Cave Dweller's input and insight have definitely struck a chord. Responses have been heartfelt and enthusiastic. Our contributing Grandmother added an addendum that both Melony and I thought was an important addition to her story and her point of view. I hope her words of encouragement reach the people who need it.
One thing. Yes. We will begin to include more recipes! There has been so much to discuss this summer, our cooking for teens segment has been inadvertently put on the back burner. (what a bad pun) If you have a good recipe to share, please do so! This site is open to input from you and we would love to have some great menu ideas, particularly as school gets ready to start and routines begin again.
Cave Dwellers Addendum
It has been bothering me that many, many Parents, Grandparents, Legal Guardians, Caregivers, are out there who have given of themselves tirelessly, and did everything they could and yet had a child that would not take the chance they had been given.
I don't want any of these people to ever feel they failed!
It is my firm belief that often times, there are children who have been so severely damaged, not only by mistreatment, but by lack of solid teaching, guidance, and supervision, ( known as neglect), that these kids simply can't handle any situation where they can't make their own decisions. They have been in control of their own lives for so long, and/ or so mistreated and neglected by the adults in their lives, they can no longer trust any adult enough to let them have "power" over them. And sometimes, kids simply just "go the wrong way", even when they have had the best Parents a kid could have. Often , there is simply nothing anyone can do but pray...
The simple truth is this,,, Many times, kids who have had every advantage in life one can have, fall and never get back up . And many times, a kid who has had nothing but rejection, has been in trouble throughout his or her teens, seemed to never care about any body or anything, grows up to be a wonderful wife, or husband, a great mother or father, and has learned that success is being thought of by your peers and family as an honest, trustworthy, loving human being, and not based on what kind of car you drive, how big your house is, and where you last vacationed......
For all those who have given it their all, and did everything they could to set a young one on a good path, only to have that child turn away from you, please remember this, you undoubtedly "planted a seed" in that child and it truly is up to him or her to cultivate it at some point in their life......It's called , "accountability".
CaveDweller
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Notice, No Failure
Here is the third and final part of CaveDweller's story. We hope that her story and success have given courage to people facing a similar situation.
If you want to post a comment for her or have a general question about achieving the kind of success she has had, just hit the comment button at the bottom of the message. We will make her aware of your question and she will respond to you shortly.
Part III - Notice, No Failure
And thankfully, the court system had ordered counseling for Danny and for us as a family. Without that, I don't think we would have survived. We were taught that Danny had to learn to live by our rules. Not the other way around. Of course, we had to change some of our rules to fit his needs, too.
Through the counseling, and getting him into church, and learning to set realistic goals for him and us, following through with consequences, and learning to praise him often for even the smallest "good" things, and many, many, many hugs, he is emerging from his wounded, therefore obstinate, argumentative and restless self, into a kid whocares about his future, and who seems to love us once again.
If I could only give one word of advice, it would be to stay consistent!! Put your house rules and the consequences for breaking those rules in writing. Tape them to back of your child's bedroom door. Have them read them, and sign them! And do not soften the consequences when a rule is broken. Follow through!!
Try to remain calm and keep your tone of voice low when you must enforce a consequence. DO NOT ARGUE! One of the first house rules should be that if you walk away, your teen is NOT to follow you. If they do, they will immediately lose a valued privilege such as cell phone, Xbox, car, TV, etc.
If you do not take away privileges as consequences, you may as well just give up. You can't reach kids through reason, nor can you reach them by playing a "sympathy" card.Most teens have no sympathy for adults. They do not gain a sense of empathy until much later.
One last thing...NEVER make your child do something that you, yourself will not do. And set an example for what you want your kid to be. If you don't want him to smoke or drink, then don't do it yourself! If you don't want him to use bad language, thenwatch your own mouth!
Just know that this kid really does need to know he or she is loved. No matter how belligerent, hateful, or obnoxious they seem, they just want to know they are loved.
Oh...and if the clothing your child wants to wear is REALLY detrimental to your health...lol...then by all means stop buying them those clothes! It's that simple! lol. Set boundaries, and understand that as your child matures, you must re-examine those boundaries and adjust them.
Danny has finally settled in and down. He was getting D's in school and brought those grades up to A's, B's and C's. He has found fulfillment in a variety of activities. He is on his way to having a good life! And watching him grow, and mature, and become the good man I know he is going to be, has given ME a second chance at being a Mom!
CaveDweller
If you want to post a comment for her or have a general question about achieving the kind of success she has had, just hit the comment button at the bottom of the message. We will make her aware of your question and she will respond to you shortly.
Part III - Notice, No Failure
And thankfully, the court system had ordered counseling for Danny and for us as a family. Without that, I don't think we would have survived. We were taught that Danny had to learn to live by our rules. Not the other way around. Of course, we had to change some of our rules to fit his needs, too.
Through the counseling, and getting him into church, and learning to set realistic goals for him and us, following through with consequences, and learning to praise him often for even the smallest "good" things, and many, many, many hugs, he is emerging from his wounded, therefore obstinate, argumentative and restless self, into a kid whocares about his future, and who seems to love us once again.
If I could only give one word of advice, it would be to stay consistent!! Put your house rules and the consequences for breaking those rules in writing. Tape them to back of your child's bedroom door. Have them read them, and sign them! And do not soften the consequences when a rule is broken. Follow through!!
Try to remain calm and keep your tone of voice low when you must enforce a consequence. DO NOT ARGUE! One of the first house rules should be that if you walk away, your teen is NOT to follow you. If they do, they will immediately lose a valued privilege such as cell phone, Xbox, car, TV, etc.
If you do not take away privileges as consequences, you may as well just give up. You can't reach kids through reason, nor can you reach them by playing a "sympathy" card.Most teens have no sympathy for adults. They do not gain a sense of empathy until much later.
