the issue and it's consequence is discussed, let it go. No bringing it up over and over. Proceed with life as you both knew it before the infraction!
What we say to our children may seem harmless and constructive. The five examples above give us something to think about before we open our mouths again. While questioning if we are nurturing them with our words, I know kids can be nurtured with the following recipe. Sometimes after a misunderstanding, nothing says lovin like something from the oven!!!
Sandi Rosson's Decadent & Delicious Sopaipilla Cheesecake
2 cans crescent rolls
2 (8 oz) cream cheese softened
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
1 stick butter, cut into little pieces
3/4 to 1 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
Grease a 9 x13 baking dish. Unroll and line 1 pkg crescent rolls in pan. Cream sugar, cream cheese, vanilla and almond. Spread on top of crescent crust. Top with second can of rolls. Dot with butter and sprinkle cinnamon and second sugar mixture. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Serve warm. Totally decadent and delicious. You will all be so busy eating, no one will have to say anything!!! Note: To redeem the dessert a little, you could serve with fresh fruit such as sliced strawberries or blueberries.
***************************************
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Developing a Social Conscience in Teens
I received a grant from the Muskogee Education Foundation to explore the Rwandan genocide with several student groups this year. The idea was to read Left to Tell by Emaculee Ilibagiza, a Tutsi college student who survived the Rwandan genocide by hiding in a tiny bathroom with several other women for three months while outside their families were being hacked to death with machetes by a rival tribe, the Hutu. In all, 800,000 Tutsis were killed in a matter of 3 months back in 1994.
The story is horrific enough knowing that these people met their end in torture and that so much killing took place in such a short time. It is worse when one considers these people had been friends with their killers, went to the same church, intermarried, had grown up together. No one can read this story without being moved.
Many young people know about this genocide only if they have seen the movie Hotel Rwanda. They know just as little about the continent of Africa and its history. Developing their sense of African history and an understanding of the causes of genocides is certainly an important outcome of this study. Understanding America's role in international affairs and the degree to which the rest of the world relies on America's moral compass is also a viable learner outcome. But, an even more important and long range, lifelong outcome is developing a social conscience in young people.
No, I'm not talking about the do-gooder social conscience in which we hug a tree for a day or pay lip service to the starving or to the child laborers in foreign countries and then go on about our merry way. I am also not talking about making ourselves feel guilty about living in the richest and the most wasteful country on earth or indulging in self-flagellation and America bashing.
I am talking about developing a compassion for others that is constant and consistent with our country's principles as stated in the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and the Emancipation Proclamation. I am talking about developing in young people not only a sense of right and wrong, but the ability, initiative, and courage to take steps to correct social ills. Raising the level of social consciousness, while maintaining a realistic outlook on human history, can help today's teens solve the problems which will face them tomorrow. The ultimate goal is to raise the quality of life for our citizens and others worldwide.
Already the genocide study has had positive effects at MHS. Philosophy Club members drew attention to Human Trafficking Awareness Day on Jan. 11th. Latin III students are making a documentary about the similarities between the Roman genocide against the Carthaginians, the Holocaust, and the Rwandan genocide. As part of their video they need input on certain issues. If you have a moment, they would appreciate it if you could click on the comment section and give your answers to the following questions:
1. Should high schools continue to teach the history and literature of the Holocaust and genocides, such as The Diary of Anne Frank or the Rwandan genocide?
2. Does the U.S. have a moral obligation to stop genocides from occurring in other countries?
Thank you for your time. I will let you know the outcome of the informal survey.
The story is horrific enough knowing that these people met their end in torture and that so much killing took place in such a short time. It is worse when one considers these people had been friends with their killers, went to the same church, intermarried, had grown up together. No one can read this story without being moved.
Many young people know about this genocide only if they have seen the movie Hotel Rwanda. They know just as little about the continent of Africa and its history. Developing their sense of African history and an understanding of the causes of genocides is certainly an important outcome of this study. Understanding America's role in international affairs and the degree to which the rest of the world relies on America's moral compass is also a viable learner outcome. But, an even more important and long range, lifelong outcome is developing a social conscience in young people.
No, I'm not talking about the do-gooder social conscience in which we hug a tree for a day or pay lip service to the starving or to the child laborers in foreign countries and then go on about our merry way. I am also not talking about making ourselves feel guilty about living in the richest and the most wasteful country on earth or indulging in self-flagellation and America bashing.
I am talking about developing a compassion for others that is constant and consistent with our country's principles as stated in the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and the Emancipation Proclamation. I am talking about developing in young people not only a sense of right and wrong, but the ability, initiative, and courage to take steps to correct social ills. Raising the level of social consciousness, while maintaining a realistic outlook on human history, can help today's teens solve the problems which will face them tomorrow. The ultimate goal is to raise the quality of life for our citizens and others worldwide.
Already the genocide study has had positive effects at MHS. Philosophy Club members drew attention to Human Trafficking Awareness Day on Jan. 11th. Latin III students are making a documentary about the similarities between the Roman genocide against the Carthaginians, the Holocaust, and the Rwandan genocide. As part of their video they need input on certain issues. If you have a moment, they would appreciate it if you could click on the comment section and give your answers to the following questions:
1. Should high schools continue to teach the history and literature of the Holocaust and genocides, such as The Diary of Anne Frank or the Rwandan genocide?
2. Does the U.S. have a moral obligation to stop genocides from occurring in other countries?
Thank you for your time. I will let you know the outcome of the informal survey.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
"And They Call It Puppy Love"
Ah Dating. Granted, it is different now but teens definitely "go out" and hormones are still raging. Friends with high school children were discussing the girls who have gone boy-crazy and boys who have forsaken friends for time with their significant other. It is one of those "gonna happen" transitions. Parents just cross their fingers and pray their personal Romeo or Juliet will emerge unscathed and virtue intact.
Here are some relationship tips for teens found on http://www.stayteen.org/ . The idea is that an individual needs to be in a "good place" personally before entering into a romantic relationship with another person. If you are the age this is relevant, have a look at what follows. If you are a parent, share the good stuff at dinner with your child. It could open up dialogue and at least offer a structured look at this new territory called dating.
1. Having self confidence is the first step in helping to make future relationships healthy and long-lasting. Associate with positive, supportive people. If your friends are constantly down on themselves (or you), how can you keep a good attitude?
2. Stop comparing yourself to others.
3. Stop putting yourself down. Most people say things to themselves that they would NEVER let a stranger (or even a close friend) say to them. You should be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic.
THE BOTTOM LINE: Do you have a clear idea of your personality? Of your goals, likes, dislikes, interests, values, wants, and needs? If you haven't considered these things, perhaps you are not ready for a "couple" relationship.
"Oh my gosh. Dreamy called. We're meeting at the party. He's so hot!!" So, you're thinking about a relationship. This is THE one. Are you ready for this new adventure? Start by asking yourself some simple questions (but be honest with how you answer)
Do I know who I am and what I want in a relationship?
Do I have the time and energy to give to another person?
Am I willing to listen when my partner wants to discuss something - even if it means not watching my favorite show or missing a chance to hang out with friends?
Do I want my partner to spend every free second with me?
Can I handle problems and make safe, responsible decisions?
Can I stand up for my values and beliefs, even if my partner disagrees?
Am I able to keep promises and things told to me in confidence?
Does the idea of my partner having friends of the opposite sex make me nervous?
Can I /do I want to prioritize someone else's needs above my own?
Am I feeling pressured to be in a relationship just because everyone else is in one?
Am I ready to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person?
Now, if you are in a relationship and it's not all you thought it would be, perhaps the next section will help evaluate where you are and where you want to be.
EXPECTATIONS
Even though you might not realize it, you expect certain things from your significant other -whether they should call you every day or only on weekends, whether you'll automatically sit together at lunch or hang out on Friday nights. Research has found that most people are completely unaware of many of these crucial expectations because they're so subtle and automatic...and that can lead to big problems.
