Thursday, December 27, 2007

A Movie Review Of Sorts

Christmas break is a time when families actually have a moment to catch a movie together. This has been a great movie season for me. In the last week I have seen The Golden Compass with my daughter, No Country for Old Men with my own father (yes, had to go to Tulsa for that one), and The Great Debaters with my sister (more movies than I had seen all year combined). It was throughout that last movie, though, that I found myself wishing both my children were watching with me.

Based on the true story of Melvin B. Tolson's 1935 debate team at Wiley University in Marshall, Texas, The Great Debaters is a movie every young person should see, not because Denzel Washington will probably win an Academy Award (although that is a great reason to see the movie, indeed), but because Professor Tolson's debaters can teach us a thing or two about perseverance and the importance of education in our lives.

While I don't care for Tolson's poetry (I am a fan of his essays and the column he wrote for the Washington Tribune entitled Caviar and Cabbage), I am fascinated by his techniques for motivating his students. First, let me point out that he has been criticized by both the African American community for using the Latin and Greek Dead White Guys method of instruction and by many conservatives for espousing Communism (he lived in the same Progressive Era as Oklahoma's very own Woody Guthrie).

But, neither of these "small" criticisms would have worried Melvin B. Tolson. He was never afraid that teaching the dominant language norms would deracialize his students; on the contrary, he recognized that access to the language of power is what enables people of any color to succeed. Here is how Minerva Sloss, a former student of Tolson's (Wiley 1947) summarized his lasting effect on his students:

Although he constantly pounced on the "wrongs"and "cruelties" of the world,
most of us began to know him not as a rebel American, but one who truly loved
America, yet also loved his ancestral African heritage. He believed we should be
ever aware of the inequalities in our nation, that this knowledge, however, should
not make us bitter: but should make us realize the necessity of being ever prepared
mentally, physically, and academically to cope with these inequalities. . . . I
believe my acceptance of myself as a black woman with capabilities to go as far as
my educational preparations, aspirations and physical endurance would permit
. . . became more realistic as a result of my experiences in his class. . . . I learned much more than mere facts: I learned about life, about myself, my fellowman, my own people. I learned to be concerned about others, that each human being, black
or white, is unique and plays a part in the development of our great humanity. *
And, to me, Ms. Sloss hit upon why going to see this movie with one's children is important. Tolson epitomizes what every human being should experience, regardless of and with regard to color, race, ethnicity, or gender. Every teen should see how far we have come, what it took to get us here, and why we can't allow our apathy to ever regress us back to those places in human history in which freedom and the human spirit were repressed.
Tolson recognized education as a means to uplifting the human spirit. It might be idealistic, but I dare to believe that in 2008 we can hope that parents, teachers, and teens can aspire to Tolson's kind of dogged perseverance combined with a moral and ethical covenant with the rest of mankind. One can dare to believe.
*Quoted from David Gold, English professor at the University of Michigan-Dearborn, 2003.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Insert An Audible Sigh of Relief Here

Hope your Christmas was grand. I love the house all decorated and dressed up but by today, I'm ready to take the tree down and put the stockings away for another year. It's satisfying to replace Poinsettias that have lost their lustre and pry the sticky candy canes from the apothecary jars they've lived in for a month. The glittery exuberance is fun but it's great to get the rooms back in ship-shape, January order.

With teens in the house, you may be journeying with them to the mall. Sacks of gifts, so eagerly and lovingly bought, weren't quite what said child had in mind. Wrong color. Wrong style. Just wrong. That's OK. It's better to let them pick something they want rather than finding a gift six months later, still in the box with tags attached. That's discouraging. So, Happy Hunting.

Are you writing New Year's resolutions? Lose 10 pounds. Exercise. Organize your closet and your life along with it. Spend less money. Save more. Sound familiar?

What about resolutions in regards to your teen? Things like: Be more patient. Communicate better. Less ultimatums and more compromises. More meals at home and healthier choices. Not sweating the small stuff and picking battles. Positive affirmations and guided choices. More time spent together. Clear scholastic expectations and support for those goals. Supporting community and school involvement. Listening better. Helping your child find his/her passion. Directed activity options that are constructive and healthy. Identifying life goals and opportunities. Saying "I love you" even if your teeth are clinched and your fingers crossed behind your back.

Here's two great recipes for left-over turkey. That 's another thing that feels good. Getting that sucker out of the fridge so there's room for my pot of Black-eyed Peas!

Turkey Tetrazzini
About 4 cups diced turkey
1 4 oz can chopped olives
2 tsp. Lee and Perrin
1 4 oz can sliced mushrooms drained
2 tsp. paprika
1 8 oz container sour cream
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 lb grated cheddar-divided in 1/2
1 onion, 1 small green pepper and 1/2 c celery, all chopped
1 12 oz spaghetti (try the whole wheat)
Saute the vegetables in 2 tbsp butter. Set Aside.
Cook the spaghetti according to directions. Drain and set aside.
Combine the soups with the sauteed vegetables, the olives and mushrooms, the turkey and the seasonings and heat until bubbly. Add 1/2 of the cheese. Now add the noodles into the mixture. Put in a greased 3 quart baking dish. and sprinkle the remaining cheese on top. Bake covered with foil at 350 for 30 minutes or until bubbly. Serves about 8.

Laurie's Turkey Hash

Peel, pare and boil 3 or 4 large potatoes. Drain
In large saute pan - 1 large yellow onion-chopped and softened in 1 stick butter. Then add 2 cloves garlic, dash Tabasco and 1 Tbs Lee and Perrin. Also add good dash of poultry seasoning and salt and pepper.
Now add 2 or three cups of leftover turkey, shredded or chopped, and the cubed, cooked potatoes. Let brown a minute in the butter-onion mixture, lightly turning over. Finally, add 1 can Swanson's Chicken Broth and simmer until reduced. Serve hot.

Have a restful and relaxing last week of 2007. I for one am not getting out of my PJ's for at least two days! Enjoy the down time. Chrissie

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Joy To The World

It's down to the count. One week to go. Are you hyper-ventilating yet? Planning one more trek to Tulsa? Williams Sonoma, Sam's and Target lure like a siren's call. Take my word for it. Put your fingers in your ears. Combined with the Tulsa-ites weather and electricity problems, the trip to T Town just isn't worth it. There are no traffic lights. Cars are backed up for miles. And those people are pretty frantic. I would never have thought our January ice storm was lucky. If we had to have one, the timing was pretty fortunate. It was after Christmas!!

Ah. The Holidays. There is wrapping paper all over the bedroom. There is flour all over the kitchen floor. The Southern Living Amaryllis and Paper White centerpiece is blooming too soon and will be dried up by December 24th. The Christmas cards were returned for not enough postage and several catalog gifts are back-ordered. There will be 2o cousins for Christmas Eve lunch, immediate family for dinner, then Christmas Morning Breakfast and an Open House Christmas Night for friends. To the grocery store, again. Better get cooking.

There's not enough time. There's too much to do. Who dropped a gift by? D#@*! I didn't get one for them. How dare them be thoughtful. Still have those Angel Tree kids to buy for. Wonder if they would take a check? Stop by for a glass of wine and conversation? Are you kidding? We still haven't put up the Christmas lights. Gotta put up the Christmas lights. The rest of the neighbors are giving us dirty looks. "But honey, ours is the only house on the block with just a wreath on the door. Stand Back! Inflate the 12 foot snow globe!"

Mumbling to yourself? Nah. Not sleeping and making lists at two in the morning? Maybe. Hair falling out? Yes. Just a nervous reaction to stress.

Are you finding yourself short with the kids as you create the perfect Christmas? "Don't bother me. I have 300 gold sequins to glue on this table runner. You'll just be thrilled at the ambiance created (walking past to the Kids Table in the laundry room on Christmas Eve)."

