Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Paging Sigmund

I happened across a silly little book called How to Traumatize Your Children. The tongue and cheek premise is, since" all" parents will traumatize their children, we can learn how to do it better and more effectively. It actually is a Parent How To-in reverse. What follows is a simple to do list that guarantees years of therapy for your child.

#1. Unreliability: The Enemy of Security and Trust
Parental unreliability is at the root of the majority of childhood trauma. Not being someone your children can count on erodes all kinds of trust-trust that others will care, trust that others will tell the truth, trust that others will be there no matter what. Indeed, most children who grow up with unreliable parents have difficulty trusting as adults, so your unreliability will set your kids up for a lifetime of dysfunctional and failed relationships. So, never follow through on your promises and don't honor any commitments. Works every time.

#2. Your Child's Cues and Needs: Ignore Them
Your parenting approach should have nothing whatsoever to do with your child's wants or needs. Your needs come first. By not listening to your children, they will develop insecurities about about their own worthiness and whether or not they not their own minds.They will second guess their instincts and behave as doormats in relationships. Sooner or later, they will stop expressing themselves entirely.

#3. Warring Parent Styles
An effective path to trauma lies in each parent having a different approach to child rearing. Dueling parenting styles increases inconsistency, one of the most important trauma principals. Parents "not on the same page" results in fighting and hostility-ratcheting the trauma quotient a few notches higher. Remember-no united fronts. Make sure either parent's efforts neither support or reflect one another.

#4. Consistent Inconsistency
Nothing keeps a child on his or her toes like inconsistency. In a child's earliest years, this can manifest itself in a lack of routine. Forget regular mealtimes and bedtimes. When it comes to discipline and expectations for your child's behavior, you'll want to practice setting rules only to break them. No stimulus may ever garner the same response so your child will learn that nothing is to be trusted. Way to undermine your child's faith in the constancy of the world!!

As Michele Pfeiffer so "wisely" stated, "Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breaths, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy." Thanks Michele. That is definitely a parenting style to model ourselves after.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Why We Hate Us

Decency : proper observance of the requirements of modesty, good taste, respectability.

Courtesy: gracious politeness, considerate toward others, well-mannered.

Dick Myers, a journalist with National Public Radio, has a new book out called Why We Hate Us: American Discontent in the New Millennium. I happened to catch the interview this week and I am so relieved. I thought it was just me being nostalgic for the days when we did not lock our front door and I left my coat, along with other students' letter jackets, leather coats, and book bags, on a communal coat rack at Muskogee's Central High School. And nothing was ever stolen. Ever.

Myers, who gets tons of emails each week from readers of his NPR column Against the Grain, has ample fodder for his research into discontent. Complaints range from corporations who profess to care about us while they steal our retirement funds or rampant rudeness and vulgarity among all age groups to uncontrolled me-ism. The complaints seem to be consistent across the racial, age, and socio-economic spectrums. People hate what our society has become.

According to Myers the solution to the disillusion is simple - a return to some of the values that pre-date the 1960's. Myers claims the '60's "do your own thing" philosophy transmogrified into unchecked narcissism. This is an ugly condemnation of the former youth culture members, today's moms and dads or even grandmas and grandpas. But, I've gotta say, who couldn't see it coming?

When I returned to Muskogee High School after college and began teaching, a marked change had taken place in the teenagers. They wanted to know what it was like to have lived through the hippie era, and only a period of four years had passed between the time I graduated from MHS and the time I returned. I'm pretty sure they were in middle school when I left, and so, should have their own memories of so-called "hippies."

But not only that, I could see right away, in fact had many conversations with the students about this, that the Baby Boomer generation differed in one drastic way: we had been raised with 1950's values, and even tho' we may have rebelled, deep inside we knew right from wrong, good from bad, rude behavior from good manners. It was blatantly obvious even 30 years ago.

I would like to return to some of the values of the 1960's, as Myers suggests, but not all of them. I can't say that I would like for all moms to stay home or only men to be doctors. I can't say I would like for girls to have to wear dresses only to school, the way they did when I was a sophomore, or for only men to have the right to vote. And, I don't want to be relegated to my rocking chair at 63, the way the "elderly" used to be.

