Monday, April 28, 2008
Hallowed Halls and Ivy Walls
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Melony's information about paying for college is something to think about. So many American families live pay check to pay check. College five to ten years from now seems an easy financial obligation to put on the back burner. "There is lots of time." "We'll be in better financial shape then." "Precious is a 4th grade genius, I know she'll get a full scholarship when she graduates." "Did you see the way Little Jr. slammed that baseball? Colleges will be lined up for him to play for them."
Unless your statement begins, "Peggy Sue's trust fund......." do not assume money will magically appear when the time comes. It does not. Do not assume the astounding figures you see for four years of college is all it will cost. It isn't. Do not assume grants and scholarships happen just because your child is smart, or talented, or athletically gifted, or a minority, or a girl, or a boy, or handicapped, or whatever else is floating around out there. A friend of mine tells the story of his first day at Trinity University in San Antonio. The Freshman Dean stands before a room full of eager beavers and asks, "How many here were Valedictorian of their Senior class?" Pat proudly holds up his hand.........along with at least 80% of the audience. There are many worthy and outstanding 18 year olds, all vying for a limited number of scholarships and grants. Your child may catch the brass ring, and many do. But many others are welcomed by their university with open arms and a bursar bill.
This subject is near and dear to my heart. My daughter Catherine is graduating from The University of Oklahoma in two weeks. She is the third of our four to walk across the stage at Owens Field and the 4th Wagner is on target for 2010. When Tom graduates, we will have had at least one and sometimes 2 children in Norman for 14 straight years. My husband and I are very familiar with Bursar's bills.
Has it been a struggle? Sure it has. Have the sacrifices been worth it? Unquestionably.
Take it from someone who knows. Start saving now. Find ways to sock money away in a college savings plan as early as possible. Say, on your way home from the hospital after giving birth. Encourage your child to save toward college, not toward a new truck or a cell phone or a sound system or $125.00 tennis shoes. Make education a priority in your home. Make saving for college a focus.
I don't want to dissuade anyone from setting goals to attain scholarships. Academics, activities, leadership, service, all of these increase your child's chances of getting financial assistance. There are also lots of local scholarships that really help that first year. Encourage your senior to write the essays, fill out all the forms and apply for everything. That $250.00 scholarship goes a long way to cover first semester text books or student activity fees.
The college experience is broadening and enriching. Campus life offers new experiences and activities, exposure to new ideas and thought provoking intellectual debate. Lifelong friends are made and goals and aspirations are set. A positive four years opens up the world for a young adult. After graduation, that college degree opens up career choices, the vehicle to realize dreams, and the tools to make dreams come true.
When your children are small, don't make college a "maybe." Make it a "given." Make it the natural and assumed next step after high school. Include your kids in the loop. Let them know the sacrifices made, so higher education will be available when they graduate. Academics, financial planning, discipline and responsibility, long term goal setting, social skills, community involvement- these are all components that will make your home a setting for true "college prep."
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Counter is Ticking
Want to scare yourself to death? Visit Savingforcollege.com and calculate how much money you will need to save to put your child through college from beginning to end, all expenses paid. This sight calculates for you the amount of money you will need to save per month based on your child's current age.
If your child is 13, you have five years to save for college expenses. The "Simplest College Calculator" on the site can adjust for the amount you want to spend. For instance, if you just want to pay for 80 per cent of your child's expenses, expecting your child to work or get a partial scholarship to pay for the rest, you can adjust the calculator down.
If you want to pay for 100% of your child's college expenses, your child is 13, and you haven't saved a penny yet, you would need to start saving around $1,268 per month to afford that kind of an education. It only gets worse the older your child gets, if your child's college savings account is sitting at nil.
The site also has information on 529 College Savings Plans and other savings instruments, but you don't have to buy anything. As the parent of two college-aged children (one in law school) I would advise you to check out this web site today. It will give you an estimate of what you are facing in the way of college costs. You may as well pay yourself, as pay one of the college lending institutions.
Another thing to consider is that loan money is drying up. Restrictions for student achievement to get and maintain student loans are being tightened. If your child cannot maintain a 2.0, loan money probably won't be there anyway.
