It takes A Village

This week will be a short entry. I am too tired to type. Why? Well, you know those teenagers that I am always talking about? They grow up. They get married. They have children. These are your grandchildren. Your heart will grow three times its size the first time you see them through the glass in the hospital. Your life will never be the same.

Back to the tired part. My daughter and her husband take an annual trip to visit a childhood friend. They used to take their children with them. Now their children have school and activities and their own lives. It happens. Enter Oh-Mommy and An-Daddy.

I had four children. I packed countless lunches, helped with mountains of homework, ran thousands of carpools. It's just that I haven't done it in a while. I am out of practice. Well, resting on the used to do it laurels just wouldn't do. I had to jump in with both feet and do it all now.

And I am. My daughter has everything incredibly organized-lists, clothes tagged for each day, people to help-but two brown-eyed children with my DNA are counting on their grandfather and me to run their lives in a way that feels familiar and comforting. I remember a family member who would stay with us when my parents were out of town. She loved us but it was her way or the highway. The days without my parents felt foreign and unfamiliar. Children like familiar.

Today is my last day on duty. I am looking forward to my own bed without a three-year-old sleeping on my head. Can't wait to drink my coffee at 7:00 A.M. and not have to move quite so fast. It will be nice to watch the news instead of Dinosaur Train. But last night, after the 3rd bedtime story, my granddaughter, almost asleep, put her arms around me and said, " I don't want this to be your last night Oh-Mommy." And today, as I dropped my grandson off at pre-school, he turned around, shot me his huge grin, gave me a cavalier wave and said, "Goodbye Oh-Mommy. Don't forget I love you!!" .....and ran into his school, without me.

Your heart three times as big? Let me amend that. Make that four. Oh-Mommy. I mean Chrissie

Prepped and Ready For School

My granddaughter is in the first grade this year. The pattern of mornings and evenings has changed in her family. Now, not being "tardy", having homework completed, having lunches planned and packed, getting clothes laid out for the next morning, permission slips signed, after school activities, carpools, playdates.....you remember. Throw younger brother in the mix with his own activities and it is daunting. Why am I so aware of the scheduling requirements? Because I am in charge for a week, on Grandmother duty.

As I peruse my 5 page list of instructions and schedules, I remember my own days in the trenches. With 4 children, organization was the only thing that kept me sane. Clothes laid out the night before, lunches pre-packed and in the fridge, athletic equipment by the door-the Von Trapps we were not, but morning bedlam was just not a great way to start the school day. Frantically doing math problems, ten minutes before carpool is not conducive to learning or to a happy morning.

What follows are some tips from others wiser than me. This post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico makes life so much easier, for both parent and child.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage their workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day-to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen's belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It's a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase.

So, help make getting organized a priority in your home. It is another way to reinforce the importance of school and education and helps make learning happen.

Note: If anyone sees a frazzled, frizzy -haired Grandmother barreling toward Sadler Arts Academy in the next few days, get out of the way. I'm coming through. I don't want any tardies on Annebelle's record while she's on my watch! chrissie

Life Goes On

This has been a bittersweet fall. The bitter? I lost my Father very suddenly in early September. I didn't get to say goodbye to him. The same day, I was robbed by someone who obviously knew us and used the information to invade our house and take things both valuable and sentimental. We now live fortified and less trustful of those who come into our home.

The sweet? Living in a small town where people you love surround you with their concern and sympathy. Dear ones who share memories, bring wonderful food, send beautiful flowers, take lists and make them happen. Friends and family who cry with you when you need to cry and laugh with you when you need to laugh. Friends who fill your plate and encourage you to eat. Friends who fill your heart and simply encourage you.

Sweet? Sons who share their stories of their Grandfather until late into the night, knowing sleep would be elusive, the night of the day I found my Father. Daughters who fuss over clothes and jewelery and shoes, knowing I would look back and find it important, the day I said goodbye to my Father. Husbands who hold you close, make you feel safe and tell you the loss of family things was not your fault and to just let it go. Husbands who give permission to grieve not for our things, but for my Father. Grandchildren who remind me, just by their being young and innocent and so beautiful, they are a legacy to the spirit of their indomitable Grandfather.

