Altruism Begins At Home

When I was teaching, I sponsored several clubs and organizations.  To name a few, Human Relations Council, Peer Mediation, Teens Against Tobacco Use, Class Adviser and Journalism Club.  Many of  the activities associated with the clubs were centered on the interests of the students, others to serve the school and still others, emphasized service and volunteering.  National Honor Society requires them all.  It is an invitation only organization that requires scholarship, leadership and service.  To be invited, a prospective initiate must not only have a certain GPA, they must also have a specific number of activity and community service hours.  As a sponsor and application reader, I must say that some of the volunteer hours listed were a stretch. 

Savvy college bound students know a well-rounded application includes not only good grades, but a impressive list of community service. This is important for not only admission but for scholarships and grants.  Creative and constructive volunteering is what colleges are looking for.  This means time and energy invested into something important. Something that makes a difference.  A car wash in bathing suits on a sunny Saturday to offset spring trip expenses is not such an activity.  Neither is picking up trash to fulfill court decreed community service.  Blowing up balloons for the prom does not a philanthropic project make.

It is easier for teens to grasp true service if it has been modeled at home.  What follows are some excellent suggestions from Good Morning America Parenting contributor, Anne Pleshette Murphy. She offers tips on raising a compassionate and caring teen.

You hear a lot of grumbling these days about how kids think only of themselves. It doesn’t have to be that way. Several studies show that altruism can start as early as 18 months of age, and kids who volunteer have better grades, fewer discipline problems and are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes than their more self-centered peers. Here’s how you can help them get started.
Charity begins at home. Early on, reward your child’s impulses to aid other people. Kids as young as 3 can sort silverware or help you with the laundry. Older children can support their siblings by attending their activities, tutoring or coaching, including in activities,  Let them learn to be the hero.
Know thy neighbors. Reach out to neighbors; work together to clean up a park or organize a giant yard sale to raise money for a charity. Adopt a grandparent in the area who may need assistance with grocery shopping or an occasional visit. Volunteer at a soup kitchen as a family, recycle together, plant trees, pick up trash, help Habitat for Humanity. Find something to do together.
Pick a passion. Many adolescents have strong feelings about the environment, racial inequality or other issues that inspire social action. Their internet savvy makes it easy to find ways to make a difference. DoSomething.org lists opportunities for teens, and Serve.gov finds dozens of volunteer opportunities by zip code. 

Making a difference is great for the recipient, but even better for the giver.  Help your child experience the satisfaction of truly giving back.  Not for recognition or scholarships, but because he should.  Because she learned about those thousand points of light, at home. Chrissie

Blow Out the Candles

My grand-daughter is turning nine-years- old Thursday.  It does not seem possible. Wasn't it yesterday she was having princess birthdays with fluffy costumes, abundant glitter and bejeweled tiaras?

This year, Annebelle asked for a Puppy Party.  A family friend is very active in the Tahlequah Humane Society.  He brought crates full of adoptable puppies and the girls followed clues to find the dogs.  It was great fun, the pups got some hands on TLC and the shelter got lots of great donations. The birthday girl asked for gifts and money for the SPCA, in lieu of birthday presents. She is growing up to be a compassionate and thoughtful young girl.  I am very proud of her.

If you are struggling with ways to celebrate your tweens and teens birthdays, here are a few suggestions from kids themselves.  Everyone likes to celebrate birthdays but pony rides and Pin the Tail on the Donkey just don't do it after a certain age.

The party planning, theme, and activity ideas here are adapted and paraphrased from posted comments by teen readers party articles by Suite 101 Blogger, Janienne Jennrich.

The real expert on party ideas is the teen having a birthday! If you are party planning for someone, get that teen involved (unless it is a surprise party, of course). If you are the birthday person, have fun looking over these suggestions and then plan your birthday your way!
Backyard Music and Dance Party Ideas
One teen wanted a "party in the backyard with music and dancing." Theme suggestions: Tiki party, BBQ party, or any outdoors theme, or no theme at all. Invites say, "Hey - Come Hang Out in My Backyard and Dance!" Provide great music.
A Kidnap Party Theme
One reader told us about how to have a surprise kidnap party. "The parents are in on it, but you go with your child at say 3 or 4 o'clock and knock on the door to grab your birthday guest out of bed just the way they are." (Yep - in their pajamas!)
Once everyone has been kidnapped, everyone goes out to breakfast to eat and open gifts. Parents of the guests should know about the kidnapping and party far in advance, so they could be asked to give any gifts to the birthday teen when their child is being kidnapped. This party idea sounds fun, especially for the teen years.
A 13th Birthday Sleepover
One teen turning 13 decided to have a sleepover party in a tent outside. Before that, she planned to turn her garage into a party place with balloons, streamers and music. In her own words, "We will do makeovers, and then I am hiring a professional photographer to take photos for us!" She also planned on watching scary movies and eating loads of chocolate. Sounds fun!
A Tween Slumber Party
A tween turning 12 wanted to throw a slumber party, but do something else before that, too. Cost was an issue for one idea: "I wanted to see a movie, but I have a lot of friends that I want to invite." Budget is sometimes quite a barrier. Perhaps guests could be asked to pay their own way instead of bringing a gift? Many people have pretty amazing home theaters today. Asking around might be an option.
More Tween Party Activities
One reader thought that tie-dying shirts could be fun. Great idea! This could be part of a '60s party theme, a rainbow theme, or a crafty theme.
Other activity ideas suggested by readers:

• Have a karaoke competition
• Have a Throwback Super Mario video game marathon!
• Lip sync to music with close friends
• Make a group music video and post it on YouTube
• Throw mud at each other (I don't suggest this one!) and then take funny photos (Author's note - maybe a whipped cream fight?). File this one under 'outdoor activities.'
• Have a Silly String fight. Silly String comes in spray canisters. Look at a toy store or party shop.
• Hire a DJ, rent a party tent or a hall for dancing. Add mylar balloons or balloon bouquets.
• For a laugh, rent a bounce house or bouncy castle (Try an online search for Party Rentals)
• Set up a back yard carnival with homemade games and party favor prizes
• In warmer weather, go camping, have a BBQ and a Nature Scavenger Hunt. Think bird nest, pinecone, blue jay feather......
• Have piles of newspapers and divide girls into groups.  Each group designs and constructs a haute couture fashion out of paper, duct tape and fun trims.  When completed, have a fashion show and vote for the best design.
• Supply disposable cameras! "When you develop the pictures after the party, you are sure to get a good laugh," says one teen. As an alternative, guests could bring their digital cameras.
• Spray each others hair with colored hair sprays. Make crazy hairstyles with colored hair gel.
• Try some face painting, then go shopping as a group
• Have something for guests to sign or decorate as a gift for the birthday teen. A big party banner, a party tablecloth or a poster board sign could all work. One teen said, "I got a pair of white Converse [shoes] and had my guests all sign my shoes. They look stellar and I always get compliments."

Sometimes Tweens Want to Go Crazy!!!
I love many of the suggestions that teens just want to be wild and have fun.
One 12 year-old, frustrated with 'boring' party ideas, commented that teens today are "outgoing and looking for excitement...we like truth or dare, gossiping, doing crazy things and being with boys!!" Someone else suggested that "dancing like idiots always works and gets everyone laughing." Another said "Just getting a laugh is the best. You don't have to spend any money. Go Bonkers!" One girl said "Do your hair, makeup, and go really crazy!!!!!!"
I am beginning to think that the way to make teen birthday parties really exciting is to use a lot of exclamation points!!!!!
Of course, I'm just kidding around; but just in case I am right, how about adding some to the party invitations!!!!!

Lots of good ideas. And you don't have 12 party guests all wanting to bring home the entertainment! chrissie

Proud of You.

It really happens.  The time comes.  Your children leave home.  About.com contributor, Denise Wimmer, offers some practical tips to help you raise an independent and self-reliant teen, aka young adult.

If your parenting goes as normally planned, your teen or young adult will at some point leave home and live independently. Life Skills will help your teen be independent and able to live on their own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and their parents. But it isn't easy. Older teens often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed in the world at large. Therefore, they start out at an disadvantage by not getting the confidence a person gains by learning an independent living skill and not having the ability to do the life skill. This makes the transition from a teen at home to their life as a young adult harder. Sometimes it's so hard, they come back home. If you are raising foster teens or teens in a children's home - as I have - coming back home isn't an option. With my own children, it is an option, but not one I want them to take.
You can help your teen be independent by encouraging good habits and helping them learn the life skills it takes to be independent. Here I have listed fifteen life skills your teen will need to learn in order to be successful at living independently the first time they are on their own:

1. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness
   Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for teens because every teen I've ever known has needed it. Teens who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.
2. Finding and Keeping a Job Skills
   In order to live independently, your teen will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily. Here are the skills your teen will need to have in order to find and keep jobs that contribute to a high quality of life.
3. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food
4. Health and Hygiene Skills
   In order for your teen to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your teen's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.
5. Transportation Skills Or The Ability to Get from One Place to Another
   One life skill that teens need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B. Here is a list of transportation lessons - and experiences if you can swing it - that your teen will benefit from learning now, while you are still able to help.
6. General Housekeeping Skills
7. Money Skills
8. Interpersonal Skills
9. Goal Setting and Obtaining Skills
   Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your teen will need to be a happy and successful adult.
10. Ability to Find Housing
11. Time Management Skills
    When teens learn how to use their time wisely, they not only get more tasks accomplished, they feel good about themselves and their abilities. Learn how to teach your teen personal time management skills.
12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community
13. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies
    When your team has to deal with an emergency, there will be no time for them to think. Therefore, it is imperative parents take the time to teach their teens how to deal with emergencies while they are at home– and I'm talking more than just knowing how to dial 911. Here is some advice on how to do just that.
14. Stress Management Skills
15. Personal Safety Skills

Does your teen need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your teen may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For instance, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your teen each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own.

And that's a good thing. chrissie

Na-Na-Na-Na NAA-NAA

Nothing like Oklahoma.  I am freezing.  Where is the sun?  We need the rain but......It's April for heaven's sake.  Oh yes.  I forgot where I live. As a famous little redhead sings,  "The sun will come out tomorrow." Or the next day.  I'm an Okie but really, I am ready for spring.

Saw a great column on the Huffington Post blog. I'ts from Huff Postcontributor Shelley Emling and in it, she discusses things to never say to our teens.  They are not earth shattering but certainly something to think about in our day-to-day interaction with that mystery of a child that lives in our homes.  Teenagers. chrissie

When I asked a good friend whether there's anything she regrets saying in front of her teenager, she responded "pretty much everything I've ever said."

Since I have two teenagers and one preteen myself, I know what she means. When it comes to efforts to engage in real and meaningful dialogue with one's teenager, complicated doesn't even begin to describe the terrain. And that's because, as parents, we often talk at our teens and not with them.

At least that's the way it seems from what I've experienced. I asked a few other friends how they interact with their teens.

One said: "My rule is not to repeat or discuss in front of my teenagers anything another parent has said about his/her child. This does not, of course, include accolades. I'm talking about when parents are expressing frustration about something their child did."

Another friend said she never uses the word "fat" in front of her teenagers and never tells them to "shut up." She also said it's a good idea never to ask "what the hell were you thinking?" Most times, she noted, you really don't want to know the answer.

Still another friend said it's never a good idea to talk about people in front of your kids or to speak badly about their teachers.

In the end, after exchanging ideas with a number of parents of teens, I came up with my own personal list of seven things never to say to your teenager. If you have your own ideas, please feel free to note them in comments.

1. "How was school today?"
I can't tell you how many times I've asked this question, only to be met with a one-word response -- usually "good" or "fine" -- and a view of my teenager's back as he walked from the room. It's so much better to ask a specific question. "How was that algebra test?" "Was the algebra test as hard as you thought it would be?"

2. "Around" or "about."
Saying you want your teen home "around 10 p.m." is opening curfew up to a vast world of interpretation. With my teens I have to be as specific as possible. You must be home by 10 p.m. and no later. I would like you to take out the trash AND empty the dishwasher -- within the next 10 minutes. Be home by 10 p.m. on Saturday night, March 23, 2013.

3. "You can't imagine what I've been through today" or "you can't imagine the day I've had" when your teen tries to ask you about something when you get home from work.
Again, I've been guilty of saying something like this many times. And I have had bad days where all I wanted to do was pour a glass of wine and go up to bed. But your teen needs you to be present -- even when you may not feel like it.

4. "Look how your sister (brother) does her homework."
It's hurtful to compare your children to one another in this way. And comparisons only needlessly pit siblings against one another. Each child is unique with his or her own special characteristics. Focus on the good.

5. "I hate you too."
Rare is the parent who hasn't been told they're hated. But when you let your anger get the better of you and you say "I hate you" back, it's immature and and just plain wrong. You're not your child's peer but you are supposed to be their cheerleader and their role model.

6. "Just give me a minute!"
If only I had a dime for each time I've said this on many a busy day. But I believe it tells your kids you are brushing them off. And I don't want to do that. Better to say, I think, that you need to finish up a quick task and that you'll be with them in a few minutes. And then actually BE with them in a few minutes.

7. "Good job!"
I used to say this all the time to my kids until I realized I was saying it so much -- it had lost all its meaning. Obviously you should praise and encourage your kids. But don't just keep saying "good job" if there really isn't anything to say "good job" about.