There are so many things to think about when factoring college costs. Education is the best way to understand the savings process, as well as the borrowing process. The counter is ticking and you want it to tick in your favor, not in interest from college loans.
If your child is 13, you have five years to save for college expenses. The "Simplest College Calculator" on the site can adjust for the amount you want to spend. For instance, if you just want to pay for 80 per cent of your child's expenses, expecting your child to work or get a partial scholarship to pay for the rest, you can adjust the calculator down.
If you want to pay for 100% of your child's college expenses, your child is 13, and you haven't saved a penny yet, you would need to start saving around $1,268 per month to afford that kind of an education. It only gets worse the older your child gets, if your child's college savings account is sitting at nil.
The site also has information on 529 College Savings Plans and other savings instruments, but you don't have to buy anything. As the parent of two college-aged children (one in law school) I would advise you to check out this web site today. It will give you an estimate of what you are facing in the way of college costs. You may as well pay yourself, as pay one of the college lending institutions.
Another thing to consider is that loan money is drying up. Restrictions for student achievement to get and maintain student loans are being tightened. If your child cannot maintain a 2.0, loan money probably won't be there anyway.
There are so many things to think about when factoring college costs. Education is the best way to understand the savings process, as well as the borrowing process. The counter is ticking and you want it to tick in your favor, not in interest from college loans.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Talk to Me
Remember how we communicated as kids? The old Dixie cups and a piece of string, stretched taut and tight. Our gang could never quite hear each other through them and ended up yelling back and forth. Upscale were the Walkie Talkies. They had a a range of about "out of earshot" and often there was more static than actual conversation. My brothers and neighborhood boys devised an elaborate signal system, using flags and secret symbols. I had a Brownie book that detailed how to make invisible ink using lemon juice. The message was revealed by holding the paper over a candle. Paula Bower and I promptly caught the carpet on fire.
Sometimes communicating with our teenagers seems just as difficult. Not only are the messages hard to decipher, the other participant seems less than willing to share the codes. What follows are some proven tools to help us (parents) communicate more effectively with them (adolescents). Thanks to Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-Coaster for the insight and suggestions.
Focus on connection more than communication
You're the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way
Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times
Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen's body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends behavior, etc
It is okay to negotiate on negotiable topics
Allow her to express her opinions
Treat him with respect no matter what
Invest in the emotional bank account you share
But what about when courteous listening and responding on the adult end is met with total opposition in return? Sure, we are to be the mature side, but it is difficult to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal slap in the face. Turning the other cheek is sometimes a hard thing to do. Your feelings deserve respect too.
When teens are non-communicative or very negative with us over a period of time, we need to explore if:
This child is in trouble and is in need of intervention
We are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
It is time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior
It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours
The million dollar question? Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? Blaney offers the following:
* Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, is with his parents.
* It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
*He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he does not understand or can't handle.
* He may be dealing with serious issues at school.
* He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself.
*He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable to do so.
If your parent radar is going off and the behavior seems more than normal- Evaluate your teen's behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity - How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior?
To gather information, "circle the wagons". Look to other adults in your child's life. Contact counselors, teachers and coaches. Speak with your youth pastor, adult friends, family-find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy.
Assess your family dynamics. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown.
The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting would be helpful. Schedule it in advance. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members.
Most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. Raising teens is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be lived. Children are a long term investment. With unconditional love and with practiced patience, weathering this storm of adolescence will reap benefits that last a lifetime.
Sometimes communicating with our teenagers seems just as difficult. Not only are the messages hard to decipher, the other participant seems less than willing to share the codes. What follows are some proven tools to help us (parents) communicate more effectively with them (adolescents). Thanks to Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-Coaster for the insight and suggestions.
Focus on connection more than communication
You're the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way
Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times
Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen's body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends behavior, etc
It is okay to negotiate on negotiable topics
Allow her to express her opinions
Treat him with respect no matter what
Invest in the emotional bank account you share
But what about when courteous listening and responding on the adult end is met with total opposition in return? Sure, we are to be the mature side, but it is difficult to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal slap in the face. Turning the other cheek is sometimes a hard thing to do. Your feelings deserve respect too.