" Oh honey. Love the glitter and Popsicle stick ornament with your precious photo........No!.....not on the Christmas Tree. Got a gold and red blown glass kind of thing going this year. Popsicle sticks just don't go with the theme."

Exaggerated? Maybe. Based somehow on fact? Probably so. I for one got a big dose of put it in perspective last night. I hope some of you reading this were also as blessed. The Muskogee Community Chorus presented Handel's Messiah at St Paul UMC. Sitting there with eyes closed, as the beautiful music filled the sanctuary, you just knew the angels were singing. Handel's breath-taking music proclaims the magnificent gift given Mankind, first prophesied and then fulfilled. The Son of God Incarnate.

Christmas is not a Hallmark card with Snoopy in a manger. Christmas is not Barry Manilow singing "Seasonal Carols" or holiday cocktails for all Twelve Days of Christmas. In a way, it is not family or friends or traditions, though they are definitely bonuses to the celebration. It is an acknowledgement of the birth of a Saviour. As Handel so beautifully proclaims, King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Hallelujah.

I'm for one am going to take a deep breath. It's time to simplify the preparations so we can acknowledge and reflect on the season. As the T-shirt says, remember the reason. I'm putting my foot down. Happy Holidays just does not do it for me. There are lots of holidays. There is only one birth of Christ. So, to all who believe:

A Very Merry Christmas

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Final Exams

This week students around the area are taking final exams. Some schools have exemption policies for exemplary attendance during the semester, others are more traditional and give comprehensive exams to all.

Comprehensive finals exams are important because they help your child review the information learned during the semester. In almost every school they count for only one-fifth of the grade. They can hurt a student's grade, however, if they do poorly on the exam. They can also moderately raise a student's bad grade.

Please stress the importance of final exams and encourage your children to study as we enter this last week before the holiday vacation. If you value education, your child will value education, even though it may sometimes seem like s/he doesn't.

High school may be looked on as rinky-dink, but it is preparation for what awaits your child in college. Although times are changing to accommodate the lackadaisical American education system, most universities still give only a mid-term and final to their undergraduates. Professional schools, such as law school, give only one test per semester and that's the basis for the student's whole grade. This, too is a preparation for the challenges that await a person in life - it tests the mettle out of which a person is made.

Are there final exams in life? I think there are at every stage, and sometimes we flunk them. Fortunately those don't go on our permanent transcript.

Here is a great macaroni and cheese recipe to make this week as fortification against those hours of study your child will put in on top of work, sports, church, and extracurricular activities. Good luck!

Real Macaroni and Cheese
1 8 oz. package elbo macaroni, cooked and drained
12 oz. shredded cheddar cheese
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 1/2 cups milk
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground white or black pepper
Layer in thirds in a lightly greased 2 quart casserole: one part macaroni, then one part cheese, but reserve the last cup of cheese for later. Combine eggs, milk, salt, and pepper; pour over macaroni. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with remaining one cup of cheese. Let stand about 10 minutes to melt the cheese before serving. Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper, if desired.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Two Weeks and Counting

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Two weeks til Christmas
Where does the time go?
Shopping to do
Then wrapped with a bow.
The teens in your house
Are easy to please,
Ipods and lap- tops
On you put the squeeze.
Razors and Coaches
And flat screened TV's
It seems in your family
A rich Santa you need.
The tree is not decorated
There's no one around,
To help with the trimming
No teen can be found.
Six dozen Christmas cookies
In bright green and red;
Stood alone and unguarded,
Teenage-boys? Enough said.
Gifts for the neighbors
Now must be bought
So much for homemade
Poinsettas now sought.
Daughter announces
(On Sunday before)
Her friend gifts are needed
So back to the stores.
The house is all polished,
You've worked for a week.
Wait, schools's out today
Your plans get a tweek.
The dishes are stacked
In the sink night and day,
Their clothes you step over,
As this prayer you pray:


Lord help me remember

This time too shall pass

To not be impatient

Nor let life go too fast.

Each stage with our children

Is unique in it's way

Each moment a blessing

Give thanks for today.

Lord give me patience

And guide me as I

Help these children grow

On you I rely.

May the seeds that we've planted

Nurture and grow

And Christmases from now

We'll reflect in the glow

Of children who grew to be

Honest and giving

Loving and strong

And making a living.

It all comes full circle

As around once again

Our daughters and sons

Become women and men.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Visualize Whirled Peas

Do you remember that wordplay from the late 1980's - vizualize whirled peas? Whatever happened to that vision for world peace? It was the mantra of the Pepsi Generation and those teeangers standing around a big evergreen tree cheerily teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony in the Coke commercial. Was it the real thing or have we just given up on that vision?


We are fighting for democritization of the Middle East, but I don't recall anyone's having mentioned world peace as part of the deal, or even whirled peas. And, I don't think I recall hearing the words "world peace" come out of a teenager's mouth since the mid 1990's. Maybe teens simply are not as naive as we once were.


But, I just got home from a wonderful evening at China King Restaurant with the members of Muskogee High School Asian Club, of which I am the sponsor. If these kids are any indication of young people around the world, it makes me wonder why world peace isn't possible.


This invasion of youth included Koreans, Spaniards, Vietnamese, Indonesians, Chinese, Mexicans, Swiss, Hindus, and Americans of all ethnicities. They laughed and told stories, ate with chop sticks, read their fortune cookies, and took pictures of each other.


Ok, so it's not cool to be a peace-nik in this day and age of doing stupid, pointless acts that can be video-ed with a cell phone and posted on YouTube. Maybe the virtual world has rendered the real one, with its ugly genocides in Darfur and Sudan and threats of war elsewhere, unimportant to this generation.


It's hard to analyze right now, but a definite shift is coming. I'm not going to say these teens will be asking for world peace tomorrow, but I do think there is a movement to hold the rest of their generation accountable. There is a growing intolerance among this very tolerant crowd for the stupidity that has prevailed for the last decade or so. In fact, there is a growing intolerance for world stupidity, for lack of a better term. Here are some statistics which point out why teens are becoming fed up:

*In the U.S., youth homicide rates are more than 10 times that of other leading industrialized nations, on par with the rates in developing countries and those experiencing rapid social and economic changes. The youth homicide rate in the U.S. stood at 11.0 per 100,000 compared to France (0.6 per 100 000), Germany (0.8 per 100 000), the United Kingdom (0.9 per 100 000) and Japan (0.4 per 100 000). [World Report on Violence and Health, World Health Organization 2002]

• Persons under the age of 25 accounted for nearly 50 percent of those arrested for murder and 62 percent of those arrested for robbery in 2005. [Youth Violence Facts at a Glance, Summer 2007, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)]

*The World Health Organization declared violence the number one health problem worldwide.


At least there are signs of, maybe not world peace, but a rebellion against these statistics. It's time - not one more person should be killed by a kid with a gun. Hopefully this generation can find a way to end the violence in just American society, if not the world. That would be a huge start.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Breathe Deeply

It's official. Joe Camel is officially "reassigned." The cool dromedary with the shades and hip wardrobe has been eliminated as the spokesman for Camel cigarettes. That is well and good but it would be hard to convince me that Joe is entirely responsible for the popularity of tween and teen smoking . Could it be peer pressure? Insecurity and wanting to look "cool"? Adults who smoke? The entertainment industry? An accepted and necessary addition to the teen experience as they perceive it? How about invincible, young and stupid?

Among persons aged 12-17 years, the first use of cigarettes per 1,000 potential news users has been rising continuously and has been steadily higher than for persons aged 18-25 years since the early 1970s.
+ At least 4.5 million adolescents (aged 12-17 years) in the United States smoke cigarettes.
+ Young people vastly underestimate the addictiveness of nicotine. Of daily smokers who think that they will not smoke in five years, nearly 75 percent are still smoking five to six years later.
+ Seventy percent of adolescent smokers wish they had never started smoking in the first place. http://www.parentingteens.about.com/

Truth #1: Any one's teen can start smoking. Every day in the United States, more than 3,000 young people become regular smokers-that's more than one million new smokers a year. The pull to smoke is not just affecting someone else's kid. Your teen sees the glamorous advertising, has peers who smoke and is as vulnerable to becoming a smoker as much as anybody else's teen.