One last thing...NEVER make your child do something that you, yourself will not do. And set an example for what you want your kid to be. If you don't want him to smoke or drink, then don't do it yourself! If you don't want him to use bad language, thenwatch your own mouth!
Just know that this kid really does need to know he or she is loved. No matter how belligerent, hateful, or obnoxious they seem, they just want to know they are loved.
Oh...and if the clothing your child wants to wear is REALLY detrimental to your health...lol...then by all means stop buying them those clothes! It's that simple! lol. Set boundaries, and understand that as your child matures, you must re-examine those boundaries and adjust them.
Danny has finally settled in and down. He was getting D's in school and brought those grades up to A's, B's and C's. He has found fulfillment in a variety of activities. He is on his way to having a good life! And watching him grow, and mature, and become the good man I know he is going to be, has given ME a second chance at being a Mom!
CaveDweller
Monday, July 23, 2007
No Matter What
What follows is the second installment of our on-line contributor, "Cave Dweller". Be sure and read the previous entry if you missed it last week.
It is becoming more and more common for grandparents to be raising their children's children. Couples who thought their child raising days were over find themselves back at parent- teacher conferences, soccer games and birthday parties. Many of these children assimilate well. Others have been so wounded and bruised by their prior circumstances that they need more than just a willing family member. Structure, expectations, boundaries and discipline are not easily accepted. Patterns and imprinting are often hard to change. These children and teens self-destruct, even with the love and support of their grandparents. That is what makes Cave Dwellers insight and experience so important. She is succeeding.
If you want to see more of her observations and comments (and our responses), read through "The Care and Feeding of Teenagers" Blog Archives. It is a testament to the love of family.
Part II - No Matter What
Danny had grown used to his rare visits with us being all about fun and games, and good times. That's what Grandparents do!
Now suddenly we were thrust into the roles of being his Parental Figures. We were setting rules, and enforcing them. And at this same time, his 12 year old hormones and natural urge to "govern" himself were kicking in. He had pretty much raised himself all those years he had been with his mother. Now all of a sudden, he had people controlling him. And he didn't like it!
And here we were, just beginning to enjoy our peace and quiet, our ability to pack a bag and take off anyplace we wanted, anytime we wanted. We had just settled into the quiet and peaceful lives we had looked forward to since our kids married and left home.
Suddenly, we were dealing with a child who had not had any boundaries, and was resenting the boundaries we placed on him. We were dealing with yelling matches, fists through walls, foul language, and in-our-face hostility.
Dealing with this from a total stranger is painful enough. But dealing with it from a child you love deeply, is beyond comprehension. I had melt downs. Many of them. And to be honest, we resented that we had been put into this situation.
And it was hard to understand how this child who we had given up so much for, could be so ungrateful! What we didn't recognize was that he was venting his anger on us, because we were "safe." We would not hurt him. He knew that deep in his heart. He knew that we would take care of him, no matter what...
It is becoming more and more common for grandparents to be raising their children's children. Couples who thought their child raising days were over find themselves back at parent- teacher conferences, soccer games and birthday parties. Many of these children assimilate well. Others have been so wounded and bruised by their prior circumstances that they need more than just a willing family member. Structure, expectations, boundaries and discipline are not easily accepted. Patterns and imprinting are often hard to change. These children and teens self-destruct, even with the love and support of their grandparents. That is what makes Cave Dwellers insight and experience so important. She is succeeding.
If you want to see more of her observations and comments (and our responses), read through "The Care and Feeding of Teenagers" Blog Archives. It is a testament to the love of family.
Part II - No Matter What
Danny had grown used to his rare visits with us being all about fun and games, and good times. That's what Grandparents do!
Now suddenly we were thrust into the roles of being his Parental Figures. We were setting rules, and enforcing them. And at this same time, his 12 year old hormones and natural urge to "govern" himself were kicking in. He had pretty much raised himself all those years he had been with his mother. Now all of a sudden, he had people controlling him. And he didn't like it!
And here we were, just beginning to enjoy our peace and quiet, our ability to pack a bag and take off anyplace we wanted, anytime we wanted. We had just settled into the quiet and peaceful lives we had looked forward to since our kids married and left home.
Suddenly, we were dealing with a child who had not had any boundaries, and was resenting the boundaries we placed on him. We were dealing with yelling matches, fists through walls, foul language, and in-our-face hostility.
Dealing with this from a total stranger is painful enough. But dealing with it from a child you love deeply, is beyond comprehension. I had melt downs. Many of them. And to be honest, we resented that we had been put into this situation.
And it was hard to understand how this child who we had given up so much for, could be so ungrateful! What we didn't recognize was that he was venting his anger on us, because we were "safe." We would not hurt him. He knew that deep in his heart. He knew that we would take care of him, no matter what...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Failure Notice
Those of you who read the comments section of the blog are familiar with CaveDweller. She has shared information with our readers during the last few months about the difficult task of being a grandparent who is trying to raise a teenaged grandson. She has persevered and has had positive results, which we thought might be encouraging to anyone facing the same obstacles.
Because of its length, we are publishing her story in three parts.
Failure Notice:
Part I - Danny
Two-and-a-half years ago our then 12 year old Grandson, known from this point as "Danny," came to live with my husband and myself. He had been exposed to things no child should ever be exposed to. He called me in January, on my deceased Mother's birthday. At the first sound of his voice, I knew he was frightened.
I don't know if it was something in the sound of his voice, or just my "Grandmother's instinct." I had a very special bond with this grandchild from the beginning. It had nothing to do with his being my first grandchild. It had everything to do with my having custody of him for the very first year of his life.