Assumptions (and the disagreements that can follow) can happen when couples aren't sharing their expectations with each other. You have to remember that your partner isn't a mind reader and, if you want them to know what you're thinking or expecting of them, you have to communicate. Be clear and reasonable about what you expect in a partner and know that, if that person doesn't want to or can't live up to your expectations, or if you two can't reach a compromise, then it's possibly time to move on. Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty exist only in fairy tales, so don't put the fictional characteristics of the perfect mate onto your very real -and very wonderfully imperfect mate.
DATING MYTHS and DATING REALITIES
False: People just Fall in Love.
True: Love - and falling in love - doesn't just happen. All kinds of factors are at work including (and some might say especially) how ready you are mentally for love to happen.
False: Relationships are easy.
True: Not much in life is harder than maintaining a relationship; it takes communication, sacrifice, and a lot of patience to keep a relationship healthy.
False: He/She may not be perfect but you can change him/ her with a little work .
True: Real love means accepting your partner with all their perfections and with all their flaws. If you find yourself constantly wishing he were taller or she was more popular, maybe you're with your partner for the wrong reasons.
False: I can show my partner how I really feel by having sex...even though I don't want to. It will prove how much I love my him/her.
True: Sex is not a bargaining chip or a way to prove your love. And someone who would pressure you in any way is certainly not someone who loves you.
False: If you break up, you'll never find someone else.
True: Life is long and, right now - in high school - your world is fairly small. The number of people you will meet and experiences you'll have are limitless, so don't assume this one person is the only one for you.
False: You're automatically cooler if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
True: If you pin your popularity hopes on being coupled up, you're not being fair to yourself or your partner. Relationships aren't a means to an ends - like social climbing - but should be meaningful.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Dating is no easy task...it can be lots of fun but it's also lots of work. People who think love is easy or that they can change their partner into the "perfect guy/girl" are fooling themselves and setting themselves up for a lot of heartbreak. Before you can be the best partner possible, you have to be comfortable and confident in yourself...and that means - among other things - not worrying about doing things for someone else's approval.
Do you really know your partner? Knowledge includes knowing about your partner's family background, conscience, morals, values, relationship skills, and past relationship patterns.
Trust involves forgetting the idea that every guy you meet should be Prince Charming or that every girl is Ms. Right. No person is perfect and it's unfair to expect your partner to be that way; trusting means accepting them for their faults and their good qualities and knowing that they do the same for you.
Reliance entails understanding the other person's coping skills, work ethic, confidence level, and emotional stability. In other words, as knowledge and trust go up, one tends to rely more on the other person.
Commitment in a relationship produces a willingness to make changes or sacrifice to meet each other’s needs and often follows when trust, knowledge, and reliance levels are high.
Pre-maritial sex doesn't have to be part of your relationship. While sexual feelings and behaviors are a realistic component of interpersonal relationships, how those feelings are managed makes a difference. Your partner should understand your feelings and honor your choices.
WHEN DO YOU BREAK UP?
Changes in communication, lots of conflict, a decrease in the amount of time you spend together, and, of course, recognizing that your feelings have changed are all reasons that can end a relationship. But when is the right time to break up? That's a pretty tough question and, unfortunately, there's no obvious answer. Instead, breaking up is a feeling you have -an intuition that things aren't right and, despite trying to talk or work the issues out, you and your partner are no longer compatible. Keep in mind: breaking up is not unusual.
More serious reasons to end a relationship include physical or emotional abuse. It is important to remember that you cannot change your partner and, no matter what you do, their behavior is their responsibility. Yours is to protect yourself.
Follow your instincts. If you no longer look forward to time with your partner; if there is more bad than good; if fights and pouts and threats are the norm; if your self esteem seems to be suffering; if you just don't hear those bells ringing when you look in his/her eyes anymore...it is probably time to part company and remain friends. It's normal and it will happen a few more times in your life. That is what helps you grow and mature into the adult relationship you will someday have. Enjoy these teen years. Don't waste them and do take advantage of all life has to offer. Friends, school, activities, church, job, hobbies, sports. ......If there is a boyfriend or a girlfriend thrown in, they should be a nice bonus, not the whole high school package.
Here are some relationship tips for teens found on http://www.stayteen.org/ . The idea is that an individual needs to be in a "good place" personally before entering into a romantic relationship with another person. If you are the age this is relevant, have a look at what follows. If you are a parent, share the good stuff at dinner with your child. It could open up dialogue and at least offer a structured look at this new territory called dating.
1. Having self confidence is the first step in helping to make future relationships healthy and long-lasting. Associate with positive, supportive people. If your friends are constantly down on themselves (or you), how can you keep a good attitude?
2. Stop comparing yourself to others.
3. Stop putting yourself down. Most people say things to themselves that they would NEVER let a stranger (or even a close friend) say to them. You should be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic.
THE BOTTOM LINE: Do you have a clear idea of your personality? Of your goals, likes, dislikes, interests, values, wants, and needs? If you haven't considered these things, perhaps you are not ready for a "couple" relationship.
"Oh my gosh. Dreamy called. We're meeting at the party. He's so hot!!" So, you're thinking about a relationship. This is THE one. Are you ready for this new adventure? Start by asking yourself some simple questions (but be honest with how you answer)
Do I know who I am and what I want in a relationship?
Do I have the time and energy to give to another person?
Am I willing to listen when my partner wants to discuss something - even if it means not watching my favorite show or missing a chance to hang out with friends?
Do I want my partner to spend every free second with me?
Can I handle problems and make safe, responsible decisions?
Can I stand up for my values and beliefs, even if my partner disagrees?
Am I able to keep promises and things told to me in confidence?
Does the idea of my partner having friends of the opposite sex make me nervous?
Can I /do I want to prioritize someone else's needs above my own?
Am I feeling pressured to be in a relationship just because everyone else is in one?
Am I ready to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person?
Now, if you are in a relationship and it's not all you thought it would be, perhaps the next section will help evaluate where you are and where you want to be.
EXPECTATIONS
Even though you might not realize it, you expect certain things from your significant other -whether they should call you every day or only on weekends, whether you'll automatically sit together at lunch or hang out on Friday nights. Research has found that most people are completely unaware of many of these crucial expectations because they're so subtle and automatic...and that can lead to big problems.
Assumptions (and the disagreements that can follow) can happen when couples aren't sharing their expectations with each other. You have to remember that your partner isn't a mind reader and, if you want them to know what you're thinking or expecting of them, you have to communicate. Be clear and reasonable about what you expect in a partner and know that, if that person doesn't want to or can't live up to your expectations, or if you two can't reach a compromise, then it's possibly time to move on. Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty exist only in fairy tales, so don't put the fictional characteristics of the perfect mate onto your very real -and very wonderfully imperfect mate.
DATING MYTHS and DATING REALITIES
False: People just Fall in Love.
True: Love - and falling in love - doesn't just happen. All kinds of factors are at work including (and some might say especially) how ready you are mentally for love to happen.
False: Relationships are easy.
True: Not much in life is harder than maintaining a relationship; it takes communication, sacrifice, and a lot of patience to keep a relationship healthy.
False: He/She may not be perfect but you can change him/ her with a little work .
True: Real love means accepting your partner with all their perfections and with all their flaws. If you find yourself constantly wishing he were taller or she was more popular, maybe you're with your partner for the wrong reasons.
False: I can show my partner how I really feel by having sex...even though I don't want to. It will prove how much I love my him/her.
True: Sex is not a bargaining chip or a way to prove your love. And someone who would pressure you in any way is certainly not someone who loves you.
False: If you break up, you'll never find someone else.
True: Life is long and, right now - in high school - your world is fairly small. The number of people you will meet and experiences you'll have are limitless, so don't assume this one person is the only one for you.