Truth #2: Nearly all first time smoking happens before high school graduation, according to the CDC. If your teen hasn't started smoking before he/she graduates, chances are he/she never will. That is good news. It means that you have the time to influence your teen and their choices.
Truth #3: Actively working on your teens self-esteem, self-confidence and resilience can prevent your teen from smoking. Often, teens cite 'being accepted' as a reason for starting to smoke, along with modeling someone they admire, to loose weight or to overcome stress. Help your teen develop friendships, shape a healthy body image and deal with stress without having to turn to tobacco use.

Truth #4: Your teen needs to hear that smoking is bad for him/her from you. While your teen's friends may seem to be more important to your teen, you are his/her number one choice to learn about values. This is the time to make it count. Send a clear message to your teen that you consider smoking to be unhealthy.

Truth #5: If your teen smokes, he/she can't quit just because you've ask. According to American Cancer Society 'the best school health classes won't have much effect on the students who already smoke, unless those teens are also offered professional help to quit.' Teens do not realize they are addicted until it is too late. Among adolescents aged 10 - 18, about three-fourths of daily cigarette smokers report that they continue to use tobacco because it is really hard for them to quit. Your teen needs to team up with you and a doctor in order to kick this nasty habit. It is worth your time and money to help your teen get through this problem.

Here's a questionnaire found on the net to figure out if a teen is smoking. It seems obvious, however, that a kid stuffing towels under the door and who smells like an old ashtray- is probably lighting up. My experience was that most kids with a lick of self preservation are not smoking at home. Still the same issues, just harder to catch in the act.

Here's the quiz ( or- Is My Kid Smoking ?- For Dummies)
Have you found lighters, matches or crushed tobacco in your teen'S room, backpack or pants pocket?
Does your teen's room smell like stale smoke?
Does your teen use a lot of air freshener in his/her room? (No, but I do!)
Does your teen put a towel down to block the crack under their bedroom door?
Does your child come home from school or a friend's house with his/her clothes and hair smelling like smoke?
Do your teen's friends smoke?
Has your teen lost weight? (
other issues here too)
Does your teen brush his/her teeth more often and at odd times of the day? (
Is this a bad thing?)
Is your teen evasive when you ask where they have been? (This one just goes with teen territory-not always signaling that they are smoking!)


Seriously, the statistics are sobering.
*On average, someone who smokes a pack or more of cigarettes each day lives 7 years less than someone who never smoked.
*The resting heart rates of young adult smokers are two to three beats per minute faster than nonsmokers.
*Smoking at an early age increases the risk of lung cancer. For most smoking-related cancers, the risk rises as the individual continues to smoke.
*Teenage smokers suffer from shortness of breath almost three times as often as teens who don't smoke.
*Teenage smokers are more likely to have seen a doctor or other health professionals for an emotional or psychological complaint.
* Teens who smoke are three times more likely than nonsmokers to use alcohol, eight times more likely to use marijuana, and 22 times more likely to use cocaine. Smoking is associated with a host of other risky behaviors, such as fighting and engaging in unprotected sex.

My Mother started smoking when she was 15 years old. She tried to quit all her life. She would wet the pack and throw it in the trash. Two hours later the smell of drying tobacco would waft through the house. There were the filters that supposedly captured the tar. There were the "light" versions. One time she tried hypnosis. Mother white knuckled it sometimes. Not fun at our house then. Mom crunched sour lemon candy until her enamel was gone. She chewed the gum and wore the patches. She walked around and around the block. No matter how hard my Mom tried, she could never break the addictive habit. And did she try! My beautiful and brave Mother had to use oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 4 years. She died of emphysema at the age of 71.

Anyone young and reading this- Smoking shortens your life. More importantly, smoking severely effects the quality of your life while you are living it. It ages your arteries, increases your risk of heart and lung disease, weakens your immune system and promotes cancer. It prematurely ages you on the inside and on the outside. When you become an adult, trust me on this one, you will want to live a long time. Additionally, you will want to be healthy while you are doing it. Don't start smoking, or if you are, stop. Get help if you need it. You ( and the family you will have someday) will never regret it.

Side note: Wacky Santa is coming to the Muskogee Public Library on Monday, Dec 10th from 6:30-8:30. Presented by the Muskogee Library Teen Board, he's arriving to entertain 12 and up. Food, Prizes and Fun. Don't miss it!




Friday, November 30, 2007

A Cellular Cheat Sheet

Since about 2002 students have been using their cell phones for purposes other than just phoning home. 2002 is about the time articles began appearing about students using cell phone technology to cheat on tests.

In 2003 several students at the University of Maryland in Rockport were caught in a scam perpetrated by an ingenious professor. Evidently the university's protocol was to post test answers online immediately after an exam had started. Students were then texting friends who would go online and find the answers then text them back to their friends taking the exam. Professors suspected some students of cheating, but could never prove it until one professor posted fake answers to the test questions, thereby catching all the students who had those answers on their tests.

Also making the news was the use of cell phones to cheat on standardized tests such as the ACT and even more infamously the SAT in which students used their camera phones to take pictures of the test.

As more and more students have gained access to cell phones, the cheating has expanded to just your regular old run-of-the-mill tests. Students can store information such as formulas, vocabulary words, and other facts in their phones. They then try to sneakily take the phones out, hiding them (or trying to) in their lap where they then pull up the information. Unsuspecting parents may not realize that $150 phone they just purchased for their child could be a cellular cheat sheet. A casual question - "Have you ever used your cell phone to cheat on a test?" - might produce some surprising answers as parents discover they have been the unwitting accomplices in an elaborate ruse.

Some news articles have called this a creative use of cellular technology. Actually it's only a glorified, technological cheat sheet, the kind kids used to write on a tiny piece of paper hidden between their legs on the seat of their desk. It just goes to show that there is nothing new under the sun and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who's First??

If you have more than one child, you may be very aware of distinct differences between their personalities. One is gung-ho, one is and quiet, one is always standing on his head and making jokes. Is it in their genes, or training, or an accident of nature that makes them who they are?

In a recent article in Time Magazine, The Power of Birth Order maintains that " in family after family, case study after case study, the simple roll of the birth-date dice has an odd and arbitrary power all it's own. " In June, a group of Norwegian researchers released a study showing that firstborns are generally smarter than any siblings who come along later, enjoying on average a three point higher IQ advantage over the next eldest. This is probably a result of the intellectual boost that comes from mentoring younger siblings and helping them in day to day tasks. Additionally, first children get more stimulation and interaction from their parents. The second child, in turn, in a point ahead of the third. Time states that "while three points may not seem like much, the effect can be enormous. Just 2-3 IQ points can correlate to a 15 point difference in SAT scores.

Studies in the Philippines show that later-born siblings tend to be shorter and weigh less that earlier borns. Peyton Manning is 6 ft. 5 in. and younger brother Eli is 6-ft. 4-in. Younger siblings are less likely to be vaccinated and last-borns are immunized at only half the rate of first borns. Elder siblings are also disproportionately represented in higher paying professions. 43% of CEO's are first born. Eldest siblings are also prevalent among MBA's and surgeons. and the U.S. Congress. Younger siblings, though less intellectual perhaps, are statistically likelier to live the creative and exciting life of an artist, a comedian, an adventurer, entrepreneur or firefighter. And middle children? Well, they can be a puzzle, even to the researchers.

In families, none of this comes as a surprise. There are few that can't identify a first-born who makes the best grades, keeps the other kids in line and winds up as caretaker and executor in their parents old age. Many "in the middle" are lost children and often the last is that "wild child". Look at your family scrapbooks. Are they stuffed with pictures and report cards of the firstborn with fewer entries and pictures of the children born next in line? The later borns notice it too.

