Raising Pre-Teens. It is Cool to be Uncool.

This is a great site with lots of good information.  What follow is some excellent advice about parenting your emerging Pre-teen.  It is a delicate time and requires patience and perseverance.  It is like watching a caterpillar change into a butterfly, ugly and awkward at first, but the final beautiful product is worth the wait. Toddlers and grade-schoolers? Piece of cake compared to 10-12 year olds.  We need all the help we can get! chrissie

Mothering a preteen
Being the mother of a preteen is not the most ego-gratifying period of a woman's life. If you thought you were clueless about what to do when the baby was brand new, think again—this is the time when you really begin to doubt that you know what you're doing. You have far less control over your preteen children than you've ever had, because the second they leave your house they are making all kinds of decisions you may never know about.

Betwixt and Between

Expect to worry. A preteen child combines the toughest parts of teenage-dom and childhood: He's old enough to think he can make his own decisions, but he's still too young to recognize his limitations. And, to make matters worse, preteens seem genetically hardwired to believe that all parents (and especially moms) are stupid and ignorant and that somehow they have been dropped into your family by mistake.
Teenagers, you hope, have already begun the maturation process that may ultimately lead to responsibility. Preteens, however, are still too close to being children to be able to objectively see how they are presenting themselves to the outside world. And while they may want you to see them as cool and up to the minute, inside they may still be clinging to their teddy bears or worrying about the monsters in their closets at night.

The Mom's Side of Preteen-dom

The preteen years feel like a time of loss to many mothers. If you have defined yourself in any way by your relationship with your child (and who doesn't, at least a little bit?) you're sometimes going to perceive your child's behavior as pushing you away. You'll be strongly tempted to cling and try to retain some control over your child, but that's only guaranteed to make your child need to push away even harder.

Mom Alert!

The preteen's demand for independence is at least 50 percent bluff. Don't react by giving your child more freedom than she is ready for. No matter how much she seems to be rebelling against you, she's really counting on you to hang in there for her.

Oh My Gosh! I'm Turning into My Mother!

One day you are going to find yourself haranguing your preteen, trying to maintain some control, and you'll suddenly realize that you sound just like your parents did when you were that age. At first you'll probably cringe at the recollection of how uncool you used to think your own mom was—and the realization that you have now become just as uncool to your kid.
If you're wise, you'll remember what you were like when you were trying to break away and become your own person—and you'll remember that you weren't doing it just to be mean to your folks.
Your preteen is not really rejecting you. She is just trying to find an identity separate from you at a time when she is terrified to let you go. The insults and cracks are your preteen's way of making it easier to let go of your constant protection.

Understanding—and Surviving—Preteen Angst

Preteens try to act cool, but in reality they are scared of everything. They know that they do not fit into the adult world and that they are not yet self-assured enough to fit in with the teenagers. But they also know they are no longer babies and that they can't hold on forever to the things of childhood. Nature is telling them to move on and they do not know how—except by making your life miserable.

Mom-isms

The symptoms of preteen angst are moodiness and downright contrariness, but deep inside it's really about insecurity. It's caused by the fact that preteens face so many conflicting desires: To grow up but still be a baby, and to make their own decisions but still be able to turn to Mom when the going gets tough.

Mom Alert!

If your child is so out of sync with his peers as to cause problems in school or at play, by all means seek a professional consultation. Just don't create problems where none exist. Consider yourself lucky if your child wants to savor childhood. She will be ready to move on when the time comes.

When It's “Anchors Away, and Full Steam Ahead…”

Aren't mothers lucky? We want to be the anchor, while our child's motorboat tries to speed away. Preteens don't really want to be out of control, but they don't want to stand still for any length of time, either. Whether or not they admit it, they need us to be there for them. When they're all dressed up in the latest fashions and trying to imitate the people they admire, they may look older than their years. But if you really stop to listen to them they are still ordinary children.

And When the Old Toy Box Still Looks Pretty Good

If you're fortunate, your preteen might stay on the younger side of the teens, behaviorally speaking. If your child is still playing with toys or behaving in silly, childlike ways, count your blessings. These transitional years are the time when children can test their limits without having to go too far into any dangerous territory. This is a time of information-gathering and self-discovery. So don't worry about encouraging any behavior that you feel is more age-appropriate, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Each child has a kind of internal clock that, when left to its own devices, will make everything that is supposed to happen, happen in its own time.

