Were you ever accosted by those playground bullies who take your milk money or make you give them your tennis shoes? Yeh, well, that's not who I'm talking about. I'm referring to the little extrotionists living right under your own roof.
We all learn to extort to a degree, I guess, transfixed by owning material wealth or getting our way. It's common to hear a child say, "I will love you, Mommy/Daddy, if you_________." In extreme cases sometimes love really is extorted or used as a means of extortion by children and adults alike. Fortunately, most people use that phrase only facetiously.
But, the kind of extortion I am talking about is subtle and different. It consists of cell phone bills and car/insurance payments, clothes and college tuition. Maybe there's even food thrown in there somewhere and a Sony Wii. Maybe it's not even our kids extorting us, but us extroting ourselves for our kids.
I was listening to three economists on NPR discussing the appropriate time to stop paying for a child's cell phone bill. Many parents keep paying for a cell phone as long as their child is in college (I know I am), but now parents are continuing to pay until the child (is 25 a child?) is established financially. The three men (also dads) on NPR agreed this is foolish. This would not have even been considered in olden days (20 or 30 years ago).
Don't get me wrong, helping out is one thing. Like, buying one's adult child a new set of tires, or helping a teen get a first car. But, to continue to provide unnecessary goods and services in perpetuity for our kids, no. We trick ourselves or are tricked, though, in so many ways. Guilt is a really effective means of extortion. Some things I've heard people say:
"Well, you want me to be successful, don't you?"
"But, how can I call you, if I don't have a cell phone?"
"You're the one always wanting me to call every thirty minutes."
"Well, I can't get to my job, if I don't have a car."
"Everyone is going to have a new dress, and I'll look like an idiot. Is that what you want?"
"I'll just buy this new ____ (boat, flatscreen tv, computer, Wii), and it will give us more family time together."
We're not bad people. We only want the best for our children. We want them to have what we did or did not have when we were growing up. It has been a growing trend since World War II for parents to want the next generation to suffer less, have more, and it's reaching a crescendo. Our children are not bad people, either, but they do know how to play the game. But, when is enough, enough?
7 comments:
Enough is when the child is spending a lot of money on partying, and isn't keeping up his/her grades!
Enough is when they are not in school and are not working or are spending what they earn on things they can't afford!
Parents who continue to buy expensive clothing, cell phones, and even pay for "nights out", etc. for their kids who are not working or are working but spending their money foolishly is simply absurd to me!!
CaveDweller
I think we are so accustomed to our affluent society that we have stopped thinking about it rationally or logically. If we did, we could clearly see that we have prolonged adolescence to the point of absurdity. It is both the blessing and the curse of so many decades of prosperity. Rich people have been doing it for centuries. As long as people are not going into debt to fund their or their children's lifestyle, are there any other morally or ethically corrupt outcomes from continuing to support one's children?
Hi, CaveDweller. Yes, I think you are right. People can't just have things without any responsibility or earning of the priviledge - I guess that's what I meant by extortion. I don't think parents mean anything bad by continuing to provide those things undeservedly -I think they are hoping the child will come around through the generosity or finally come to his/her senses and see what the parent has sacrificed or done for them. That kind of understanding will come, but I hope the parent is able to wait twenty or thirty years!!
Dr. Seuss, I will have to think about the ethical and moral issues and get back to you.
There is usually a reasonable motivation behind people's actions which seems logical, at least at the time. People can do wrong things for very good reasons. If I were thinking critically about reasons why parents might prolong paying for their children's expenses, I might come up with the fact that most parents become financially stable after the kids have left home. Out of guilt at not having had the money while the kids were at home or just for the sheer pleasure of giving, parents might continue to buy things for their older children. Of course, others do it because they feel like they are buying the love of their children, only to find out later it was an empty love they were buying.
Dr. Seuss, I like your quote that good people can do wrong things for with good intentions. Still thinking about the moral implications of prolonging paying for one's children's expenses after the need has passed. Not teaching them to stand on their own?
I agree with you all to a certain extent. Yes, sometimes parents continue to baby their children into adulthood, but sometimes that extra help is really needed. For example, I literally cannot have a job because of where I go to school. Without my parents' help I couldn't afford anything other than food and possibly a few clothing items.
Post a Comment