Younger siblings find strategies to change the power system. They don't have size on their side, at least at first, but they have other methods. One is humor. It's hard to resist the charms of someone who can make you laugh and lots of families can identify that last born clown who has learned to get his way by being funny. Birth-order scholars note that some of history's greatest satirists-Voltaire, Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain-were the youngest members of large families. Stephen Colbert is the last of 11 children. Personality tests show firstborns score well on general responsibility and follow through and that later borns score higher as what is known as agreeableness, or the simple ability to get along in the world. Something else interesting. Later borns are similarly willing to take risks with their physical safety. Prince Harry is a good example.

If the oldest are achievers and the youngest are the gamblers and visionaries, where does that leave those in between? Think about it. For a while, they are the baby. They're too young for the privileges of the oldest and too young for the leniency granted the youngest. They are expected to step up to the plate when the eldest leaves and generally serve when called. That Norwegian study discovered that should a first born die, the second-borns IQ actually rises.

Time describes middle born as "stuck for life" in a center seat. They are never alone and never get 100% of their parents investment of time and money. Self esteem issues may arise. One tendency cited in the study is that often the next born observes the one born before and then does the opposite. A middle child might become a slacker or rebellious if the eldest is a high achiever. This is called a "scape goat" in family dynamics. They often are less connected to family and more to friends.

Birth Order is of course just a theory. Some points may ring true. Others may seem the opposite in your own growing up order or that of your children. It is still helpful to see what the studies have found and at least tuck it away as you relate to your own children. Any help as we raise them to be the adults they will become is a good thing. So get that middle child's Baby Book out and fill in all those blank pages! And do check their vaccination records. I know my youngest was 6 months behind his shots at every appointment.

Here's an easy canape recipe I got from my dear friend Susan. It's fast and delicious.

Pumpkin Spread
Pumpkin Butter (She used Williams Sonoma Pumpkin Pecan Butter, but I found Pumpkin Butter at Homeland here in town)
1 block cream cheese
1 cup toasted and salted chopped pecans
1 bunch green onions, chopped
6 strips of bacon, crumbled (I used the already cooked and just zapped it a minute)
Spoon pumpkin over cream cheese
top with other ingredients
Serve with whole wheat Wheat Thins or any nutty type cracker
(I think sugared pecans with a bit of cinnamon would also be really good with this. I'll try it next time and let you know)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Count Your Blessings

Chrissie's great blog about family time at Thanksgiving highlights the importance of keeping traditions alive. One tradition my daughter and I have shared over the course of her lifetime is getting an angel from the Salvation Army Angel Tree and buying the gifts for our angel together.

This yeat the Angel Trees are divided into boys, girls, and nursing home residents. My daughter and I decided upon a teenager who lives in a nursing home. He is the same age as my son, my daughter's little brother. It took hardly any thinking to know that this was the angel we should get. What kept running through our minds was, in a different sitiation, this could be our little brother.

All he wanted was a ball cap, socks, and some after shave. We went to Hibbet Sports and picked out a Nike hat and several pairs of Nike socks. Then we went to Dillard's and Bath and Body works for some after shave and cologne. The clerks helped us eagerly, and let us know that they and their moms do the very same thing every year.

Getting an angel from the Angel Tree is evidently a big tradition on many people's lists. It is an easy way to teach one's children how to give back to those less fortunate than they are. It is also a great way to show them, and one's self, how very, very blessed our lives are.

I take my students to the Angel Tree, too, and have had so much fun with them at the mall, watching them pick out special gifts for a tiny little boy or girl who might cross paths with them at some time in the future. We never know when that little angel might grow up to be the person who saves our life with a blood donation or might go on to be our child or grandchild's teacher or doctor.

What goes around comes around, and as corny as it may sound, I think it is true. It may just be the luck of the draw, it could be the chaos theory in action, but I do believe that when we count our blessings and stop to consider how much we take for granted and give thanks for what we have been given, no matter how shabby or elegant it might be, our blessings multiply in unforseen ways. It's the being grateful that opens our eyes.

Your teenagers are not too old to go with you to get an angel off of the Angel Tree, in fact this is the best time to round them up and go. If they are looking for a school club project, you might also suggest this activity. It's a great way to help out another human being in the midst of holiday commercialization and it benefits someone right here at home.

Only HOW MANY days 'til Christmas?!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

We Gather Together

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Do you have a funny Thanksgiving story? One that just has to be retold every year? The year the dog got the turkey or all the Great Aunts got tipsy while making the gravy? What about a special tradition in your family? Be it silly or somber, is it what signifies the holiday to you and yours? Say, a maiden aunt's crookneck squash turkeys made with colored toothpicks and construction paper. They sat precariously on their little toothpick legs, among the floral centerpiece and old wedding silver. And of course, those certain foods and recipes that your group's Thanksgiving table will never be without. Aunt Sue's Broccoli Salad or long gone Visie's yeast rolls. One taste, and she's back in the kitchen with you, smiling and holding court.

Hands down, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all. Understand, I love Christmas as much as the next person, but the shopping and decorating and weeks of leading up to, and days of taking down, are not exactly relaxing. It's the holiday that goes on forever. And all those expectations that have to be met. It's nerve-wracking. It's expensive. It's exhausting.

Thanksgiving. Now there's a holiday. You still get the family without the fuss. It's fallish. It's festive. It's fun. Everyone in one place without a game plan. There's time to catch up. Time to reconnect. And best of all, time to remember.

As the preceding generation leaves us, it becomes harder to stay connected. When my Mother and her sister were gone, the cousins all kind of floated, loosey goosey. First our Grandparents, and then our Mothers were no longer in charge. We realized very quickly how much we needed each other. We realized we wanted our children to have what we had been so blessed with. We grew up together with a strong sense of self. We had a knowledge of where we came from and who we were. The greatest gift we could give to our loved ones memory (and the greatest gift to ourselves) was to continue instilling a strong sense of family. Additionally, when we are gone, the younger generation will have each other to support and love them like only family can. They share a history because they have shared their lives.

Cousins move out of their house so you can stay there while your daughter is having heart surgery. Sister-in law's have Valentine parties for your grandchildren and shop better for your family than you do. Brothers sit with your husband while he smokes 25 Thanksgiving turkeys or dog sit their niece's Jack Russell, a dog only family could love. Brothers know why you are who you are, because they were there too. They know all the inside jokes. One key word and you look at each other and burst out laughing. Floyd! HA HA HA. Cousins bring baby presents and cry with you at funerals and have Easter get-togethers because Thanksgiving only comes once a year. Nieces and Nephews grow up with each other and then, these cousins start the marriage and new baby cycle all over again. That's the way it's supposed to work isn't it?

How about it? Put those Christmas lights down! Leave Santa in the attic a day or two more. Let the pumpkins and the mums stay for the weekend. Don't miss this holiday getting ready for the next one. May your Thanksgiving be memorable. May your Thanksgiving be happy. May your Thanksgiving be delicious. And most importantly, may your Thanksgiving be blessed with the gift of family.

Aunt Sue's Broccoli Salad
2 bunches Broccoli heads-blanched and chopped
5 hard boiled eggs-chopped
1/2 cup green olives-chopped
1 can real Bacon Bits or 10 slices bacon, fried and chopped
6 green onions, chopped
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Toss Broccoli with 1 cup Wish Bone Italian Dressing
and 1/2 cup Hellman's Mayonnaise
Add rest of ingredients and chill

Aunt Mamie's Toothpick Turkey's
Choose yellow squash with a nice long neck on them
Fan a tail out of colored toothpicks along the "rear" of the turkey
Make eyes with Magic Marker and give the bird two toothpick legs to stand on.
Display proudly!

Aunt Mary Shirley was principal at Sequoyah Elementary School in the late 40's, the 50's and early 60's. She was the first female principal in Muskogee. The MLT building is what's left of the original school. Mamie never married but helped raise not only her nieces and nephews but scores of her students. She was very crafty and loved creating things with Styrofoam, glitter and crepe paper. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out!!!