It has taken a while. I was pretty pitiful. But time is passing. If anything, the week my Father died has strengthened my resolve. My resolve to make every day matter, to live intentionally and to never take any blessings for granted. I will allow no one will steal my joy because my life is good. I love and am loved and thank God every day for waking up, with another chance to make the right choices. I forgive the people who thought they deserved something that was not theirs to have, because they have to live with their choice. And I can live with mine. After all, I am Duncan's daughter... Lord knows he taught us spunk. Now, if my eye would just quit twitching! chrissie

Bullying

Cyber -Bullying. Attacks on the school bus. School yard hazing. Linda Ellerbee, who hosts Nick News with Linda Ellerbee attributes the Vulture Culture we live in as an impetus . "This is what happens when teens listen to adult talk shows and reality shows. They could not be more rude and cruel. Look at reality series. You're voted off the island. You are the weakest link. You are fat and ugly." She states that these shows are all about bullying, and we love them.

Ellerbee continues. "There is a part of me that looks and says, Why are you surprised when your 11 year old is bullying a 10-year-old? Didn't you watch last night and enjoy when somebody was brought to tears? That is the reality of reality TV."

Linda Ellerbee recently hosted a special for Nickelodeon -Sticks, Stones and Cyberslams. Real life stories of bullying and the consequences prompted Ellerbee to create the special. In an article in The Tulsa World, the reporter explains what prompted the topic. "For me, it was one week last year in which two little boys killed themselves. I remember reading both stories and trying to imagine an 11 year old child tying a rope over something, getting up in a chair, putting the rope around his neck and standing there, filled with such despair, he takes a step off. And then I read that both were connected with bullying."

The introduction to the special reports that, in the past 18 months, at least 10 children have killed themselves because of bullying. You can be targeted because you're tall, beautiful, short, awkward, smart or dumb says Barbara Coloroso. Coloroso is the author of Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander and explains that bullying is about treating another human being as "it. Bullying makes the perpetrator feel cool or powerful. They bully because their friends are doing the same thing. They themselves were often bullied as younger kids.

Using the Internet to taunt others, called cyber-bullying is increasingly popular and easy to access. Kids on the show: "You feel like you have alot more power behind the keyboard than to their face. It stays their forever." "You can say anything."

What to do? Kids on the show have started Anti-Bullying Leagues at their own school. Schools are monitoring school buses, establish bullying laws and empowering kids to help. Parents need to be tuned in to what is going on in their children's lives. Communities need to support education and positive choices for teens. An environment of acceptance, dignity and respect for everyone is important. Adult role models should emulate what's good in all of us-be it at the check out stand or in a political race.

The Tulsa World offers a link to the U.S. Health Resources and Service Administration site-it includes tips on what kids and parents can do, plus games and weisodes on the subject. (tulsaworld.com/bullying) Don't let anyone say, "they're just kids being kids." Bullied kids need to know that they are alone. They need to know it now. chrissie

You're Wearing That?

Oh those familiar words. "You're wearing THAT?" I wonder how many women have either said that or had it said to them at some point in their lives. Conversations between mothers and daughter are the topic of Dr. Deborah Tannen's book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Click here to read a great article by Dr. Tannen on the subject.
http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/book_youre_wearing.html

Tannen discussed the relationship between mother and daughter and the language we use that can make a normal conversation become explosive. She wrote the book during the last years of her own mother's life and her insight grew as she took care of her mother during her last days.

Tanned says that for women, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. We understand that men cringe when women say "we need to talk." But when two women, very close in a relationship converse, something unintended can turn into a volatile word battle. A simple question like "Are you going to quarter those tomatoes" can be taken as a question of judgement. I am older...I know better....

Anyone who has lived long enough knows that those kinds of statements can come back to bite you. Pretty soon it is the daughter who is asking the questions. "Mom, did you really mean to put the newspaper in the refrigerator?" Ok, well no one has asked me that one yet, but you get the drift.

Tannen says a mother's critical statements continue into adulthood. It is almost a self-criticizing circle and search for acceptance. The big three areas of criticizing and need for acceptance in the uniqueness of each person's style are hair, clothes, and weight. Enough said.

My mother was very accepting and never said anything critical of me. I appreciate that so much now. I wish she were here for me to tell her.