To Everything, There Is a Season

If your daughter still likes to play with her dolls in the preteen years, don't worry. Unless your child is expressing behaviors that clearly indicate she's having problems, be content to guide her gently, while letting her grow up at her own pace. Whatever you do, try to resist the temptation to compare your child to everyone else's kids.

Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/tween/teen/51063.html#ixzz2gQvgG0Z6

Take Me. Please Take Me.

If you have a senior then you and yours are probably already up to your elbows in the dreaded-college application.  It can be quite a process.  Particularly if your child has aspirations to attend an ivy-league or private institution.   Dr. Raymond J. and Eileen Huntington point out five common mistakes that students often making when applying to college. They seem obvious, yet admission deans indicate they are the five mistakes made most often. 

Don't let your student wait until the last minute.  Take the time to investigate, consider, weigh all the options and then, present a well prepared application.

Is your teen suffering from application procrastination? Choosing and applying to the right college can be a daunting process, not to mention that seemingly endless period while the family waits for a response in the mail.
Preparation is the only real cure for the college application blues. Gathering good information early enough to use it is the best way to avoid what College Admissions Deans from across the country term The Five Faux Pas – the five most common mistakes prospective freshman make when choosing and applying to college.

#1 – Poor Academics

According to a study by the National Association for College Admission Counseling, the most important factor in gaining admission to college is strong performance in a college preparatory curriculum (test scores and class rank were second and third). Your teen should be taking as many English, science, math, social studies and foreign language courses as possible. A related mistake is assuming that grade point average is more important than the difficulty of the classes selected. Your teen can't fool an admissions officer with a high GPA based on non-challenging electives.

#2 – Pack Mentality

Don't let your teen apply only to those schools his or her friends are attending. Work together to set the right criteria: major field of study, campus size/average class size, rural or urban setting, etc. Remember, it's your job to point out that even the best friends can flunk out of college or simply change their minds, leaving your teen stuck with (possibly) untransferable credits from a school that doesn't fit their real needs.

#3 – Choosing One "Right" School

There is no such thing as one "right" school. With hundreds of universities to choose from there are sure to be at least several that meet your teen's needs. Help you future freshman create a list of five to ten serious choices using a three-tier approach. The first tier are the most competitive schools; the second-tier colleges should meet all the same requirements but are not as selective as the first group; third-tier should include colleges your teen is sure to get into (a.k.a. safety schools).

#4 – Making Price a Priority

Don't make the mistake of thinking a public, in-state school is all you can afford until you investigate all available financing. More than half of all college students receive some form of financial aid (scholarships, grants, loans, etc.) that can make a private school across the country nearly as affordable as the state school a half-hour from home.

#5 – Lost in the Mail

Your teen's application and supporting materials (transcripts, essays, recommendations) are all an admissions officer has to consider when making a decision that can have a major impact on your child's life. The materials must be well written, neatly prepared (appearance does count) and submitted before the application deadline. If the application is just one day late all that hard work is completely wasted because no one will review it.

One for the Team

It's That season.  

Mike Julianell, (DadandBuried.com) shares the following musings regarding raising kids and Fantasy Football. Enjoy!

