Words from the Wise

 In the years I have been writing The Care and Feeding of Teenagers, I have often relied on others.  Others who are far more educated and wiser than me.  One favorite expert has been Sue Blaney, author and blogger-Please Stop the Roller Coaster.  What follows is her last "two minute" tips for raising Tweens and Teens. Check her archives for lots of good advice.  Happy March. chrissie

This is my last 2 Minute Tip. As I have told you, I will be shutting down this website before the end of 2012. As I prepare to say goodbye, I have been reflecting on my experiences in parenting and in what I have learned from working with so many of you across the country over the past 10 years.
I don’t need to tell you that this is a dynamic time in your family’s life…you know that. Over the years I have observed something I want to share with you: that there are times even the most educated and professionally successful parents feel challenged to their core. While watching your teenagers develop and grow is exciting and fun, it can also be a time filled with contradictions, confusion and mixed messages. I remember the time I had a Nobel prize winner in one of my workshops – his 14 year old daughter had virtually brought him to his knees! There are many parents whose confidence gets severely tested as they raise their teenagers.

For that reason, the single most important thing I believe you can do is to reach out and connect with other parents. There is so much to learn from one another, and so many benefits from sharing your journey. That was why I started working in this field, to help connect parents in safe and helpful ways.

Here is a short list of 10 suggestions I’d like to leave you with in this final 2 Minute Tip. This is “what I know now” about parenting teenagers:
1. Have faith. The odds are really good that things will work out just fine.
2. Believe in your teen’s goodness.
3. Know something about adolescent development so your expectations are age appropriate and realistic.
4. Understand that teens still have a lot of growing up to do after high school. Don’t expect your high school student to think or act like an adult.
5. Be mindful of what you are bringing to the family dynamic. You can be part of the problem or part of the solution.
6. Sometimes parenting requires you to swallow your pride.
7. Try really hard not to judge other parents, kids and families.
8. If you feel yourself suffering from fear and worry you need to objectively assess what is happening. Are you over-reacting? How serious is the situation? Would you benefit from outside help? Getting professional help is never a sign of weakness, there are times it is exactly the right thing to do.
9. Never worry alone.
10. More than anything, focus on your relationship with your teen…

• Tune in to his/her feelings,
• Listen more than you speak
• Express your love [in ways that are comfortable for your teen],
• Spend time having fun together,
• Make sure he/she knows you are always in his court,
• Let your teenager know you don’t expect perfection,
• Make it clear that you care about a lot more than his grades and academic success.

It has been my privilege walking along beside you as you raise your teenagers. Thank you for allowing me into your life. Here’s to a great future for you and your family!
I’m leaving you with links to a couple of favorite items…

• the Parents’ Action Tool is a one page download of an item parents have found very  helpful,
• “What I Know Now: An Open Letter to My Recent Teens” may be the most popular post I have written, and I have closed every talk with it. If you haven’t read this, don’t miss it.

Thank you again….and God Bless.
Download the Parents’ Action Tool:

Who Am I?

During adolescence, teens develop their identity, their sense of self. Answering the question, 'Who am I?' is one of the biggest tasks of the adolescent years. The dictionary  defines identity as, 'the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time.'  Note that the definition says a sense of self.   Your teen's identity is entirely dependent on how he/she sees him/her self, not how we or others see him/her.

A strong identity is something parents should strive to help their teens attain. Young adults who have a strong sense of self are resilient, have a healthy self esteem and are growing independent.  How can a parent help their teen to develop a strong sense of identity?  Education.com(P.C. Broderick/P. Blewitt)  offers some good insight.

Psychologically, all adolescents need room to grow and safe places to test their newly emerging selves. Using knowledge of the processes of exploration and commitment as a framework, parents can start the assessment process by considering how their adolescent is going about meeting her needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence. The ways in which adolescents try to meet each of these needs will look very different at age 14 than they did at age 8. Some teenage behaviors seem strange and annoying, but they might not be dangerous. In other cases when alternatives may be lacking, teenagers might try to meet their fundamental needs in ways that are potentially harmful. Helping adolescents find healthy and developmentally appropriate routes for expressing independence, for feeling part of a social group, and for experiencing satisfaction in accomplishment provides a sound basis for helping.