When teens are non-communicative or very negative with us over a period of time, we need to explore if:
This child is in trouble and is in need of intervention
We are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
It is time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior
It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours
The million dollar question? Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? Blaney offers the following:
* Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, is with his parents.
* It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
*He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he does not understand or can't handle.
* He may be dealing with serious issues at school.
* He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself.
*He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable to do so.
If your parent radar is going off and the behavior seems more than normal- Evaluate your teen's behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity - How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior?
To gather information, "circle the wagons". Look to other adults in your child's life. Contact counselors, teachers and coaches. Speak with your youth pastor, adult friends, family-find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy.
Assess your family dynamics. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown.
The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting would be helpful. Schedule it in advance. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members.
Most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. Raising teens is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be lived. Children are a long term investment. With unconditional love and with practiced patience, weathering this storm of adolescence will reap benefits that last a lifetime.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Winning the Parent Lottery
Randy Pausch, computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University is dying of pancreatic cancer. Well, maybe I should say he is living of pancreatic cancer. Maybe you saw him on tv recently - I didn't, but wish I had. I picked up his book at the book store because I needed some inspiration put back in my life. Randy definitely has the market cornered on that.
Randy addresses topics of Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, Adventures, Enabling the Dreams of Others, and It's About How to Live Your Life in his book The Last Lecture. He has had phenomenal experiences in his life, but what struck me was how many times he mentions his parents in his lecture. He claims he won the parent lottery - what an awesome tribute to those people who brought him into the world.
Just what was so great about Randy's parents? His mother was an old-school English teacher who had definite expectations for her children, but allowed them the creative freedom to explore and express themselves. His father was a WW II veteran who had won the bronze star for saving fellow soldiers' lives, although Pausch never knew this until after his father's death. His dad also started a non-profit organization to help immigrant children learn English. Needless to say, these parents set the bar high.
Pausch says money was never an issue in their home, but his parents didn't buy much. Instead, they thought about everything. A dictionary was madatory at the dinner table. His mom and dad under-wrote a 50 student dormitory in Thailand. When Pausch recieved his PhD, his mother would introduce him as her doctor son, but "not the kind that helps people," always keeping his ego in check. Humility, compassion, integrity, achieving wealth in thrift while greatly enjoying life - these are the lessons his parents instilled.
Pausch may have won the parent lottery, but his parents didn't wait for fate or the lottery to determine their course of action. The lottery implies that the choice to be a good parent is out of our hands and that's not true. Everyday we can make a conscious decision to be the kind of parent a kid will still look up to when he/she is fifty or seventy or ninety, long after we are gone. Our kids may not have a choice about whom they get as parents, but we do have a choice about what kind of parents we are and what kind of leadership we provide for our children.
Randy addresses topics of Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, Adventures, Enabling the Dreams of Others, and It's About How to Live Your Life in his book The Last Lecture. He has had phenomenal experiences in his life, but what struck me was how many times he mentions his parents in his lecture. He claims he won the parent lottery - what an awesome tribute to those people who brought him into the world.
Just what was so great about Randy's parents? His mother was an old-school English teacher who had definite expectations for her children, but allowed them the creative freedom to explore and express themselves. His father was a WW II veteran who had won the bronze star for saving fellow soldiers' lives, although Pausch never knew this until after his father's death. His dad also started a non-profit organization to help immigrant children learn English. Needless to say, these parents set the bar high.
Pausch says money was never an issue in their home, but his parents didn't buy much. Instead, they thought about everything. A dictionary was madatory at the dinner table. His mom and dad under-wrote a 50 student dormitory in Thailand. When Pausch recieved his PhD, his mother would introduce him as her doctor son, but "not the kind that helps people," always keeping his ego in check. Humility, compassion, integrity, achieving wealth in thrift while greatly enjoying life - these are the lessons his parents instilled.