If Parenting Were Like Fantasy Football

It's football season! And you know what that means: it's Fantasy Football season!
Bore everyone to tears with game recaps! Enrage wives and girlfriends by spending too much time doing research! Turn leisurely Sundays into stress-filled angerscapes of regret and frustration. I can't wait!
I've written about my relationship with Fantasy Football before, even going so far as to consider skipping the birth of my child to attend my draft. That was a choice I didn't end up having to make, thankfully, and it resulted in one of the best days of my life: the day I won my league!
These days, almost everyone I play Fantasy with has kids, and since everyone with kids wishes they had better kids, I thought I'd imagine what the top picks in a Fantasy Parenting draft would look like.
Fantasy Parenting Rankings
1. A totally healthy, totally happy kid
Like Fantasy Football's Adrian Peterson, the Fantasy Parenting Draft has a consensus #1. No one is passing that up.
2. A kid who sleeps 'til 10 a.m. every morning
3. A vacation without kids
4. A kid who is already potty-trained
If I had the 4th pick, I'd be more than happy with whichever of those three happened to be left.
5. Free college tuition
Total boom or bust pick: college may well be obsolete in fifteen years. But if not, it will cost a FORTUNE. Too much upside to pass this one up with the fifth pick.
6. A kid who LOVES playing by himself, quietly
I love this pick. I could see it going as high as 3rd, really. A quiet kid is almost as good as getting extra sleep.
7. Painless vasectomy
One of the most controversial picks of the draft. You may never need a vasectomy, or worse, you may eventually decide to get it reversed! But like the homer who needs the Patriots' 3rd string RB and reaches to get him, some joker always panics and grabs this one early, usually right after their kid has pissed them off. For me, it's a last-ditch option and I wouldn't go near it until round 8, at the earliest.
8. A kid who cleans up after himself
This just never seems to pan out. Let someone else make this mistake.
9. An athletic/musical/scholastic prodigy
Another high-risk, high-reward pick. Even if it pays off early, could cause a lot of headaches down the road.
10. A kid who eats his dinner without a fight
Solid late first-rounder. Nothing flashy, but consistent year after year. So long as you have a lot of mac and cheese in the house.
First-round dark horse: Tim Tebow
Let's face it, the guy needs a home. And I'm sure his manners are impeccable.
Sleepers: A kid who likes "The Wire"; a kid who never talks back; a kid who falls asleep in the car; a kid who never whines; no tantrums; a kid who can see you eating junk food but NEVER WANTS it himself; a kid who hates children's music and only listens real, quality stuff; a kid who never wakes up in the middle of the night; a kid who isn't interested in your iPad or computer.
Obviously, this list is totally subjective. Like any fantasy league, how you devise your rankings depends largely on the format. Do you have more than one kid? Maybe a vasectomy is a good early call. Got a nanny or grandparents around to help? Then you might not need to take the kid-free vacation. Just know your league, go with your gut, and don't get so caught up in results that it stops being fun.
Just like with being a good fantasy football player, being a successful parent takes preparation and hard work, but nobody really knows anything, and it basically all comes down to luck.

By the Way

The clock is ticking. This time at home with your child is fleeting. Years pass in the blink of an eye. Eighteen years and they pack their car and wave goodbye. If we do our job right, they will seek their fortune and their destiny with confidence and courage. The adventure of leaving home and leaving you is just part of their journey, and ours.

We can't live every moment, dreading the inevitable-but we can train ourselves to make the most of time together. I have talked alot about making memories, making moments, making a home. A simple way of affirming your child and perhaps smoothing over a rough time could be a letter. A love letter to your teen.

Now, I don't mean all gushy and mushy. That will just turn your child off and probably embarrass them. Don't be too abstract or rhetorical. Identify specific attributes and use specifics to support your point.

An example? You face challenges head on and with courage. Algebra II was definitely a hurdle but you studied, got tutoring, worked with your teacher and gave up other activities to bring your grade up and prepare for the next year. Dad and I are so proud of you!!!

Perhaps your daughter has an after-school babysitting job. I am so proud that others trust you and know how responsible you are. Mrs. Smith knows she can count on you to care for Ivy and knows Ivy is is safe and happy. I am also busting my buttons that you are earning your own money and adding it to your college fund. You are something else!!!!

Things a little dicey at your house? Even more the reason to write an affirming note. Glad we had that meeting of the minds last night. Though we may not agree on a few house rules, I know we agree that we love each other and will both strive to come up with a workable solution. I miss that beautiful smile at the dinner table. Let's talk.

