I take my nine-year-old granddaughter to gymnastics every week. It's a long drive across town, giving us some time to chat and catch up. I look forward to our commute. Tonight, between wanting the lights on her house to look like the Griswalds this Christmas and that a new friend at class believes in ghosts, she threw out a boy in her class told someone that he " liked" her. Keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel, I casually asked her, "what do you think about that?" "Not too much, she answered. My daddy says I have to be driving a car before I can have any boyfriend but him."
Sigh.
Safe for now. But in the blink of an eye, her Father won't have a chance.
Does it seem to you that your pre-teen
daughter has gone boy crazy? Here are
some things that you may be seeing in your new boy-crazy pre-teen:
* She may call or text a boy she likes ten or more times a day.
* She may dress differently and lose interest in school, sports and other activities.
* She may become distant and private.
There are ways that you can discourage
this behavior in your pre-teen as they are neither capable physically
nor emotionally with dealing with serious relationships at their
young age.
You can discourage early
dating and other boy-girl activities. Kids need a time to be with
same sex friends to learn social and intimacy skills. Girls who
start dating before they are psychologically or socially ready
may not know appropriate ways to act in close relationships with
the opposite sex and can feel pressured to imitate older teens
or show "maturity".
Most importantly you should reinforce your
daughter's self-esteem, helping her to discover her intrinsic
value as a person and her unique strengths and talents, Too often,
girls enter the teens with harmful social conditioning--believing
that if they don't have boyfriends, they have nothing.
A pre-teen girl who is confident and sure of herself will not look to anyone else to make her feel good about herself. She knows who she is and where she wants to go. She pursues her own interests and stands up for herself and what she believes in. She has developed close friendships with other young girls who are also confident and open. She doesn't take herself too seriously. She been given the tools by her parents that help her navigate successfully through the teen years and on to college. Our beautiful pre-teen is on the road to a happy life.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Back to the Future
Dear Duchess,
I had a ridiculous moment in the car on the way home from work on Friday. "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe was on the radio.
If you're not familiar with the song (and since you weren't a teenager in the '90s, there's a good chance you're not), it is an overwrought ballady barf of a song about some teenagers who didn't take some advice and then one of them dies, or something, and at some point in a made up future the singer is wailing about how innocent they were, and how it wasn't their fault because they were MERELY FRESHMEN!!!
HEYEEEEEAAAHEEEAAEEEAAAEAAEAAEAOOOOOHHHEEEAAEAAEAHH!!!
Anyway, I love that song. I love it because it takes me back to a very specific point in my life, where I too was innocent and nothing was my fault and things happened that seemed much more important than anyone besides myself thought they were, and I couldn't control them, and that really upset me because we WERE MERELY FRESHMEN!!!
HEEEYYAHEAAEAEAAEAAEAOOHHEEAAEAEAAEAAEAAAH!!!
So there I am, singing along to this wonderfully awful song, and the strangest thing happened. I thought of you and started tearing up a little in the car. Not 2-year-old you, 15-year-old you.
Why? Well, I started crying because I realized at some point during the second chorus that I had completely forgotten how incredibly hard it was to be a teenager.
Dear Duchess,
(I call you Duchess on the blog because in 2013, we have this illusion we call privacy),
You know that thing that is going on that you think is the most important thing to happen in the history of you... or even of the world? You know, the one that has your stomach all balled up and tears leaking out from your eyes every time you tilt your head the wrong way? It's that problem that has everyone telling you that they know how you feel because they've experienced some bastardized form of said problem, and if you just give it some time, everything will feel better and you'll look back on it and laugh. I need you to know something. It is the most important thing in the world, and knowing that someday you may or may not care about it isn't going to make you feel any better. Perspective is only valuable once you have it, and right about now your perspective is telling you screw perspective." I'm on board with that. Because whether something is the end of the world, or it just feels like the end of the world, it still FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD!