False: You're automatically cooler if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
True: If you pin your popularity hopes on being coupled up, you're not being fair to yourself or your partner. Relationships aren't a means to an ends - like social climbing - but should be meaningful.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Dating is no easy task...it can be lots of fun but it's also lots of work. People who think love is easy or that they can change their partner into the "perfect guy/girl" are fooling themselves and setting themselves up for a lot of heartbreak. Before you can be the best partner possible, you have to be comfortable and confident in yourself...and that means - among other things - not worrying about doing things for someone else's approval.
Do you really know your partner? Knowledge includes knowing about your partner's family background, conscience, morals, values, relationship skills, and past relationship patterns.
Trust involves forgetting the idea that every guy you meet should be Prince Charming or that every girl is Ms. Right. No person is perfect and it's unfair to expect your partner to be that way; trusting means accepting them for their faults and their good qualities and knowing that they do the same for you.
Reliance entails understanding the other person's coping skills, work ethic, confidence level, and emotional stability. In other words, as knowledge and trust go up, one tends to rely more on the other person.
Commitment in a relationship produces a willingness to make changes or sacrifice to meet each other’s needs and often follows when trust, knowledge, and reliance levels are high.
Pre-maritial sex doesn't have to be part of your relationship. While sexual feelings and behaviors are a realistic component of interpersonal relationships, how those feelings are managed makes a difference. Your partner should understand your feelings and honor your choices.
WHEN DO YOU BREAK UP?
Changes in communication, lots of conflict, a decrease in the amount of time you spend together, and, of course, recognizing that your feelings have changed are all reasons that can end a relationship. But when is the right time to break up? That's a pretty tough question and, unfortunately, there's no obvious answer. Instead, breaking up is a feeling you have -an intuition that things aren't right and, despite trying to talk or work the issues out, you and your partner are no longer compatible. Keep in mind: breaking up is not unusual.
More serious reasons to end a relationship include physical or emotional abuse. It is important to remember that you cannot change your partner and, no matter what you do, their behavior is their responsibility. Yours is to protect yourself.
Follow your instincts. If you no longer look forward to time with your partner; if there is more bad than good; if fights and pouts and threats are the norm; if your self esteem seems to be suffering; if you just don't hear those bells ringing when you look in his/her eyes anymore...it is probably time to part company and remain friends. It's normal and it will happen a few more times in your life. That is what helps you grow and mature into the adult relationship you will someday have. Enjoy these teen years. Don't waste them and do take advantage of all life has to offer. Friends, school, activities, church, job, hobbies, sports. ......If there is a boyfriend or a girlfriend thrown in, they should be a nice bonus, not the whole high school package.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Child Support
Last week I discussed my realization that modern life is hard on teens and their families. We are so used to being told our life is blessed compared to the Third World that we ignore our own danger signs, such as Britni Spear's current bizarre behavior, a sign that something has definitely gone wrong there. Since then I have given a great deal of thought to this problem and have come to some conclusions about supporting our teenagers. It's only a beginning and I would be happy to hear other suggestions.
1. People want to be loved unconditionally for who they are. Teens are especially in need of this kind of acceptance as they are developing their identities. We would think we could find this kind of support in the family, but very often this is where many people find the least acceptance. Hypercritical parents can cause the cycle of guilt, anger, fear, shame, even when they love their children unquestionably. Unconditional love is the first kind of support a child needs.
2. Many parents resort to the "life is hard, accept it" philosophy when their teens approach them with a problem. They use the old "when I was your age" stories, rather than helping the teen work through the issue. The past is gone, so unless that story leads to greater insight, it's useless. A better scenario would be, "Oh, that happened to me when I was your age and this is what I did." Your teen may not listen to you or even understand what you're talking about (1983 was a LONG time ago!), but what s/he will hear is that you care enough to try to help. If nothing else, by the time your long, boring story is over, your teen will have calmed down and put everything into perspective!
3. Teens are old enough to navigate through life with little parental control, but they are still not adept at managing a schedule effectively. You can support them by helping them develop healthy
habits for a balanced life. Discuss good nutrition, sleeping habits, organization skills (have you seen how your teen crams his papers down into his backpack until they are unrecognizable wads of accordioned paper?), and money management. Most of life's adult stresses come from the failure to take care of these areas. Teach your children now and you will be instilling them with skills for life.
4. Reassure your teen that, despite how it seems, everything will be alright. We all need the confidence that we can get through this thing called life. Having the confidence that we can make it is half the battle.
5. Remember, life is hard. Give yourself the support you need to look after your growing teens. Take care of yourself, too. They need you.
1. People want to be loved unconditionally for who they are. Teens are especially in need of this kind of acceptance as they are developing their identities. We would think we could find this kind of support in the family, but very often this is where many people find the least acceptance. Hypercritical parents can cause the cycle of guilt, anger, fear, shame, even when they love their children unquestionably. Unconditional love is the first kind of support a child needs.
2. Many parents resort to the "life is hard, accept it" philosophy when their teens approach them with a problem. They use the old "when I was your age" stories, rather than helping the teen work through the issue. The past is gone, so unless that story leads to greater insight, it's useless. A better scenario would be, "Oh, that happened to me when I was your age and this is what I did." Your teen may not listen to you or even understand what you're talking about (1983 was a LONG time ago!), but what s/he will hear is that you care enough to try to help. If nothing else, by the time your long, boring story is over, your teen will have calmed down and put everything into perspective!
3. Teens are old enough to navigate through life with little parental control, but they are still not adept at managing a schedule effectively. You can support them by helping them develop healthy
habits for a balanced life. Discuss good nutrition, sleeping habits, organization skills (have you seen how your teen crams his papers down into his backpack until they are unrecognizable wads of accordioned paper?), and money management. Most of life's adult stresses come from the failure to take care of these areas. Teach your children now and you will be instilling them with skills for life.
4. Reassure your teen that, despite how it seems, everything will be alright. We all need the confidence that we can get through this thing called life. Having the confidence that we can make it is half the battle.
5. Remember, life is hard. Give yourself the support you need to look after your growing teens. Take care of yourself, too. They need you.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Because I Love You, That's Why
Past blogs have explored social networking sites. How do we keep our children safe from all the crazies out there? It is not only sexual predators that are the problem but also cyber-bullies who terrorize the weak and vulnerable.
It was announced by Attorney General Drew Edmondson that technology has been developed to verify the age and identity of MySpace Users. This is a joint project of the company and 48 state attorney generals. The site will be safer for children.
Under the agreement, profiles of MySpace users will be set to private so no strangers can get information from their profile. Users can block anyone over 18 from contacting them. People over 18 cannot add anyone under 16 as a friend in their network unless they have their last name or an e-mail address.
This is a start, but there is actually no age-verification system. Additionally, predators seem good at getting around restrictions. Age verification requires a data-base which would be vulnerable to hackers and anyone who could get into the system.
Here comes the same old song. Once again, the real responsibility falls into parent's laps. An open door policy regarding tween and teen activity on the Internet should be the norm. If your child wants privacy, suggest a diary. Their password access should be a given and regular monitoring of Internet activity practiced. (Of course, you may have to bite your lip about other things you see there. This is another one of those "pick'" your battles issues.)
MySpace offers the following guidelines for children and parents:
# Don't forget that your MySpace profile and forums are public spaces: Don't post anything you wouldn't want the world to know-such as a phone number, address, ect. Avoid posting anything that would make it easy for a stranger to find you, such as where you hang out every day or a picture of you in front of your school or work place.
# People aren't always who they say they are: Be careful adding strangers to your friends list. It's fun to connect with MySpace friends around the world but avoid meeting people whom you do not know.
# Harassment, hate speech and inappropriate content should be reported: If you feel someone's behavior is inappropriate, report it to MySpace or to the authorities.
