Did the Phone RIng?

This school year is coming to a close.  You may have a child leaving the security of elementary school this spring.  Off they go in August to a larger and more complicated environment. Middle School.

The middle school years are important.  The transition from dependent child to an independent teen begins here. Hormones kick in.  Peer groups broaden.  Focus changes.  Helping your tween feel confident and able to manage the new territory is important.  Look and Listen.  Be observant and sympathetic.  Keep expectations high but be flexible when necessary.  Patience and empathy is the key here.  Remember your own pre-teen experience.  As we say often in this forum, don't sweat the small stuff.

One important aspect of middle school is friends.  Your child's peer group will probably broaden in middle school. As a parent, you want the relationships to be good ones.  How can you help your tween to meet and keep friends that are positive and nurturing?  Everyone needs positive peer interaction. It helps maintain self-esteem, builds confidence and broadens one's perspective. Not to mention that it is enjoyable to have good friends. Get pro-active in getting your tween involved in activities that offer opportunities to meet friends. Don't wait for school to start next fall.  Much easier to walk into that big, unfamiliar building with a familiar face or two.

Get your tween involved with youth groups and activities in the community and at school. Be strong with the rule that your tween must be involved in something, but allow your tweenager to choose what groups, sports or activities to join.  After raising four children, I feel this is very important.  Much better to be driving across town for tennis lessons or writing checks for Drama Camp than walking by a closed door with an isolated teen behind it.

Talk to your tween about the group or activities. Did he/she meet someone new? Get a feel for the group and the other teens in the group that your teen is talking to. Give this step some time. It may take a month or more to really get to know these new friends. Just continue to enjoy listening to your teenager about their activity.


Make sure your home is welcoming and available. This includes food in the fridge but also the warmth of your welcome and then your willingness to excuse yourself when the time comes.  Your tween needs a place to go where they feel independent and  "unobserved."  A place where important conversations and bonding can happen between friends.  At home is a place you want this to happen. Trust me.


Now that your tween has found some new friends, you can encourage positive interaction by inviting friends to activities and being available to take and/or pick up when your tween wants to go place with his/her friends.  Offer opportunities like theatre, festivals, days at the lake and interesting workshops and classes.  Broaden your child's world and include friends in the process.  Make noodles one day.  Dad can take the boys hunting or fishing.  Bring a friend along on a family vacation.


This growing up thing is not easy.  Insuring your child has friends to navigate the process with is important.  Just like adults, friendship is a mutual responsibility.  What our Mom said was right.  "It takes being a friend to have one."  Teach and model behaviors.  Loyalty.  Mutual respect.  Not judging.  Lack of drama.  A united front. Kindness and consideration.  Thoughtful.  Sympathetic ear.  Empathy.  All tools that serve your child now and will in the years to come.  chrissie

There's a Party Going on Around Here

Last week I threw out the idea of hosting a party for your teen, at your house.  What follows are some rules and guidelines from the same writer.  It is not easy but do-able. chrissie

In order for a teen party to be a success, it needs to be fun and safe for all involved. You, as the parent, can insure that your teen's parties are safe by following these simple rules:

Make each rule clear to your teen. Write them down in black and white so that there can be no disagreement on what has been decided. These should be noted for all of your teen's parties, but gone over before ever party.

Split the workload and write up a list for each of you. Be sure your teen knows what he/she is responsible for getting done for the party. You should not be doing all of the work.

Keep the number of teens invited manageable. Smaller parties are much easier to manage and tend to be more fun.

Set the time for the party and stick with it. Three hours from start to finish seems to work well for the teen parties I have hosted.

Do not allow any illegal substances, including, but not limited to: alcohol, drugs of any kind, firearms, porn, etc. Place a ‘there will be no drinking or drugs allowed’ on the back of the invitations. This rule needs to be made very clear to all invitees before the day of the party.

Get a list of all those invited with their phone numbers. Keep this handy should the illegal substance rule be broken so that you can call the invitees parents to come and pick them up. Does this seem too harsh? What is more harsh is if that teen goes home and says you provided said illegal substance. You could face charges. But, if your teen knows you will call the other parent, you can bet the teens that will normally try and pull this stunt will not, or will not come to the party at all.

Do not have an open house. Tell your teen that he/she needs to stick to the invitation list. Should you have crashers to your teen’s party, do not allow them in.

Allow other parents to feel welcome to call you and to attend the party if they want - more hands to help and chaperon.

Do not be the only chaperon. There needs to be more than one adult in attendance.

During the party, ‘be around’. While you do not need to be right there, front and center, all the time, you do need to be visible. Staying in your bedroom is not chaperoning a party. Refill the food, help start activities and/or just walk through every 15 minutes or so.