My son and his first wife were not mentally capable of being parents. They were both unstable due to brain injuries they had suffered before they met. Danny's mother admitted to shaking him. I received custody of him. But the main objective in these situations, is to council and train the parents through "parenting" classes and then to place the child back with its parents in as short a time as possible.
My husband and I were unfamiliar with the court system and did not understand that we needed to file for permanent custody. So at the end of 1 year, Danny was given back to his mother (she and our son had since divorced), because she had completed her "Parenting Classes."
Needless to say, we saw little of Danny after that. A weekend here, a day there, etc. We stayed alert to any evidence of his being mistreated, but slowly concluded that his mother seemed to be doing a good job. At least it appeared that way....
We have gone back in time in our minds, over and over again, and tried to see what we missed. But we never saw anything out of the ordinary with him. NOTHING!
Now back to the day Danny called...He was unusually quiet on the phone. I thought I heard him whimper. It took a bit of coaxing, but he finally told me his mother had slapped him. That he was afraid his stepfather was going to start hitting him. He told me he could do nothing to please them. And that he was tired of always being alone.
He told me many things that day. In order to keep this from becoming a book, I will just say that Danny was due at his dad's(my son) the following weekend (his call was on a Tuesday). I called DHS and they made a visit to his school to interview him, and when he came to his dad's, through an attorney we filed the legal papers to keep him until custody could be determined by the courts.
During all the many court appearances, it was revealed by Danny that he had been sexually abused by a member of his mother's family since the age of 4 or 5. And she had done nothing to stop it. Custody was given to my son, Danny's dad, and he in turn signed legal documents allowing him to remain with my husband and myself as full legal guardians. Happy ending, right??? No...not then...not for a very long time....
Because of its length, we are publishing her story in three parts.
Failure Notice:
Part I - Danny
Two-and-a-half years ago our then 12 year old Grandson, known from this point as "Danny," came to live with my husband and myself. He had been exposed to things no child should ever be exposed to. He called me in January, on my deceased Mother's birthday. At the first sound of his voice, I knew he was frightened.
I don't know if it was something in the sound of his voice, or just my "Grandmother's instinct." I had a very special bond with this grandchild from the beginning. It had nothing to do with his being my first grandchild. It had everything to do with my having custody of him for the very first year of his life.
My son and his first wife were not mentally capable of being parents. They were both unstable due to brain injuries they had suffered before they met. Danny's mother admitted to shaking him. I received custody of him. But the main objective in these situations, is to council and train the parents through "parenting" classes and then to place the child back with its parents in as short a time as possible.
My husband and I were unfamiliar with the court system and did not understand that we needed to file for permanent custody. So at the end of 1 year, Danny was given back to his mother (she and our son had since divorced), because she had completed her "Parenting Classes."
Needless to say, we saw little of Danny after that. A weekend here, a day there, etc. We stayed alert to any evidence of his being mistreated, but slowly concluded that his mother seemed to be doing a good job. At least it appeared that way....
We have gone back in time in our minds, over and over again, and tried to see what we missed. But we never saw anything out of the ordinary with him. NOTHING!
Now back to the day Danny called...He was unusually quiet on the phone. I thought I heard him whimper. It took a bit of coaxing, but he finally told me his mother had slapped him. That he was afraid his stepfather was going to start hitting him. He told me he could do nothing to please them. And that he was tired of always being alone.
He told me many things that day. In order to keep this from becoming a book, I will just say that Danny was due at his dad's(my son) the following weekend (his call was on a Tuesday). I called DHS and they made a visit to his school to interview him, and when he came to his dad's, through an attorney we filed the legal papers to keep him until custody could be determined by the courts.
During all the many court appearances, it was revealed by Danny that he had been sexually abused by a member of his mother's family since the age of 4 or 5. And she had done nothing to stop it. Custody was given to my son, Danny's dad, and he in turn signed legal documents allowing him to remain with my husband and myself as full legal guardians. Happy ending, right??? No...not then...not for a very long time....
Monday, July 16, 2007
A, B or C?
ABCAABCABCAABCACABC
I was surfing the Web and found this interesting quiz regarding how well we know our teenager. It is from Charlene Gianetti and Margaret Sagarese, authors of Parenting 911. I took it on-line, trying to answer overall as a former parent of 4 teenagers. The responses are interesting, but also recognizing and personally applying the questions is revealing too.
You catch your teenager in a lie -- it turns out she wasn't where she said she was going. You find your son did something you never thought he'd do. Can any teenager be trusted? Can yours? Take the quiz below to see how well you really know your kids -- their fears, friends and potential foibles.
1.My teenager's most pressing worry is:
A. An upcoming test or getting a date for something or other.
B. His curfew/ He argues it is too early.
C. I'll have to think about that one -- I'm not sure what's on my teen's mind these days.
2. When was the last time your teenager told you a secret about a friend that the friend's parents would find disconcerting?
A. When it comes to my teens friends, mum's the word.
B..Recently, I learned that one of my teen's friends is sexually active.
C.I confess that I haven't spent much time talking with my teenager lately.
3. Can you name your teenager's favorite pop, rap or rock star?
A.I'd like to know the answer to that, but my child always listens to her music with headphones.
B. Yes, I know who my teen idolizes.
C.My parents never listened to my music when I was a teenager and now I know why -- because I can't bear listening to the music my teen prefers either.
4. In your opinion, can any adolescent be trusted?
A. Most of the time, but not always.
B. Absolutely, being trustworthy and making mistakes are two different issues, and teens are capapble of both.
C. No -- their hormones program them to take dangerous risks and have dangerous liaisons.
5. What does your teenager do during study hall?
A. I don't know -- study I guess .
B.Different things -- some studying, some homework, some socializing and some non-school-related reading.