# Don't post anything that would embarrass you later: it is easy to think that only friends are looking at your MySpace page but the truth is, everyone can see it. Think before posting a photo or information you wouldn't want your parents, potential employers, colleges or bosses to see.
# Don't say you are over 18 if you are not: If MySpace service determines you are under 14 and pretend to be older, MySpace will delete your profile. If customer service determines you are over 18 and pretend to be younger, MySpace will also delete your file.
Source: MySpace
http://www.wiredsafety.org/ estimates 20 percent of teens have met someone online that they have never met in person. Resulting horror stories run the gamut from the Dateline exposes to abductions, rapes and suicides. We have to insure the safety of our children. Parents sometimes have to just stand tough and be perceived as the bad guys. That's OK. It's our job.
It was announced by Attorney General Drew Edmondson that technology has been developed to verify the age and identity of MySpace Users. This is a joint project of the company and 48 state attorney generals. The site will be safer for children.
Under the agreement, profiles of MySpace users will be set to private so no strangers can get information from their profile. Users can block anyone over 18 from contacting them. People over 18 cannot add anyone under 16 as a friend in their network unless they have their last name or an e-mail address.
This is a start, but there is actually no age-verification system. Additionally, predators seem good at getting around restrictions. Age verification requires a data-base which would be vulnerable to hackers and anyone who could get into the system.
Here comes the same old song. Once again, the real responsibility falls into parent's laps. An open door policy regarding tween and teen activity on the Internet should be the norm. If your child wants privacy, suggest a diary. Their password access should be a given and regular monitoring of Internet activity practiced. (Of course, you may have to bite your lip about other things you see there. This is another one of those "pick'" your battles issues.)
MySpace offers the following guidelines for children and parents:
# Don't forget that your MySpace profile and forums are public spaces: Don't post anything you wouldn't want the world to know-such as a phone number, address, ect. Avoid posting anything that would make it easy for a stranger to find you, such as where you hang out every day or a picture of you in front of your school or work place.
# People aren't always who they say they are: Be careful adding strangers to your friends list. It's fun to connect with MySpace friends around the world but avoid meeting people whom you do not know.
# Harassment, hate speech and inappropriate content should be reported: If you feel someone's behavior is inappropriate, report it to MySpace or to the authorities.
# Don't post anything that would embarrass you later: it is easy to think that only friends are looking at your MySpace page but the truth is, everyone can see it. Think before posting a photo or information you wouldn't want your parents, potential employers, colleges or bosses to see.
# Don't say you are over 18 if you are not: If MySpace service determines you are under 14 and pretend to be older, MySpace will delete your profile. If customer service determines you are over 18 and pretend to be younger, MySpace will also delete your file.
Source: MySpace
http://www.wiredsafety.org/ estimates 20 percent of teens have met someone online that they have never met in person. Resulting horror stories run the gamut from the Dateline exposes to abductions, rapes and suicides. We have to insure the safety of our children. Parents sometimes have to just stand tough and be perceived as the bad guys. That's OK. It's our job.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Junot Diaz Saves the World
Junot Diaz is the author of the recently published novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. The novel is an ostensible coming of age story about Oscar, nicknamed Wao as a subversion of the famous writer Oscar Wilde, a nerdy teenager who loves American pop culture and dreams of being the next J.R.R. Tolkien. Only, Oscar and his family are not natural born American citizens, but rather immigrants from the Dominican Republic. Their heritage is also of the darker-skinned Dominican. This throws a considerable wrench into things for Oscar, his runaway sister, and their mother, seemingly both in the DR and in the U.S.
Diaz knows firsthand what kind of wrenches can be thrown into the paths of immigrant kids from the Dominican Republic - that's where he is from. He was born there, but raised in New Jersey and did become a writer, maybe not on a par with Tolkien yet, but surely on his way, as he has written for The New Yorker and The Paris Review. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao will hit the big screen in '09 or '10. There is a weight and validity behind his words; they should be taken seriously. Oh, and did I mention he is a professor of creative writing at MIT?
Just what should be taken so seriously about The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, you might ask? Its prose is unquestionably crude but lyrical, but an even weightier issue than the novel's literary achievement lurks just behind the cover of the Marvel comic books Oscar always reads. Ostensibly the novel is about tradition, melding old ways with new life in America, family history, and perseverance despite the odds. But Diaz also opens up the entire issue which has been starring the U.S. in the face for the last 100 years and despite the recent push for multiculturalism, viz. how to fit in in America or anyplace where Whites have dominated within the last 400 - 500 years, how to put all that history into some kind of rational order and understanding, how to synthesize it into a whole America where a kid (all kids) can be what he wants to be.
And, that's huge, but Diaz is also talking about the current state of teenagers here. Not just immigrant teenagers, but all American teenagers. Diaz brings to light just how hard life is for teenagers in America today through Oscar Wao (even though Oscar now belongs to almost another generation of kids who came up in the late 80's and early 90's). In a phone interview with Rich Fisher on Radio Tulsa January 3, 2007, Diaz even went so far to say that life is tough in America for all of us. This hit me like a ton of bricks, because chasing the American Dream is what it's all about, right?
Diaz makes the point that the competitive, superficial lifestyle of the U.S. paired with the fact that the traditional support mechanisms have broken down for families make fertile ground for teen rebellion, and I think he is right. Yes, it is also what made our country the world's Superpower and gives us so many creature comforts, but at what cost, real and potential? Our teens, regardless of how affluent, often work twenty or more hours per week. Even the poorest teen has an iPod and a cell phone made outside the United States, but can't identify the flag of Communist China.
I think Junot Diaz has hit upon something that could save the world, or at least the United States. He has opened up the dialogue about what America means, what both family history and national histories mean, and what our failure to provide kids with an understanding is doing to our young citizens. He has shown the very great need for a better support mechanism in our homes and in our schools. Most of all, he has de-object-ified the immigrant and shown us that in our diversity we are one, all with expectations of family and living the good life and fulfilling our own American Dream.
And, he has pointed out a great irony in our easy American life today - that, to quote Diaz, life in America IS hard. Now, that is something to open up a great debate about - have any of the Presidential candidates addressed this issue yet? That I would like to hear.
Diaz knows firsthand what kind of wrenches can be thrown into the paths of immigrant kids from the Dominican Republic - that's where he is from. He was born there, but raised in New Jersey and did become a writer, maybe not on a par with Tolkien yet, but surely on his way, as he has written for The New Yorker and The Paris Review. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao will hit the big screen in '09 or '10. There is a weight and validity behind his words; they should be taken seriously. Oh, and did I mention he is a professor of creative writing at MIT?
Just what should be taken so seriously about The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, you might ask? Its prose is unquestionably crude but lyrical, but an even weightier issue than the novel's literary achievement lurks just behind the cover of the Marvel comic books Oscar always reads. Ostensibly the novel is about tradition, melding old ways with new life in America, family history, and perseverance despite the odds. But Diaz also opens up the entire issue which has been starring the U.S. in the face for the last 100 years and despite the recent push for multiculturalism, viz. how to fit in in America or anyplace where Whites have dominated within the last 400 - 500 years, how to put all that history into some kind of rational order and understanding, how to synthesize it into a whole America where a kid (all kids) can be what he wants to be.
And, that's huge, but Diaz is also talking about the current state of teenagers here. Not just immigrant teenagers, but all American teenagers. Diaz brings to light just how hard life is for teenagers in America today through Oscar Wao (even though Oscar now belongs to almost another generation of kids who came up in the late 80's and early 90's). In a phone interview with Rich Fisher on Radio Tulsa January 3, 2007, Diaz even went so far to say that life is tough in America for all of us. This hit me like a ton of bricks, because chasing the American Dream is what it's all about, right?