But I can say that no matter what, I would like for people to be respectful of each other. I can say that no matter what, I would like for people to do the right thing, whether they're rich or poor, young or old, black or white. I can say that no matter what, I would like to see us return to a more graceful state, because I've never understood how thinking people can be given so much and abuse it so greatly. Society cannot function well without these values.

Today's teenagers are tomorrow's adults. They stand poised to inherit this self-centered, ungrateful society we have created. It is up to us to behave as adults and give them the tools necessary to navigate through life by modeling respect for others before something happens that forces us to our knees, makes us abondon out wanton ways.

As Myers says, "There's a place and purpose for public aggression, drunkenness and lewdness...Certainly the Romans enjoyed it in their decline."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Paradise-Family Style


South Florida may never be the same. My husband and I took all the family to Anna Maria Island for a vacation. Vacation in the broadest sense of the word. We made Harvard Lampoon's "vacation" child's play. Wally World? Pshaw. Welcome to Wagner World!

Our grandchildren had not yet seen the ocean and it had been a while since every single one of us could go somewhere together. Dear friends have a place at Bradenton Beach on the island and I fell in love with the location. There are no high rises, no chain hotels or restaurants, no water parks or amusement rides. The island is only seven miles long and in some places, if you stand on the bay side, you can see the ocean side down the street. It is the Florida I remembered as a kid and I wanted to hurry and get there with my brood before it morphed into Ft. Lauderdale.

It only took three days, six trips to the airport and 2 rental cars to get everyone to our beach house. Catherine, out of college and gainfully employed could only stay three days, but we got her there and on the beach with the rest of her siblings. (She observed work was great if you just did not have to be there every day.) It was like the Bataan Death march to transport needed equipment and supplies to our sandy location, but like good Okies, we staked our claim every morning, complete with Ipod, canopy, loaded ice chests and pirate flag.







Our house was on the bay and Dolphin sightings became a regular part of our day. One of us would see them come up to the wall and run screaming into the house to get everyone. A manatee even showed up at our dock to check out the tourists. Grandaughter Annebelle really did learn to swim and took to jumping in the pool in her nightgown before breakfast. Before long, various uncles, Father's and Grandfather's would join her in the water. This was all before 8:00 in the morning. Even college and habitually late sleeping son was up early for omelette's and Key Lime Pie. (We ate it every meal).

In a nutshell, make that coconut shell, here are some adventures. Son-in -Law Greg went for his first deep sea fishing trip. The destination was 70 miles out into the Gulf of Mexico. Greg began to get deathly sea sick about one and a half miles into the bay. After a first rate expedition with many Grouper and Snapper, he claimed he had made the water more interesting for the fish and that the successful catch was due to him.

Toddler Wagner got locked in the car with a hysterical Mother and trying to be calm Grandfather frantically trying to unlock the rental vehicle. Wag flagged down the pair most likely to have a slim jim on their person. "Uh no man, but uh, why don't you just call 911?" Little did the rest of know as we lounged a mile down the beach that the fire truck and EMSA vehicle speeding by were going to rescue Wagner. He proudly returned with a fireman's hat on his head and a sheepish parent and grandparent in tow.

For some reason, we were all highly amused by the seagulls. We gave them names and commented on their individual personalities as we fed them potato chips and Teddy Grahams. Other beach revelers did not find it so amusing. I, too, did not find it so amusing when an unknown family member put a Dorito on my head. One eager gull helped himself. Let it be known that if seagull eats off your head, it is not lithe and birdlike. Think thunk and baseball bat. Everyone certainly found my reaction amusing.

Note:
People on an island are really proud of their fish. They eat a lot of it. Grouper. Snapper. Tuna. Scallops. Shrimp. Crab. Mahi Mahi. A waiter's face kind of falls when you order chicken or a hamburger. Sorry Charlie. I consider fish a novelty, not a food group.

All the boys went sailing one afternoon. The girls wisely allowed them their boy time. It was a grand experience except for the nurse sharks they sailed over
and who circled the boat.