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

Native Language in a Global World




Today's teens will face finding the answers to tough questions. Some of those questions will concern the role of Native American sovereignty, the rise of the Chinese economy, illegal immigration, and the situation in the Middle East. A common factor in all these questions is language - being able to communicate in a global world.

In honor of Muskogee Public School's Indian Heritage Week celebration, Harry Oosahwee, instructor of Cherokee language at Northeastern State University, spoke to the Advanced Placement Latin class at Muskogee High School.
Oosahwee stressed the importance of language in understanding one's culture. Tribal languages, he said, have been dying at an alarming rate, not just among Native American tribes, but world-wide. As the elders die, knowledge of the language dies with them. It is estimated that over the course of the last few years a language has been lost at the rate of one every two weeks.

This was a process Latin students understood well, having just studied the Celts while reading Caesar's Commentaries on the Gallic War. The loss of native languages for Western Europeans began well over a thousand years ago with the slow absorption of Latin into tribal languages and later with the spread of English. For instance, the Celtic language of Cornish is now spoken by about only 300 people living in England, Australia and the U.S. An attempt to revive it has been made by teaching children Cornish and offering Cornish classes at the University of Exeter.

Similarly, Oosahwee said through tribal efforts and the addition of a Cherokee language degree at NSU, more young people are becoming fluent in Cherokee. While more speakers are lost than are gained at the moment, Oosahwee sees the degree program at NSU as a hope for keeping the language alive.

"Sa' quui, ta-li, tso-i, nv-qi, hi-s-gi," the students count after Oosahwee. Senior Kylor Brice, who has had four years of Latin and is also in his first year of Chinese at MHS, finds it simple to understand the structural scheme of Cherokee cardinal numbers.

"All languages I have studied seem to follow the same paradigms," said Brice. "If you know the numbers from one to ten, then logic tells you what will come next."

What will come next for Latin or Cherokee is hard to predict in our changing world of increased Chinese and Spanish emphasis. Each language represents a tradition symbolizing the way of life and mind-set of its speakers. While Latin will never come back as a native tongue, Cherokee has prospects of returning to a viable living language, keeping alive the long traditions of tribal heritage.

While language is an emotionally charged issue, success in the modern world for now remains via English. The ACT and SAT are currently given only in English, and a clear understanding of English is a necessity for broadening one's opportunity, no matter what one's cultural background. While our teens will face the problem of an official language for America in the future, for the time being any parent who cares about his child’s future success will ensure that his teen can read and write in grammatically correct English. It is the key to their success in the modern business world.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Going Stemmal

Current brain research conducted by educators tells us that when threatened, thinking can vacate the brain and go to the brain stem, where no actual thinking occurs, only the ability to react.

Educators use it to describe student behavior, but has anyone ever thought of applying it to parents?

We have heard of parents going ballistic. Parents can lose their temper, explode, blow up.

But, there is another phenomenon my husband and I jokingly refer to as "going stemmal." Here are the warning signs by which to tell if it has ever happened to you:

1. You have that "deer in the headlights" look.
2. You open your mouth, but no words will come out.
3. You have the vague feeling of motors whirring within a vaccuum in your head.
4. You have heart palpitations that cannot be relieved by any amount of deep breathing.
5. The sight of your child brings widespread panic of such kind that your body walks out of the
room on its own volition.
6. You vascillate back and forth between starring blankly off into space and shaking your head
back and forth in disbelief.

While it is possible you are having a small TIA, chances are that if you have a teenager, your brain has just gone stemmal. You can expect recovery time to last between three to five years or until your child's 21st birthday, whichever comes first. But don't worry or wish your life away during these trying times. They will be gone in a flash and you will hardly remember why you ever needed to go stemmal in the first place.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

We Are FAM-I-LY



Last weekend was Dad's Day at O.U. The 2007, University of Oklahoma, politically correct term is "Family Day" and as always President David and crew are right on top of culturally sensitive issues like, what to put on the souvenir T-Shirt.

Understand, my husband and I have, as of Saturday, attended 12 of these weekends. Add the Mom's Day (forgive me,, Parent Day) festivities in the spring and we're already up to 24. Oh, and factor in the last two years that our youngest still has ahead of him and we're closing in at 28 oh say, Legal Guardian weekends.

These weekends usually consist of some sort of pre-game buffet at the fraternity or sorority house with the Parent's Meeting directly after lunch. There you pay Parent Club dues, contribute to the "house" project of the semester and get lots of information on one endowment fund or another. At the sorority house, local retailers set up co-ed focused merchandise all over the downstairs, so you don't even have to get in the car to go shopping. So convenient! We pose for yet another Party Pic. And sure as shooting, one of our group always has eyes shut tight and another has mouth wide-open. And there's the group photo on the lawn, Dad (sorry O.U. family member #1) and one child or another is precariously balanced on bleachers 10 feet high, as the famous Norman wind rattles the scaffolding.

Since we have two in school, my husband was expected at two different places. His youthful spirit was willing but his aging knees were not quite up to sprinting between houses. The problem was solved as he jumped behind Tom and whooshed off on Tom's zippy blue scooter. There were several startled expressions from more reserved parents as Father and son roared up to the Chi-Omega House but after 12 solid years of Wagner's in Norman, our family mantra is, Whatever Works!

I usually schlep over with goodies from home. "Mom, would you bring a pound cake?" "Hey Mama, all the guys are whining for cheese dip and Brownie Sheet Cake." "Could you bring some My Place chopped beef....oh and some Butterscotch Haystack thingys." "Dad, would you drive through the Charlie's in Shawnee and pick up a gazillion piece Nugget box?"

It's the same on campuses all over the United States. Parents in full school color regalia, grinning from ear to ear, wallets wide open and hearts bursting with pride. This year was particularly special for us. Catherine is a senior, so this was her last Dad's Day. Secondly, it was truly a Family Weekend as all our group was together. Warren and I traveled over with our married daughter's family in their new van. My wisecracking son-in-law did not fail to observe that "Grandma" was way back in the third seat, watching Barney on DVD and sharing Goldfish with three year old Annebelle. Hey, at least I'm not knitting and slobbering on myself.

Ward, (our second born, out of OU, gainfully employed son) came from OKC with his ever patient girlfriend. She is a trooper. Ally comes from a small family. Thrown in with our crew, the first hour or so she usually has a rather startled expression. The first six months or so you might have likened it to sheer terror. Note: large and loud families take some getting used to.

So we were all there. It was a grand time. After the official visits, we migrated to friend Bess's house for more good food and fellowship. Nothing better than sitting at Flood and Lindsey, watching Sooner fans arrive all afternoon. Cath and I jumped on the scooter to buzz the campus. She indicated that per my directions, she had never broken more rules as we zipped across the South Oval and met tailgating friends. Even got to watch the Baylor buses come in. Catherine and I gave a friendly wave as the team passed. We were a bit aghast when one less sportsmanlike Sooner Fan did not use their whole hand to salute the opposition.

The afternoon progressed and it was time to head for the stadium. Some did. Some didn't. It was just too nice being together. It was Baylor for heaven's sake. We did not make eye contact with the family diehards as they headed for the game and the traitors headed for Catherine's house and the fire-pit. The game was on the TV and from her cinder block patio, we could hear the announcer and see the fireworks. It's not that we weren't Sooner fans. It's just that there was lots of catching up to do.

It was a grand weekend. There is nothing more lovely than fall in a college town. The leaves were absolutely glorious. The autumn light made them glow in the sun. There were pumpkins and mums on every porch. It smelled like fall. Sort of that crispy clean, orangey-red, mind cleansing smell. It sounded like fall. The crunch of leaves and acorns as we walked and car horns blaring Boomer Sooner as they passed us. It tasted like fall. Bar B Que and Pumpkin Bars and spicy Virgin Mary's with Lawry's around the rim.