Diaz makes the point that the competitive, superficial lifestyle of the U.S. paired with the fact that the traditional support mechanisms have broken down for families make fertile ground for teen rebellion, and I think he is right. Yes, it is also what made our country the world's Superpower and gives us so many creature comforts, but at what cost, real and potential? Our teens, regardless of how affluent, often work twenty or more hours per week. Even the poorest teen has an iPod and a cell phone made outside the United States, but can't identify the flag of Communist China.
I think Junot Diaz has hit upon something that could save the world, or at least the United States. He has opened up the dialogue about what America means, what both family history and national histories mean, and what our failure to provide kids with an understanding is doing to our young citizens. He has shown the very great need for a better support mechanism in our homes and in our schools. Most of all, he has de-object-ified the immigrant and shown us that in our diversity we are one, all with expectations of family and living the good life and fulfilling our own American Dream.
And, he has pointed out a great irony in our easy American life today - that, to quote Diaz, life in America IS hard. Now, that is something to open up a great debate about - have any of the Presidential candidates addressed this issue yet? That I would like to hear.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Step Up To The Plate
Do you ever get that feeling that it's only you? That Chicken Little feeling that makes others eyes glaze over when you bring the topic yet up again? That addictive obsession that keeps you ever alert for more information? More information to yet fuel your repetitive thoughts? That's me. And guess what. There's more of me out there. And it feels good. Really good.
If you saw my blog last week, you know about the Bipartisan Forum, hosted by David Boren and Sam Nunn. This was something I did not want to miss. Yesterday, my good sport of a husband and I arrived in Norman. I was optimistic, but uncertain of what to expect. The event did not disappoint. You should have been there!
As we turned off of Boyd onto Elm, there were Anti War Protesters on the corner. Protesters! I was at OU during the Vietnam War so this was very nostalgic. In fact, I think most of the demonstrators were actually about my age. I wonder if they sit at the Library Bar and talk about the "good old days?" I gave them the Peace Sign as we pulled into the parking garage.
Catlett Hall was packed. The whole downstairs was reserved for media. I thought about telling security I wrote a blog for my local paper but those getting onto the floor were the New York Times and AP type folk. Those people didn't look like they wanted to exchange recipes with me. Note: Phoenix, I need a press pass.
All others were seated upstairs and many were sent to another building for overflow viewing. My husband and I were saving seats for our two boys and it got a little uncomfortable as hopefuls journeyed up the steep stairs, only to see we had "saved" seats. It was reminiscent of MHS graduation at the Civic Center. Said sons did indeed arrive and I could again make eye contact with interested audience members looking for a chair.
I'll say this. David Boren does it right. The event was well-organized, well run and the message was well presented. I am going to include the group's joint statement but want to share some of the comments that really impressed and enlightened me. Of course, being the professional reporter that I am, I had changed purses and was scribbling notes on 2 bank receipts, a Thank you note and a doctor's appointment card.
Just a few notes I scribbled in the dark.
*A Democracy protects our rights and
a Republic requires citizens to do all that is necessary to do so.
When we say The Pledge of Allegiance, we are promising to accept that responsibility.
*We are a nation who has taken the good for granted and expect "The Good Life" without sacrifice. There is nothing for nothing any longer. To insure this nation for our children and their children will require sacrifice.
*We have allowed politicians to tell us what we want to hear as they bankrupt the future of the next generations. We are eating our seed corn.
*Rampart partisanship has paralyzed and polarized our government so good decisions cannot be made. Politicians are more worried about the bases than the middle because bases voice their opinion; bases give the money; and bases VOTE!!!
*20 years ago, party caucuses met in Washington once, or maybe twice a year. Now, they meet EVERY week. Are they discussing the energy crisis or health care or education? No. It's a Gotcha discussion, aimed at the enemy, the other party. The enemy. How can a system operate for the national good in a climate like that?
*When our forefather's created the concept of public education, it was for one specific purpose. To train it's youth to be citizens. (Back to that "Republic" notion). There was no monarchy, no heir apparent and young America was a pretty unruly and uninformed lot. They needed to be taught to how to protect and preserve this young nation. Today, 80% of American Universities do not require American History or Political Science.
*When Winston Churchill put together his cabinet and committees, the very existence of his country was in peril. He allowed no party lines to be drawn and decisions were made along non-partisan lines. Can you imagine the Washingtonians posturing and spinning should America ever have life altering decisions with long term repercussions? Oh. Wait. We already do.
*American politics has become a politics of avoidance. If an issue is addressed, a vote may be lost. There are no long term plans, only plans that relate within the next election year.
"As citizens and as a nation, we must renew a commitment to community. With national unity, challenges can be met. With a cohesive strategy from those elected by us, we can unify and turn America's peril into America's Promise."
Joint statement by participants at the OU political forum
A nonpartisan appeal to a nation at risk: America is in danger. Our ability to meet and solve the problems that face us is seriously compromised. National surveys reveal that an unprecedented seven out of ten citizens believe that life for their children will not be as good as their own. We are headed in the wrong direction. We share their deep concern and frustration.
Our nation is indeed at risk.
* Approval for the United States around the world has dropped to historically low levels, with only one out of four people approving of our country's actions, even in nations that are our longtime allies;
* We have eroded America's credibility and capacity to lead on urgent global and foreign policy issues including terrorism, nuclear nonproliferation, climate change, and regional instabilities;
* Our budget and trade deficits are out of control. We are squandering our children's future. The ominous transfer of our national wealth has made our economy vulnerable, and our economic strength and competitiveness are both declining. Middle-income Americans are struggling to keep their homes and jobs and educate their children.
* We are not as secure as we should be. Our military is stretched thin and our nation remains vulnerable to catastrophic terrorism.
* We are being held economically hostage because we have no energy policy worthy of the name.
*Our educational system is failing to prepare our children to succeed in a globalized and technological world.
* Nearly 50 million Americans remain without health insurance, and the cost of medical care continues to spiral.
* The failures of bridges in Minneapolis and levees in New Orleans are harsh metaphors for the reckless neglect of our infrastructure.
These critical issues are uniquely interlocked and we must have a national strategy and prioritization of resources. We are failing to address them because rampant partisanship has paralyzed the ability of our government to act. If we allow polarizing politics to continue, we will remain a nation divided and no matter who is elected this fall, he or she will not have a mandate for governing. Too many in both our parties have sought to energize their bases instead of reaching out to address the issues that concern our nation as a whole. They appeal to extremes and marginalize those in the commonsense center. In order to break this partisan impasse, we urge the presidential candidates to provide:
# Clear descriptions of how they would establish a government of national unity;
# Specific strategies for reducing polarization and reaching bipartisan consensus;
# Plans to go beyond tokenism to appoint a truly bipartisan cabinet with critical posts held by the most qualified people available regardless of political affiliation; (Love this one!)
#Proposals for bipartisan executive and legislative policy groups in critical areas such as national security.National elections present an opportunity for candidates and citizens to have a serious and civil discussion of the imperative issues facing our country at home and abroad.
Today, we urge our fellow citizens, including the news media, to join us in asking the candidates to address these challenges. If as a nation we begin to ask, debate, and address these and other fundamental issues, we can renew our commitment to community and empower those we elect to govern effectively. We are convinced that if we establish a government of national unity, we can meet these challenges head on, develop a cohesive strategy prioritizing our responses and matching our goals with our capabilities. In short, we believe that if we unify, we can turn America's peril into America's promise and face our future with optimism.
Is anyone out there? It is going to take all Americans to make this country go backward. Backward to the ideals, the beliefs and the government the United States was founded on. It's time for another revolution. Not a war of guns but a war of meetings, and letters, and advocates, and watchdogs, and votes. We can no longer just shake our heads and ignore the issues. We must honestly look at what has to happen to insure the most noble and magnificent way of life ever offered a civilization. America. Our country's future and our children's future depends on it.