 The teenage years are a time of active exploration. Striving to make early college decisions or committing to a career path while in high school may be developmentally inappropriate goals for many adolescents who lack the life experience necessary to make personally meaningful choices. Although teenagers who make these decisions may appear mature to observers and may establish themselves as role models for their peers, their behavior may actually reflect a pseudo-maturity that is more akin to premature foreclosure in certain domains, such as vocational identity- ie jobs or careers.
A certain amount of egocentrism appears to go with the adolescent territory. It is often quite a bit easier for parents and other adults to respond authoritatively, with love and limits, to children when they are young. Something in the nature of their open dependence makes adults feel needed, valued, and important. The task often gets harder during the teenage years, at least in cultures and families that value independence and opportunities for personal expression. Being an adult authority figure in your teen's life may entail some hard times, when love and patience are put to the test. Sometimes adolescents’ self-absorption seems impenetrable. In what may mirror adolescents’ own sense of separateness, adults also can feel isolated.

Its so frustrating. Watching teenagers struggle with the problems of adolescence is painful, particularly when they behave egocentrically, when they are emotionally volatile, when they act as if they do not want or need our help, or when they actively rebel against the limits we have set. In some especially difficult situations, teenagers have managed to convince the adults around them that they are their equals and that they are entitled to wield much of the power. Sound familiar?  Some of us are inclined to avoid the grueling job of limit setter and enforcer because they may feel worn down, may have their own personal struggles to contend with, or may simply not know what to do. Sometimes parents take their cues, despite their better judgment, from other teenagers’ more permissive families. Adults who are responsible for adolescents need to be committed to authoritative practices for the long haul. Despite their protestations, the last thing adolescents need is for parents, teachers, or counselors to disengage from them or abdicate their authoritative role. Sometimes, "Because I said so," is the best answer of all  .chrissie

Don't Forget the Conversations Hearts

 

Teenagers don't always exude warm and fuzzy feelings typically felt on Valentine's Day. It is still very important to show your teen  that she is loved and appreciated. Deep down every teen wants to get a gift on this holiday - even if it is from mom or dad. Buy your teenager a gift they will love and use, and he won't think Valentine's Day is lame after all.

Gift of Music

• If your teen doesn't already own an iPod or other MP3 player, buy him one for Valentine's Day. Apple allows you to engrave a special message on the back of the iPod if you so choose. If your teen already has an iPod or MP3 player, buy him an iTunes or Amazon gift card so that he can download the music, movies, or other media of their choice. Docking stations, cool cases, and other accessories are also great gift ideas if your teen loves music and his portable music player.
  

Anti-Valentine's Day Gear

• Many teens are openly "anti-Valentine's Day". Buy your teenager a T-shirt, hat, coffee 
   mug, or set of ink pens that openly denounces this "overly commercialized" holiday. Your teen will be happy because she will think you finally understand her. Stores such as Hot Topic, Spencer's, and online retailers such as CafePress typically carry anti-Valentine's day objects during the appropriate season.
  
  

  New Cell Phone

  • Is your teen complaining about his "ancient" cell phone that he's had "forever"? If so, buy your teen a new cell phone that features a multimedia package that allows him to surf the Internet. Texting, Twittering, and looking at MySpace and FaceBook will be possible at the touch of a button in the palm of his hands. This Valentine's Day gift will leave you cool in his book.
    

  Car Magnets

  • Teenagers love to decorate their cars. Many teens resort to using shoe polish on the windows to write out messages and show their individuality. Buy your teen a set of car magnets that will allow her endless personalization possibilities. Car magnets are a lot better than bumper stickers because they are a lot easier to remove.
    

  Night Out

  • If your teen is dating someone special, buy him a set of movie tickets and a gift card for dinner for two. Even though you might rather spend the Valentine's Day holiday with them, sometimes teens will appreciate you more for giving them space and independence. By purchasing your teen basic Valentine's Day date staples, he can spend more money purchasing a gift for his girlfriend.
    
    Thanks to EHow for the great ideas. Have a Happy Valentines Day tomorrow and keep making those memories with your teen.   chrissie
    

  
  

  
  

Look Past the Mirror

Raising Fit Kids: Healthy Nurtition, Exercise, and Weight

  This content is selected and controlled by WebMD's editorial staff in collaboration with Sanford Health Systems.

Help Teens Develop a Healthy Body Image

How do you help your teen develop and maintain a healthy body image and good self-esteem? It can be a challenge, no doubt.
Teens' bodies are growing and changing, perhaps making them self-conscious and hyper-aware of every blemish and extra pound. Teens also are constantly bombarded with idealized, often computer-enhanced, body images that are impossible to measure up to. These messages have the ability to manipulate all of us into thinking that we are too fat, too thin, too short, or too tall.
The good news is that, as a parent, you have more influence than you think to help your teen navigate this difficult time of life and develop a positive self-image, no matter their size or shape.