Combine picture perfect surroundings with the excitement and high spirits of a Game Day. Add in great food and old friends. Insert one goofy but lovely family. Mix it all up. What do you get? A slam dunk, making memories, all around marvelous Saturday - in Norman, Oklahoma U.S.A.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Eat, Drink, And Be Merry

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Eating Together. It matters. Could anything be more simple? It matters when our children are small and it matters when they become teenagers. A family dinner is important to instill good eating habits, for social interaction and for strengthening family ties. It's a time to communicate about the day. It's a time to reflect and renew. It's a time to give thanks. It's a time to be together.

Let me take this family dining idea a step further. I read alot about "just grab a pizza or a bucket of chicken, but sit down together." Certainly with all the activities and practices and events in the life of a family, drive-thru's and fast food are often the only options. I may be old-fashioned but sometimes "sitting down to dinner" should be more than a paper sack and squeeze packets of catsup. "Eating Right" is difficult with food to go. Eating Out is expensive! And "nothing says lovin' like something from your oven", right?

It takes a plan but our families are worth it. Casseroles can be made and frozen over the weekend. On Sunday, Dad can charcoal not only steaks but chicken breasts, pork chops and hamburgers for the rest of the week. Baked potatoes from the microwave, broiled tomatoes and a bag'o'salad with extra veggies make a meal. Try baked apples with the pork, whole wheat pasta tossed with fresh Parmesan and garlic butter and spinach salad from a sack with bacon bits, Durkee's onions rings, hard boiled eggs and Catalina dressing. Make fajitas out of the chicken breasts. Throw the peppers and onions on the grill (on foil) and then just wrap up. Shred the chicken and rewarm with the vegetables. Serve with flour tortillas. Hamburgers, baked beans and potato salad from the deli, fresh fruit and chips. Bingo. Four nights of meals.

Take dinner with your family one more step. Set the table. Use real napkins. Add candles or fresh flowers sometimes. Recognize a good grade, a soccer score or passing a driver's test. Celebrate the little things. Celebrate the big things. Enjoy being together.

Every once in a while, how about pulling out your wedding china? If those dishes just stay tucked away, our children will not associate them with anything "family." Aren't those darlings we love most of all worth the "good stuff"? And don't we want them to appreciate beautiful things, .................... and know which fork to use when they have dinner with the President? ( a favorite Wagner reason to use their manners).

Turn off the TV, don't pick up the phone, and keep the conversation positive. Dinnertime is NOT the time to argue, chastise or pull rank. A study by Columbia University has found that teens whose families eat together are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They also have less stress, better grades and -- perhaps most importantly -- better relationships with us! Dinner around a table grounds our children, gives them a sense of who they are, and is the way to nurture and love them.

Here's one of those dishes you can make ahead and freeze. It is similar to Beth's at Harmony House and is a Wagner family favorite. It is good with rice and a grapefruit and avacado salad with Martinique Poppy Seed Dressing. Note: An easy way to jazz up rice is to brown every 1 cup rice (dry) in 5 tbsps melted butter. Transfer to casserole. Substitute chicken or beef broth for the water. Throw in some slivered almonds if you're feeling frisky. Bake, covered, at 325 for about 45 minutes or until done.

Swiss Chicken Casserole
1 T butter or margarine
1 cup milk
4 boneless chicken breasts
salt and pepper
8 slices swiss cheese
1 pkg stuffing mix
1 can mushroom soup
Melt butter in casserole dish. Add Chicken Breasts, cover with swiss cheese. Mix soup and milk and pour over chicken and cheese. S and P to taste. Mix stuffing according to package directions and put on top of casserole. Can be frozen at this point. When ready to bake: Bake, still covered, at 325 degrees for 1 1/2 hours or until bubbly. Serves four generously.


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That Phantom Ringing

At a meeting of the MHS Philosophy Club perhaps the most insightful conversation concerned cell phones. Kids will admit that they are somewhat addicted to their cell phones, like on a scale of 1 - 10, they might be a 9.

But how addicted they are can be seen in the phenomenon of phantoming ringing. I have to admit, I have been the victim of it, too.

Symptoms of phantom ringing range from thinking you hear your cell phone ringing to thinking you feel it vibrating in your pocket or purse, only to pick it up and find not even one new call or message.

I'm not sure how behavioral scientists would explain this, but I think it is clear. Our kids' cell phones have become another limb, an extension of their physical and psychic being; one they long for when it is silent or missing, or even right there in their pocket.

Why would this phenomenon manifest itself in this way? One's cell phone is a connection to the outside world and to friends. Kids may be having superficial conversations in the language of text, but they are communicating with another human being on the average of every ten to twenty minutes. Most of those are significant others: mom, grandma, girldfriend or boyfriend, and best friends.

Unlimited texting allows unlimited access to the teen's extension of self in family and friends. In our world the cell phone has become the most obvious manifestation of sociologist Cooley's infamous Looking Glass Self theory. Not only do teens have a reliable way to obtain needed information about rides, practices, parental instructions and so forth, but they also have a mirror of themselves in the outside world.

Significant Other didn't text right back? Uh-oh, he doesn't like me anymore. Mom didn't get right back to me - she's mad and I must be grounded or have messed up. That cute guy didn't respond to my text - he thinks I'm a geek. A weirdo texted me - what is happening to my social life?!

The fact is that the cell phone ringing is just like that Streamline Princess Phone we all had back in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. When it rang, we knew we were liked, valued, even adored. When it was silent, we were desolate. And, texting is just like that note your best friend left on your car windshield or that really cute someone slipped you in math class.

The ringing is important because it means we are loved. The phantom ring is just an existential sign that we wish someone were there, that we matter to someone. In that sense, the cell phone is a remarkable connection tool. That ring or vibration is an invisible hug - that phatom ring a longing for one.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

ZZZZZZZZZZ

When I was teaching, one of the more frustrating things that occurred was the sleeping student. Some were pretty savvy, holding a book in front of their face and dozing in a sitting position. Others would nod off, head hitting the desk with a thunk and all attention diverted from me to the newly awakened individual. The last types were the most infuriating . Arm slung over the desk, head down, sound asleep. Some drooled. Some talked in their sleep. Some Snored. A few would not wake up until late into the next hour, look around and notice no one familiar. Usually they were furious with me for "making them late" to their next class. Small recompense but I usually had a smile on my face as I watched them stomp out.

There are so many negatives about napping during a class. The first and most obvious is, what is missed during the hour. Lectures, discussions, reviews, assignments...ZZZZZZ. Another downside is the student-teacher relationship. I was always pretty insulted when an individual so little valued what transpired in my class. Also that they were so disrespectful as to sleep in front of me. Common sense says, at least look interested for positive student-teacher interaction.

60% of teens admit to being sleepy during the school day. Why? Jobs, for one thing. Many of my students worked shifts at fast food restaurants that did not end until midnight. There are after- school practices, TV's in the bedroom and an online social life that keeps kids connected 24/7. After children reach their teens, many homes choose to not structure dinnertime, homework, social interaction and bed times. "It's a School Night" has gone the way of black and white TV's and family dinners.

Recent studies have shown that kids today are getting about an hour less sleep than they did 30 years ago.And that decrease in the amount of time spent sleeping can lead to an increase in several problems. "One hour less per night of sleep on a chronic basis can really make a difference on the way the body works," says Dr Ana Kreiger, director of NYU Sleep Disorder Center.

Students who experience even slight sleep deprivation can feel the effects in the classroom. For example, a University of Virginia study showed that sleep deprived kids lost seven points on vocabulary tests. It has also been proven that A students slept an average of 15 minutes longer than B students, who in turn slept more than C students, and so on. "Lack of sleep is definitely not desirable for children and teens," Kreiger continues. "It is going to impair the ability to function well at school and even interact with people at a social level."