Do not allow teens to leave the party and come back. This is a recipe for trouble. Teens who want to involve themselves with drinking, smoking, etc. will leave a party, do the illegal activity and come back. Make it clear that should anyone leave the party, he/she is not welcome to come back.

Accidents happen. Be ready with a bucket and rag to wash up spills and a first aid kit should someone get hurt.

Inform your neighbors and if it is a big party, the police. When your neighbors are pre-informed about a teen party, they are less likely to get upset with the noise and less worried about their own property. The police are there to help should you have any problems with a teen party. While I don't feel this step is necessary for small parties, larger ones can get out of hand and you may need some help, especially at times like prom night or graduation.

Mark off an area in your home for the party. Party goers shouldn't be in any other area of your home. Count heads when you make a walk through.

Are you Serious?

A party at your house?  You may be asking, "Are you kidding?".   I recently read a good column regarding the subject. Denise Witmer from about.com offers five good reasons to change your thinking about hosting a gathering for your teen and his friends.  Read it and see what you think.

Teen parties seem to be a taboo subject for many parents. With out-of-control parties happening and some parents feeling it’s okay to allow teens to drink as long as they are at their home, it isn’t any wonder. But there are very good reasons to host a teen party with your teenager. Here are my top five:
Throwing a party with your teen will help strengthen the bond in your relationship. The two of you will be working together to put on this event. You’ll both need to have give and take on the rules, the food, the invitees, etc. Plus, parties are a great way to celebrate milestones and teach family traditions. Celebrating milestones and family traditions give teens a sense of belonging. Sharing that with their peers will extend the sense belonging to their youth community.
During a party, you will get to know your teen’s friends. Will you like all of your teen’s friends? Perhaps not. But you will get to know who is who, which is a real leg up. You may find that you hear more about what goes on in school or elsewhere when your teen knows you know who he/she is talking about.
Your teen will appreciate your wanting to do something for them. It feels good to teens to know that their parents care about their social life, as it is a big part of their life. Having good friends helps your teen create a strong identity and self confidence. You helping your teen by creating fun times with their friends makes it easier for him/her to reach that goal.
You will be able to laugh in the face of adversity. Okay, not really a great reason. But it is true. There is so much taboo surrounding teen parties that it isn’t any wonder parents shy away from this activity. It is almost as if the alcohol and drug using youth community has put a stop to young people who want to get together to have some fun without illegal goings-on. .
Giving a teen party is an activity that will teach your teen many needed skills. Having a party for your friends is a big endeavor. It will show him/her how to entertain and be a gracious host/hostess. If your teen uses his/her friends as a decorating crew and/or clean up crew, he/she will learn to delegate. There are many skills your teen will be able to hone while planning and giving a party.

With prom, graduation and other spring activities coming up, above is something to consider.  Next week I'll share the rules and guidelines for hosting a gathering at your house. chrissie

Never too Old

Jelly Beans.  Pastel M and M's.  Peeps.  Finding things to fill our little ones Easter baskets was easy.  Throw in a stuffed rabbit with a big floppy bow and you were good to go.  If your child is older and a plastic egg with a shiny quarter just doesn't do it for them anymore, don't throw the Easter grass out with the bath water. Kids are still kids, though taller and moodier.  Keep the tradition going with an "age appropriate" basket. Below are a few suggestions to get you started.  Don't forget the chocolate bunnies!  Happy Easter to all.  chrissie

1.   Printable Coupons for Teens Free hour off curfew, etc.
2. Movie tickets
3. Gift certificate for a movie rental,
4. Car detail, Gas card
5. Favorite magazine subscription
6. Book on applying makeup and beauty
7. Journal
8. Gel pens
9. Cool pencils
10. Trending Novel ex: Hunger Games
11. Sun glasses
12. Handheld game
13. Favorite shampoo and conditioner, decorative hair supplies
14. Paint and paint brushes, sketch pad
15. Motivational book, Comic books, Photo journal
16. Memory card for digital camera
17. Sports, teen idol, movie- poster
18. Movie/DVD, video game
19. Beach towel, beach bag, beach supplies,Bathing suit, flip flops
20. Spa Day or fancy Hair Cut
21. Fast food gift certificates
22. Perfume or After Shave
23. I-tunes Gift Card
24. Ball or other sports equipment,  tool kit
25. Fun t-shirt
26. Frisbees, bubbles, Silly Putty, kite, Nerf guns
27. Manicure or Pedicure
28. Photograph and frame
29. Sports team items, hat, cap, shirt, shorts
30. Lessons or classes such as tennis, theatre, golf or art.