Here's the hard part for me: Not only can I not fix that thing that is eating you up inside, I'm probably too old and detached from what you're going through to even understand it. Old me is going to look at you and tell you I love you, and you're going to scream at me that your life is over and that I will never understand, and you're right about at least half of that. I probably won't ever understand you. But I did once. I promise.
When I was a teenager, I parked my car in an alley once and screamed at the top of my lungs while repeatedly slamming my fists into the steering wheel. I sat, balled up, on the floor of my shower one time and cried until the water was ice cold. I wrote poems for girls. I dreamt of being liked and being popular and getting the part in the musical or the position on the football team. I longed for those I couldn't have and lost those I did have. I went through long patches of my life where I felt immensely lonely. And every time, I didn't know if it was the end of the world or if it just felt like it -- and I didn't care. And it was only made worse by the fact that my awesome and loving parents just didn't get it. And now I'm the parent who doesn't get it. So, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that future me doesn't understand. 2013 me does. Maybe in the future, you'll be able to upload a hologram of 2013 me and tell me about how much of a jerk I've become. I'll compliment you on your laser hair and you'll complain about how future me hates that it cost $4,500 dollars. Then I'll go to give you a hug, and you'll go to hug me back and you'll fall on the floor because I'm a hologram. We'll laugh a little and that will make hologram-me happy, or at least appear happy since I most likely won't have emotions because I'm a hologram. Then you'll say good night, turn hologram me off, and switch your iPillow to the classic rock station where, I hope to god, "The Freshman" by The Verve Pipe is playing. Because, while future me may not understand what you're going through, The Verve Pipe always will.
I love you, honey,
Still Kind-of Cool Dad from 2013
P.S. HEYEEEEAAAHEEEAAEEEAAAEAAEAAEAOOOOOHHHEEAAEAAEAAEAAA!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1umEXpGHc0E&feature=player_embedded
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Sugar and Spice?
Eight years ago, when my eight-year-old daughter was sweet as sugar and my then 5-year-old son a holy terror, someone wise said to me "It all changes when they become teenagers." While my now 16-year-old daughter is still as sweet as sugar and my 13-year-old son limits his terrorizing to the soccer field, there are definitely some changes.
Here are 6 things only a mother of a teenage girl understands:
1) It's OK for them to have secrets, even though we are hurt when they keep them from us.
While we miss hearing every detail of their school day and activities, teenage girls like to keep some things to themselves. Actually what they like to do is tell their friends, instead of us. That's an ouch. While we know that moving their confidences from us to their BFFs du jour is just part of the independence process and not a bad thing, we suspect that all moms initially will feel a little hurt. I sure did.
The first time my daughter slammed the top down on her laptop when I came into the room, I assumed she was up to no good. "What are you looking at?" I asked.
"Nothing," came the reply.
"Not nothing," I escalated. Turns out she had been innocently Skyping with some friends about homework. So why slamming shut the laptop before I could see? Because feeling that they have their own lives makes teenage girls happy.
Sometimes, you just need to allow them to draw some boundaries.
2) PMS is real.
Yowsa, is it ever. It's important to know that later that week, there will be apologies offered for every door slam, eye roll and "you wouldn't understand." Little brothers know to steer clear and that this isn't the time to put their stinky feet in their PMS-ing face or ask their Big Sister to play Minecraft with them unless they have a death wish.
It's hormonal. A force larger than them takes occupancy of their bodies and they become the scene in the Exorcist where the little girl's head spins around her neck. It is awful; it is ugly; it is best to stay away.
3) It is better to let their Dads teach them to drive.
In my family, teaching my 16-year-old daughter to drive has several rules. Chief among them is that nobody tells me when she was behind the wheel until it is after the fact.
Teaching a teenage girl to drive is something that Dads start and Moms finish. It isn't that Dads are more patient or smarter or better drivers. It's that they see the driving lesson as an opportunity to listen to the game on the radio without interruption, unless of course, she crashes. This makes them happy and more relaxed -- again, unless of course she crashes. And Moms, well, we are nervous wrecks and nervous wrecks don't make for good driving instructors.