Pausch may have won the parent lottery, but his parents didn't wait for fate or the lottery to determine their course of action. The lottery implies that the choice to be a good parent is out of our hands and that's not true. Everyday we can make a conscious decision to be the kind of parent a kid will still look up to when he/she is fifty or seventy or ninety, long after we are gone. Our kids may not have a choice about whom they get as parents, but we do have a choice about what kind of parents we are and what kind of leadership we provide for our children.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Be Connected - Stay Connected
It's horrifying to watch. It's hard to miss. Turn on any news show and the video is endlessly played and discussed. Six girls lure a 16-year-old " friend" to a home with a phone call. She is met at the door by one girl while five others hide. As she walks into the trap two teens begin attacking her, slamming her head against the wall. When the ambushed girl regains consciousness, the girls take turns hitting her, all the while cheering one another on and videoing the thirty-minute attack. One voice is heard yelling: "There is only 17 seconds left, make it good." Two boys wait outside as lookouts.
All eight teens have been arrested for assault The victim apparently posted something against one of the girls on My Space. According to her attackers the girl deserved the treatment. Not one of the young women has showed any remorse for their deeds.
It's time for a reality check. This incident is not an isolated affair. Physical aggression among girls is a quickly growing trend. Statistics reveal that American girls are becoming as prone to violent behavior as boys. Dr Ruth Peters, a Today show contributor, sites the following:
· 20 years ago roughly ten boys were arrested for assault every one girl. That ratio is now four to one.
· Girls in gangs are just as likely to participate in beatings as boys.
· U.S. Department of Justice shows that in 1990 one in 50 juvenile arrests for all crimes is a girl. In 2003 one in three juvenile arrests for violent crimes is a girl.
· More than one in every four teens aged 13 to 15 who are arrested for aggravated assault is a girl.
The question is, why now? What has changed in our culture that triggers young women (and young men) to physically attack each other, seemingly without regret or remorse? Experts argue that video games, TV and movies, mass media, popular music and the Internet all glorify violence. There is a site to post fights on My Space called "Put Em On." That promised 15 minutes of fame further encourages the actions. It also validates and legitimizes the violence. Certainly, these examples are symptoms of a culture gone haywire, but these influences are unfortunately modeled by adult behaviors the kids come in contact with every day. Their actions are reflecting adult culture.
Sit a couple of times at a Little League game and watch a parent "lose it" over a call. Shows like Jerry Springer have made cat fighting a form of entertainment. A distraught Father murders his own children, just to get back at his wife. A college student dresses in black and methodically shoots anything moving, because of his own personal failures. Individuals drive by houses and fire guns out of the window, all in the name of "saving face." An inconvenient pregnancy is no big deal, thanks to Roe V/S Wade. Road Rage is how some deal with the frustration of merely driving a car. Could it be true? Is a society of screaming, vitriolic, short tempered and self- centered grown-ups raising America's children?
Remember Steve Martin's comment from the movie Parenthood ? "You have to have a license to go fishing but they put a live baby in your arms and let you walk straight out of the hospital." It's true. This infant is placed in our care, unfortunately, without any operating instructions. Mothers and Fathers have to go on instinct and what they themselves learned at their own parents knee. If the experience wasn't so great, statistics show the next generation won't be so great at parenting either.
American families must break this cycle. Kids cannot be cast adrift to raise themselves. Parents, get to your kids before the culture does. Then, when our children are faced with decisions, they will have the tools and the inner voices to make the right choices. Dr. Michael Bradley observes that parenting is a contact sport. Be connected with your children. Only through this connection will they learn what is right, what is good and what is true.
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All eight teens have been arrested for assault The victim apparently posted something against one of the girls on My Space. According to her attackers the girl deserved the treatment. Not one of the young women has showed any remorse for their deeds.
It's time for a reality check. This incident is not an isolated affair. Physical aggression among girls is a quickly growing trend. Statistics reveal that American girls are becoming as prone to violent behavior as boys. Dr Ruth Peters, a Today show contributor, sites the following:
· 20 years ago roughly ten boys were arrested for assault every one girl. That ratio is now four to one.
· Girls in gangs are just as likely to participate in beatings as boys.
· U.S. Department of Justice shows that in 1990 one in 50 juvenile arrests for all crimes is a girl. In 2003 one in three juvenile arrests for violent crimes is a girl.
· More than one in every four teens aged 13 to 15 who are arrested for aggravated assault is a girl.