Another day we took a pontoon over to an uninhabited island that was an outpost during the Spanish-American War. My husband's grandfather was a Rough Rider with Teddy Roosevelt so Warren was ecstatic as he explored the gunnery turrets and look-out towers. There was good shelling but the Jelly Fish were in abundance. The game plan was to tread lightly and avoid their tentacles at all costs. Giant tortoises went about their business as we followed them through the jungle. Lizards as big as Iguanas ran between the flowers. Who needs to go to Galapagos? Darwin could have just headed southwest at Sarasota.

We ate too much. We stayed up too late. We laughed until tears rolled down our faces. We bought goofy t-shirts and silly sun glasses. We drank foo-foo drinks with umbrellas. We watched sunsets over the water and tried to catch the green flash. We told old stories and shared new ones. We walked alot. We drank fresh squeezed orange juice as the bay woke up around us. We did five loads of laundry a day. We took lots of pictures. We sailed and kayaked and wave- runnered and cruised. We cooked out and all sat around the Hasty Bake, just as our ancestors gathered around the fire and shared time. Three generations of family enjoyed the ocean, the sand, the island and most importantly, just being together.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Senior Moments


We are down to the last two school-aged children in our family, barring a couple of them who are still in law school and one undergraduate. It happened so quickly, I guess it proves the adage "time flies when you're having fun," because all the kids have been great people and watching them grow up has been tremendous fun. Not that there aren't more good times ahead, but getting them all out of public school does mark a milestone.

My neice, Katy, has entered her senior year in high school. Talking with her mother, my "little" sister who is twelve years younger than I am, reminded me of the agony of senior year. People in their last year of high school are both an exasperating and exhilarating crowd. They can simultaneously make a parent mad and proud.

As my sister was bemoaning my adorable neice's behavior - happy one minute, gripey the next, just a little but bossy, and able to make cutting remarks without intending to - I reminded her that she had done the same thing to me on occassion when she was a teenager, which came as a complete shock to her. Being tewlve years her senior and also her Latin teacher when she was in high school, I remembered it very well. It was long before I even had my own children, much less teenagers, but it taught me a lesson I took to heart and helped me to help parents of my teenage students going through the same process.

You see, my little sister was as sweet and adorable then as my neice is now. She would never have intentionally hurt anyone, least of all me. She wasn't even cognizant that she had ever said anything snide to me, because to a teenager it doesn't mean anything. They are merely exerting their muscles on the way to adulthood. It was said and it was over and she loved me just as much as she did when she was eight or twelve or even ten minutes before she said it. And I never stopped loving her, either!

Parents who have seniors about to start back this year, take heed and have faith. There may be things said this year that are just part of the growing process and they should not be taken to heart. They may make you think you are losing your mind or having a senior moment of your own. There will be many ups and downs this year with emotions, your child's friends, life altering decisions to be made. Remember to try to enjoy it, both the good and the bad. Try to maintain your ability to laugh, because being mad and yelling won't help. Your teen doesn't understand and no amount of pleading, begging, fighting, cajoling, or passive aggression will help. I'm not saying you should accept rude behavior, but only to understand that this too shall pass regardless of what you do. As the new expression goes - it is what it is.

Good luck to all students and parents with this school year, especially those entering their last year of high school.




Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It's Too Darn Hot

Why are we always surprised when it gets so hot in Oklahoma? We greet someone, it's so hot! We express surprise at the temperature as it flashes on the bank sign. Triple digits today! Or we observe, the lake has turned over. Doesn't it do that every year in August?


One thing for sure. It is too hot to turn the oven on. No matter the temperature, there is still a hungry family around the dinner table. For some strange reason, they still want to be fed. Here are a few easy to prepare dishes that don't require pre-heating anything.


Southern Shrimp Salad


2 pounds shrimp, pre-cooked and cleaned (prepare according to directions on package)
Chop into bite size pieces.
Prepare 1 cup rice according to package directions. Drain well and cool.

To rice add 1/2 cup minced purple onion, 1/2 cup chopped green olives, 1/2 cup chopped celery
Stir in 1 cup mayonnaise and fold in cooled shrimp. Chill and serve.



