Do I Even Know You?

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

School is starting and 7:00 A.M. breakfast is always difficult to get going again. Here is an easy Smoothie Recipe that gets the little darlings off to a healthy and delicious start.

In a blender combine:

1 banana , a handful of blueberries, peaches, or strawberries (fresh or frozen) 1/2 cup vanilla greek yogurt , 2 tablespoons of honey, a few ice cubes and enough orange juice to get the mixture blending. Whir around until smooth. My kids like it thicker so I add a little more ice and if I remember, I throw the banana in the freezer the night before. If you have some sort of cereal similar to granola, it can be added to the top for a crunch. Any kind of nut can be added to the mix before blending and it adds a little protein and they will never even know it is in there. If there is time, enjoy together around the breakfast room table. (Yeah, right) Throw in a to-go cup and send them out the door. chrissie

Email Is for Old People

The "old people" doing educational research today are finding one startling fact - the world our students live in is changing more rapidly than ever before. Contrary to the past, when those born at the turn of the century had witnessed a tremendous industrial shift by the time they were 70 or 80, today's teenagers will witness an even greater technological shift before they are 25.

Think back to six or seven years ago when only a handful of teenagers had text messaging. Today the majority have cell phones, regardless of income level, and texting is quicker than email. Email, which used to be a popular way to communicate, has now given way to social networking sites via email, such as Facebook and Twitter, but straight out emailing is considered Old School.

Educational expert in brain research, Marcia Tate, cites recent medical studies that indicate the visual cortex of young people has changed. So the techno world of Gameboys, Playstations, and Wiis is changing the way students view the world...literally. Their visual cortex is thicker than ours, possibly indicating more activity in that area of the brain.

Harvard MBA Mark Prensky, who also holds a Masters in Teaching from Yale, paints a stark picture of the difference between the Digital Natives (young people who have grown up on video games and computer toys) and Digital Immigrants, we who have lived through the switch from black and white to color to high def TV, transistor radios, mono to stereo, eight tracks to cassettes to CDs to iPods, Beta or VHS to DVD and Blue Ray, Polaroids to digital photography. Hear what Prensky has to say in a 2009 lecture or visit his website to learn more:
http://www.marcprensky.com/speaking/default.asp

In short, the whole, huge world has been opened up by tiny nano-technology. How will we keep up and should we? As the ancient Greeks and Romans said, there is nothing pernament except change. It's intersting that the Latin quote "Tempora mutantur nos et mutamur in illis," or "The times change and we must change with them," is attributable to Lothair I, one of the Carolignian emperors living around 855 A.D., as people were just pulling away from the Dark Ages and beginning to understand again that education and reading are important.

So should we embrace this new type of teenager and this new, inevitable change? I say we are just waking up from a long Dark Age. It frightens me what might happen to civilization, but the possibilities for changing human existence and essential understandings for the good are exciting and staggering. To quote this geration's icon, Buzz Lightyear - "To infinity and beyond!" Let's just hope the elctricity doesn't go out.

.......Melony

Family Time

Do you sometimes feel like you are competing for your child's attention? Are you in competition with their friends, the media, the Internet, technology? Does your teen mumble something ineligible as he heads to his bedroom and closes the door? Is her daily life an unknown to you, her thoughts and feelings a mystery? Do you find yourself frustrated and concerned? Are you shaking your fist at the closed door and mentally thinking, "I want my child back!"

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is a new favorite of mine. My daughter introduced me to Shmuley's radio show and I am impressed by his common sense advise and mission to strengthen American families. On the subject of staying connected with our kids, he makes a great analogy. Parenting teens is like being a counselor at summer camp.

Shmuley explains; As a camp counselor, I kept my cabin out of trouble by keeping them occupied. I had to come up with wholesome activities so that the kids were never listless. The Talmud says that idleness breeds sinfulness; that when you have nothing to do, you do what you ought not to do. (Amen Rabbi!) I quickly discovered that it was only when my campers were bored that they were itching to raid the cabin next door in the middle of the night. But if I told them great nighttime stories, they lost all desire to fill the other campers' hair with toothpaste.

During the day I offered my campers sports and swimming, and at lunch and dinner they didn't just eat, they competed against each other in trivia and history quizzes. Throughout, my goal was to provide a healthy and engaging outlet that could channel the children's limitless energy.

Shmuley uses the same approach in parenting. (He has 8 children) Is the principal role of parenting a parent-as-nurturer, responsible for giving love and confidence; or parent -as- disciplinarian, responsible for instilling values and restraint?

He contends that both roles are subsumed under the rubric of the parent-as-camp-counselor, responsible for curbing a child's excesses through a respect for authority, but offering engaging activities to channel the child toward productive and purposeful goals. Shmuley believes in being a tough disciplinarian, but also recognizes that imposing restrictions without offering fun alternatives to errant behavior is unjust, as well as self-defeating, and is the key reason for child rebellion.

Another interesting insight is that too great an emphasis on friends is ultimately detrimental to a child's connection with siblings and parents. Shmuley states, "I have witnessed far too many examples of children's frenzied attachment to friends leading to a decentralized and dysfunctional family. Likewise, friendships open children to values and behavior that may be inimical to a parent's standards. But I recognize that I cannot curb my children's dependency on friendship without offering them a better alternative myself. I can only restrict them from hanging out with friends if I think that hanging out with me is going to be more exciting."

Now, this is a point of view I have never considered but find intriguing and possibly very valid. We cannot change something our teen is doing without offering something better. A positive and stimulating choice rather than an ultimatum.