The question is, why now? What has changed in our culture that triggers young women (and young men) to physically attack each other, seemingly without regret or remorse? Experts argue that video games, TV and movies, mass media, popular music and the Internet all glorify violence. There is a site to post fights on My Space called "Put Em On." That promised 15 minutes of fame further encourages the actions. It also validates and legitimizes the violence. Certainly, these examples are symptoms of a culture gone haywire, but these influences are unfortunately modeled by adult behaviors the kids come in contact with every day. Their actions are reflecting adult culture.
Sit a couple of times at a Little League game and watch a parent "lose it" over a call. Shows like Jerry Springer have made cat fighting a form of entertainment. A distraught Father murders his own children, just to get back at his wife. A college student dresses in black and methodically shoots anything moving, because of his own personal failures. Individuals drive by houses and fire guns out of the window, all in the name of "saving face." An inconvenient pregnancy is no big deal, thanks to Roe V/S Wade. Road Rage is how some deal with the frustration of merely driving a car. Could it be true? Is a society of screaming, vitriolic, short tempered and self- centered grown-ups raising America's children?
Remember Steve Martin's comment from the movie Parenthood ? "You have to have a license to go fishing but they put a live baby in your arms and let you walk straight out of the hospital." It's true. This infant is placed in our care, unfortunately, without any operating instructions. Mothers and Fathers have to go on instinct and what they themselves learned at their own parents knee. If the experience wasn't so great, statistics show the next generation won't be so great at parenting either.
American families must break this cycle. Kids cannot be cast adrift to raise themselves. Parents, get to your kids before the culture does. Then, when our children are faced with decisions, they will have the tools and the inner voices to make the right choices. Dr. Michael Bradley observes that parenting is a contact sport. Be connected with your children. Only through this connection will they learn what is right, what is good and what is true.
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Thursday, April 10, 2008
Parent Prom Night Talks #1
Proms have been inching up toward April for some time now. This year April 26th seems to be a popular date for this Junior-Senior event. It's not too early to start dropping hints about the harzards of drinking and driving during this time of year, or anytime for that matter.
With tougher penalties for drinking and driving and better education about alcohol abuse, instances of teen drunkeness appear to be waning. Sometimes it is hard to really tell, though, if a teen has developed a drinking or drug habit, especially if drinking (etc.) is taken for granted in your house. Teens are so good at hiding the signs and parents are so good at ignoring them.
How do you know if your teen has formed a dangerous habit? Parenting expert Alison Birnbaum suggests these warning signs:
1. Your child's relationships have suffered because he/she is no longer seen as being able to keep his/her word.
2. Your child's school work has suffered.
3. Your child has been treated or limited by a community institution: the school, the police, or the hospital.
4. Your child's habit continues even though it makes her/his life worse.
These signs are warnings that your child is in trouble and can't be ignored. Ideally, you have been talking about drinking and driving or other dangerous behaviors with your child more than just at Prom time. But, if you find the above warning signs manifesting themselves often, remain calm, investigate, and take the proper action. More often than not addiction is not the cause of the above symptoms, especially if they are isolated incidences. If they are prolonged, however, you need to take action.
Some great suggestions are found at the Parents: The Antidrug campaign. Google that or go to theantidrug.com. There are quizzes, articles, RSS feeds, and suggestions for help.
A safe and happy Prom night to all. Oh, and do wait up - it's one of the best ways to tell what's really going on.
With tougher penalties for drinking and driving and better education about alcohol abuse, instances of teen drunkeness appear to be waning. Sometimes it is hard to really tell, though, if a teen has developed a drinking or drug habit, especially if drinking (etc.) is taken for granted in your house. Teens are so good at hiding the signs and parents are so good at ignoring them.
How do you know if your teen has formed a dangerous habit? Parenting expert Alison Birnbaum suggests these warning signs:
1. Your child's relationships have suffered because he/she is no longer seen as being able to keep his/her word.
2. Your child's school work has suffered.
3. Your child has been treated or limited by a community institution: the school, the police, or the hospital.
4. Your child's habit continues even though it makes her/his life worse.
These signs are warnings that your child is in trouble and can't be ignored. Ideally, you have been talking about drinking and driving or other dangerous behaviors with your child more than just at Prom time. But, if you find the above warning signs manifesting themselves often, remain calm, investigate, and take the proper action. More often than not addiction is not the cause of the above symptoms, especially if they are isolated incidences. If they are prolonged, however, you need to take action.