C. Good question. I am afraid to know the answer.
6. Where do you stand on R-rated movies?
A..Are you kidding? Between the trash on TV and the trash in the theaters, it's virtually impossible to shelter my teen from R-rated content.
B. I have allowed my teen to see a few after previewing them and deciding they were okay.
C. I keep an eye out here at home, but I don't know what my teen watches at friends' homes.
7. Some girls have been known to change into sexier clothes and apply makeup the minute they are out of the house. Could this be your daughter?
A. No, I do the laundry and I know her clothes
B.Could be -- we've had fights about skimpy tops, tight pants and overdone makeup in the past.
C. I don't think so, but with sleepovers and all I don't always see what my child looks like.
8. Your son comes home from a party smelling of cigarette smoke. What do you do?
A. Assume nothing because cigarette smoke clings to anyone who walks through it.
B. Make a mental note to ask about the smoking habits of her friends.
C. Know in your gut your child is smoking cigarettes even though you have asked in the past and she denied it.
9. Do you know if your child receives a school detention, a late slip or a notice to retake a test?
A. I think so. Unless he hides the information from me.
B. Yes
C. No.
10. How much experience sexually do you think your teen has had?
A. I have tried to talk to my teen about sex but she runs away with her hands over her ears.
B. I have talked to my teenager about self worth and respecting herself.
C..I can't deal with even thinking about it.
11. Are you familiar with the peer, teacher or adult your child admires most?
A. Now you have really piqued my curiosity -- I'd like to know the answer to that.
B. Yes, my teen has shared his most admired person with me.
C. I am not aware that she admires anyone in particular.
12. How does your adolescent feel when she hears about school shootings?
A. My adolescent doesn't often share her thoughts with me on anything, but I imagine she is nervous .
B. My teen is concerned and often identifies troubled classmates at school.
C. My teen and I have not discussed this.
If you were mostly A
Teenager is like a mystery. The questions tickled your curiosity about your child and raised some interesting issues, but you are too often clueless or uncertain what goes on in the mind of your teen. Chances are that you have tried to get closer or talk to your child, but have been rebuffed. Teens do need a private life and do tend to shut parents out from time to time. And yet you have to find a better strategy for getting inside the head of your own child. Don't give up so easily and don't settle for not knowing the answers to the questions that are on your mind. Why? Because the things you worry about are on your teen's mind too, even if it's hard to trade information. Spend more time with your teen. Tuck her in at night and get a confidential rapport started. No Mysteries in Your House!
If you were mostly B
Give yourself a big pat on the back. Teenagers are not the easiest folks to get close to -- and you have done it. Adolescents tend to keep secrets, and furthermore, many don't open up even when parents try to discuss sensitive issues. You do not worry about your child because you know what is on her mind, what is on her plate from day to day and who is in her thoughts. The more a parent and a teenager can exchange confidences and the small details of everyday life, the closer the bond. This gives parents the opportunity to inject their values and gives the teen the opportunity to learn from their parent.
If you were mostly C
You do not know your teenager very well because your relationship appears to fall short in intimacy. It looks as if you and your teenager are not trading confidential information. Nor are you and your child in sync most of the time about the details and happenings of daily life. In all likelihood, your life is so busy that you have dropped the ball about what's going on with your child. Add to that a teenager's natural reluctance to share secrets (or detention slips) with a parent and what you get is family members leading separate lives. This is not good. You need to have more than suspicions and worry where your teenager is concerned. The best way to get to know a child is to listen to music together, review movies (maybe even an R-rated one) and talk about friends and issues that are on a child's mind. Right now, your teen needs you more than you think she does.
I was surfing the Web and found this interesting quiz regarding how well we know our teenager. It is from Charlene Gianetti and Margaret Sagarese, authors of Parenting 911. I took it on-line, trying to answer overall as a former parent of 4 teenagers. The responses are interesting, but also recognizing and personally applying the questions is revealing too.
You catch your teenager in a lie -- it turns out she wasn't where she said she was going. You find your son did something you never thought he'd do. Can any teenager be trusted? Can yours? Take the quiz below to see how well you really know your kids -- their fears, friends and potential foibles.
1.My teenager's most pressing worry is:
A. An upcoming test or getting a date for something or other.
B. His curfew/ He argues it is too early.
C. I'll have to think about that one -- I'm not sure what's on my teen's mind these days.
2. When was the last time your teenager told you a secret about a friend that the friend's parents would find disconcerting?
A. When it comes to my teens friends, mum's the word.
B..Recently, I learned that one of my teen's friends is sexually active.
C.I confess that I haven't spent much time talking with my teenager lately.
3. Can you name your teenager's favorite pop, rap or rock star?
A.I'd like to know the answer to that, but my child always listens to her music with headphones.
B. Yes, I know who my teen idolizes.
C.My parents never listened to my music when I was a teenager and now I know why -- because I can't bear listening to the music my teen prefers either.
4. In your opinion, can any adolescent be trusted?
A. Most of the time, but not always.
B. Absolutely, being trustworthy and making mistakes are two different issues, and teens are capapble of both.
C. No -- their hormones program them to take dangerous risks and have dangerous liaisons.
5. What does your teenager do during study hall?
A. I don't know -- study I guess .
B.Different things -- some studying, some homework, some socializing and some non-school-related reading.
C. Good question. I am afraid to know the answer.
6. Where do you stand on R-rated movies?
A..Are you kidding? Between the trash on TV and the trash in the theaters, it's virtually impossible to shelter my teen from R-rated content.
B. I have allowed my teen to see a few after previewing them and deciding they were okay.
C. I keep an eye out here at home, but I don't know what my teen watches at friends' homes.
7. Some girls have been known to change into sexier clothes and apply makeup the minute they are out of the house. Could this be your daughter?
