Be Consistent

Do you sometimes feel like your teen doesn't listen to you? When you speak, does the message goes in one ear and out the other? One reason teenagers don't listen to us is that often we say one thing and mean another - or don't follow through on what we say. This simple concept is extremely important to keep in mind in any type of dealings with our teenagers. Inconsistency on our part is often the basis for our teen not listening, and is one of the main reasons that techniques we try do not work.

We dismiss adults who say one thing and do something else, so we cannot expect our teenagers to listen to us if we behave in the same way.

There are many ways parents are inconsistent and thereby confuse our kids. We are also teaching them to be manipulative or how to tune us out. Here's a few examples of those mixed signals we don't want to send but often do.

Empty Statements

If you don't straighten up in school, I am going to send you to boarding school.

I'll kill you if you don't stop bothering me.

If you and your brother don't stop fighting, I'm leaving home and never coming back.

I'm sure you could think of many other similar statements where parents say things they have no intention of carrying out. The adult knows this, but, more importantly, the child knows it too. Therefore, using threats like these will not stop the behavior and the child will continue the behavior you are trying to modify. Statements have to have meat and potatoes behind them.

Overstatements

Go to your room. You are punished until you are 18 years old.
You cannot talk on the phone for the entire school year.
You are grounded for a month.

Overstatements like these are also a major source of inconsistencies in families. Parents get angry and make a promise or threat they can never keep. Or they say or do something and then start feeling guilty. As the guilt increases, they may try to do something to undo the comment or reduce the punishment if the child shows appropriate behavior. However, in both instances, the child interprets the parents' behavior as saying, "Don't believe or listen to what I say because I don't really mean it."

Turning "No" to "Yes" and "Yes" to "No"
In this situation, we say one thing and does something else. Say your teenager asks to use the car and you say no. Precious does not accept this answer and starts to harass you. After a time you give in and let him use the car in order to end the argument and preserve your sanity. Here, the original no has been changed to yes.

The major point here is that a no has been changed to a yes, or vice versa - that a positive statement has become negative. Not only are we teaching our children not to listen to us when we respond in this fashion, but we are also showing them how to manipulate us. In other words, we are saying, "If I tell you something that you do not like, do this (complain, get me upset, argue) and I'll change my mind." Waffling is a poor parenting choice.

Consistency from Both Parents
The examples used all pertain to the need for consistency from each parent. In other words, both parents need to be very predictable in dealing with their teenager. If one tells a child that he cannot use the car until the room is clean, the child should be able to bet his life that the only way he is going to be able to drive the car is to clean his room.

Consistency must come from both mother and father as a unit. Each parent must mean what he or she says when dealing with the child, but they mu"t also support and back up one another. A child asks his mother, "Can I go to a concert tonight?" She says, "No." Then he asks his father the same question and gets a positive answer. His mother later asks him what he is doing and where he is going? "Why, going to the concert and that his father said he could." Mom then confronts Dad and an argument starts. In the meantime, son finishes getting dressed and goes merrily on his way.

Parents can create inconsistency by undermining each other and not presenting a unified approach to the child. By doing this, several things happen. First, the child learns to play one parent against the other and to manipulate them to get his way. Also, when one parent disciplines a child or makes a decision and the other contradicts the action, the first parent's authority is reduced and,consequently, the child views one parent as holding authority and may not listen to the other. In addition, this type of approach tends to identify one parent as the "bad guy" or the mean one, and the other as the "good guy" or benevolent one. If you happen to be the bad guy, look out! This type of inconsistency also produces arguing and fighting between parents.

Be consistent as a unit. If you disagree with your partner or another person who has a significant part in disciplining your child, it is best to support the other person in front of your child. Later, when your child is not around, discuss the situation and, more importantly, resolve it.

Environmental Consistency
So far, the discussion of consistency has related to how adults interact with teenagers. But is your child able to predict you? This type of consistency, called interpersonal consistency, is probably the most important type, and is essential for effective behavior management. In addition, consistency, structure, or routine in the environment sometimes reduce behavioral difficulties. For example, a child who has a set time to get off the phone will usually cause less trouble for the parent than one who is allowed to talk for different time lengths each night. A child who has a particular time to come home will often give the parent less trouble than one who does not. In general, environmental consistency - that is, consistency of routines -should be established in your home. (from Keys to Parenting Your Teenager by Don Fontenelle, Ph.D. Copyright 2000 by Barron's Educational Series, Inc.)

Consistency might seem like a minor concept but it is a major principle in behavior management. It serves as a foundation on which other techniques and methods are built. A good rule to keep in mind when interacting with your adolescent is this: Do not say anything you can't do or don't want to do, and do everything you say you are going to do. It's the follow through that helps us deal effectively with our child. chrissie