Some great suggestions are found at the Parents: The Antidrug campaign. Google that or go to theantidrug.com. There are quizzes, articles, RSS feeds, and suggestions for help.
A safe and happy Prom night to all. Oh, and do wait up - it's one of the best ways to tell what's really going on.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Stuck Right In the Middle
Who is this stranger that is inhabiting your middle-schooler's body? Living with this child is like a 24 hour carnival. Roller coaster emotions that go up, up, up then downnnn. All sugar and sweet cotton candy then bam, gut wrenching nachos, loaded with angry jalapenos. The childlike notes of a Merry Go Round, drowned out by a brightly dressed carny, offering illicit and illegal thrills and chills. Smiles and cheers when the big teddy bear is won, or battered and bruised on the bumper car ride. This is a middle-schooler.
Put yourself in their place. You have been promoted. Moved up the ladder. You're delighted. More freedom. Whoops. It doesn't take long to see your work load has doubled. You have to spend more time at home on projects you regard as busy work. It seems like your boss does not trust you. He's always questioning, going through your papers, even reprimanding you about your untidy desk.
You don't know if your co-workers like you. They dress better, act more comfortable, all know each other. The other day, one of them criticizes you in front of everyone. It is so humiliating. Additionally, you feel lousy. You are so tired. It's hard to even get out of bed. And just look at yourself in the mirror. You feel too fat. You feel too thin. You are too round. You are flat as a pancake. You are too short. You are too tall. You look in glass and truly don't know who you are anymore.
Doesn't sound too fun does it? Welcome to your tween's world. It's easy to forget these kids are living in a pressure cooker. The world is changing quicker than they can adjust and compensate for. Charlene Giannetti, in her book, The Roller Coaster Years offers a short list of frustrations 10-15 year olds are dealing with.
They yearn for independence when they are still being told what to do by parents, teachers and older siblings.
They are the target of many advertising campaigns, yet have limited disposable income of their own.
They are obsessed with how they look just as nature is wreaking havoc on their bodies.
They yearn for peer acceptance while some of their peers make life miserable for them.
They worry about doing well in school, just as workload and responsibilities increase.
They are on the brink of adulthood, yet have trouble controlling childish impulses.
They are eager to voice their opinions, but they still have difficulty formulating coherent arguments.
They maintain a hectic schedule -at a time when their physical development demands they sleep more.
Parents of these tween-agers need to take a deep breath and then get ready. Gird your loins as the saying goes. Patience and consistency help keep your child centered and secure on the home front when the rest of their world seems topsy- turvy. Don't sweat the small stuff and stick to your guns on the important issues. Be specific on rules and expectations. Be flexible when it's possible. Insist on family time and family events. Build up, encourage, emphasize and listen. Then stand back in amazement as your child begins to begin their growing up life.
555555555555555555555555555
Put yourself in their place. You have been promoted. Moved up the ladder. You're delighted. More freedom. Whoops. It doesn't take long to see your work load has doubled. You have to spend more time at home on projects you regard as busy work. It seems like your boss does not trust you. He's always questioning, going through your papers, even reprimanding you about your untidy desk.
You don't know if your co-workers like you. They dress better, act more comfortable, all know each other. The other day, one of them criticizes you in front of everyone. It is so humiliating. Additionally, you feel lousy. You are so tired. It's hard to even get out of bed. And just look at yourself in the mirror. You feel too fat. You feel too thin. You are too round. You are flat as a pancake. You are too short. You are too tall. You look in glass and truly don't know who you are anymore.
Doesn't sound too fun does it? Welcome to your tween's world. It's easy to forget these kids are living in a pressure cooker. The world is changing quicker than they can adjust and compensate for. Charlene Giannetti, in her book, The Roller Coaster Years offers a short list of frustrations 10-15 year olds are dealing with.
They yearn for independence when they are still being told what to do by parents, teachers and older siblings.
They are the target of many advertising campaigns, yet have limited disposable income of their own.
They are obsessed with how they look just as nature is wreaking havoc on their bodies.