A. No, I do the laundry and I know her clothes
B.Could be -- we've had fights about skimpy tops, tight pants and overdone makeup in the past.
C. I don't think so, but with sleepovers and all I don't always see what my child looks like.
8. Your son comes home from a party smelling of cigarette smoke. What do you do?
A. Assume nothing because cigarette smoke clings to anyone who walks through it.
B. Make a mental note to ask about the smoking habits of her friends.
C. Know in your gut your child is smoking cigarettes even though you have asked in the past and she denied it.
9. Do you know if your child receives a school detention, a late slip or a notice to retake a test?
A. I think so. Unless he hides the information from me.
B. Yes
C. No.
10. How much experience sexually do you think your teen has had?
A. I have tried to talk to my teen about sex but she runs away with her hands over her ears.
B. I have talked to my teenager about self worth and respecting herself.
C..I can't deal with even thinking about it.
11. Are you familiar with the peer, teacher or adult your child admires most?
A. Now you have really piqued my curiosity -- I'd like to know the answer to that.
B. Yes, my teen has shared his most admired person with me.
C. I am not aware that she admires anyone in particular.
12. How does your adolescent feel when she hears about school shootings?
A. My adolescent doesn't often share her thoughts with me on anything, but I imagine she is nervous .
B. My teen is concerned and often identifies troubled classmates at school.
C. My teen and I have not discussed this.
If you were mostly A
Teenager is like a mystery. The questions tickled your curiosity about your child and raised some interesting issues, but you are too often clueless or uncertain what goes on in the mind of your teen. Chances are that you have tried to get closer or talk to your child, but have been rebuffed. Teens do need a private life and do tend to shut parents out from time to time. And yet you have to find a better strategy for getting inside the head of your own child. Don't give up so easily and don't settle for not knowing the answers to the questions that are on your mind. Why? Because the things you worry about are on your teen's mind too, even if it's hard to trade information. Spend more time with your teen. Tuck her in at night and get a confidential rapport started. No Mysteries in Your House!
If you were mostly B
Give yourself a big pat on the back. Teenagers are not the easiest folks to get close to -- and you have done it. Adolescents tend to keep secrets, and furthermore, many don't open up even when parents try to discuss sensitive issues. You do not worry about your child because you know what is on her mind, what is on her plate from day to day and who is in her thoughts. The more a parent and a teenager can exchange confidences and the small details of everyday life, the closer the bond. This gives parents the opportunity to inject their values and gives the teen the opportunity to learn from their parent.
If you were mostly C
You do not know your teenager very well because your relationship appears to fall short in intimacy. It looks as if you and your teenager are not trading confidential information. Nor are you and your child in sync most of the time about the details and happenings of daily life. In all likelihood, your life is so busy that you have dropped the ball about what's going on with your child. Add to that a teenager's natural reluctance to share secrets (or detention slips) with a parent and what you get is family members leading separate lives. This is not good. You need to have more than suspicions and worry where your teenager is concerned. The best way to get to know a child is to listen to music together, review movies (maybe even an R-rated one) and talk about friends and issues that are on a child's mind. Right now, your teen needs you more than you think she does.
I take any quiz like this with a grain of salt but they are sometimes helpful for another perspective. Have a great week and enjoy the sunshine.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The History Teacher
Bear with me...
The History Teacher
Trying to protect his students' innocence
he told them the Ice Age was really just
the Chilly Age, a period of a million years
when everyone had to wear sweaters.
And the Stone Age became the Gravel Age,
named after the long driveways of the time.
The Spanish Inquisition was nothing more
than an outbreak of questions such as
"How far is it from here to Madrid?"
"What do you call a matador's hat?"
The War of the Roses took place in a garden,
and the Enola Gay dropped one tiny atom
on Japan.
The children would leave his classroom
for the playground to torment the weak
and the smart,
mussing up their hair and breaking their glasses,
while he gathered up his notes and walked home
past flower beds and white picket fences,
wondering if they would believe that soldiers
in the Boer War told long, rambling stories
designed to make the enemy nod off.
by Billy Collins (born 1941)
Maybe I have an odd sense of humor, but I find this poem hysterically funny. It makes me wonder if Billy Collins might have been a history teacher at one time.
I would not have come across this poem if my son had not shown it to me in his English literature book for his college class. He had to write an essay about the poem's imagery and symbolism. I knew I had to write a blog about its latent meaning for parents.
You see, what I glean from the poem is that even though we try to protect our children by glossing over the bad parts of life and hiding behind our picket fences and nice flower beds, they can still fall prey to the darker side of human nature. Despite all our best efforts, they still learn how to beat other kids up, succumb to human impulses, drink or take drugs, and surely often miss the deeper meaning of all the lessons their parents and teachers are trying to impart, at least until they have a little more of their own history behind them.
But, we keep on, and will keep on, trying to protect them from the harsh realities of, among other things, the inevitability of climate change and overzealous religion and nuclear war.
The great thing about history, though, is that, unlike the past, tomorrow is a new day. Its history is as of yet unwritten. There is another opportunity to make our personal histories right; another day to assuage old histories with our children or build new ones. Another day to make our family histories full of humor and laughter, just like The History Teacher.
The History Teacher
Trying to protect his students' innocence
he told them the Ice Age was really just
the Chilly Age, a period of a million years
when everyone had to wear sweaters.
And the Stone Age became the Gravel Age,
named after the long driveways of the time.
The Spanish Inquisition was nothing more
than an outbreak of questions such as
"How far is it from here to Madrid?"
"What do you call a matador's hat?"
The War of the Roses took place in a garden,
and the Enola Gay dropped one tiny atom
on Japan.