Another example of sleeps importance? In the early 90's in Edina, Minnesota, the high school start time was changed from 7:25 to 8:15 .The top SAT scores in the school jumped from 1288 to 1500 after the switch. That is amazing!

Just as we worry about the effects of drugs and alcohol on our teens, we need to consider the effect of sleep deprivation on their developing brains. Sleep problems can impair children's IQs as much as lead exposure. Brains grow as kids sleep. Several studies have shown that sleep-deprived kids are a higher risk for depression, obesity and cognitive delays. Just how much sleep should kids get?

Infants - up to 18 hours
Toddlers 12-14 hours
5-12 years 9-11 hours
Teens 8.5-9.5 hours

Good Morning America's contributing experts Ann Pleshette Murphy and Laura Lacy offer some major bedtime booby traps and solutions to fix them.

No exercise at night: Late-night practices and games make it very hard for kids to slow down and relax - a prerequisite for a good night's rest. For little kids, watch out for pre-bedtime roughhousing, which is also too stimulating. Don't try to tire your child out, because "crashing" to sleep doesn't produce the kind of rest he/she needs.
Embrace the dark side: Light is a major "wake-up" cue, so install blackout shades in kids' rooms, and try dimming the lights before bed. Also reduce screen time before bed: If necessary, take the computer out of the bedroom when it's "lights out." The glow from the TV or computer screen may be enough to keep your teens motor running. Remove the cell phone, too!
Eliminate caffeine from your child's diet. Too many sodas during the day or chocolate for dessert can wreak havoc at bedtime. So can certain medications. Some cold medicine contains decongestants that are stimulants, and certain prescription pain medications may also contain caffeine. Check with your pharmacist or family doctor to find out if your child's medications fall into this category.
Avoid weekend "jet lag": Many people believe that it's OK for kids to catch up on their sleep over the weekend, so we let their routine fall apart. Instead, however, they end up suffering from the equivalent of jet lag and have to reset their biological clocks Monday morning. Try to stick to their weekly bedtime routine as much as possible. Also let them take short naps during the week if necessary, but get them to bed at a reasonable hour. The goal is at least eight hours of sleep, and 10 is preferable!
Walk the walk: We can't yell at our kids to get to bed if we're burning the candle at both ends ourselves. Look at your family's calendar. Make rest and sleep a priority and model that commitment. That means being willing to say no to things. It's a tough challenge, particularly at this time of year when there are so many events coming down the road.
Turn off the Beasts Computers, cell phones, ipods, video games, TV's.....after an agreed upon time, off they go.

As discussed here, kids with a nightly schedule benefit in yet another way. Family dinners, homework a priority, calm and organized preparations for a new day, and now, the gift of a good night's rest. All are important to ground our children, and to give them the tools to succeed in their daily life and in the future.

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm from the Government and I'm Here to Help

No, I'm not really making a political statement. I have just been thinking about how terribly complicated everything has become, especially where our teenagers are concerned.

I think I can trace it back to the year I realized both my small children needed a social security number and they were only toddlers, not even old enough to have a job! I didn't have to have a SSN until around the time I got my driver's license and the government certainly did not require my parents to use it for dependent deductions on income tax returns. I guess getting it as toddlers did help when my kids went out to get their first job, as it alleviated standing in line at the Social Security office.

Then came revisions in the way driver's licenses are issued. First an individual must pass his reading EOI in the 8th grade. Fine - that's a way to force people who don't want to learn to read to do it anyway, and as far as I can tell it is helping to raise the standard to the 8th grade level for all of us drivers.

Then the state began to put complicated restrictions on how many people can be in a newly licensed driver's car, when he can drive, how many can be in the car after dark, etc. with gradated restrictions. At 16 and without driver's ed, I waltzed into the DMV, took a written test, then the driving test, passed both, got in the car and drove home, deliriously happy at my new found freedom, although I did flunk the eye exam and have a restriction for glasses.

With safer cars and being able to read better, you'd think today's teens would have fewer restrictions. They should also have better hand/eye coordination from the number of video games they have played and text messages they have sent with one hand only while watching tv. I'm sure the government has a valid reason, though, for helping with these improvements in driver safety.

But, teens really must be on someone's hit list. Laws are being considered which would raise the legal driving age to 18 or tie a driver's license to school attendance in an effort to lower the drop out rate. It makes sense, as we are moving toward the European way in so many facets of our lives. For years European teens have waited until 18 and saving up for the $1000+ fee to get a driver's license. Of course, they do have a safe mass transit system in most towns, allowing teens greater mobility, which we will surely be getting anytime now in the U.S., because our long range government planners have our back, right?

Likewise, No Child Left Behind is an attempt to fix American education by making students pass end-of-instruction tests to graduate, just as they do in Europe. This is a complicated process of testing, remediating, and retesting until the student either passes the test or graduates or drops out of school, whichever comes first. As far as I can tell, the drop out rate has actually increased since I was in school when there were no EOI tests or No Child Left Behind, and conversely American creativity and productivity has declined. But, I am hopeful that all of these measures will help students finally achieve their full potential and find good paying jobs in our service economy.

I am being very facetious, but I am really serious about how complicated everything has become. More and more restrictions seem to be placed on us everyday. I am reminded of what Cicero said "Where mores are sufficient, laws are unnecessary. Where mores are lacking, laws are unenforceable."

How does this apply to the care and feeding of teenagers? The greatest gift we can give our children is the ability to self-govern. It affects every aspect of their achieving their goals in life. It also affects the greater American society and our ability to maintain our individual liberty. The government can enact all the laws in the world, but unless the governed consent to abide willingly and rightly by the law when it is rational, no amount of legislation will be effective, unless, of course, we are headed toward totalitarianism.

I don't want that for my children or grandchildren and I don't think you do, either, so I leave you with the words of former President Ronald Reagan -
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

Let's all help by instilling our children with a sense of responsibility toward each other, but most of all toward themselves. It is their future, afterall.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Thumb Through One at the Check-Out....Yikes!

"Hallway make-out sessions: Dos and Don'ts" .
"How to let him know you're interested."
"How to look hot, even if you feel you're not."

"How to be IN and not OUT"

A recent issue of a popular teen magazine advocated ways to "flirt your way to a date". Another? Turning up one's personal heat (whatever that means) . A featured beauty tip? "Making lips look like they "want to be kissed", of course including a page and a half of advertising for lipsticks, liners and glosses. The marketing demographic? 12-16 year old girls.

Dawn Currie, in an issue of Daughters magazine shares that if your daughter is typical, she'll be drawn to teen magazines. Their allure begins at about age 10 and can last until 16. During these years, she may feel passionately about traditional titles like seventeen and newer reads like Cosmo Girl. Whether or not you like these magazines, they're an unavoidable part of the adolescent landscape. And researchers have found that girls don't have to buy teen magazines to read them - they're everywhere. As parents, we must decide how to respond. Should you worry if your daugther avidly reads teen magazines?

Currie continues, "if you read Seventeen when you were young, you're in for a surprise." The editors of many teen magazines now treat adolescent girls like adults. Annemarie Iverson, former editor of the now defunct YM, was typical. She held a cookie klatch with teens every Friday, and told the New York Times, "Their lives parallel mine. They are so stressed out." Meanwhile, CosmoGirl's editor wants her magazine to tell girls 'everything we finally learned at 25 that we wished we'd known when we were 15." Even the new magazine Mary-Kate and Ashley, written for girls 10 and older, aims to "treat girls like smart women."

These editors argue that girl readers face grown-up problems, and therefore need the information they offer. Indeed, it's true that our daughters must make decisions about sexual activity, drug use, and drinking several years before we did. Teen magazines alone don't create that reality, but they do offer girls standards and expectations - ways of deciding what's normal.

