Picture this: Smiling faces and laughter, flashes going off for photos, happy memories, and praise for a job well done.
This is what happens at a National Honor Society installation. Many parents and students eschew joining National Honor Society for a variety of reasons, and that is certainly their choice. By the time a parent watches his child walk across the stage for yet another award, it does seem rather anti-climactic.
Until that one last time.
At Muskogee High School senior NHS members are honored with a special blue and gold tassel, indicating their membership in the National Honor Society, as they are at thousands of high school across the nation. NHS membership may not seem important, and in the grand scheme of things it's not.
But commencement day is the one day in which all the awards and honors for a job well done are on display in regalia on caps and gowns, in tassels and stoles, honor cords and medals and pins. Graduation day is the one day when honor societies are important.
I can't tell you how many shocked faces of students I have seen when they arrive to line up for Pomp and Circumstance and see their fellow students decked out in these awards. I gave up counting the number of students who have said, "I didn't understand what it was for....I wish I had tried harder....I wish I had taken more honors classes....I wasn't really trying."
I feel sorry for these students, because for a brief, fleeting moment, graduation day is the only day this really matters, and they can never get it back again. Fortunately, life is not made on high school honors alone and there will be other awards, other graduation days. But, if your child receives a nomination for anything, from Academic All Star to Mr. or Miss Teenager, please make sure s/he follows through with whatever application process is necessary. They may not seem terribly important at the time, but they will be very important when it's all coming to an end.
Picture this: someone thinks enough of your child to nominate him or her for National Honor Society, Optimist Youth Leadership Awards, good citizen awards and scholarships. S/he may not be chosen in the end, but you'll never know what your child is capable of achieving until you encourage him/her to try.
*National Honor Society selects students based on its four premises of scholarship, leadership, citizenship, and service. Each chapter sets its own guidelines based on these four criteria.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Traditions - or - What's Open at 11:00 P.M.?
Another holiday-come and gone. All that anticipating, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning and obsessing about everything being perfect- then poof, family's gone and the weekend is over. The house is too quiet, the phone isn't ringing and the routine of living day to day returns. It's good to remember, the let down afterwards just proves a wonderful time. If you're not kind of sad it's over, the celebration or holiday may not have been so great in the first place.
We spent the weekend at our cabin, so everyone stayed in one place. It was nice. The weather was delightful so the grandbabies played outside all day with friends they have not seen since last fall. All the young Mom's caught up with one another, new babies were introduced and the older children got sand in their hair and mud between their toes. My Annebelle and twins Lexie and Sophie proudly presented armfuls of Jonquils, carefully plucked from neighboring cottages. Though contraband, the ill gotten gains were proudly displayed by both Grandmothers.
The men of the family went to Tahlequah for Diet Cokes and fishing lures. They returned with a flat screen TV. Looking over their shoulder and with light tread, the culprits tried to sneak it in through another door, but my Mom and Wife radar was on. I caught them as they tiptoed onto the deck with the 4 foot box between them.
Installation began. There was much hammering and wiring. How many Wagner's does it take to hang a television? The answer is one husband, two sons and one son-in-law. Even my one-year-old grandson was right in the middle of the action. Sigh. What is it about men and BIG TVs?
We have talked a lot about family traditions in this blog. Let me share what happened this weekend. It merely reinforces to me how important traditions are, and what they mean to our children.
The Easter Bunny still comes to our house. Yes, my grown children eagerly anticipate Peter Rabbit's annual visit. Festivities have been modified through the years. The frenzied egg hunt has been tabled since knocking their niece and nephew out of the way for a possible golden egg might be considered bad form. The live chicks and ducks era is thankfully in the past. The dyed eggs stopped when the hunters would not even bend down to pick up one. (ever found one of those stink-bombs a week or so later under the couch?)