If you saw my blog last week, you know about the Bipartisan Forum, hosted by David Boren and Sam Nunn. This was something I did not want to miss. Yesterday, my good sport of a husband and I arrived in Norman. I was optimistic, but uncertain of what to expect. The event did not disappoint. You should have been there!
As we turned off of Boyd onto Elm, there were Anti War Protesters on the corner. Protesters! I was at OU during the Vietnam War so this was very nostalgic. In fact, I think most of the demonstrators were actually about my age. I wonder if they sit at the Library Bar and talk about the "good old days?" I gave them the Peace Sign as we pulled into the parking garage.
Catlett Hall was packed. The whole downstairs was reserved for media. I thought about telling security I wrote a blog for my local paper but those getting onto the floor were the New York Times and AP type folk. Those people didn't look like they wanted to exchange recipes with me. Note: Phoenix, I need a press pass.
All others were seated upstairs and many were sent to another building for overflow viewing. My husband and I were saving seats for our two boys and it got a little uncomfortable as hopefuls journeyed up the steep stairs, only to see we had "saved" seats. It was reminiscent of MHS graduation at the Civic Center. Said sons did indeed arrive and I could again make eye contact with interested audience members looking for a chair.
I'll say this. David Boren does it right. The event was well-organized, well run and the message was well presented. I am going to include the group's joint statement but want to share some of the comments that really impressed and enlightened me. Of course, being the professional reporter that I am, I had changed purses and was scribbling notes on 2 bank receipts, a Thank you note and a doctor's appointment card.
Just a few notes I scribbled in the dark.
*A Democracy protects our rights and
a Republic requires citizens to do all that is necessary to do so.
When we say The Pledge of Allegiance, we are promising to accept that responsibility.
*We are a nation who has taken the good for granted and expect "The Good Life" without sacrifice. There is nothing for nothing any longer. To insure this nation for our children and their children will require sacrifice.
*We have allowed politicians to tell us what we want to hear as they bankrupt the future of the next generations. We are eating our seed corn.
*Rampart partisanship has paralyzed and polarized our government so good decisions cannot be made. Politicians are more worried about the bases than the middle because bases voice their opinion; bases give the money; and bases VOTE!!!
*20 years ago, party caucuses met in Washington once, or maybe twice a year. Now, they meet EVERY week. Are they discussing the energy crisis or health care or education? No. It's a Gotcha discussion, aimed at the enemy, the other party. The enemy. How can a system operate for the national good in a climate like that?
*When our forefather's created the concept of public education, it was for one specific purpose. To train it's youth to be citizens. (Back to that "Republic" notion). There was no monarchy, no heir apparent and young America was a pretty unruly and uninformed lot. They needed to be taught to how to protect and preserve this young nation. Today, 80% of American Universities do not require American History or Political Science.
*When Winston Churchill put together his cabinet and committees, the very existence of his country was in peril. He allowed no party lines to be drawn and decisions were made along non-partisan lines. Can you imagine the Washingtonians posturing and spinning should America ever have life altering decisions with long term repercussions? Oh. Wait. We already do.
*American politics has become a politics of avoidance. If an issue is addressed, a vote may be lost. There are no long term plans, only plans that relate within the next election year.
"As citizens and as a nation, we must renew a commitment to community. With national unity, challenges can be met. With a cohesive strategy from those elected by us, we can unify and turn America's peril into America's Promise."
Joint statement by participants at the OU political forum
A nonpartisan appeal to a nation at risk: America is in danger. Our ability to meet and solve the problems that face us is seriously compromised. National surveys reveal that an unprecedented seven out of ten citizens believe that life for their children will not be as good as their own. We are headed in the wrong direction. We share their deep concern and frustration.
Our nation is indeed at risk.
* Approval for the United States around the world has dropped to historically low levels, with only one out of four people approving of our country's actions, even in nations that are our longtime allies;
* We have eroded America's credibility and capacity to lead on urgent global and foreign policy issues including terrorism, nuclear nonproliferation, climate change, and regional instabilities;
* Our budget and trade deficits are out of control. We are squandering our children's future. The ominous transfer of our national wealth has made our economy vulnerable, and our economic strength and competitiveness are both declining. Middle-income Americans are struggling to keep their homes and jobs and educate their children.
* We are not as secure as we should be. Our military is stretched thin and our nation remains vulnerable to catastrophic terrorism.
* We are being held economically hostage because we have no energy policy worthy of the name.
*Our educational system is failing to prepare our children to succeed in a globalized and technological world.
* Nearly 50 million Americans remain without health insurance, and the cost of medical care continues to spiral.
* The failures of bridges in Minneapolis and levees in New Orleans are harsh metaphors for the reckless neglect of our infrastructure.
These critical issues are uniquely interlocked and we must have a national strategy and prioritization of resources. We are failing to address them because rampant partisanship has paralyzed the ability of our government to act. If we allow polarizing politics to continue, we will remain a nation divided and no matter who is elected this fall, he or she will not have a mandate for governing. Too many in both our parties have sought to energize their bases instead of reaching out to address the issues that concern our nation as a whole. They appeal to extremes and marginalize those in the commonsense center. In order to break this partisan impasse, we urge the presidential candidates to provide:
# Clear descriptions of how they would establish a government of national unity;
# Specific strategies for reducing polarization and reaching bipartisan consensus;
# Plans to go beyond tokenism to appoint a truly bipartisan cabinet with critical posts held by the most qualified people available regardless of political affiliation; (Love this one!)
#Proposals for bipartisan executive and legislative policy groups in critical areas such as national security.National elections present an opportunity for candidates and citizens to have a serious and civil discussion of the imperative issues facing our country at home and abroad.
Today, we urge our fellow citizens, including the news media, to join us in asking the candidates to address these challenges. If as a nation we begin to ask, debate, and address these and other fundamental issues, we can renew our commitment to community and empower those we elect to govern effectively. We are convinced that if we establish a government of national unity, we can meet these challenges head on, develop a cohesive strategy prioritizing our responses and matching our goals with our capabilities. In short, we believe that if we unify, we can turn America's peril into America's promise and face our future with optimism.
Is anyone out there? It is going to take all Americans to make this country go backward. Backward to the ideals, the beliefs and the government the United States was founded on. It's time for another revolution. Not a war of guns but a war of meetings, and letters, and advocates, and watchdogs, and votes. We can no longer just shake our heads and ignore the issues. We must honestly look at what has to happen to insure the most noble and magnificent way of life ever offered a civilization. America. Our country's future and our children's future depends on it.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Graduation Coach
Sandy Garrett, Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction, had an editorial about graduation coaches on the opinion page of the Muskogee Phoenix a few weeks ago. A graduation coach is a person who would "help motivate and inspire students to push themselves further than (they would have gone) by choice." Silly me - I've actually thought that was my job as a teacher for the last 33 years! Ideally, it is the job of everyone with whom a teen comes into contact throughout his day at home and at school.
To start with, though, I want to ask who abdicated their responsibility and let all these kids drop out of school in the first place? The first graduation coach is at home; everyone knows that, Mom and Dad. Still, many schools all across the U.S. are showing only an 80% graduation rate, despite constant contact between the school and the home, and near begging by school personnel for absentee students to come to school and graduate. Many schools bend over backwards to find ways, any way, to help students complete school. It's there just for the taking. The flip side of that is that it can feel like parent and child are being hammered by the system from all sides, when in actuality the school (or court system) is only trying to help.
Secondly, most Oklahoma school systems have enough personnel on staff now to meet the requirements fulfilled by a graduation coach. There are teachers, counselors, at risk counselors, special education counselors, parent liaisons, athletic coaches, extracurricular sponsors, federal programs, and mentors already. And one more person acting as a graduation coach is going to solve the problem? It's that simple? Really, just one more person? Each one of the people listed above past "teachers" were supposedly that "one more person" who would solve the problem of at risk students.