Make Ahead Curried Chicken Salad


De bone and remove skin from one prepared rotisserie chicken. Shred.
Add:
1 c. chopped celery
1 c. pineapple chunks, drained
1 c sliced green grapes
1 c mayonnaise
1/2 tsp curry powder
Chill overnight or all day. Before serving add 2 cups Chinese noodles

Duke Of Windsor Sandwich

Legendary Helen Corbett created this dish for a visit to Neiman Marcus by the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. It is delicious. Just don't think about the calories.

For each sandwich
Toast two slices of a good rustic bread -lightly buttered
Layer:
1 slice Swiss cheese
Add 2 to 3 slices of turkey breast
1 slice pineapple-water packed
3 strips of bacon (to keep the stove off, use the pre-cooked and microwave)
1 leaf lettuce

Make a topping of equal amounts 1000 Island Dressing and freshly whipped cream (unsweetened)
Put a large dollop of the dressing on the top of the sandwich and add the second slice of bread.
Serve with potato chips, a dill pickle and a knife and fork. Heaven!!!

Dessert? Put everyone in the car and head to the ice cream store for sundaes or banana splits. You only live once and school is about to start. Grab as much time as you can with the family because it's getting ready to be really busy again. Enjoy the last few days.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Help for Pre-Algebra Jitters

School is starting soon and young teens with math phobias everywhere can already feel their palms sweating. Now with more help for the algebra-challenged is Danica McKellar, best known as Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years. Ok, so Winnie was always a smartie, but what about Danica? After the series ended, Danica went on to UCLA where she graduated summa cum laude with a degree in mathematics.

Danica has produced two self-help books for girls who can't do math. Her first was called Math Doesn't Suck and was an instant success when it came out in 2007. Now Danica moves on with Kiss My Math, Showing Pre-Algebra Who's Boss.

I saw Kiss My Math today at Hastings Books and Videos in Curt's Mall. The only thing I can say is, where was this book when I was thirteen? Written in a fun style with a lay-out similar to Teen or Seventeen Magazine, McKellar's math genius appeals to young teens, especially girls. I haven't seen any stats on increased test scores from using Danica's techniques and ideas, but even at $22.95 in hardback, I would be willing to buy it for a child who was already experiencing problems in algebra.

Check out Danica's website by clicking on any of the highlighted words in this text. Good luck to all members of the incoming freshman Class of 2012. They not only have to take the EOI tests, but also pass them. Getting them good math help is imperative.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Living Intentionally

Comedian George Carlin recently passed away. Carlin was famous for his humorous take on society, it's mores and it's idiosyncrasies. As we watch time pass and our children grow, his observation about the aging process hits home. Enjoy.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" So listen, how about we all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath and tears roll down your face. Laugh.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to another state, to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

More Diseases to Fear

You may have read in today's Muskogee Phoenix that autism, asthma and obesity are on the rise among children in the United States. The rise in autism has prompted the Oklahoma State Department of Education to require autism training for educators. School lunch programs have already revised their menus to more health conscious choices for students. Non-smoking education programs are regularly put into public view, for example through the Muskogee County Health Department and Students Working Against Tobacco.

Teachers have also been trained in bloodborne pathogens through state mandate for several years now and rightly so. The U.S. Center for Disease Control released data indicating that new cases of HIV are substantially higher than previously projected. The old estimate was 40,000, but since data has been kept better than it was before, the new figure is actually closer to 56,000. The good news is that even at the higher rate, new cases remain stable.

Still, young people under 25 account for the majority of the new cases. Among those, African Americans have a seven times higher chance of being infected with HIV, especially black women. These are infections per year, not per decade. The percentage also remains high for gay and bisexual men, but due to better education among some groups, for instance intravenous drug users, the percentage of HIV infections has actually dropped.

Although the number seems small in comparison to the whole population, if your child were one of the infected, it would affect your whole world. HIV is not the death sentence today that it used to be thanks to better education and improved drugs to combat the disease. That improvement also comes thanks in part to the courageous people infected with the disease who were valiant enough to speak out and educate others.

The 17th Annual Conference on Aids began yesterday in Mexico City. Education is our best bet in preventing these diseases from affecting our loved ones. Learn more about autism, asthma, teen obesity, and sexually transmitted diseases. Public education and assistance are in place, but do little good if the individual does not take advantage of the information. As parents, we should educate ourselves so that we can buffer our children against these diseases as much as is humanly possible.