Get Up and Give Back!

School has been out for a month.  How's it going at your house?  Is your teen sleeping late, playing too many video games, watching too much television?  If you are at the point that that precious someone needs a little constructive nudge, how about encouraging a volunteering activity? 

When you mention the word “volunteer” to your teenager, your suggestion may be met with moans of resistance. However, volunteering is a very worthy and valuable way for your teen to fill his or her free time. The key to convincing your teenager that volunteering is a good idea is to find a volunteer opportunity that speaks to their talents and interests. Once your teen realizes that volunteering can actually be fun, they may surprise you by seeking out volunteer opportunities on their own. Exposing them to possible career paths may save time and money in the future.  Better to determine now that working with children or construction or the medical field is not something they like as much as they thought they would.  Saves a lot of college semesters.   (It also fluffs up those college applications that are down the road).
Habitat for Humanity
Habitat for Humanity is one of the nation’s leading volunteer organizations. Habitat for Humanity builds homes for families in need. They serve communities across the country, so it is highly likely that you can find a Habitat project near your home town. Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity is a great way for your teens to make a real, tangible difference in your community. Teenagers like the physical activity of constructing a house, and it is very rewarding to meet the family who will live in the home and see the final product at the end of the week. There is also a retail store that resales donated materials.  They always need help stocking and unloading.
Nursing Homes
Local nursing homes are always in need of volunteers. Teenagers can volunteer at nursing homes to help with light administrative duties, food preparation, or simply spend time with the residents of the facility. Teens can read to residents, play games and cards, or just sit and talk with those who live at the facility. Volunteering at a nursing home is a great option for outgoing teens, as well as those who are a bit more shy and reserved. Chances are good that your teen will make an unexpected friend during the time that he spends at the home.
Animal Shelters
Animal shelters represent a great volunteer opportunity for volunteers of all ages. Volunteers are always needed to play with the pets at the shelter, walk dogs, clean cages, feed, and bathe the animals. If your teen is an animal lover, volunteering at a local animal shelter is a great way to fill his or her free time and make a real difference in the lives of animals in the community.
Summer Camp
If your teen is too old to attend summer camp, but not old enough to be a counselor, why not consider volunteer opportunities? Volunteers are always welcome as counselors-in-training. Many camps also invite volunteers to lead classes and activities, such as sports, games, and arts and crafts. Contact both overnight camps and day camps in your area to see if they are in need of volunteers for the summer session.
Hospitals
Your teen can make a real difference in the lives of others by volunteering at a hospital. Volunteer opportunities abound at local hospitals. Your teen can volunteer to be a candy striper, helping hospital staff with basic nursing and cleaning duties. They can also volunteer to be a patient advocate or support person and spend their time visiting the patients, bringing books and treats, and even playing with the children in the pediatric ward.
So, get em' off the couch and out the door- saving the world one day at a time.  chrissie

Smart Talk

Are you tired of being totally tuned out or arguing over every little thing? Dr. Wendy Mogel offers fresh ways to share good news and bad. Redundant.  Repetitive. Boring!   Below are some suggestions for a different way to say the same thing to that teen in your house who keeps needing an answer. 

 10 Simple and Effective Ways to Say No

"No"
"Nevertheless..."
"Regardless..."
"That is not the issue."
"No, and that is final."
"I'm not ready for that."
"I've given it some more thought, and I am going to say no."
"I remember saying no about this."
"I'm not going to change my mind about this."
"Ixnay, Nyet, Nein" (or another language of your choosing)

10 Fun and Encouraging Ways to Say Yes

"Yes"
"Sure"
"Absolutely"
"How great!"
"Of course! We can/will/should"
"I'd be glad to help."
"That sounds like fun."
"I'd be happy to."
"Certainly"
"My pleasure"

Buying Time

"Trust Me.  I know what's best for you."  It is usually the truth but try to tell that to an emerging and defiant 15 year old.  Say this and watch your teen's eyes glaze over.  They just tune out  my precious words of wisdom. How can we to tweak our momisms so that our kidss know what we are talking about and are actually able to follow through on what we have to say? "The most effective way to speak to a kid is to use simple words and sentences that allow you to accept his feelings but follow through on your rules," says Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. And don't undermine yourself either. Dr. Mogel cautions against adding qualifiers such as "okay?" at the end of your request. If you give a child the opportunity to say no, she may use her veto power whenever she can -- and it will seem as though you're not fully committed to what you're saying. With these basics in mind, we rounded up the best phrases all moms should repeat first to ourselves -- and then to their teens.