I have an idea - let's hire one testing coordinator for the at risk school systems and let the counselors and other personnel do the jobs they signed on to do. Few people went into counseling to become testing coordinators - they went into counseling with the same goals as they started out with in teaching - to help kids have better lives. Since the inception of No Child Left Behind, however, our counselors have become more test administrators than counselors. If these people could focus on their assigned students, more could be accomplished than by adding just one graduation coach to the staff. These people and all the ones mentioned above are the graduation coaches.
Graduation coaching is a job for all of us. Garrett, whom I greatly admire, says "legendary coaches like Bud Wilkinson and Henry Iba built foundations of success in our state on high standards, preparation and discipline." There she hit upon the crux of the problem that hiring no amount of graduation coaches will solve - the question of how to have discipline in a disciplineless society? Of how to have high expectations for education in a society that does not value education? Of how to prepare students who won't prepare their lessons? I applaud what Garrett has achieved during her tenure in improving Oklahoma's schools - it is a tough job.
And these are tough questions that adding just one person to the faculty will not solve. Increasing the graduation rate is a job for all of us. It requires cooperation from many entities and people, but most of all from the very people who are in jeopardy of failing - the students.
But, if that one person, the graduation coach, can save just one more person (from prison, from premature parenthood, from a life of poverty, from abject personal failure and the sinking depression and resignation that comes from it), it may be a worthwhile investment of the public's money.
See the state of Georgia's model graduation coach program at
http://gadoe.org/tss_school_improve.aspx?PageReq=TSSGraduationCoach
To start with, though, I want to ask who abdicated their responsibility and let all these kids drop out of school in the first place? The first graduation coach is at home; everyone knows that, Mom and Dad. Still, many schools all across the U.S. are showing only an 80% graduation rate, despite constant contact between the school and the home, and near begging by school personnel for absentee students to come to school and graduate. Many schools bend over backwards to find ways, any way, to help students complete school. It's there just for the taking. The flip side of that is that it can feel like parent and child are being hammered by the system from all sides, when in actuality the school (or court system) is only trying to help.
Secondly, most Oklahoma school systems have enough personnel on staff now to meet the requirements fulfilled by a graduation coach. There are teachers, counselors, at risk counselors, special education counselors, parent liaisons, athletic coaches, extracurricular sponsors, federal programs, and mentors already. And one more person acting as a graduation coach is going to solve the problem? It's that simple? Really, just one more person? Each one of the people listed above past "teachers" were supposedly that "one more person" who would solve the problem of at risk students.
I have an idea - let's hire one testing coordinator for the at risk school systems and let the counselors and other personnel do the jobs they signed on to do. Few people went into counseling to become testing coordinators - they went into counseling with the same goals as they started out with in teaching - to help kids have better lives. Since the inception of No Child Left Behind, however, our counselors have become more test administrators than counselors. If these people could focus on their assigned students, more could be accomplished than by adding just one graduation coach to the staff. These people and all the ones mentioned above are the graduation coaches.
Graduation coaching is a job for all of us. Garrett, whom I greatly admire, says "legendary coaches like Bud Wilkinson and Henry Iba built foundations of success in our state on high standards, preparation and discipline." There she hit upon the crux of the problem that hiring no amount of graduation coaches will solve - the question of how to have discipline in a disciplineless society? Of how to have high expectations for education in a society that does not value education? Of how to prepare students who won't prepare their lessons? I applaud what Garrett has achieved during her tenure in improving Oklahoma's schools - it is a tough job.
And these are tough questions that adding just one person to the faculty will not solve. Increasing the graduation rate is a job for all of us. It requires cooperation from many entities and people, but most of all from the very people who are in jeopardy of failing - the students.
But, if that one person, the graduation coach, can save just one more person (from prison, from premature parenthood, from a life of poverty, from abject personal failure and the sinking depression and resignation that comes from it), it may be a worthwhile investment of the public's money.
See the state of Georgia's model graduation coach program at
http://gadoe.org/tss_school_improve.aspx?PageReq=TSSGraduationCoach
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
God Bless Americans
Did you happen to catch Face the Nation on Sunday morning? Anchor Bob Schieffer closed the show with the news that our own University of Oklahoma and President David Boren are hosting a bi-partisan forum on January 7th. The forum's topic is to consider the merits of a 3rd party bid for the White House.
This business as usual presidential campaign has been frustrating and infuriating. The posturing and rhetoric are maddening. Slippery slope comments and lack of any substantial platforms have left many Americans looking somewhere else for true leadership and a vision for our country's common good. America must look clearly and honestly at debt, welfare, health care, national defense, the family, immigration and education. Citizens put their money and their trust in elected officials to best insure our way of life, our liberty and our ability to pursue happiness. Americans no longer trust. Americans feel betrayed.
It's partially our fault. #1. We keep voting for them. #2. Lobbyists continue to influence and legislate our elected officials. #3. Pork. America must just say no. #4. Apathy and not getting involved. #5. Not be willing to look realistically at the mess we're in and to tighten our belts. "I want what I want, just not what you want." #6. Not educating ourselves #7. Letting the fringe and radical elements of our society lobby for their platforms, while we, the majority, stand silent. Americans vote a certain way because a favorite movie star endorses the candidate. That in itself is terrifying.
What follows is Sunday's transcript from Face the Nation.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and other potential independent presidential candidates are joining prominent Republican and Democratic centrists at a meeting that will consider the merits of a third-party bid for the White House.
The Jan. 7 event was organized by former Democratic senators David Boren and Sam Nunn, and about a dozen prominent figures are expected to participate, including Bloomberg, former Republican senator John Danforth of Missouri and Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., each of whom has been mentioned as a possible independent candidate.
Boren said the meeting will serve as a form of "shock therapy" to the major-party candidates to stop bickering and provide Americans with a blueprint for bipartisanship in Washington. The event will be at the Norman campus of the University of Oklahoma, where he is president.
"We used to work together across party lines and we used to cooperate with each other," Boren said of his relationships with current and former senators who plan to attend. "It is a message to the two parties: Please rise to the occasion. If you don't, there is always a possibility out there of an independent."
In an interview with the New York Times, Boren suggested that if the prospective major party nominees failed within two months to formally embrace bipartisanship and address the fundamental challenges facing the nation, "I would be among those who would urge Mr. Bloomberg to very seriously consider running for president as an independent." Bloomberg's spokesman Stu Loeser told the New York Post that "[Bloomberg] is going [to Oklahoma] because he has seen again and again as mayor how hyper-partisanship in Washington isn't just getting in the way of big reforms, it's getting in the way of any meaningful progress on a whole host of issues."
"He's looking forward to the opportunity to sit down with like-minded leaders to try and find solutions," Loeser added.
The meeting comes one day before the New Hampshire primary.
"We need statesmanship, not politics," Boren said. "The meeting in itself implies there could be other possibilities than a two-party contest."
A Dec. 18 letter from Boren and Nunn to participants asserts that the political system is "at the least, badly bent and many are concluding that it is broken at a time where America must lead boldly at home and abroad. Partisan polarization is preventing us from uniting to meet the challenges that we must face if we are to prevent further erosion of America's power of leadership and example."
"As the letter says, we've literally become a house divided," Boren said. "We really need a government of national unity."
Bloomberg, once a Democrat, then a Republican and now an independent, has denied any interest in running for the presidency even while keeping speculation alive that he might.
"Despite public statements that he has no plans to run as an Independent candidate for president, his staff has laid out exact plans for the press on many occasions," reports CBSNews.com senior political editor Vaughn Ververs. "A billionaire businessman who has in the past indicated his future lies in philanthropy could easily spend that money on a campaign instead."
Like the meeting's organizers, the mayor has criticized the tone of the campaign as one of overbearing partisanship. He said last month the country "needs somebody that says, "I'm going to get the best from both parties."