The children would leave his classroom
for the playground to torment the weak
and the smart,
mussing up their hair and breaking their glasses,
while he gathered up his notes and walked home
past flower beds and white picket fences,
wondering if they would believe that soldiers
in the Boer War told long, rambling stories
designed to make the enemy nod off.
by Billy Collins (born 1941)
Maybe I have an odd sense of humor, but I find this poem hysterically funny. It makes me wonder if Billy Collins might have been a history teacher at one time.
I would not have come across this poem if my son had not shown it to me in his English literature book for his college class. He had to write an essay about the poem's imagery and symbolism. I knew I had to write a blog about its latent meaning for parents.
You see, what I glean from the poem is that even though we try to protect our children by glossing over the bad parts of life and hiding behind our picket fences and nice flower beds, they can still fall prey to the darker side of human nature. Despite all our best efforts, they still learn how to beat other kids up, succumb to human impulses, drink or take drugs, and surely often miss the deeper meaning of all the lessons their parents and teachers are trying to impart, at least until they have a little more of their own history behind them.
But, we keep on, and will keep on, trying to protect them from the harsh realities of, among other things, the inevitability of climate change and overzealous religion and nuclear war.
The great thing about history, though, is that, unlike the past, tomorrow is a new day. Its history is as of yet unwritten. There is another opportunity to make our personal histories right; another day to assuage old histories with our children or build new ones. Another day to make our family histories full of humor and laughter, just like The History Teacher.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Time Management
With four children, we had to be really organized. Clothes for school were always laid out the night before. Lunches were packed and lined up in the fridge according to sandwich preferences. Homework, notes and other school paraphernalia was loaded in backpacks and placed by the door. I could not go to bed at night if I did not have breakfast figured out. With so many, it was hectic enough in the morning. Being relatively prepared for the day helped create a more positive send off and less angst as everyone left for school. My children may not have appreciated the calm, but I did.
This was not a Von Trapp Family household. The Wagner Darlings did not stand at attention, waiting for inspection. I usually had to bring school clothes downstairs for the younger two so they could watch cartoons while they dressed. Breakfast was often eaten in the car by big sister because her hair was "wacko" and time management had gone out the window. A current event required the newspaper and scissors. (As an aside, where DO scissors go?) One child or another's soccer shorts were still in the dirty clothes hamper. You know. You've been there. The phone was ringing. The dog wanted out. The cat wanted in.
All I am saying is that it is hectic enough in a family to not at least try for some simple organization. As a Sunday School teacher I remember one 12 year old who came to class every week with swollen eyes and rather unkempt hair. There were four girls in her family and it seemed they slept too late and then went into crisis mode to get ready for church. There was lots of drama as four beautiful young girls competed for showers, mirrors and Mom. One time, Okay. Then, fix the situation. This child was miserable by the time she got to my class. Her head was not into whatever lesson was the order of the day. She would have even been better served with a leisurely Sunday morning at home than just "getting there" with tears and resentments.
Need to turn over a new leaf? First organize yourself. Clean corners, closets and cabinets. Be on time. Plan a normal day so there is time to get everything accomplished. Neat and Tidy may seem like a cliche but it surely feels more positive than musty and messy. Let your kids see that there is pleasure in order. If you thrive on the stress and the drama, perhaps re access why. If mayhem and bedlam is your family creed, think about changing it.
Say your car is a pit with squashed french fries, unsorted mail and that glue gun you have never taken out of the back seat. (This is what is in mine as we speak). Make a habit of not eating in the car (oh all right, cleaning up what spilled when you get out), carrying packages and mail in and taking trash straight to the garbage can. Keep a package of dollar store wet wipes in the glove compartment and give a swipe to the dash and console at a red light. Isn't that satisfying to get into a clean car? Now, every time someone else rides with you, their abandoned Doritos sack will be obvious and obtrusive. The vehicle is nicer to ride in and by your example, your kids and your carpool learn respect and responsibility.
So, the adults first get organized, then model for the kids. It's easier to preach clothes off the floor, laundry put away, homework completed, dishes loaded and not left in the sink....(whatever is the bailiwick at your house) , if you are leading by example. No more excuses. Get organized! Now excuse me. I have got to go dig stale french fries and 1 tube of melted Estee Lauder Passion Fruit out of my back seat.
This was not a Von Trapp Family household. The Wagner Darlings did not stand at attention, waiting for inspection. I usually had to bring school clothes downstairs for the younger two so they could watch cartoons while they dressed. Breakfast was often eaten in the car by big sister because her hair was "wacko" and time management had gone out the window. A current event required the newspaper and scissors. (As an aside, where DO scissors go?) One child or another's soccer shorts were still in the dirty clothes hamper. You know. You've been there. The phone was ringing. The dog wanted out. The cat wanted in.
All I am saying is that it is hectic enough in a family to not at least try for some simple organization. As a Sunday School teacher I remember one 12 year old who came to class every week with swollen eyes and rather unkempt hair. There were four girls in her family and it seemed they slept too late and then went into crisis mode to get ready for church. There was lots of drama as four beautiful young girls competed for showers, mirrors and Mom. One time, Okay. Then, fix the situation. This child was miserable by the time she got to my class. Her head was not into whatever lesson was the order of the day. She would have even been better served with a leisurely Sunday morning at home than just "getting there" with tears and resentments.
Need to turn over a new leaf? First organize yourself. Clean corners, closets and cabinets. Be on time. Plan a normal day so there is time to get everything accomplished. Neat and Tidy may seem like a cliche but it surely feels more positive than musty and messy. Let your kids see that there is pleasure in order. If you thrive on the stress and the drama, perhaps re access why. If mayhem and bedlam is your family creed, think about changing it.