This year I did a little spring shopping for my children. A pastel polo shirt, a spring sweater, usual fare for this time of year. I carefully included each item in a basket from the dollar store with Easter grass and an assortment of candy. Reese's Eggs, Rain-Blo Bubble gum, Sour Brite Worms.....all family favorites. A squawking rubber chicken, an oinking pig key chain, a laser finger ring ....also included in the baskets. Perfect.
That night at dinner, the kids all started talking about Easters Past. The handcapped chicken with only one leg, the legendary cash egg hunts at a dear friend's house, being late to church every Easter Sunday, and then, "always getting those big chocolate bunnies in our baskets....and anxious for tomorrow so they would get those "big chocolate bunnies in their Easter baskets." Whoops.
I had no chocolate bunnies for the baskets. "You all never eat those bunnies. I find them in your room weeks later and just throw them away. "
Incredulous looks. Horrified expressions. "No chocolate bunnies? Mom, we always get chocolate bunnies in our Easter baskets. It's a tradition. It won't be Easter without biting their little heads off. You're kidding aren't you?"
Needless to say, the next morning, nestled among the jelly beans was a Mr Peter Cottontail-solid milk chocolate- Easter Bunny. The world will now continue to rotate on its axis. The sun will rise in the East and set in the West. Spring will indeed come again. And our family tradition alas, continues.
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We spent the weekend at our cabin, so everyone stayed in one place. It was nice. The weather was delightful so the grandbabies played outside all day with friends they have not seen since last fall. All the young Mom's caught up with one another, new babies were introduced and the older children got sand in their hair and mud between their toes. My Annebelle and twins Lexie and Sophie proudly presented armfuls of Jonquils, carefully plucked from neighboring cottages. Though contraband, the ill gotten gains were proudly displayed by both Grandmothers.
The men of the family went to Tahlequah for Diet Cokes and fishing lures. They returned with a flat screen TV. Looking over their shoulder and with light tread, the culprits tried to sneak it in through another door, but my Mom and Wife radar was on. I caught them as they tiptoed onto the deck with the 4 foot box between them.
Installation began. There was much hammering and wiring. How many Wagner's does it take to hang a television? The answer is one husband, two sons and one son-in-law. Even my one-year-old grandson was right in the middle of the action. Sigh. What is it about men and BIG TVs?
We have talked a lot about family traditions in this blog. Let me share what happened this weekend. It merely reinforces to me how important traditions are, and what they mean to our children.
The Easter Bunny still comes to our house. Yes, my grown children eagerly anticipate Peter Rabbit's annual visit. Festivities have been modified through the years. The frenzied egg hunt has been tabled since knocking their niece and nephew out of the way for a possible golden egg might be considered bad form. The live chicks and ducks era is thankfully in the past. The dyed eggs stopped when the hunters would not even bend down to pick up one. (ever found one of those stink-bombs a week or so later under the couch?)
This year I did a little spring shopping for my children. A pastel polo shirt, a spring sweater, usual fare for this time of year. I carefully included each item in a basket from the dollar store with Easter grass and an assortment of candy. Reese's Eggs, Rain-Blo Bubble gum, Sour Brite Worms.....all family favorites. A squawking rubber chicken, an oinking pig key chain, a laser finger ring ....also included in the baskets. Perfect.
That night at dinner, the kids all started talking about Easters Past. The handcapped chicken with only one leg, the legendary cash egg hunts at a dear friend's house, being late to church every Easter Sunday, and then, "always getting those big chocolate bunnies in our baskets....and anxious for tomorrow so they would get those "big chocolate bunnies in their Easter baskets." Whoops.
I had no chocolate bunnies for the baskets. "You all never eat those bunnies. I find them in your room weeks later and just throw them away. "
Incredulous looks. Horrified expressions. "No chocolate bunnies? Mom, we always get chocolate bunnies in our Easter baskets. It's a tradition. It won't be Easter without biting their little heads off. You're kidding aren't you?"