I contacted OU's Special Events Coordinator, Stacey Murry and she furnished the following information regarding the forum next Monday. (There is also more information on restoring America to a bi-partisan and unified nation at http://www.unity08.com/members. Their mission statement is Re-United States of America.)
Through these events, the university advances its goal of educating our students about the presidency as an institution and national issues that they are likely to face as the future leaders of our nation as well as encouraging their civic involvement.
......the university is pleased to announce that we will be host to a panel of leaders who will be potentially influential in producing increased national discussion of fundamental issues in the upcoming presidential election. The panel's discussion will include ways in which our nation can end divisive partisan polarization, create bipartisanship, and bring the country together after conclusion of the 2008 election.
Those national leaders who are expected to participate in the panel include:
David Abshire, President of the Center for the Study of the Presidency
Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City and founder of Bloomberg News
David Boren, Former U.S. Senator
Bill Brock, Former U.S. Senator
Bill Cohen, Former Secretary of Defense and U.S. Senator
Jack Danforth, Former U.S. Senator
Alan Dixon, Former U.S. Senator
Susan Eisenhower, Chairman Emeritus, The Eisenhower Institute
Bob Graham, Former U.S. Senator
Chuck Hagel, U.S. Senator
Gary Hart, Former U.S. Senator
Jim Leach, Former Member of the U.S. House of Representatives
Sam Nunn, Former U.S. Senator
Edward Perkins, Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations
Chuck Robb, Former U.S. Senator
Christine Todd Whitman, Former New Jersey Governor
"We hope that you will be able to take advantage of learning from this panel of distinguished visitors and their dialogue on the critical issues facing our nation and the world. "
Throwing my shoe at the television hasn't worked. Wringing my hands for the future of my children and grandchildren hasn't either. I cannot stand back any longer and just lament the sad condition of my country. What a unique opportunity to go to Norman and see what these statesmen offer as a solution. I quote the Unity08 website, "We invite all Americans to join us as voting members, to light up their own torch of freedom, and to help us reactivate the true American community - where finding common ground is how true leaders meet crucial issues and prove worthy of both our history and our dreams."
This business as usual presidential campaign has been frustrating and infuriating. The posturing and rhetoric are maddening. Slippery slope comments and lack of any substantial platforms have left many Americans looking somewhere else for true leadership and a vision for our country's common good. America must look clearly and honestly at debt, welfare, health care, national defense, the family, immigration and education. Citizens put their money and their trust in elected officials to best insure our way of life, our liberty and our ability to pursue happiness. Americans no longer trust. Americans feel betrayed.
It's partially our fault. #1. We keep voting for them. #2. Lobbyists continue to influence and legislate our elected officials. #3. Pork. America must just say no. #4. Apathy and not getting involved. #5. Not be willing to look realistically at the mess we're in and to tighten our belts. "I want what I want, just not what you want." #6. Not educating ourselves #7. Letting the fringe and radical elements of our society lobby for their platforms, while we, the majority, stand silent. Americans vote a certain way because a favorite movie star endorses the candidate. That in itself is terrifying.
What follows is Sunday's transcript from Face the Nation.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and other potential independent presidential candidates are joining prominent Republican and Democratic centrists at a meeting that will consider the merits of a third-party bid for the White House.
The Jan. 7 event was organized by former Democratic senators David Boren and Sam Nunn, and about a dozen prominent figures are expected to participate, including Bloomberg, former Republican senator John Danforth of Missouri and Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., each of whom has been mentioned as a possible independent candidate.
Boren said the meeting will serve as a form of "shock therapy" to the major-party candidates to stop bickering and provide Americans with a blueprint for bipartisanship in Washington. The event will be at the Norman campus of the University of Oklahoma, where he is president.
"We used to work together across party lines and we used to cooperate with each other," Boren said of his relationships with current and former senators who plan to attend. "It is a message to the two parties: Please rise to the occasion. If you don't, there is always a possibility out there of an independent."
In an interview with the New York Times, Boren suggested that if the prospective major party nominees failed within two months to formally embrace bipartisanship and address the fundamental challenges facing the nation, "I would be among those who would urge Mr. Bloomberg to very seriously consider running for president as an independent." Bloomberg's spokesman Stu Loeser told the New York Post that "[Bloomberg] is going [to Oklahoma] because he has seen again and again as mayor how hyper-partisanship in Washington isn't just getting in the way of big reforms, it's getting in the way of any meaningful progress on a whole host of issues."
"He's looking forward to the opportunity to sit down with like-minded leaders to try and find solutions," Loeser added.
The meeting comes one day before the New Hampshire primary.
"We need statesmanship, not politics," Boren said. "The meeting in itself implies there could be other possibilities than a two-party contest."
A Dec. 18 letter from Boren and Nunn to participants asserts that the political system is "at the least, badly bent and many are concluding that it is broken at a time where America must lead boldly at home and abroad. Partisan polarization is preventing us from uniting to meet the challenges that we must face if we are to prevent further erosion of America's power of leadership and example."
"As the letter says, we've literally become a house divided," Boren said. "We really need a government of national unity."
Bloomberg, once a Democrat, then a Republican and now an independent, has denied any interest in running for the presidency even while keeping speculation alive that he might.
"Despite public statements that he has no plans to run as an Independent candidate for president, his staff has laid out exact plans for the press on many occasions," reports CBSNews.com senior political editor Vaughn Ververs. "A billionaire businessman who has in the past indicated his future lies in philanthropy could easily spend that money on a campaign instead."
Like the meeting's organizers, the mayor has criticized the tone of the campaign as one of overbearing partisanship. He said last month the country "needs somebody that says, "I'm going to get the best from both parties."
I contacted OU's Special Events Coordinator, Stacey Murry and she furnished the following information regarding the forum next Monday. (There is also more information on restoring America to a bi-partisan and unified nation at http://www.unity08.com/members. Their mission statement is Re-United States of America.)
Stacey Murray
Coordinator of Special Projects
OU Public Affairs
Through these events, the university advances its goal of educating our students about the presidency as an institution and national issues that they are likely to face as the future leaders of our nation as well as encouraging their civic involvement.
......the university is pleased to announce that we will be host to a panel of leaders who will be potentially influential in producing increased national discussion of fundamental issues in the upcoming presidential election. The panel's discussion will include ways in which our nation can end divisive partisan polarization, create bipartisanship, and bring the country together after conclusion of the 2008 election.
Those national leaders who are expected to participate in the panel include:
David Abshire, President of the Center for the Study of the Presidency
Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City and founder of Bloomberg News
David Boren, Former U.S. Senator
Bill Brock, Former U.S. Senator
Bill Cohen, Former Secretary of Defense and U.S. Senator
Jack Danforth, Former U.S. Senator
Alan Dixon, Former U.S. Senator
Susan Eisenhower, Chairman Emeritus, The Eisenhower Institute
Bob Graham, Former U.S. Senator
Chuck Hagel, U.S. Senator
Gary Hart, Former U.S. Senator
Jim Leach, Former Member of the U.S. House of Representatives
Sam Nunn, Former U.S. Senator
Edward Perkins, Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations
Chuck Robb, Former U.S. Senator
Christine Todd Whitman, Former New Jersey Governor
"We hope that you will be able to take advantage of learning from this panel of distinguished visitors and their dialogue on the critical issues facing our nation and the world. "
Throwing my shoe at the television hasn't worked. Wringing my hands for the future of my children and grandchildren hasn't either. I cannot stand back any longer and just lament the sad condition of my country. What a unique opportunity to go to Norman and see what these statesmen offer as a solution. I quote the Unity08 website, "We invite all Americans to join us as voting members, to light up their own torch of freedom, and to help us reactivate the true American community - where finding common ground is how true leaders meet crucial issues and prove worthy of both our history and our dreams."
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