1. "I need to think about that."

Moms often suffer from an instant-response reflex. "Many of us believe we have to think on our feet, come up with an answer immediately, and reach consensus with a 4-year-old," says Dr. Mogel. But blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind can lead to regret and frustration for both you and your child. Telling her, "I need to think about that" gives you authority, buys you time, and also introduces the idea that people think about things and weigh the pros and cons before coming up with a response, says Dr. Mogel. It can also be habit-forming. If your child hears you say, "I'm going to have to think about that" often, she will become comfortable taking her time when making her own decisions, which can have long-term benefits. By the time she reaches middle school, she will be so used to the idea of thinking before she speaks that she'll be more likely to say, "I'm going to have to think about that"' to her friends -- increasing her odds of avoiding spontaneous participation in ill-advised, illegal, or just plain stupid behavior.

2. "How does that make you feel?"

There's been a lot of talk lately about how parents shower their kids with too much praise. I'm as guilty as the next mom: When they were smaller-  "Awesome lunch-eating!" "Amazing shoe-tying!" Instead of this over-the-top enthusiasm, Dr. Mogel suggests asking "How does that make you feel?" when teens do something praiseworthy. "Even though it's a bit passive-aggressive (kids know when you're trying to get them to say what you want to hear), what's nice about this response is that it gives you a break from jumping up and down with praise and encourages your teen to get in touch with what he finds satisfying, rather than thinking only about the end result," says Dr. Mogel.

3. "Whoa."

Use this when your kid presents you with a problem or if she's done something she knows will get her in trouble . Simply saying "Whoa" lets her know that you're acknowledging what just happened, but you're not committing to a response right away. This will give you a moment to put the situation in perspective and figure out how you want to handle it. "I especially like this one because it counters our whole culture of giving instant, urgent responses," explains Dr. Mogel. Bonus: You can use this for years to come.

4. "Let's see if we can find something good in this."

Losing an election or sporting event. Being left out of a plan or a party. A bad grade.  These are all depressing situations for a teen. The secret to helping your child manage disappointment is to not rush in and rescue him from feeling bad. Instead, you want to help him flex his coping skills by letting him be upset. But after he's said his piece, sit down next to him and say, "Let's find the good part." Be prepared for some push-back; after all, it's hard to see the upside of losing a soccer game.  But stick with it by asking him to think about what's still positive  and what can still work in spite of the annoying stuff. You'll help your child learn to adapt and manage with what he has.

5. "Listen to your body."

Many moms are more in touch with their kid's body than with their own. We know how long they've slept and the last time they ate and pooped -- even when they're 8 years old, not 8 months old. However, if you habitually manage your child's physical needs, she'll figure out that she doesn't have to and she won't learn to be self-regulating, says Dr. Mogel. When she says, "I have a stomachache," don't rush to share your own conclusion ). Instead, help her go through a scan of likely causes. Eventually, if she learns to pay attention to her body, she may be able to recognize that the butterflies are different from hunger pains. Or that she can't fall asleep because her mind is racing. And when she comes downstairs and says she can't sleep, at least she'll be able to tell you why.

6. "Take a breath."

We all need to slow down, but in our rush to get ready for school, soccer practice, or doctor appointments, it's easy to forget how. Saying this puts an end to the urgency that so many kids feel during those transitional moments between activities, and it reminds you to take a breath too. "It's the equivalent of putting the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your teen," Dr. Mogel says. Kids mirror our moods, and if you can stop and call a time-out to breathe, you will be teaching your teen how to slow down and manage stressful situations. It resets the tone of your day and gives you and your kid permission to be okay with right where you are -- and maybe even to see how funny it is that you can find only one baseball cleat. The best way to make sure your words have a calming effect is to take a few deep breaths. When you're done, you'll  feel more clearheaded and connected, and be far more likely to locate that other shoe.

7. "Would you like a do-over?"

 It works whether you're in the privacy of your own home or in line for a table at a crowded restaurant, because it's friendly and nonthreatening. Changing the phrase to "Let's have a do-over" makes it even more effective because it's nonnegotiable. You're both going to reenact a moment together, and she can't say no. Plus, it takes her out of the hot seat and puts the two of you on the same team. When she feels you are her ally, she'll be more willing to work with you.

8. "That's a great idea."

Being a cheerleader for your child's big and small ideas will help him realize that he can effectively solve his own problems. Whether you have a 2-year-old figuring out what he wants to wear, a 6-year-old deciding how to spend an afternoon, or an 8-year-old debating about what story he is going to write, saying this will tell him that whatever scenario he just cooked up is worthy and that he has the brains and ability to see it through

Where IS my Child?