Needless to say, the next morning, nestled among the jelly beans was a Mr Peter Cottontail-solid milk chocolate- Easter Bunny. The world will now continue to rotate on its axis. The sun will rise in the East and set in the West. Spring will indeed come again. And our family tradition alas, continues.
lllllllllllllllllllll
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Take Two Steps Back
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Last week we discussed letting our children stand on their own two feet. Letting them succeed on their own merit. And conversely, how to let them fail without our interfering or rescuing. Joey Green says, in The Road to Success is Paved with Failure:...Failure builds character, helps you hone your skills, tests your determination, fortifies you with eight essential vitamins, and gives you the inner strength and courage to go back out there and fall flat on your face all over again... Just remember, everyone falls down. You're not a failure until you don't get back up."
An interesting side note to parents who rescue comes from Sue Blaney. She has an excellent web site entitled "Please Stop The Roller-Coaster" -Tips and Tools for Successful Parenting. Blaney points out that protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences -for not just the teen, but for the parents too.
Helicopter (hovering) parenting may be a symptom of a larger issue: Parents who have a tendency to be controllers, and who over-identify with their child's success, report less joy and satisfaction in life, according to a study that was released recently at a conference for Research in Child Development. These parents answered positively to the statement, "My daughter's failure can make me feel ashamed." For those parents, the connection between their self-esteem and their child's success is clear. What is less obvious, is these same parents continue to have less satisfaction in their life even when their child is performing well! It seems the real issue is that when self-worth is dependent on others’ behavior, it fosters intense emotions, greater mood swings, and less satisfaction.
A great metaphor might be those little girl beauty pageants. Have you seen the reality show that goes behind the scenes as 5- year- old's are spray tanned, eye lashed, poufed, curled, rouged and sequined within an inch of their tiny little bodies. What is revealing and horrifying is the camera shots of the Mother, Grandmother, and often a Dad as they mouth the words to the song, tap the dance steps next to the folding chairs in the audience and coax, plead, bribe and punish an often exhausted and disheartened little girl. The adults are so "into" the silly little contest. They visually and verbally project the little girl's "winning" into a personal triumph. Or, a personal loss, blamed on everyone but themselves. There was a parting shot of a triumphant Mother carrying a 5 foot trophy out to her car. Then a shot of the losing Mother's expression as she walked out to her car, empty handed. Her anger and dejection was vitriolic and bitter as she spewed poison within earshot of her child. Don't we do that when we make success the only accepted outcome for our teens?
The bottom line? Helicopter parenting is an approach fraught with downsides. Parents need to keep working at their degree of involvement until they get the balance right- if not for their teen, then for themselves. So, we need to find other things to concern ourselves with. We need to find other interests. If a passion hasn't surfaced yet, it's time to start looking! A well-rounded parent will have less time to fret and will additionally, model a well-rounded life.
Happy Easter from Melony and Me. Have a wonderful weekend with your family. Dye eggs, go to church, bake hams and take lots of pictures. We're all making those memories, at every opportunity!
Last week we discussed letting our children stand on their own two feet. Letting them succeed on their own merit. And conversely, how to let them fail without our interfering or rescuing. Joey Green says, in The Road to Success is Paved with Failure:...Failure builds character, helps you hone your skills, tests your determination, fortifies you with eight essential vitamins, and gives you the inner strength and courage to go back out there and fall flat on your face all over again... Just remember, everyone falls down. You're not a failure until you don't get back up."
An interesting side note to parents who rescue comes from Sue Blaney. She has an excellent web site entitled "Please Stop The Roller-Coaster" -Tips and Tools for Successful Parenting. Blaney points out that protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences -for not just the teen, but for the parents too.
Helicopter (hovering) parenting may be a symptom of a larger issue: Parents who have a tendency to be controllers, and who over-identify with their child's success, report less joy and satisfaction in life, according to a study that was released recently at a conference for Research in Child Development. These parents answered positively to the statement, "My daughter's failure can make me feel ashamed." For those parents, the connection between their self-esteem and their child's success is clear. What is less obvious, is these same parents continue to have less satisfaction in their life even when their child is performing well! It seems the real issue is that when self-worth is dependent on others’ behavior, it fosters intense emotions, greater mood swings, and less satisfaction.