4) The best you can hope for is that they make their own mistakes, not repeat yours.
Lectures, warnings, stories of your failures shared from a deep place in your heart may stop them from doing the things that caused your own mother to go gray. But rest assured, mistakes will be made -- just different ones. It feels to us that the risk bar is so much higher now than when we were growing up and screaming at The Beatles was seen as an act of revolution. And because we are so convinced that today's dangers are so much more, well, dangerous that we want to just shout louder, shake our teenage daughters by the shoulders more. It won't matter. You just need to trust that everything that came before will kick into play and they will make smart choices. And when they don't, that they know you will still love them and will do your best to fix it because that's what moms do.
5) Sex isn't a four-letter word.
Moms spend a lot of time worried about how and when their daughters will become sexually active. The worst advice someone shared with me was this: Put a condom in her purse and hope she remembers to use it. Not that simple. I started talking to my now-teenage daughter about sex when she was five or so -- using age-appropriate language, of course. I explained how a girl's body changes, how she would feel, etc. But in addition to teaching her about the act of sex, I also taught her the difference between sport-sex and intimacy. Sex in a loving relationship feels much different than a one-night stand. So far, so good.
6) Diet is a four-letter word.
I used to tell people that as a size 10, I would always be considered 30 pounds overweight in Los Angeles. I meant it as a joke, but like all good jokes, sometimes there is a grain of truth in it. I stopped saying it when my daughter became a teenager. Body image is huge in the lives of teenage girls. They stand in front of the mirror for hours, twisting and turning and trying to decide if the comfy jeans they wore last week are now Public Enemy No. 1.
I want my daughter to be healthy (she is), exercise (she does), and appreciate how good food can complement your life (she has always had an inquisitive palate). We don't talk about dieting; we talk about maintaining good health and doing right by our bodies. And we also talk a lot about how some girls don't eat right. And yes, I know enough not to bring it up when she is PMS-ing
Monday, October 28, 2013
Teens Driving Teens
AAA has a great website with lots of information about teens and driving. What follows are statistics and facts about young drivers with young passengers. It may give you some ammunition to set boundaries and rules as your son or daughter first begins take the car.
WASHINGTON (October 11, 2012) – Risky behaviors among 16- and 17-year-old drivers involved in fatal crashes increased when teen passengers were present according to a study presented today by AAA and conducted by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety. With motor vehicle crashes ranking as the leading cause of death for teens, AAA is calling for greater parental involvement and stronger graduated driver’s licensing programs to promote road safety.
The new research, released as part of Teen Driver Safety Week (Oct. 14-20), shows that the prevalence of risky behaviors generally grew for 16- and 17-year-old drivers as the number of teen passengers increased. Among 16- and 17-year-old drivers involved in fatal crashes:
- The prevalence of speeding increased from 30 percent to 44 percent and 48 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
- The prevalence of late-night driving (11 p.m. to 5 a.m.) increased from 17 percent to 22 percent and 28 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
- The prevalence of alcohol use increased from 13 percent to 17 percent and 18 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
“Mixing young drivers with teen passengers can have dangerous consequences,” said AAA President & CEO Robert Darbelnet. “AAA urges parents to set and consistently enforce family rules that limit newly licensed teens from driving with young passengers.”Additional Resources
The AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety analyzed data on fatal crashes that occurred in the United States from 2005 through 2010. The report documents the prevalence of passengers ages 13-19 in fatal crashes involving drivers age 16 and 17, and examines the characteristics of those crashes according to age, sex and number of teen passengers present. Researchers found that 9,578 drivers age 16 and 17 were involved in fatal crashes, and that 3,994 of these included at least one teen passenger.
“Teen crashes remain a huge problem nationwide,” said AAA Foundation President and CEO Peter Kissinger. “Our past research clearly shows how young passengers substantially increase a novice driver’s risk of being in a fatal crash, and these new findings underscore the need to refocus our efforts, to address the problem, from state legislatures to parents.”
