It Takes Practice

The tween years are difficult. Making the transition between childhood and toward "teenager" is an emotional roller coaster- for both child and parent Parents magazine offers some tips for making the process a little easier. Five essential skills that help children relate to others, respond to their own feelings, and negotiate conflict to help build lasting personal relationships and succeed in school.

When your child managed to wrestle her own tights on, or propeled her fork to her lips without bouncing bunny-shaped macaroni onto the carpet, you felt a surge of pride: She learned to do for herself. And when she gets a little older and tackles her homework without being hounded or teaches you how to set your preferences on your new Pda, you want to cry with gratitude.

Kids these days, as they might put it, have mad skillz. But don't let them stop there -- they need to master more than self-care and smartphones to be both happy and successful in life. Being able to control impulses, delay gratification, and identify and manage feelings are all skills that fall under the category of emotional intelligence. Social intelligence is all about being able to relate to others, respond to their feelings and cues, and negotiate conflicts. Learning these techniques is important not only so your kids will have friends to complain about their parents to, but also so that they can do well in school. Here are five such skills you can help your child develop that will set him or her up for life.

How to be a loser

No mom wants her child to be a loser in the good-at-nothing, eating-lunch-alone, social-outcast sense of the word. But literally learning how to lose at something, handle it, and then bounce back is critical to beng happy. Think about it: Losing a race or game is nice training for when he doesn't get into the college he wanted.

Most children tend to take losing in stride. One reason some still don't is that tween children can become so focused on the outcome of a process (getting to sit next to a friend, being chosen first for a team, scoring the highest) that they lose sight of what's fun along the way, says Pam Schiller, Ph.D., author of Seven Skills for School Success. The trick is to get their eyes off the prize. If your child loses a ball game, for example, Schiller suggests saying, "So you didn't win. Let's talk about some of the other things that happened. Did you enjoy getting out there and playing with the other guys on your team? Did you enjoy the other parents cheering for you? Did you enjoy being outside?" The goal, Schiller emphasizes, is to "take them away from the idea that if they didn't win, it wasn't any fun."

How to be a joiner

You don't want your child to be indistinguishable from the flock, but knowing how to join in an activity or a preexisting group -- rather than sitting on the sidelines -- is good training for the future. In every aspect of life, she's going to have to work in a group, on school projects or at a job. Kids and adults are frequently thrown together with people they might not ordinarily choose, and they need to be able to negotiate different ideas and realize that others have important things to contribute, too. Leaders are often the ones who are able to glue a team together.

School-age kids usually have the nonverbal signals down but tend toward black-and-white thinking, notes Shapiro. If your child says, "But nobody likes me," help her focus on the kids who do. She may just need help choosing the right group to join, rather than constantly knocking on closed doors. "What parents don't realize is that kids do well with kids who are like them," says Shapiro. If your child is shy, pair her off with other shy kids; if she's into Star Wars, steer her to other kids who like Star Wars. "Friendship skills are learned through practice, and you can help her find the right kinds of friends to practice on," he adds.

How to fight for what's right

Being the defender of someone lower on the social food chain than you is enormously scary -- it can feel as though your entire social survival is at stake, which is why almost all kids need help to do so. Having both the confidence and the moral judgment to not only refuse to join in when another kid is being teased but also walk away or -- even better -- verbally stand up for that person involves a few different skills: empathy (understanding that the victim is being hurt), the ability to strategize (that is, to devise a course of action), and the savvy to anticipate what the other kids will do.

The stakes are quite a bit higher for school-age children who now have cliques and BFFs they feel they need to be loyal to. Plus, it's no longer cool to go running to a teacher or parent for help after age 6 or 7. That's why it becomes important to give your child some in-the-moment strategies to cope with "groupthink," emphasizes Rich. Start by doing a postmortem: Ask her for a blow-by-blow of a painful incident, one in which your child didn't know what to do, then brainstorm ideas for when a similar situation arises in the future. "Talk about what sort of response feels comfortable to her, and ask her to come up with different ideas," says Rich. That might mean creating a distraction if that will take the focus off the person being targeted; inviting the person getting teased to play something apart from the group; or consoling the aggrieved party after the fact, and standing up to the teaser later. "

How to be a good actor

Being the Streep or the De niro of the playground means knowing which emotions to reveal and which ones are better kept under wraps, to be expressed later. It also means learning how to be less than honest at times for the sake of others' feelings. You will no doubt teach your child to say to his well-meaning great-aunt who didn't get him a Wii game, "Thank you, I can really use these thermal socks," even though the emotion he's actually feeling is complete and utter disappointment. That's called being polite. The same principle can apply when he's dealing with other kids, says Rich.