A great metaphor might be those little girl beauty pageants. Have you seen the reality show that goes behind the scenes as 5- year- old's are spray tanned, eye lashed, poufed, curled, rouged and sequined within an inch of their tiny little bodies. What is revealing and horrifying is the camera shots of the Mother, Grandmother, and often a Dad as they mouth the words to the song, tap the dance steps next to the folding chairs in the audience and coax, plead, bribe and punish an often exhausted and disheartened little girl. The adults are so "into" the silly little contest. They visually and verbally project the little girl's "winning" into a personal triumph. Or, a personal loss, blamed on everyone but themselves. There was a parting shot of a triumphant Mother carrying a 5 foot trophy out to her car. Then a shot of the losing Mother's expression as she walked out to her car, empty handed. Her anger and dejection was vitriolic and bitter as she spewed poison within earshot of her child. Don't we do that when we make success the only accepted outcome for our teens?
The bottom line? Helicopter parenting is an approach fraught with downsides. Parents need to keep working at their degree of involvement until they get the balance right- if not for their teen, then for themselves. So, we need to find other things to concern ourselves with. We need to find other interests. If a passion hasn't surfaced yet, it's time to start looking! A well-rounded parent will have less time to fret and will additionally, model a well-rounded life.
Happy Easter from Melony and Me. Have a wonderful weekend with your family. Dye eggs, go to church, bake hams and take lots of pictures. We're all making those memories, at every opportunity!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Educate Your Daughter
Educate a man and you educate an
individual. Educate a woman and you educate a family.
Rudy Mankin
March is Women's History Month, a month you don't hear too much about anymore. But now more than ever, the damaging results of poor treatment of the world's girls and women are in the forefront of the news.
The National Women's Law Center recently released a report called When Girls Don't Graduate We All Fail, highlighting the importance of keeping girls in school through to graduation. The drop out rate for girls is almost equal to that for boys, and in our state that rate is significant. As hard as it is to believe in this day of edutainment, America's overall drop out rate is nearly 22%.
Why is this statistic more damaging for girls than it is for boys? There are a couple of very important reasons.
First, the earning power of women who drop out of school is significantly less than that of men who drop out. Female drop outs are in greater danger of unemployment and being on public assistance.
Secondly, girls can get pregnant and guys can't. That means not only is the girl on public assistance, but also her offspring. This is bad for us taxpayers, but it is nothing compared to the damaging hardships it will cause the girl, her children, and her family.
We think the battle for women's rights is over now that we have a woman running for President. But, we need to think again. The woman's role in the family is key. She develops the tone of the family and, despite the bad raps Freudian psychiatrists give moms, they do play a crucial role in children's attitudes toward the importance of education. Keeping women educated, healthy, and functioning at a higher level advances the whole family.
Let's do what we can to keep our girls, and all of our students, in school and moving toward graduation. It will make for a stronger and better America.
Monday, March 10, 2008
"I Think I Can-I Think I Can"
I am not much of a baseball fan but one player stands out, even to me. The Baltimore Orioles - Cal Ripken. Should you be one of the statistically uneducated ( as I am) - here are the stats. Ripken earned the nickname "Iron Man", doggedly remaining in the lineup, despite numerous minor injuries. He played in a record 2,632 straight games spanning sixteen seasons, from May 30, 1982 to September 20, 1998. He played his 2131st consecutive game on September 6, 1995, against the California Angels, breaking the 56-year-old record set by the "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig, the legendary New York Yankees first baseman. Ripken hit a home run in game 2130 and game 2131, moving fans to the point that his 2131st consecutive game was named Major League Baseball's "Most Memorable Moment" in MLB history. Ripken was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility on January 9, 2007.