The lesson here is for each of us to identify family passions. Identify family interests. Find a new dream shared by you and yours. Offer opportunities and time well spent to our family. Always wanted to rock climb? Sky Dive? Try Community Theatre? Noodle catfish? Paint? Travel? Race dirt bikes? Rodeo? Raise alpacas? Bake cupcakes? Bird Watch? Perform on U-Tube? Pan for gold?

Shmuley continues, "Once upon a time, children were filled with energy. Today, they seem almost lifeless. Go to any home and look closely at the teenage kids. You'll see that what they most want to do is to be left alone and head back to their rooms so that they can watch TV, get online or listen to music."

This observation by Shmuley struck a nerve. Is this the case in your home? I think it is the case in homes all over America.

"Our children are divorced from nature, the source of life, and the artifice is snuffing the life out of them. Almost everything about growing up these days, from video games to iPods to hanging out at the malls, is artificial and unnatural. Kids today have lost an appreciation for the serenity of a clear blue lake and the power of a flowing, whitewater river. They would rather go to a film than a mountain range, and would rather be in a mosh pit at a concert than a boat in an August sea."

Shmuley argues that America's youth need to be redirected and that redirection should be orchestrated by their parents. We need to offer opportunities. We need to offer adventures. We need to offer challenges. It's simple. Our children need activities and interests that help them "be all they can be" oh, and as a parent, "be all - with me!" Shalom. chrissie

Six Strategies for a Happier Teenager

Over the decades, Good Housekeeping has offered tips on everything from dealing with teething to taming spirited teens. Here, Good Housekeeping shares their wisdom, including stopping the back talk and talking so teens will listen.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#1. Set Clear Rules

Figure out what's most important to you (No put-downs? No muttering? No condescending gazes?) and announce the rules to all members of the family. Post them in the kitchen for future reference, if need be.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy

#2. Decide Not to Take It

Parents who refuse to tolerate rude behavior tend to have kids who - you guessed it - aren't rude. Dole out consequences.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#3. Don't Get Into the Act

Sure, it's tempting to toss back a zinger to show the offending child how it feels, but bite your tongue and set an excellent example instead. Don't stoop to their maturity level. Model adult behavior so your child will have something positive to emulate.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#1. Ask Questions

Ask questions rather than dictating solutions. For instance, try, "Do you think you'll be able to get the whole project done in two nights?"rather than, "You have to start your science project now?" Questions encourage kids to think for themselves (good thing) and give them the sense you trust them.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#2. Take a Collaborative Approach

Try the let's collaborate approach. Explain what you're worried about (maybe he's staying up too late) and say something like, "I've noticed you're having trouble getting up in the morning. What do you think would help you feel more rested?" Let him try his suggestions; then, if they don't work, share yours.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#3. Weave Advice into Everyday Conversations

A formal "Come here; we need to talk" approach usually doesn't work. Instead, catch kids when they're feeling chatty and pay attention to the times of day when they open up naturally - for some it's after school, for others it's before bed.

Good communication is one of the most important skills we can have as a parent. If you and your teen are seeming to not understand one another, try some of the tips above to reconnect and renew your relationship. Enjoy these last days of summer! Chrissie

Tally

I had a frantic call Sunday night from my daughter, Catherine. She had adopted a rescue puppy earlier this year. "Tally" was a pup of questionable lineage, debatable bloodlines and, shall we say, less than remarkable pedigree. This did not effect how Miss Tally saw herself. Tally didn't have a clue she was not Kennel Club material and her bearing was playful and proud. She held her own with Brody, the already in residence Jack Russell and accepted the adoration of her loyal subjects, Catherine and Caroline.

Tally was one of those lucky dogs that happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. She was abandoned, hungry and in immediate danger at a very busy intersection. Her future did not look bright. Enter caring friends who rescue dogs and give them a chance to find homes and people to love them. These caring friends found Catherine and Caroline. Tally found a home.

The 4th of July at the Wagner's cabin was a full house. Family, friends and three dogs. Champ, the wonder dog, a golden; Lola, the tomboy King Charles in a prissy body, and little Tally, who held her own with her well-bred cousins. She chased their balls, ate their food and broke all the house rules, with a smile on her tiny face. The carpet cleaner was out most of the weekend. She pranced on her leash, her tag and collar bigger than Tally was. Tally had a wonderful holiday. She was very patriotic.

Back to Catherine's call. Tally had been feeling poorly since last Wednesday. Under her vet's care, she was medicated, spoon fed and coddled. Tally did not get feeling better. Sunday evening, a trip was made to the emergency room (yes, they have those for pets) and tests were run. Catherine left Tally in the clinic for the night. Returning early yesterday morning, bad news. Little Tally had distemper. Contracted before she was adopted, the immunization had no effect.

Catherine and Caroline had to make the decision to put Tally down. She was so sick and their were no options for her recovery. It was a very sad morning.

As my family is want to do, we circle up. Catherine's sweet sister and I threw kids in the car and blasted to Oklahoma City. Nothing lightens the mood like the laughter of children. We shopped for Annebelle's school supplies. We tried on silly hats at the party store. We drank Icee's. Her brothers and sweet girlfriend, Ally, joined us for mexican food and positive energy. We arrived to swollen eyes and grieving hearts and hopefully left the girls with a renewed resolve and a realization they loved their pup enough to let her go.

Grief is a process, no matter who we say goodbye to. Time heals and hearts mend. I just wish I could have kept my daughter from the process. All I could do was support her and let her know I love her and am always there. Life happens. It is our job and our gift to make the journey easier for each other. No one should ever go through difficult times alone.

Goodbye little Tally. What a great life you had and what a lucky dog you were. You were loved. chrissie