Say your car is a pit with squashed french fries, unsorted mail and that glue gun you have never taken out of the back seat. (This is what is in mine as we speak). Make a habit of not eating in the car (oh all right, cleaning up what spilled when you get out), carrying packages and mail in and taking trash straight to the garbage can. Keep a package of dollar store wet wipes in the glove compartment and give a swipe to the dash and console at a red light. Isn't that satisfying to get into a clean car? Now, every time someone else rides with you, their abandoned Doritos sack will be obvious and obtrusive. The vehicle is nicer to ride in and by your example, your kids and your carpool learn respect and responsibility.
Some Gentle Suggestions For A Family
1. Empty? Throw it away.
2. Open it? Close it.
3. Out of place? Put it back.
4. Spill it, drop it, track it? Clean it up.
5. Dirty? Start the cleaning process.
6. Unmade? Make it.
7. If it's full, bag it, dispose of it and start another.
8. Figure what is treasure and what is trash.
9. Plan Ahead.
10. Follow Through.
So, the adults first get organized, then model for the kids. It's easier to preach clothes off the floor, laundry put away, homework completed, dishes loaded and not left in the sink....(whatever is the bailiwick at your house) , if you are leading by example. No more excuses. Get organized! Now excuse me. I have got to go dig stale french fries and 1 tube of melted Estee Lauder Passion Fruit out of my back seat.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Children, pre-teens, teens and adults alike are eagerly awaiting this coming Wednesday's release of the new Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The ABC Family Network is running a Harry Potter marathon this weekend (July 6 - 8) in preparation for the new movie. Then two weeks from now the final chapter in the Harry Potter saga will be released, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Some people still look on Harry Potter with consternation, uneasy with the Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Magic. Afraid Harry might turn their child over to the dark side.
But, Harry Potter reflects the greatest in Celtic traditional lore, combining the stories of Tolkien, Lewis, Mallory, or further back into the oral traditions of England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.
People who deny Harry Potter gladly watch The Lord of the Rings, which makes no sense. Saying you will not watch or read Harry Potter makes about as much sense as refusing to say aloud the days of the week because they are all named for pagan gods and goddesses. What day is today, oh yeah, Saturday, named for the Roman god Saturn. If you have a Geo, Saturn, or Mercury, you might want to get a new car, as those are all pagan gods. And, please, do not ever go watch the ORU Titans, as they are named for the mythical race of giants in Greek mythology. And, what about our most religious Christian holiday, Easter, named for the German goddess of the earth? Someone rename that holiday and quickly!
If we really stopped to think about it, there are so many more threatening things we encounter and use on a daily basis than Harry Potter. Turn on your tv and you will know this immediately. But, the fact is that we rarely do stop to think about it critically.
Harry's is the fundamental tale of good versus evil. Professor Snape says to Harry in Order of the Phoenix, "You won't last two minutes if he invades your mind." Even a child can make the parallel, and yet time and again Harry defeats Voldemort.
And that is one of the huge attractors of the story for young people, that even a child can overcome and defeat evil. One of the great stories of Christendom is Jesus as a young teen at the temple with the money changers. It gives children hope that even a young person can do something great to effect positive change for good in the world.
Aside from a superior plot line, this is one of the great draws of Harry's story, too. We have relegated young people to a spot of infantilism in our culture. They have no literary heroes as a prototype for emerging adulthood as valuable as Harry Potter. He shows that even children can be leaders and a force for goodness, justice, right and ethical behavior in an often topsy-turvy, sinister adult world in which money and power are king and ethical boundary lines often become fuzzy at best.
A prototype for good is strongly needed for our nation's children. Just this week two incidents involving preteens illustrates that the problem is not limited to just preteens and teens any longer. Two 9 year old girls broke into a house and kidnapped a baby from its home. A 9 year old boy stole a car and stowed away on two airplanes before being caught. I am not saying Harry Potter is an answer, but reading, and reading alot, is. Literacy is the key and even the likes of Harry Potter can open the door.
Some people still look on Harry Potter with consternation, uneasy with the Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Magic. Afraid Harry might turn their child over to the dark side.
But, Harry Potter reflects the greatest in Celtic traditional lore, combining the stories of Tolkien, Lewis, Mallory, or further back into the oral traditions of England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.
People who deny Harry Potter gladly watch The Lord of the Rings, which makes no sense. Saying you will not watch or read Harry Potter makes about as much sense as refusing to say aloud the days of the week because they are all named for pagan gods and goddesses. What day is today, oh yeah, Saturday, named for the Roman god Saturn. If you have a Geo, Saturn, or Mercury, you might want to get a new car, as those are all pagan gods. And, please, do not ever go watch the ORU Titans, as they are named for the mythical race of giants in Greek mythology. And, what about our most religious Christian holiday, Easter, named for the German goddess of the earth? Someone rename that holiday and quickly!
If we really stopped to think about it, there are so many more threatening things we encounter and use on a daily basis than Harry Potter. Turn on your tv and you will know this immediately. But, the fact is that we rarely do stop to think about it critically.
Harry's is the fundamental tale of good versus evil. Professor Snape says to Harry in Order of the Phoenix, "You won't last two minutes if he invades your mind." Even a child can make the parallel, and yet time and again Harry defeats Voldemort.
And that is one of the huge attractors of the story for young people, that even a child can overcome and defeat evil. One of the great stories of Christendom is Jesus as a young teen at the temple with the money changers. It gives children hope that even a young person can do something great to effect positive change for good in the world.
Aside from a superior plot line, this is one of the great draws of Harry's story, too. We have relegated young people to a spot of infantilism in our culture. They have no literary heroes as a prototype for emerging adulthood as valuable as Harry Potter. He shows that even children can be leaders and a force for goodness, justice, right and ethical behavior in an often topsy-turvy, sinister adult world in which money and power are king and ethical boundary lines often become fuzzy at best.