Both Girls and Boys Are Affected

Between glossy fashion magazines, MTV, social media, and popular movies, teenage girls can get the impression that fashion models and celebrities have perfect bodies and flawless skin. Many teenage boys compare themselves to the buff athletes and movie stars they see in magazines, the Internet, and on TV. They feel dissatisfied if their own teen bodies don't measure up.
In some cases, negative body image has been linked with depression, eating disorders, and other risky teen behaviors.
Teenage boys aren't usually as verbal about their body image issues as girls are, but that doesn't mean they don't experience them. Remember the story of the 98-pound weakling who had sand kicked in his face at the beach? On the other end, boys who are overweight often endure social isolation and even bullying in middle and high school. Boys also suffer from eating disorders, though parents and doctors may overlook them, even if they are alert to such problems in girls.
If you believe your teen may be struggling with low self-esteem or body image issues, what can you do? Here are some simple steps. Of course, if you notice dramatic changes in your teen's weight or eating habits, touch base with a health care provider.

Teens, Body Image, and Self-Esteem: 5 Tips for Parents

1. Be a good role model. Your teen does notice.
Your teen is closely observing your lifestyle, eating habits, and attitudes about issues like appearance and weight, even if she seems to cringe every time you speak. Pay attention to the example you are setting, and make changes if you don't like what you see. Looking at yourself through your children's eyes can be a great motivator to begin an exercise program, adopt a healthier diet, or turn off the television and get moving instead.
Remember, your child will also model your attitudes about your body. So if you're constantly decrying your hip size or thinning hair, your child will learn to focus on her flaws instead of her attributes.
2. Be positive.
Never make critical remarks about your teen's body. If she has a weight problem, you can be sure she's aware of it. Your negative remarks will only make her feel more discouraged and could make the problem worse.
Instead, compliment your teen. Tell her what a pretty smile she has, or how that shirt makes his eyes shine. When you appreciate their physical capabilities -- "Thanks for opening that jar for me" or "You folded that laundry so fast!" -- you are building a positive body image. Help your teen make the most of his or her attributes by encouraging good personal hygiene and posture, healthy sleep habits, and stress reduction.
When your teen is sitting on the couch, suggest you to go out for a walk or run together or head to the gym. There is evidence that girls who participate in athletics have healthier body images and higher self-esteem than those who do not. Research has also found that girls who participate in athletics have lower rates of depression, teen pregnancy, and other risky teen behavior.
If you feel you need more help, talk to your teen's school counselor or consult her health care provider and work together to come up with a nutrition and exercise plan.
3. Teach your teen about media.
Don't let your daughter be a fashion victim or your son become obsessed with being muscle-bound. Help him or her develop a healthy skepticism about images in magazines, on screen, and on the web. Make sure your teen understands the airbrushing, photo manipulation, stylists, personal trainers, cosmetic surgery, and other tricks that make up the beauty industry and celebrity culture. Guide your teen to decode advertising messages that link products with personal fulfillment.

4. Emphasize other qualities over appearance.
Support your teen to develop talents and skills that have nothing to do with appearance -- like music, sports, arts, and volunteer activities. Show an interest in his or her passions and pursuits. Acknowledge the good things you love about them, such as how they can make you laugh or their dedication to schoolwork or the way they look out for their younger siblings. Focus on health over appearance whenever possible.
While it's important to have a positive body image, make sure it doesn't go too far. For example, in their quest for the perfect six-pack, some teenage boys exercise to an extreme, try to bulk up by using vitamins and supplements, or experiment with steroids. Watch for any dramatic changes in your teen's eating habits or weight, and consult his doctor if you have concerns.
5. Make good health a family affair.
Your entire family will be healthier if you avoid fast food, keep junk food out of the house, cook nutritious meals, and get active. But you don't have to do it all at once to make a difference. Just one small change can start building your and your teen's confidence and help you work toward bigger goals. And having other family members sharing in these new behaviors will make your teen feel 

Try scheduling a regular family meal as a good first step. Studies have shown that having them can reduce the risk of obesity in children, so start a nightly family dinner ritual if you don't do that already.
Then, instead of turning on the TV after dinner, suggest a family walk. You could also offer to join a gym and go with your teen. It's OK to start out slowly, maybe being more active once a week, and then walk or workout more often over time. If you make a healthy lifestyle part of your family culture, your child will develop good habits to last a lifetime.