AAA recommends that all states adopt and enforce a comprehensive three-stage (learner’s permit, intermediate/probationary license, full/unrestricted license) graduated license system for novice drivers. These programs should limit driving at night and driving with young passengers, among other provisions designed to help novice drivers gain the skills and experience associated with responsible driving behavior.
“Graduated driver licensing programs have been shown to greatly reduce crashes, injuries and deaths for everyone on the road when they limit new teen drivers to no more than one passenger,” continued Darbelnet. “Steps parents can take, such as setting and enforcing a parent-teen driving agreement, can build on state laws to improve safety by gradually easing teens into driving.”
This study builds on a AAA Foundation report released in May that shows how risk of death in a traffic crash for 16- and 17-year-old drivers increases by 44 percent when carrying one passenger younger than 21, doubles with two and quadruples with three or more younger passengers, compared with driving alone. A previous study by the AAA Foundation found that potentially distracting loud conversation and horseplay were substantially more common with multiple teenage passengers in the vehicle than with siblings or adult passengers.
Teen drivers face a number of safety challenges including:
- Teenage drivers are involved in more crashes per mile than drivers of any other age group.
- Drivers aged 16 to 17 are involved in about seven times as many crashes per mile driven compared to drivers in their forties, fifties or sixties.
- Teenage drivers are overrepresented in crashes that result in the death of other people, such as their passengers, pedestrians or occupants of other vehicles.
.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Your WIsh is my Command
Is Our Guilt Causing Their Greed?
American teenagers are spending more than my father took home in his paycheck when I was a kid, and more than I received in my first job out of college. My father toiled in the textile mills for his money. My first job was teaching fourth grade. Our teens get more than $104 every week...for doing nothing. That's right, $104 a week! According to a national survey conducted by marketing firm Teenage Marketing Unlimited, the average American teenager spent over $104 per week in 2001.
The survey revealed that close to two-thirds of that $104 is spent on whatever the teens desire, while the remainder is spent mostly on feeding themselves. Nice work if you can get it. But evidently work has little, if anything to do with the cash teens carry in their pockets. Their parents give it to them with no strings like work or responsibilities attached to it. Ask or don't ask and you shall receive...a lot of money. That's the commandment at the core of parents turning their kids into carefree big-spenders.
I'm worried about this. We've already begun experiencing some of the dire consequences resulting from our teens' profligate spending habits. Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, cites young adults under age 25 as the most rapidly growing group of bankruptcy filers. It appears that providing our teens with all this spending money might be creating generations of financially irresponsible adults. Teens see their parents as impetuous, conspicuous consumers who view considerable credit-card debt as an accepted way of life. The sins of the father...
What brought us to the place where teenagers feel entitled to cell phones, expensive brand-name clothing and the newest, high-priced electronic gadgetry? Have we and our children adopted the mantra from the movie, Wall Street -- he who has the most toys when he dies wins? How can we deny our teenagers' demands for CD burners and beepers when we feverishly acquire as many possessions as possible in a vain attempt to purchase immediate satisfaction and status?
During this last decade of unparalleled prosperity, the marketers have persuaded us that greed is not only good, but also necessary and natural. Then they took a look at the largest group of teenagers in our country's history and started marketing directly to them. Apparently they've taught them well. Teenage Research Unlimited reports that teenage spending has risen from $122 billion per year to $172 billion per year over the past five years. Our nation's teens may be failing standardized tests in alarming numbers, but they seem to be getting high marks in Greed 101.
Not only greed, but also guilt, drives us to dole out the discretionary big bucks to our adolescents. We spend more time at work than ever before. The dual-career family is commonplace. About half of our marriages end in divorce. Almost one-third of us are single parents. We are overwhelmed trying to balance our work and family lives. It's "I'm sorry that I'm not home more" money, "Sorry that we don't eat dinner as a family" money and "Sorry that I don't really know much about your life" money. We feel just plain sorry...and guilty.
