I Feel Your Pain

Everyone knows those intuitive people who seem to know how we are feeling. They say the right things. They make us feel better by how they react and by what their responses are. These folks don't think they have all the answers, they just know the right questions. You feel like they can be trusted and have your welfare at heart. It's easy to open up and share. Those parents trying to communicate with teenagers could take a cue from these emotional experts. Here are some tips to work on better relationships with our children.

Be Sensitive
These parents pick up cues from their teen and sense how the children are feeling. These parents listen and empathize. Notice that word that keeps cropping up-Listen. It's a good thing to remember.

Be Responsive
These parents respond in ways that fit their child's cues. If the teen is frightened, they comfort him. If he's intense, they calm him. If she's insecure, they reassure her. But they don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Their limits are clear and enforced.

Reciprocal
There is give-and-take in the relationship. The parent respects the child's emotions and teaches him to consider thoughtfully the emotions of others. Empathy is an important life skill for everyone. Self-centered and me centered is counter-productive to all.

Supportive and Encouraging
They understand that learning to manage one's emotions takes time and effort. They support and encourage their child as he practices self-control and common sense. Handling stress, heartaches and disappointments in a positive and constructive way is a goal for all of us.

You know the old adage, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results". If communication seems to have broken down in your home, identify what is definitely not working. Make a list and keep it handy. When an incident happens, examine the list and address a different way to handle the situation. This may seem simplistic but writing it down is a mechanical way that separates the emotions from the incident.

These simple actions enhance teen development, foster a positive sense of self-esteem, and, most important, keep you and yours talking. And that's a goal to work toward as a parent. It won't insure smooth sailing all the time, but communicating effectively makes those "teen" years a little less daunting. Chrissie

Volunteering Your Time

I would like to expand on Chrissie's last post about uniting the community through volunteerism. Volunteering our services to raise money is one way to contribute to education. Another way is to volunteer one's time directly in a school.

Last week the Shutterbug Club of Muskogee visited Benjamin Franklin Science Academy to donate a Cannon SureShot and to teach the students in the wildlife management class how to take nature photos. One way the camera will be used is to capture time lapsed photographs of the animals that frequent the outdoor classroom at the school. They have already tracked a bobcat that comes by every 48 days, according to BFSA teacher Julie Robinson, who received a grant that will tie the outdoor classroom to community gardening in Founders' Place Historical District, the neighborhood in which most of the school's students live.

Dr. David Jones, president of the Shutterbug Club, said that members regularly assist schools in photography education. They also sponsor community-based workshops, meetings and contests. There are about 38 members in the club. The Muskogee Phoenix just recently published the results of the Shutterbug's February photography contest. Who knows but that one of the middle school students in the wildlife management class might one day win 1st place in the photography contest because members of this club came to his/her school to teach photography and spurred a lifelong interest.

That's a picture that's worth more than a thousand words.
------Melony

And the Answer is What????

My husband and I attended The Muskogee Education Foundation 's Trivia Night last weekend. The foundation's purpose is to offer funding for hopes and dreams of educators with good ideas and innovative ways to teach Muskogee's students. Teachers present grant proposals and are chosen and announced in the spring. The grant applications are exciting to read and it is always difficult to choose the year's recipients. The best incorporate hands-on and interactive teaching that encourages critical thinking and problem solving.

Warren and I had both served on the Education Board and as with any non-profit, raising money to fund the program is a never ending task. In years past we had presented Peter Pan, complete with Foy and their patented fly system, The Beatles Tribute and 1964, and also funding with generous grants from businesses in the community.

This year's Trivia Night was a huge success. What made it so memorable to me was the participation of Muskogee Public Schools. Teachers worked the "Smart Board" and picked up answers from the tables. They sold "mulligans" and worked the floor. They helped with the silent auction and the dessert bidding. Administrators and teachers sponsored tables and competed in the trivia questions. Did they compete!!!! The original goal of the the Muskogee Education Foundation was a partnership between the community and the school. The strength of the program is not the individual grants awarded but the overall idea that Muskogee supports Education and Education supports Muskogee. Friday night, all the pieces fit.