You're the parent. Who better knows all the good things about your teen. Hey, you've got bragging rights! Write a little something or write a lot. Then,  pass it on. It's important.  chrissie

Twenty Things to Pack for College

Happened on some great insight this week.  Dr, Karin L.Smithson, contributor to the Huffington Post, offers some sage advice for those young men and women starting college this fall.  The advice is practical and the advice is right on.  Now, if only they will listen! chrissie

As college doors start to swish and swing open, slurping young people back in for fall classes, I feel compelled to put my hand up and say, "Wait, you forgot something."
I have something I want to tell them before they head back up the university's hill to walk new halls, meet new faces and make new decisions that could change their lives. As they pack up their cars for campus, I want to plop myself down in their front seats and tell them what they need to know. What I wish I had known.
Here is what I would say:
-----------------------------------------
Precious young person, before you leave, can you turn off your phone and let me share something valuable with you? I know you think I am too old to understand you, but I promise, some days I feel closer to your age than I do my own. I haven't forgotten.
What I see in front of me is a life that is valuable and worth more than you can possibly know today. I hope to save you a lot of time, pain and regret, if you listen to what I wish I'd heard before I put the car into drive. ...
The 20 Things I Wish Someone Told Me at 20:
1. Hold tight to your real friends and don't forget the closeness that you feel now.
It is real, and over time, life will try to tease those connections away. They will mean everything.
2. Although you're smart ... your brain isn't done maturing. Listen to your parents more than you want. REALLY.
Your brain doesn't fully connect all of the dots until you're about 23. Trust me. Trust THEM.
3. Keep the joy of being 'in the moment.'
You will have to focus on the future so much as you get older -- being mindful to the moment becomes a lost gift (you do this better than we do).
4. You will miss your youthful body one day -- love it and take care of it.
There will come a day when you become nostalgic for all of those body parts that you don't like now. Take care of them, exercise and enjoy the freedom of your abilities.
5. If someone has cut you down, that is about THEM, not YOU.
Unkind words are often used to cut a strong person down to make the insecure one feel better. Don't let them stick.
6. Apologize: mean it & make it better.
Say "I'm sorry," drop your ego and fix things humbly, without excuses.
7. Education is THAT important.
With 100% certainty, you will be proud of your degrees ... and you will regret it if you don't complete them.
8. You can say NO to sexual contact.
You own your body. Walking away is tough in the moment, but your spirit will thank you. And, trust me, in later years, those decisions will fill you and your partner with pride.
9. Whatever you POST is PERMANENT.
Envision that picture, video or comment being pushed across the desk to you as you interview for your first job.
10. Trust the calling on your heart.
Don't quiet the voice inside your spirit. DO the work to get where you are called to go ... even if it is not where someone else thinks you should be going.
11. Spirituality/Religion will be what saves you when the world goes out.
Always keep a personal spiritual relationship with God - this will guide you, strengthen you & bring you peace. Pray. Meditate. Listen. Every day.
12. Travel.
Seize any (safe) opportunity to journey to a new place, immerse in a new culture, or experience new landscape. Your mind will open in immeasurable ways.
13. Don't poison yourself. Don't smoke. Don't take drugs. Don't drink soda.
Toxins affect your outward beauty, the way you radiate, and the way that people experience you. Treat your body as purely as possible. It will show.
14. Consider the other side of the story.
Listen to someone that you don't agree with - ask them where they came from and why they feel the way they do, without judgment. Be OPEN.
15. Talk yourself out of the need to compare yourself.
Strive to be the best YOU, not a copy of the person next to you. Know your strengths. Don't belittle your weaknesses.
16. Talk to your educators. Ask for help. Be known and be memorable.
By being known, teachers will be more invested in you and your success. You might also gain a mentor.
17. Love your parents. Love your grandparents.
Look them in the eye and listen to their stories. Honor their lives and the legacies of those before you. You never know when it is going to be too late.
18. People will treat you the way that you allow them to.
You have half the power to determine how every relationship goes as a whole. Be empowered to keep positive people close and negative people at bay. You do have a choice.
19. Pay attention to how people treat their parents ... and their waiters.
The way a potential partner treats his/her parents is a good predictor of how they will be in a marriage. The way they treat a waiter (or any service person) shows you their character.

20. Listen to your still, small voice.
God gave you a spirit that speaks to you from that spot deep in your core. You can feel it give you a stinging "bzzzz" when you should not be somewhere, and a feel-good "lalalala!" when you are in a very good place. Trust those GUT feelings. Your intuition is your superpower -- use it and you will diminish your chance for regret ... and increase your chance for wonderfulness.