Explain why "acting" can be to his advantage. For instance, "Everybody gets teased sometimes, but if you don't let on to the bully that he's pushing your buttons, he'll stop. Instead of showing that you're upset, you roll your eyes and walk away." The important thing at this age, notes Shapiro, is to help your child discern between telling a white lie for the right reasons and the wrong ones. When your child is asked "How does my hair look?" it's hurtful to respond "Awful!" even if that's what he really thinks, explains Shapiro. He needs to recognize that a response like "Fine" or even "Good, but I really like it when you wear a ponytail" is the tactful and empathetic approach. But when you ask him "Did you finish your project?" saying yes when he didn't is the wrong kind of faking it -- you can't gild the lily to get away with something.

How to question authority

When you're at your wit's end, a child who does what you tell him to do is certainly a blessing. But a kid who questions authority -- and manages to do so respectfully and effectively -- is a kid who will do well for himself in the long run. The boy who can make a polite and compelling case for why he needs to, say, get the black high-tops everyone else has instead of the dorky white ones is more likely to get his way, and to do so without angering the holder of the purse strings in the process. This is a child who will grow up to be someone other adults respect and want to negotiate with.

When talking about things that are up for negotiation -- like whether you'll take your daughter and her seven BFFs to Burger Mania or the Pizza Palace for dinner -- use phrases like "I've got an idea…," "What if…," or "What would happen if we tried …," which encourages her to do the same. "It's all about giving kids the right language to interject their thoughts without being offensive," explains Schiller. "Some kids are too afraid to question a parent or the teacher and they never find out they've got it inside them to do that." So avoid a my-way-or-the-highway attitude whenever you can, even if you're not going to grant her request.

These are excellent tools. Watching my own children and 100's of my students, I am convinced that good social skills determine success in school and later, success in life. Chrissie

Loving our Teen

When your kids are little, parenthood is pretty much a contact sport -- a nonstop marathon of smooching and snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it's an entirely different story. Take that 13-year-old, for example. You used to put his sweet little baby toes in your mouth just to make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy man feet, but all those tender moments -- including those times he rests his chin on the top of your head, just to show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms.

We shouldn't let those cold shoulders fool us. Kids not only want us to reach out to them, but also need constant reminders that we care. What follows is a great explanation of this teen phenomenon.

"Teenagers know that they're often no fun to be around," says Dan Kindlon, PhD, a child psychology professor at Harvard University. "But they still want you to love them -- and want you to show it." Remember that hold-me-close-now-let-me-go dance your toddler did on the playground, racing away from you to swing or slide, but zooming back to the mother ship for reassurance? "It's the exact same dance," Kindlon says. "It's just that teens go away further, and stay away longer." This distancing, which is vital to becoming independent, typically starts in the tween years, when kids start to walk 20 feet ahead of you in a parking lot and race up to their room and shut the door the minute they get home.

Few teens manage this push-me/pull-you stage gracefully, and parents, especially moms, wind up feeling hurt. So we get too adamant about that goodbye kiss, setting up power struggles. Or we withdraw, rejecting kids in ways that can hurt and confuse them. Finding a middle ground gets harder and harder.

But it's important to keep in touch, and not just physically. Parents need to ask kids about their friends, listen when they wail about school, and make lasagna or shoot hoops when they're down in the dumps -- all those gestures that psychologists lump under a big umbrella called parental warmth. Without that daily shelter, teens have a much tougher time learning social skills and building self-esteem. Moms and dads also need those close moments with their teens to avoid getting overly focused on all the daily hassles and skirmishes, whether it's insisting they can't wear cutoffs to school or don't have dibs on the car radio. Following, some expert advice on smart ways to show affection to your oh-so-aloof kids. And not to worry -- before you know it, your 18-year-old will navigate his way to independence and make a beeline back to you.

Seven Steps to Staying Close

When your kid starts insisting you keep your distance -- in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or the ultra-offensive "eww, get away from me!" -- relax. You can show your teens you love them while still giving them space.