A prototype for good is strongly needed for our nation's children. Just this week two incidents involving preteens illustrates that the problem is not limited to just preteens and teens any longer. Two 9 year old girls broke into a house and kidnapped a baby from its home. A 9 year old boy stole a car and stowed away on two airplanes before being caught. I am not saying Harry Potter is an answer, but reading, and reading alot, is. Literacy is the key and even the likes of Harry Potter can open the door.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Make It A Family 4th
On the 4th day of July in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, starting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation. As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and backyard barbecues across the country. In July 1776, the number of people living in the colonies was about 2 1/2 million.In July 2007, the population of the U.S. is almost 300 million. The 30,000 or so in this area of Oklahoma Green Country do our part to commemorate our forefather's sacrifice. With Ice Chests, Black Cats and softball games, we do our part.
Mel and I talk a great deal about traditions. We talk about traditions and how important they are in a family. Traditions and rituals of our personal family group that help children know who they are and where they came from. A tradition is a memory of times past, but if it is a good one, it should also be a future anticipation of times to come.
We are all getting ready for The 4th of July. It is truly a holiday celebrated by all Americans. Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Cinco De Mayo? These days are separated by our race or our religion. The 4th is a party all of us can sink their teeth into!
I have celebrated the 4th of July at the same place and in the same way since I was 8 years old. My children spent their first Independence Day and this upcoming one doing the same thing. Our holiday involves a parade, (where there are no spectators because everyone is in it); Uncle Sam leading everyone with a snare drum; theme based costumes, (this year's Oklahoma Centennial was a no-brainer, Sooners and Boomers with some dust bowl Okies thrown in and random Will Rogers and Bud Wilkinson impersonators); a 1 set only tennis tournament with no add and bonus points for crowd appeal and razzle-dazzle; a firework display after huge amounts of hamburgers and hot dogs; and a Ghost Hunt hosted by whoever can be roped into it this year. Children go off with their Dad's into the dark night with a guide spinning this year's tale of hermits in the woods, sea creatures in the river or aliens laying their pods in the bamboo thicket. Small children's screams can be heard all-over the grounds as college- agers jump out of somewhere in some sort of awful get-up.
We love the way we celebrate our 4th. You love the way you celebrate yours. If you are scratching your head and can't exactly identify a specific 4th of July tradition, now's a great time to start. Go to the Dollar Store and buy some American flags and other red white and blue decorations. Call the family or invite neighbors to your party. Ask them to each bring a covered dish and you'll cook the hamburgers. Set up a Badminton Net. Have silly prizes for the winners. Croquet is also fun and the competitors in your group woll surface very quickly!!
If you're at the lake, how about a fishing tournament with a time limit. A Swim Meet with silly relays and races. A No Talent talent show is hysterical. Drag the old ice cream freezer out and make homemade ice cream. Or just buy ice cream and make sundaes with all kinds of toppings. Let the kids decorate bikes and wagons with crepe paper and have a neighborhood parade. Here's a simple one. Just invite friends and family for a Watermelon Feed and all shoot fireworks together.
Life is passing by. Grab moments now and start making memories. If we don't, our children will be making those memories without us.
Mel and I talk a great deal about traditions. We talk about traditions and how important they are in a family. Traditions and rituals of our personal family group that help children know who they are and where they came from. A tradition is a memory of times past, but if it is a good one, it should also be a future anticipation of times to come.
We are all getting ready for The 4th of July. It is truly a holiday celebrated by all Americans. Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Cinco De Mayo? These days are separated by our race or our religion. The 4th is a party all of us can sink their teeth into!
I have celebrated the 4th of July at the same place and in the same way since I was 8 years old. My children spent their first Independence Day and this upcoming one doing the same thing. Our holiday involves a parade, (where there are no spectators because everyone is in it); Uncle Sam leading everyone with a snare drum; theme based costumes, (this year's Oklahoma Centennial was a no-brainer, Sooners and Boomers with some dust bowl Okies thrown in and random Will Rogers and Bud Wilkinson impersonators); a 1 set only tennis tournament with no add and bonus points for crowd appeal and razzle-dazzle; a firework display after huge amounts of hamburgers and hot dogs; and a Ghost Hunt hosted by whoever can be roped into it this year. Children go off with their Dad's into the dark night with a guide spinning this year's tale of hermits in the woods, sea creatures in the river or aliens laying their pods in the bamboo thicket. Small children's screams can be heard all-over the grounds as college- agers jump out of somewhere in some sort of awful get-up.
We love the way we celebrate our 4th. You love the way you celebrate yours. If you are scratching your head and can't exactly identify a specific 4th of July tradition, now's a great time to start. Go to the Dollar Store and buy some American flags and other red white and blue decorations. Call the family or invite neighbors to your party. Ask them to each bring a covered dish and you'll cook the hamburgers. Set up a Badminton Net. Have silly prizes for the winners. Croquet is also fun and the competitors in your group woll surface very quickly!!
If you're at the lake, how about a fishing tournament with a time limit. A Swim Meet with silly relays and races. A No Talent talent show is hysterical. Drag the old ice cream freezer out and make homemade ice cream. Or just buy ice cream and make sundaes with all kinds of toppings. Let the kids decorate bikes and wagons with crepe paper and have a neighborhood parade. Here's a simple one. Just invite friends and family for a Watermelon Feed and all shoot fireworks together.
Life is passing by. Grab moments now and start making memories. If we don't, our children will be making those memories without us.
Have a Yankee Doodle Dandy
4th of July
Everyone!
Melony and Chrissie
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