They yearn for peer acceptance while some of their peers make life miserable for them.
They worry about doing well in school, just as workload and responsibilities increase.
They are on the brink of adulthood, yet have trouble controlling childish impulses.
They are eager to voice their opinions, but they still have difficulty formulating coherent arguments.
They maintain a hectic schedule -at a time when their physical development demands they sleep more.
Parents of these tween-agers need to take a deep breath and then get ready. Gird your loins as the saying goes. Patience and consistency help keep your child centered and secure on the home front when the rest of their world seems topsy- turvy. Don't sweat the small stuff and stick to your guns on the important issues. Be specific on rules and expectations. Be flexible when it's possible. Insist on family time and family events. Build up, encourage, emphasize and listen. Then stand back in amazement as your child begins to begin their growing up life.
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Friday, April 4, 2008
Millennials
This month's Leadership Magazine, a publication of the National Association of Secondary School Principals, contains an interesting article by Neil Howe and Reena Nadler entitled "Millennials Rising." The article discussed the discrepancy between the impression the older generation has of teens and the reality of their behavior.
While I agree that teens per se are no different now than they have been during the past four decades, I do think this crop of teenagers is different, different not meaning better or worse than other generations, but just different. I do disagree with Howe and Nadler of Life Course Associates on a couple of points, however.
First, let me say they have a point about today's teens - Millennials have been viewed as "special" from birth. Their "helicopter parents" have hovered over them to the point that they call their offspring every hour at school, knowing full well that students are not supposed to use their cell phones during class. According to the authors this has created a babied-but-determined generation focused on grades, team work, and leadership, and I would agree.
One claim the duo asserts and with which I disagree, however, is that our impression that teens are not doing as well in school as the "golden gererations" of the later 1940's and 1950's is wrong. The authors claim that our SAT scores are at an all time high, enrollment in AP courses is at an all-time high, and 73% of all high school students say they want a 4 year college degree. But, is this true?
I would give anything to believe it, but some glaring errors are blinding me:
While I agree that teens per se are no different now than they have been during the past four decades, I do think this crop of teenagers is different, different not meaning better or worse than other generations, but just different. I do disagree with Howe and Nadler of Life Course Associates on a couple of points, however.
First, let me say they have a point about today's teens - Millennials have been viewed as "special" from birth. Their "helicopter parents" have hovered over them to the point that they call their offspring every hour at school, knowing full well that students are not supposed to use their cell phones during class. According to the authors this has created a babied-but-determined generation focused on grades, team work, and leadership, and I would agree.
One claim the duo asserts and with which I disagree, however, is that our impression that teens are not doing as well in school as the "golden gererations" of the later 1940's and 1950's is wrong. The authors claim that our SAT scores are at an all time high, enrollment in AP courses is at an all-time high, and 73% of all high school students say they want a 4 year college degree. But, is this true?
I would give anything to believe it, but some glaring errors are blinding me:
- SAT scores are at an all time high - the SAT has been revised, so to make a blanket statement about the scores is not valid. Ceteris paribus, one might be able to make that analogy, but without knowing how the test has been changed, how many times students are now taking practice tests or enrolling in SAT prep courses compared to previous years makes that statement misleading.
- Enrollment in AP courses is at an all time high - ok, so what? All this means is that the College Board has expanded its offerings over the course of the last 15 - 20 years to attract more students into its program. More students means more money for the College Board - more tests sold, more test preparation materials to be published, and more teacher training off of which to make money. Additionally, students vying for ranking want the AP weighted credit, which gives them a higher G.P.A. No mention is made of increased test scores on AP Exams, the real indicator that more learning is taking place.
- 73% of students say they are going to college - but do the authors mention how many graduate in the four year period it should take to get a degree? Now it is taking the average student five to six years to finish a degree because of remedial courses which have to be taken, indicating that these Millennials are not really doing as well as we would like to believe.
- And finally, nowhere is there mention of the recent statistics that 50% of high school students fail to graduate. That is the real proof to me that Millennial kids are not doing as well in school.
The authors end with the assertion that this generation is capable of being another "greatest generation." I would caution the authors to remember what made the "Greatest Generation" what it was. They survived the Great Depression and World War II.