1. Let your kids go. Hard as it can be, it's important to accept the fact that once your teen starts pulling away, he's in charge, not you. He'll come back when he needs to -- and you should be there for him." To make things easier, talk to your teens about what's happening. "Tell them you understand why they need to keep their distance," says Glenn Roisman, PhD, "and that it's okay because you're entering a new phase of your relationship."

2. Respect your teen's rep. When kids are hanging with their friends, it's important they look cool. Don't mess that up with any displays of affection -- which are certain to be rebuffed-in front of your children's peers. Hugs can wait until no one else is around.

3. Start new routines. The days of tucking them into bed at night or waking them up with a kiss may be long gone, but that doesn't mean you can't find clever ways to start some new show-your-love rituals. Try blowing a bedtime kiss through their door. Or pat them on the back when you hand them lunch money in the morning. Playfully insist on a smooch every time you hand over the car keys. The point is making an affectionate gesture habit, which they'll come to rely on even if they act like they hate it.

4. Find affection alternatives. Parents, especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to their teens. Chances are you've already figured out that rumpling your daughter's hair is out of the question, so experiment. Try an occasional hip check by the kitchen sink or a back scratch while she's at the computer. Games -- whether it's touch football or flicking each other with wet dishrags -- offer parents a chance to stay physical with both boys and girls.

5. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your teen, even if it means you have to endure Jersey Shore or MTV. You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.

6. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of your overtures, but there are always unexpected times when she feels especially vulnerable -- overwhelmed by calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend. Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she'd really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.

7. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising teens being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps everything. That means rooting from the bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most nights, and really listening -- on their terms, not yours -- without judgment. chrissie

Have You Done Your Homework?

School has started. Back to schedules, activities and homework. If your child has moved on to middle school, homework assignments are more rigorous and take more time. Getting your tween acclimated and committed to the process is important. Here's a few tips from the pros to make school work at home as successful endeavor for your tween.

Barring schedule-busters like after-school activities, your child should try to do her homework at the same time every day. . In figuring out the optimal time, consider the family schedule and your child's temperament. Most kids need a chance to decompress after school, and many work more efficiently following physical activity. In fact, research shows that exercise can actually increase a child's concentration.

Once you've nailed the time, create a dedicated study space. Having a consistent spot helps kids switch into study mode. One way to provide a quiet environment is by making study time a family affair. If possible, have siblings do their work at the same time, while you sit nearby with "homework" of your own such as bill-paying, reading, catching up on e-mail, or folding laundry. If you seem engaged by whatever you're doing, your kid will likely catch the vibe. Making a rule that the TV/video games stay off until everyone in the family is finished will keep your child focused and on task. This is the rule changer. You've got to keep the televisions, cell-phones and ipods off.

Middle school kids will usually require at least some assistance. But before you decide how much help to offer, check with your child's teacher. Most prefer that kids work mainly on their own so that homework can be used as a gauge of progress. That means restraining yourself from correcting your child's spelling or figuring out the math problem for him. On the other hand, reading his work over and challenging him to find the three misspelled words you discovered is a good way to get him into the habit of checking over his stuff.

It's also never too early to teach the value of research: Demonstrate how to find answers in reference books like dictionaries, online, and in atlases. Or look for real-world solutions. The more you foster the idea of homework as a time for independent exploration, the more kids are going to enjoy learning. Enjoy learning as pro-active and critical thinking activity.

Striving to get things right is admirable, but make sure your child knows that it is impossible to be perfect. If she's driving herself crazy with self-criticism, go over each assignment and agree on how long she should spend and help her stick to that schedule. If necessary, arrange a conference with the teacher, who can explain to your child that homework is practice, not perfection.

If, despite your best efforts, your tween stubbornly refuses to do his homework, you need to get to the bottom of things. "It might seem like an attitude problem, but his reluctance may be a sign that he's having difficulty with the material," says Jed Baker, PhD, author of No More Meltdowns. Talk to his teacher about how he's doing in class; if he's struggling there too, he may need extra help in general. If he's simply homework-averse, try breaking up the assignment into smaller tasks and challenging him to get through at least one. Once he reaches his initial goal, momentum might just carry him through to the end.

Don't forget that all kids will be pleased to hear some heartfelt support for getting their work done. Your recognition of their effort -- even if it doesn't result in an "A" -- is the greatest incentive of all and a powerful way to communicate the importance of trying their best. chrissie

Forty Winks

Summer is over for lots of kids tomorrow and rapidly coming for the rest of our school-age population. Getting back to schedules after three months off is always a little challenging at first. Going to bed early and getting up and out is particularly difficult.