The premise for the evening was a series of related questions, presented in 8 rounds, with each table combining together for the answers. My table was comprised of 2 physicians, 2 nurses, 1 dentist, 1 x teacher and 1 MBA. We did not totally humiliate ourselves but were sadly somewhere in the middle as far as correct answers. What my table lacked in knowledge, we made up with enthusiasm. It was so much fun. Here are a couple of questions that we missed.
(Space does not allow for all the missed questions)
1. Why did early sailors wear an earring? (It they were lost at sea, they would have something of value to pay their way to Paradise.)
2. Who said "Every time you close a school, you have to build another jail." (Mark Twain)
3. Where was the official 5 Civilized Tribes located? (Agency Hill)
4. What year was the City of Muskogee founded? (The answer can be found in front of the Civic Center)
5. Who sang "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am"? (Herman's Hermits or, Peter Blair Dennis Bernard Noone-We did get this one right- While at West Junior High, I was the proud president of Herman's fan club)

Congratulation to President, Kathy Coburn and the the Board of The Education Foundation of Muskogee. The night was a coming together of many with a single purpose. Supporting Education. A substantial amount of money was raised and a good time was had by all. Chrissie

Good Listening

Has your teenager ever tuned you out? You might also ask does Colonel Sanders sell chicken? It's the same scenario that plays out in millions of households every day...your teen's eyes glaze over and don't move from the computer or television screen even as you lecture about taking the dog out, or finishing homework or picking up his room. You sound like a broken record and your message is not getting through. We parents engage in one-way communication - too often. We have two ears and one mouth, so maybe that means listening twice as often as we speak with our teens.

One thing that may result in a communication breakdown is that parents and teens simply don't have enough time together. Rather than squeezing in more talk, perhaps try to expand time together; aim for connection so that two-way communication can unfold naturally. Then, remember to talk less and listen more.

Sometimes parents' bad habits inadvertently shut-down communication. Moralizing and advising are big turn-offs to teens, and parents are really good at that. By the teen years, (cross our fingers) morals have already been instilled. Rather than repeating them over and over again, ask open ended questions and listen to your teen's thoughts and viewpoints. Maybe ask "Why do you think she did that?" "How did that feel to you?" Make sure she knows that you are not going to judge her, so that she'll feel safe to share her thoughts.

There are times we need to get a point across and our teen isn't making it easy . Use humor or surprise him by behaving in a new way; sometimes one word is all that's needed to get a point across. If he drops his backpack in the middle of the kitchen floor for the umpteenth time you can simply say "Backpack!" and the point is made without adding negative energy or making him feel scolded. I might step over it and do a Jerry Lewis pratfall with a, "Oh, I didn't expect a backpack to be in the center of the floor!"

In order to talk less and listen more, we can focus on creating the opportunities for our teen to talk and share. The tough part to remember is to bite our tongue. Shhhh. Just going for that 2 to 1 ratio should make the communication dynamics between us and our offspring change, for the better. Happy Listening. Chrissie

Advice from Harvard

When Harvard University speaks, the world usually listens. Their Latin motto is VERITAS, after all, testifying to the fact that Harvard generally tries to get at and speak the truth.

A report called Raising Teens from the Harvard School of Public Health can be downloaded in a pdf file for parent use. It is full of common sense charts and suggestions that any parent would come up with, if only he/she had the time, resources, and energy to do the same research.

But, one particular piece of the report caught my eye in a chart under a section titled "Provide and Advocate." Aye, there's the rub, as Hamlet says. We can't all provide at the same level, nor are many parents able to advocate effectively for their children. Many parents break out in a cold sweat when they walk into a school, still suffering the after-effects of their own public school experience.

In high poverty areas, schools would do well to find ways to make Harvard's suggestions available for all parents, not just affluent ones, namely:

1. Network within the community. Most poor parents do not have an effective social networking means within the community to move beyond where they are. They can maintain, but getting their children help seems so insurmountable that adversarial relationships are often formed, preventing the very thing they want for their children. Schools should help parents - all of them - form network connections.

2. Make informed decisions. Nothing could be harder when you don't have all the information. According to the report, parents should make informed decisions about everything that affects their teen, from the school social climate to community cohesion and the match between the child's learning style and the school that best fits it. If only everyone had that option. Schools can help parents get that information, however, by sponsoring parent universities and sending home informational pamphlets from time-to-time.

3. Make similarly informed decisions about neighborhoods, community involvement and youth programs. Schools could join city neighborhood coalitions, especially in high poverty areas, forming alliances between neigborhoods and youth programs. Parents don't always have control over the neighborhood in which they must rent, but they can be helped in finding the best property they can afford within the best school district.

4. Arrange for preventative health care. Teens need their eyes checked, teeth cleaned, cavities filled. All parents should see to it that their children's health is maintained, but we know that is not the case. Schools cannot solve this one alone, but many have established health clinics on site.