Truth be known, your teenagers want more of you, not more money from you. That's what the studies say. That's what teens tell me. Don't bet that more cash can replace more of you. Stop feeling guilty. Put away your wallet. Spend more time with your teens. Show them that you care who they are and that you are genuinely interested in their lives. Maybe then you won't feel so compelled to show them the money.
American teenagers are spending more than my father took home in his paycheck when I was a kid, and more than I received in my first job out of college. My father toiled in the textile mills for his money. My first job was teaching fourth grade. Our teens get more than $104 every week...for doing nothing. That's right, $104 a week! According to a national survey conducted by marketing firm Teenage Marketing Unlimited, the average American teenager spent over $104 per week in 2001.
The survey revealed that close to two-thirds of that $104 is spent on whatever the teens desire, while the remainder is spent mostly on feeding themselves. Nice work if you can get it. But evidently work has little, if anything to do with the cash teens carry in their pockets. Their parents give it to them with no strings like work or responsibilities attached to it. Ask or don't ask and you shall receive...a lot of money. That's the commandment at the core of parents turning their kids into carefree big-spenders.
I'm worried about this. We've already begun experiencing some of the dire consequences resulting from our teens' profligate spending habits. Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, cites young adults under age 25 as the most rapidly growing group of bankruptcy filers. It appears that providing our teens with all this spending money might be creating generations of financially irresponsible adults. Teens see their parents as impetuous, conspicuous consumers who view considerable credit-card debt as an accepted way of life. The sins of the father...
What brought us to the place where teenagers feel entitled to cell phones, expensive brand-name clothing and the newest, high-priced electronic gadgetry? Have we and our children adopted the mantra from the movie, Wall Street -- he who has the most toys when he dies wins? How can we deny our teenagers' demands for CD burners and beepers when we feverishly acquire as many possessions as possible in a vain attempt to purchase immediate satisfaction and status?
During this last decade of unparalleled prosperity, the marketers have persuaded us that greed is not only good, but also necessary and natural. Then they took a look at the largest group of teenagers in our country's history and started marketing directly to them. Apparently they've taught them well. Teenage Research Unlimited reports that teenage spending has risen from $122 billion per year to $172 billion per year over the past five years. Our nation's teens may be failing standardized tests in alarming numbers, but they seem to be getting high marks in Greed 101.
Not only greed, but also guilt, drives us to dole out the discretionary big bucks to our adolescents. We spend more time at work than ever before. The dual-career family is commonplace. About half of our marriages end in divorce. Almost one-third of us are single parents. We are overwhelmed trying to balance our work and family lives. It's "I'm sorry that I'm not home more" money, "Sorry that we don't eat dinner as a family" money and "Sorry that I don't really know much about your life" money. We feel just plain sorry...and guilty.
Truth be known, your teenagers want more of you, not more money from you. That's what the studies say. That's what teens tell me. Don't bet that more cash can replace more of you. Stop feeling guilty. Put away your wallet. Spend more time with your teens. Show them that you care who they are and that you are genuinely interested in their lives. Maybe then you won't feel so compelled to show them the money.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Get Up Off That Couch
Have you seen on the news that Florida schools are sending home BMI (Body Mass Index) readings on their students? The districts then recommend weight loss and exercise for children who are too heavy. It is up for debate on whether schools are overstepping their bounds, but its no secret that America's children and youth are sedentary and overweight. Family Education.com offers the following suggestions for getting our kids moving and healthier.
Teens Need More Exercise
The medical community has been sounding the alarm: America's kids are in worse physical shape than they were 20 years ago. This is particularly appalling since overweight teens often grow into overweight adults, and overweight adults develop more heart disease, diabetes, gout, and arthritis. The New England Journal of Medicine reported that obese teenagers in the top 25 percent of their weight categories have twice the death rate in their 70s as men and women who were thin as teens.