As we have discussed here before, teens body clocks are not tuned to the current academic timetable. They would rather stay up late and sleep even later. Getting your teenager out of bed and out the door for their first hour class is not a fun start to the day.

They just must get used to settling in and gong to bed at a decent hour Kids do require at least 8 hours sleep. Here's one tip to get them on road to a little more shut eye.

In a recent radio interview with some of the top national authorities on sleep, it was stated that parents who allow their teens to stay up after midnight are at risk of their teens showing increased levels of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Teens’ sleep requirements don’t change as they move from middle school to high school – high schoolers need just as much sleep even though they tend to have increased levels of activities and commitments. But there is a biological change that as they get older kids will find the time when it is easiest to go to sleep moving to later in the evening. This clearly works in conflict with most school systems in which the high school day begins very early. They must train themselves to relax and rest earlier.

There is a science behind teens’ sleep needs. The most recent research and advice about what parents can do to help fix the sleep problem? Simple. Stop texting and go to sleep. Phones and lights and computers need to be turned off. Prepare the room and your child's body will get the signal that it is time to rest.

Good luck with this. I know the concept won't be easily agreed to by your teen. Those phones are an extension of their hand, their arm, their mouth and their brain. Downloaded music plays constantly. Facebook is a 24 hour a day commitment. Yes, but school and getting there, rested and ready to learn should be a bigger one. Good Luck!! chrissie

Wagner World

One of the Wagner family's favorite flicks (whew) is tasteless, corny and absolutely hysterical- The 80's film-National Lampoon's- Vacation. Clark Griswald and family set off on a cross-country expedition to a Los Angeles theme park. Simple enough. Not. On their way to Wally World, the Griswald family experiences every cliche of a "family vacation" Combine the National Lampoon brand of humor (Think John Belushi and Animal House) and you get a cult comedy classic.

My family just took a cross country trip of its own. Luckily, Florida wasn't closed and the beaches were up and running. I don't know why a road trip to the Gulf seemed in order but off we went, caravan style, three generations off to make memories.

The world has changed since the car trips of my childhood. DVD's. Video games. Communicating from car to car. Email and Facebook. Ipods. Ipads. Navigation Systems.

I remember one return from Pensacola. I was in the car driven by my Grandmother and guess who was supposed to be reading the map. This is not a skill I had as a nine year old. We had to double back over a good hour and a half, as a side trip to North Carolina was not on our itinerary. My parents and a brother or two were calmly eating nut rolls and perusing the souvenirs at Stuckeys in Jackson when we finally caught up.

Our trek last week followed the usual norms. Bright eyed and bushy-tailed early morning departure. A stop at the Arkansas visitor center for maps and bathroom breaks. All is good so far. Lunch at a Mexican restaurant is Dumas, Arkansas. Perhaps not the best choice for a long car ride. A stop in Vicksburg to see the civil war memorial. Note: do not walk into a museum gift shop with small children unless you intend to buy something. Resume caravan with miniature cannon and a 1860 era bonnet. Traffic bumper to bumper. Husband and son-in-law muttering and mouthing to each other from car to car. Continued promise of refreshing swim to antsy children. Make it to Mobile and check into hotel. Pool is green and cloudy. Ecoli swamp. Make it to rooms. Hot baths. Grandchild pulls duvet back to get into bed. Screams. Grandmother screams. Mother screams. Sheets. Not good. Let's just leave it that perhaps the room had been previously used prior to our arrival.

It is uphill from here. Our week at the beach was just what you want it to be. Wonderful. Our family had an absolutely lovely time. We ate too much, slept too little, swam with wild dolphins and collected buckets of hermit crabs. We zip-lined, art galleried, biked and snorkeled. We walked on the beach at sunrise and again at sunset. Some of us learned to swim and left floaties behind for babies. We cooked mountains of seafood with dear friends. We toasted this time in our lives and once again, remembered our blessings. We may be Wagner World but its who we are. We take that with us wherever we go. Even on vacation.

Couldn't help but include some lines from Clark Griswald and his family. Enjoy. chrissie

Ellen Griswold: [leaving the house] I turned off the water, the stove, the heat and the air, locked the door, notified the police, stopped the papers. I called to get the grass cut. Did I put the timers on the living-room lights?

.Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that
.
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away

Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...
Rusty: Audrey, Dad.

Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope

Clark Griswald: When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

. Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt

Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!


Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.