Unfortunately, analyzing teen magazines' content reveals that "normal" means looking good, having a boyfriend, consuming goods, and high school as an endless popularity contest. The diverse identities and concerns of real girls are scarcely addressed, and messages like "be yourself" and "do what's good for you" are overwhelmed by basic beauty-and-boyfriend assumptions. These magazines have very little to say to girls about the value of academic achievement, community service or setting goals for the future. It's fair to say the brain is not the "hot" organ at the center of teen magazines content.

This narrow view does not address our daughter's whole self. Studies show girls are going to read the magazines. The question is, how to open up discussion and use the publications to help your teen identify marketing techniques and limited content.

*Point out the narrow content. It's normal for adolescent girls to want to fit in with their peers. With that in mind, try not to prohibit or attack teen magazines. Instead, discuss with your girl the limitations of their content, which is not nearly rich enough to reflect her life, interests, and potential.
*All girls are different. Research shows that girls who already have a poor self-image are more vulnerable to teen magazines. If this describes your daughter, talk with her directly about the underlying messages in these magazines. And if she's reading Seventeen or Cosmo Girl at 13, ask her to substitute one of the magazines listed below.
*Stress competence over appearance. A resilient girl feels competent. Help your daughter find things she does well, especially activities that lie outside traditional definitions of femininity. Promote sports, one of the fine arts or leadership and service . Activities like these give girls a deep and abiding sense of self.

Nancy Gruver (who is the founder of New Moon, the magazine for girls and their dreams AND the executive director of the amazing non profit called Dads and Daughters) , has put together some great tips for managing teen targeted magazines.
She suggests:

1. Decide ahead of time at what age you will allow her to read which magazines. Try to avoid censorship, which makes the magazines "forbidden fruit" she reads in secret-where you can’t discuss their content with her.

2. Read her magazines yourself so you can converse casually (don't lecture!) about them.

3. Look critically at the magazines as an adult. Do they objectify females or reduce them to body parts? Ask your teen, "how would you feel if it was your daughter in those photographs? Do your magazines make you judge your own body? Do they make you crave certain clothes, makeup, cars and products?"

4. Ask your daughter to identify her favorite article and ad in each issue. Listen for her underlying emotional need and think about other ways you can help her meet that need. Is she concerned about her body? Is she worried about fitting in or getting male attention? When you provide positive attention for ALL of who she is, she’ll have less desire for "appearance-only" attention from others.

5. Ask her what she thinks is real and unreal in each issue. Are the celebrity photographs altered? Do the models look like girls or women she knows? Does the magazine address everything teen girls are thinking of?

6. Tap your own family history for women of accomplishment and influence. Developing a sense of family heritage can feed pride in her ancestors who look like her and did wonderful, important things.

7. Ask her what effect she thinks an article or ad is trying to have on readers. Express your opinions (after listening to hers) about the articles and ads.

8. Provide her with alternatives magazines (see below) even if she does not ask for them. It’s like stocking the kitchen with healthy snacks, even if she begs only for chips and soda. Take old magazines and cut out images and words with her to create articles and ads with respectful, nurturing messages. Compare them to the usual fare.

Most important, keep the communication lines open and trust that as she matures and gains self-confidence, with your support, she’ll find shallow magazines less interesting and will turn toward more challenging and thought provoking pursuits.

Check out these alternatives to traditional teen magazines
American Girl celebrates girlhood and total self. Ages 8-12 http://www.americangirl.com/
New Moon Girl Strong on Total Girl Message ages 8-14 http://www.newmoon.org/
Dream/Girls Interested in Self-expression and the arts ages 9-15 http://www.dgarts.com/
Teen Voices Writing and Literature ages 14-22 http://www.teenvoices.com/


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Monday, October 22, 2007

The Teen Whisperer

Everyone has heard of the Horse Whisperer, but have you heard of The Teen Whisperer?

I had a conversation with Mike Linderman, the Montana based counselor/calf roping author of The Teen Whisperer: How to Break Through the Silence and Secrecy of Teenage Life, a brand of therapy aimed at helping hard-to-reach teens based on developing a trusting relationship first. While he is the model of his method - and he is an excellent role model - I wanted to know if he felt that his technique could truly be replicated by parents, teachers, counselors, or anyone who wants to help a struggling teen.

He gave me an unequivocal "yes." To sum up the publisher's review on Amazon, the book's basic premise is this:

The Five Primary Needs of Teens (Survival, Fun, Freedom, Power, and Belonging) are essential throughout a child's life, up through (and I would add beyond) the teen years. These develop a healthy family dynamic, but when a family is incapable of fulfilling these needs, dysfunction sets in in the form of various detrimental teen behaviors ranging from a noticeable silence or depression to severe rebelliousness. Mike provides concrete steps that parents can take to reconnect with their teens as they work together to create a stronger relationship and kids learn to:
Trust themselves and others
Process emotion and pain in healthy ways
Understand and appreciate boundaries
Gain joy and pride in real work
Live a life of love, respect and gratitude


In speaking with Mike on the phone today, I asked him what the essential qualities necessary for replicating his successes with teens are, since often a new therapy or self-help cure is contingent upon the person who originates the idea, but becomes weakened when passed on to others (think Covey's 7 Habits or Marva Collins/Great Expectations - great programs requiring great facilitators to keep up the enthusiasm).

Mike narrowed his response down to two basic ideas (I am paraphrasing Mike here) :

Pure intentions - parents/others must develop a relationship with the teen in which he/she feels that the intentions to reform his behavior are pure. Parents cannot be acting from a selfish viewpoint (such as "You're making our family look bad..."). Children are not property and cannot be treated as such. Once parents get their motivation clear in their minds, they can approach the teen in a rational manner, showing that the teen's success is the real issue.

2.) Mike uses Motivational Interviewing as his guideline for getting to the bottom of whatever issue the teen is facing. Mike says that what he tries to do is "come alongside teens and help them figure out their own answers." Again, children are not property; they cannot fulfill the dreams and wishes of their parents like little puppets. Parents must allow the child to reason out his own life and answers to his behavioral conflicts rationally.

If parents are going to use this book to help an ailing teen, then a synthesis of Mike's work for me speaks clearly to the parents as the models for rational behavior, developing especially the five primary teen needs. Ideally, we want to try our best to shape a happy, healthy family. I would advise parents read Mike's book even if they have a perfect child, paying special attention to the five primary teen needs.

So, I woud like to address a third thing that has made Mike's therapy successful and use it as a guide for others to follow, and that is Mike himself. His voice in The Teen Whisperer is clear, and parents should use all the techniques listed to help struggling teens.

But, as I have said before, parents can help their children by being the model of what they are trying to instill. Parents don't have to be infallible, but they do have to realize that they are being watched. If you are going to try to reform your offspring's behavior, you as the parent might also need a little tweak before you start.

Mike claims to not have a long list of PhD's following his name, which may be true. What he is, however, is a model of what he is trying to instill in others. He played football in Montana, was in National Honor Society, attended the University of Montana and intended to major in veterinary medicine. Taking his first psychology course changed his focus. He served in the Armed Forces for six years, served in Desert Storm in Iraq, earning his degree in counseling and finally returning to Montana where he now practices.

I asked Mike what part courage plays in shaping a family and reforming dangerous teen behavior. You see, Mike was not only in Desert Storm, but was also a firefighter and first responder. He said that by all means it takes courage. Parents have to have the courage to be there for their children. Mike wouldn't brag about it, but part of his success is the courage to respond to people authentically with pure intentions and a listening ear, a trait often derided in our "me, me, me" world. That is one of the most important lessons Mike Linderman can teach us all. We don't have to be perfect and we can't be there all the time, but we can try.

And, speaking of courage, Mike and his wife plan on opening their home to four troubled teens at a time to bring authentic love and trust into these young people's lives with the hope of reforming destructive behavior and saving their lives. If that isn't courageous, I don't know what is.

The Teen Whisperer is available at Amazon.com or at WaldenBooks. Visit Mike's website at http://www.mikelinderman.com/ or email him at TeenWhisperer@gmail.com.