Every time our teens sprawl in front of the TV, their metabolism slows to a crawl. Researchers at Memphis State University and the University of Tennessee explored the link several years ago and were startled to find that kids' metabolisms were lower while they were watching television than when they were resting and doing nothing at all! The typical teen now spends almost 30 hours a week in front of the tube, while eating high-fat snacks.
Who's going to step in and prod teens off those cushy couches? That's right: It's up to us, as parents, to help them find ways of living a healthy lifestyle. But where do we start?
Great Exercises for Teens
Aerobic exercise is perfect for teens who are independent and like variety. Some possibilities include running, in-line skating, cycling, swimming, power- or race-walking, tennis, full-court basketball, aerobic dancing, kick-boxing, Tae Bo, hockey, soccer, rowing, elliptical trainer, cross-country skiing, jumping rope, racquetball, handball, ice-skating, and trampoline. The American Heart Association suggests that teens raise their heart rates for 20 minutes without stopping, three or more times a week. Reassure your teen that aerobic exercise, when done correctly, shouldn't resemble running timed laps in gym class, when many kids feel like their lungs are ready to burst and their legs are on fire. This isn't about "no pain, no gain" it's about choosing fun physical fitness activities that also make you sweat and breathe a little harder.
Exercise should never hurt, although a little muscle soreness can be expected, especially in the initial weeks of a workout program. Be sure your teen knows the importance of stretching and warming up. And keep in mind that out-of-shape kids should start out slowly, since they are more prone to serious injury if they do too much too soon.
Ten Arguments for Exercising
Teens are great at coming up with reasons not to exercise, so be ready to give them incentives to get fit. Here are 10 pro-exercise arguments to present to your teen:
10. Running and walking are convenient. All you have to do is walk out the door and put one foot in front of the other. No need for pools, courts, or fields.
9. Running doesn't cost much. Splurge on good running shoes, but go the el-cheapo route for shorts, t-shirts, and sweats.
8. Your heart becomes more efficient at pumping blood and oxygen through your body every time you exercise aerobically. You'll think more clearly. You'll also raise HDL levels (high density lipoprotein) in your arteries to protect you from heart attacks and strokes when you get really old -- like in your 40s and 50s!
7. It's an awesome time to chat with friends. (And talking slows your pace, so you'll exercise longer.)
6. It's a perfect time to be alone and think. You'll be blown away by the creative thoughts -- ideas for research papers, ways to end that fight with your best friend, and what to say to that cute kid in the neighborhood.
5. The benefits of cross-training extend to all sports you do. Aerobic exercise conditions your body to perform longer, faster, and more efficiently. Wait until your coach sees you play soccer or baseball!
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/exercise/29461.html#ixzz2hHgdyd4R
Teens Need More Exercise
The medical community has been sounding the alarm: America's kids are in worse physical shape than they were 20 years ago. This is particularly appalling since overweight teens often grow into overweight adults, and overweight adults develop more heart disease, diabetes, gout, and arthritis. The New England Journal of Medicine reported that obese teenagers in the top 25 percent of their weight categories have twice the death rate in their 70s as men and women who were thin as teens.
Every time our teens sprawl in front of the TV, their metabolism slows to a crawl. Researchers at Memphis State University and the University of Tennessee explored the link several years ago and were startled to find that kids' metabolisms were lower while they were watching television than when they were resting and doing nothing at all! The typical teen now spends almost 30 hours a week in front of the tube, while eating high-fat snacks.
Who's going to step in and prod teens off those cushy couches? That's right: It's up to us, as parents, to help them find ways of living a healthy lifestyle. But where do we start?
Great Exercises for Teens
Aerobic exercise is perfect for teens who are independent and like variety. Some possibilities include running, in-line skating, cycling, swimming, power- or race-walking, tennis, full-court basketball, aerobic dancing, kick-boxing, Tae Bo, hockey, soccer, rowing, elliptical trainer, cross-country skiing, jumping rope, racquetball, handball, ice-skating, and trampoline. The American Heart Association suggests that teens raise their heart rates for 20 minutes without stopping, three or more times a week. Reassure your teen that aerobic exercise, when done correctly, shouldn't resemble running timed laps in gym class, when many kids feel like their lungs are ready to burst and their legs are on fire. This isn't about "no pain, no gain" it's about choosing fun physical fitness activities that also make you sweat and breathe a little harder.