 Oh, the preteen years.  My grandaughter is 9 and I am wondering when it is not too early to blame emotional drama on"preteen".  What follows is some excellent advice for dealing with your coming of age child. Good luck dear reader.  Good Luck.  chrissie

The explosive preteen
They can be temperamental and unpredictable -- one wrong move could set them off. Living with a preteen can sometimes feel like a walk through a minefield. How can you keep the peace and still make sure that homework and chores get done? Here are 10 tips that can help.

1) Think ahead
One of our best tools as parents is being prepared. As your son or daughter gets to the middle-school years, get ready for at least occasional conflicts. Think through what's truly important to you. Is your youngster's hairstyle as important as homework? Isn't her curfew more of a concern than crabbiness? Obviously, dawdling is a lot easier to accept than drugs. As these give-and-take situations start, know ahead of time what areas you're willing to negotiate and what areas you're not.
2) Break down big chores into small parts.
Sometimes young people feel overwhelmed by tasks, especially those they've let go for a long time. A disastrous bedroom, twenty-three overdue math assignments, a long-term project that's "suddenly" due in a few days (or hours!); all of these cause the preadolescent to give up rather than get started.
Help your child by showing her how to set smaller goals: Clean off your bed; get five assignments done tonight; assemble the materials for the project. Preadolescents have trouble structuring tasks so that they're more approachable. In an even and offhand way, you can help them with this.
3) Encourage your middle schooler to keep a daily list.
A weekly list is too much. Each day he can put a few things on it that need to be done that day. You might have to assign a specific time to each task. When he has finished the task, your child can draw a line through it to show accomplishment.
4) Don't hesitate to remind your middle schooler about appointments and due dates.
Try to think ahead about materials that she'll need for a project (unless you look forward to late-evening visits to K-Mart). This won't last forever. Remember that when she was learning to walk, you held her hands and made the path smooth. Now she's learning to take on a tremendous assortment of life-tasks and changes; she'll still need some hand-holding for about a year or so as she gets started on the road to being a responsible adult.
5) Be willing to listen, but don't poke or pry.
Kids this age value independence and often seem secretive. Keeping to themselves is part of the separateness they're trying to create. Let your child know you'd love to help him, but don't push him into a defensive position.
If your child is in the midst of a longtime friendship that is falling apart, the best thing you can do is stand by and be a good listener. It is devastating when parents see their children hurting, but taking sides or intervening isn't appropriate, nor will it help. Preadolescents do survive these hurts, especially if they know you're there to listen to their pain.
6) Be a friend.
Friends are people who accept us as we are. They listen, they don't needlessly criticize, they back us up when we're right, and pick us up when we're down. Be a friend to your middle schooler; some days your kids may feel like you're the only one they have.

7) Help your child see that all friendships have ups and downs.

Children need to learn that being "best friends" isn't always smooth sailing. People have differences of opinion and even get angry, but they still care for each other. This is what's going on when we get involved in those "I-hate-her-she's-so-stuck-up-and-how-could-she-do-this-to-me" conversations. As parents, we must help our kids see that one problem doesn't ruin a relationship, but stubbornness might. Middle-school friends have a lot of spats and falling outs that often mend in a short time.
8) When reprimanding, deal only with the precise problem. Don't bring in other issues.
"The trash is still here, and I want it out, now," is always better than, "You are so lazy! I told you to take that trash out two hours ago and it's still here! You'd live in a pigsty, wouldn't you? Well, you aren't the only one in this house, you know..."
9) If the issue is minor, keep things light.
The shoes on the floor, the wet towel on the bed, the carton left open -- these are maddening, perhaps, but not earth-shattering. Call attention to them in a humorous way so that your middle-schooler knows you want action, but that you're not being punitive: "Either the cat's smarter than I thought, or you left the milk carton open on the counter. One of you please put it back before it spoils."
10) Don't use power unless it's urgent.
Parents have the ultimate power, and kids know it. We don't have to "prove" it to them at every turn. Save your strength for those really important issues you've decided are non-negotiable. Eventually kids are going to possess power of their own, and we want them to be able to use it wisely.
These tips quoted are from H.E.L.P. How to Enjoy Living with a Preadolescent and MORE H.E.L.P. These pamphlets are authored by Judith Baenen and published by the National Middle School Association.

More on: Teen Social and Emotional Issues

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