I hope the Millennials never have to find out what mettle they are made of, but if they are called out, I agree with Howe and Nadler that regardless of having had "helicopter parents" and the most avid youth protection policies ever, this smart and energetic generation can rise to the task, just like decades of Americans before them.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Home Is Where The Story Begins
I am a Reality TV addict. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Wives of New York City, The Nanny, Sell This House, The Girls Next Door, ......embarrassing but true. It's like looking through windows when someone leaves their curtains open. Superficial insight. A new catch word for these edited glimpses of real people with a camera on them 24/7.
One show that it a particular favorite is Clean House. A crew goes into a home and organizes the family. The hosts cajole, plead and barter to clear out the clutter, sell it in a garage sale and redo the house. Grown men and women are reduced to tears as their lava lamps, Nascar posters and high school prom dresses are placed on the lawn to be sold and carted away. "But I might need eight non-operational lawn mowers." "I am planning to weave Navajo rugs one day-please don't take my loom." Two hundred and fifty two dusty and moldering beanie babies? "They're gonna come back. I just know it."
A glimpse in these houses is really not funny. Chaos, disarray and clutter do not a happy home make. Boxes piled everywhere, closets overflowing, counters strewn with this and that- this is no place to raise a family.
Home should be a sanctuary for us. A place that means safety and security. Home should be a calm and restful oasis where family and friends feel comfortable and welcome. The word cozy comes to mind. What our children associate with their home is the model they will carry with them to their own home and in their own family.
Chaos, disarray and clutter can come in many forms. The atmosphere in a home can be destructive or constructive. It can be consistently positive or always negative. A house can be safe and loving or volatile and angry. A happy home can be a blessing. A chaotic home can be a curse.
It's a gift to your children and to yourselves to make where you all live together a place you all want to be. If necessary, start addressing concerns and problems. Step back and look in as if the curtains are open and you are on the street. Where can you reorganize and revamp the climate and the atmosphere of your home? How are issues and frustrations handled? How are differing opinions voiced? How does your family interact socially? How do you express love and affection for each other? What are priorities in your household? Standing out, looking in, what do you see?
Have a big old internal garage sale. Get rid on the clutter and the junk and the old stuff that is carried around like an albatross. Keep all the things that make your tribe unique and important to all of you. Spring Clean. Revamp. Refresh. Renew. Claim a rebirth for who you are as a family.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One show that it a particular favorite is Clean House. A crew goes into a home and organizes the family. The hosts cajole, plead and barter to clear out the clutter, sell it in a garage sale and redo the house. Grown men and women are reduced to tears as their lava lamps, Nascar posters and high school prom dresses are placed on the lawn to be sold and carted away. "But I might need eight non-operational lawn mowers." "I am planning to weave Navajo rugs one day-please don't take my loom." Two hundred and fifty two dusty and moldering beanie babies? "They're gonna come back. I just know it."
A glimpse in these houses is really not funny. Chaos, disarray and clutter do not a happy home make. Boxes piled everywhere, closets overflowing, counters strewn with this and that- this is no place to raise a family.
Home should be a sanctuary for us. A place that means safety and security. Home should be a calm and restful oasis where family and friends feel comfortable and welcome. The word cozy comes to mind. What our children associate with their home is the model they will carry with them to their own home and in their own family.
Chaos, disarray and clutter can come in many forms. The atmosphere in a home can be destructive or constructive. It can be consistently positive or always negative. A house can be safe and loving or volatile and angry. A happy home can be a blessing. A chaotic home can be a curse.
It's a gift to your children and to yourselves to make where you all live together a place you all want to be. If necessary, start addressing concerns and problems. Step back and look in as if the curtains are open and you are on the street. Where can you reorganize and revamp the climate and the atmosphere of your home? How are issues and frustrations handled? How are differing opinions voiced? How does your family interact socially? How do you express love and affection for each other? What are priorities in your household? Standing out, looking in, what do you see?
Have a big old internal garage sale. Get rid on the clutter and the junk and the old stuff that is carried around like an albatross. Keep all the things that make your tribe unique and important to all of you. Spring Clean. Revamp. Refresh. Renew. Claim a rebirth for who you are as a family.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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