Exercise should never hurt, although a little muscle soreness can be expected, especially in the initial weeks of a workout program. Be sure your teen knows the importance of stretching and warming up. And keep in mind that out-of-shape kids should start out slowly, since they are more prone to serious injury if they do too much too soon.
Ten Arguments for Exercising
Teens are great at coming up with reasons not to exercise, so be ready to give them incentives to get fit. Here are 10 pro-exercise arguments to present to your teen:
10. Running and walking are convenient. All you have to do is walk out the door and put one foot in front of the other. No need for pools, courts, or fields.
9. Running doesn't cost much. Splurge on good running shoes, but go the el-cheapo route for shorts, t-shirts, and sweats.
8. Your heart becomes more efficient at pumping blood and oxygen through your body every time you exercise aerobically. You'll think more clearly. You'll also raise HDL levels (high density lipoprotein) in your arteries to protect you from heart attacks and strokes when you get really old -- like in your 40s and 50s!
7. It's an awesome time to chat with friends. (And talking slows your pace, so you'll exercise longer.)
6. It's a perfect time to be alone and think. You'll be blown away by the creative thoughts -- ideas for research papers, ways to end that fight with your best friend, and what to say to that cute kid in the neighborhood.
5. The benefits of cross-training extend to all sports you do. Aerobic exercise conditions your body to perform longer, faster, and more efficiently. Wait until your coach sees you play soccer or baseball!
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/exercise/29461.html#ixzz2hHgdyd4R
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Hard Headed -So What's New?
Willful 13-Year-Old
Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW
Q: We are parents of a 13-year-old who
is extremely willful. We've tried appealing to him as an adult because
he says we don't use the same standards with him -- that doesn't work.
We tried punishment in the form of taking away privileges from him. It
works for the short-term, but not long-term. He always says that we
don't listen to him, but we do. I know it sounds typical, but we are
stymied.
A: Of course your situation sounds
typical, you are a POA (Parent of an Adolescent). Just because your
situation has all the components of healthy parent-teen conflict doesn't
mean it's not troublesome, both for you and your son. First, appealing
to him as a responsible adult probably is not going to work; he's
probably, in adult terms, a rather irresponsible teenager. Punishment as
opposed to disciplining with natural consequences is also not going to
work, as you have discovered. Your boy is now being pushed and pulled
between the "comforts" of being the "little kid" he used to be and the
"big kid-adult" he wants to be (but can't quite pull off). Maybe it
would be wise for you and your wife to think back to when you were his
age and try to remember whether you were "willful" at all or whether you
and your parents didn't quite see eye to eye on many matters.
During these teen years where he is attempting to establish an identity independent from you, there will be much contrariness and many disagreements; he will be ruled more by his desire to fit into his peer group than by a desire to live by your rules. We need to still love our youngsters unconditionally during these years; we also need to "walk and talk" the values and principles that are the foundations of our family life. Our teens will be ever vigilant to point out any hypocrisy on our part (you just had alcohol and drove a car!). We can communicate that we respect them and trust them to be honest, considerate, responsible, etc., while letting them know that they, like you, are expected to live by the values that define who your family is.
Teens need to know there are natural consequences to all their actions. They need you to let them experience the natural results of their misbehavior; you need to separate the deed from the doer when giving the appropriate natural consequences. Despite their insistence that they don't need you to set up rules for their lives anymore, it is especially important during these tumultuous adolescent years that you show them the strength of your love and the strength of your values. When all else around them can appear to dramatically change in a moment's notice, you will, for the most part, remain his dependable (and, of course, often aggravating) nurturing parents.
I'm sure you will abide by and love and discipline your son (in the midst of constant changes in mood) as well as anyone can during these temperamental but also wondrous years.
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