5. Identify people and programs to inform you. Unfortunately, parents are often reticent to ask for help or don't know how. Again, schools can develop some public relations campaigns to help inform parents about topics as diverse as parenting challenges and how to handle them or the prescribed reading list for 10th grade. Leveling the parental competencies can help promote high expectations for all students and build a school culture in which all the participants can thrive.

For fear of being labeled a socialist, I do assert that we should not allow the government or any political institution to take over the raising of our children (as we have obviously been doing, anyway, with No Child Left Behind). But, isn't the point of public education to equalize the playing field through the dissemination of knowledge to all? Rather than continue the dumbing down process, it's time to start raising up the standard. Read Harvard's free download, Raising Teens, for more information.
-----------------Melony

Would You Like Fries With That?

Money is tight. Along with retirement funds, stocks portfolios and job opportunities, disposable incomes are shrinking. And no surprise. The needs and wants of a family are not. Along with the task of keeping your home life consistent, you may find there is pressure from your child to continue with life as he/she knows it. Teens consider cell phones, Internet, social activities, clothes and cars basic needs, not luxuries.

Understanding times are tight, your teen may be considering a job. The idea of a paycheck to supplement a shrinking allowance is tempting. "It will only be after school." "I'll get my homework done." "My grades won't suffer." "It will teach me responsibility." Sometimes this is true. Sometimes entering the work force as a teenager is not such a good idea.

A job is something that must be looked from all sides As a parent, how can you evaluate the pros vs/ the cons of a working teen? Below are some simple questions. Use them to help determine if your eager beaver is truly mature enough to handle both school and a job.

1. Does he/she get out of bed on their own and on time in the morning?
2. Does he/she say please and thank you?
3. Does he/she practice good hygiene? (without prodding)
4. Does he/she wear appropriate clothing? (this is not a fashion question, this is a common decency question)
5. Does he/she make appropriate and rational choices?
6. Does he/she own up to their mistakes?
7. Does he/she get along with adults and peers?
8. Does he/she follow projects and tasks through to completion?
9. Does he/she manage anger well or are they prone to temper tantrums?
10. Does he/she do their own laundry or iron their own shirt?
11. Does he/she handle criticism well?
12. Would you categorize your child as a worker or loafer?
(About.com)

(After reading the above list, I would have to say about 70 % of the under 18 work force would not pass the above test. )

Mel and I both believe that a high-schooler's most important job is their education. If you and your teen believe school and a job can be balanced successfully, great. Just remember, a minimum wage job now could result in a minimum wage job in the future if school, graduation and college are put on the back burner.

Sex...with Mom and Dad

Ok, if that title puts you off, it did me, too, at first, but it's the name of a tv series on MTV featuring Dr. Drew. A new season of the series is slated to begin on February 16. Here is the description from MTV's website:

"Sex may be everywhere in American media, but that doesn't mean American families
are talking about it. While most teens could learn a thing or two from talking
candidly with their parents about sex... and most parents would benefit greatly
from opening up about sex with their kids-- it's simply easier said than done.
Much, much easier. That is, until Sex ...with Mom and Dad.
In each half-hour
episode, Loveline's Sex and Relationship Expert Dr. Drew will help a teen and
their parents work through their problems about sex, dating and relationships.
Maybe a dad is worried that his daughter uses her sexuality to get attention; a
son is concerned that ever since he came out of the closet, his parents haven't
acted the same towards him; or a son's "ladies man" M.O. has mom worried that
sex, and the girls he sleeps with, mean nothing to him.
Whatever the issue,
Dr. Drew will get the family talking -- often for the very first time -- about
sex and intimate relationships. Initially, the family meets with him in a
neutral setting to get the conversation started and pinpoint the family's main
issue. At the end of the session, he'll send the family on their way with two
fun yet daunting tasks, tailored specifically to their issue, and designed to
get them to open up about their sexual beliefs and experiences. The journey ends
with a final therapy session with Dr. Drew, in which the family typically
realizes that while the journey was tough, in the end, they were ultimately able
to get to know each other and respect each other in a completely new and
different way. Shockingly frank, upbeat, and funny, Sex ..with Mom and Dad
proves that if families can talk about sex, they can talk about anything --
ultimately breaking down barriers and improving relationships in the process."

All in all, it looks like an informative series, especially if you are struggling to talk about sex with (to) your teen. Here is the link to the MTV web page where you can watch back episodes, if you haven't caught the show yet:

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/sexwithmomanddad/series.jhtml

---------------- Melony