Ripken channeled his passion and love of the game into a legend. (sans PR People and sans entourage) . He didn't grandstand and he didn't cheat to be stronger. He did his job day after day and performed with pride and honor. Ripken gracefully retired when it was time and has gone on to inspire another generation of athletes through his athletic camps and through the foundation named in honor of his Father, Cal Ripken Sr. Ripken generously supports Lou Gehrig Disease Research, in honor of the player whose record he broke.
Ripken's name has become synonymous with strength, character, endurance and integrity. His philosophy of working hard, playing with passion and enjoying the game has made a tremendous impact on the sport and on fans everywhere. Ripken said , "As long as I can compete, I won't quit. Reaching three-thousand is not the finish line as long as I can contribute. I haven't given it (achieving 3,000 hits) much thought. I was taught a certain approach, how to come to the ballpark. I try not to do too much thinking about things like that. I just come out every day and do my job"
Players and others on Cal Ripken Jr.
"Cal is a bridge, maybe the last bridge, back to the way the game was played. Hitting home runs and all that other good stuff is not enough. It's how you handle yourself in all the good times and bad times that matters. That's what Cal showed us. Being a star is not enough. He showed us how to be more." - Joe Torre
It's one of the great achievements in the history of sports. Cal Ripken embodies all that the Orioles stand for, all that Baltimore stands for and, really, all that this country stands for in terms of his dedication and work ethic." - Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos
"He is the man. He is the man." -Sammy Sosa
"I admire him not only for his talent, but for his constant determination day in and day out. He's been loyal to his team, his fans, the community and professional sports every phase of his career. His determination and talent has been great for baseball and America." -President Clinton
"I'm honored to be on the same fields as him."- Alex Rodriguez
Ripken channeled his passion and love of the game into a legend. (sans PR People and sans entourage) . He didn't grandstand and he didn't cheat to be stronger. He did his job day after day and performed with pride and honor. Ripken gracefully retired when it was time and has gone on to inspire another generation of athletes through his athletic camps and through the foundation named in honor of his Father, Cal Ripken Sr. Ripken generously supports Lou Gehrig Disease Research, in honor of the player whose record he broke.
Ripken's name has become synonymous with strength, character, endurance and integrity. His philosophy of working hard, playing with passion and enjoying the game has made a tremendous impact on the sport and on fans everywhere. Ripken said , "As long as I can compete, I won't quit. Reaching three-thousand is not the finish line as long as I can contribute. I haven't given it (achieving 3,000 hits) much thought. I was taught a certain approach, how to come to the ballpark. I try not to do too much thinking about things like that. I just come out every day and do my job"
Players and others on Cal Ripken Jr.
"Cal is a bridge, maybe the last bridge, back to the way the game was played. Hitting home runs and all that other good stuff is not enough. It's how you handle yourself in all the good times and bad times that matters. That's what Cal showed us. Being a star is not enough. He showed us how to be more." - Joe Torre
It's one of the great achievements in the history of sports. Cal Ripken embodies all that the Orioles stand for, all that Baltimore stands for and, really, all that this country stands for in terms of his dedication and work ethic." - Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos
"He is the man. He is the man." -Sammy Sosa
"I admire him not only for his talent, but for his constant determination day in and day out. He's been loyal to his team, his fans, the community and professional sports every phase of his career. His determination and talent has been great for baseball and America." -President Clinton
"I'm honored to be on the same fields as him."- Alex Rodriguez
This next generation must know that there are no magic pills. There are no short cuts. Free Agents are not going to drop from the sky to offer Gazillion Dollar sports contracts. Odds are that American Idol will not make a Carrie Underwood out of every young aspiring singer. No matter what is advertised, millionaires are not eagerly waiting to meet and marry blushing brides -to -be.
Recruiters with large signing bonuses will not be waiting in line to hire most of this year's college graduates. Those "academically exhausted" who just want to get out of high school and get a job will be sorely disappointed at the opportunities offered without a college degree. And pity the misdirected eager beavers who abandon even a high school education. Prospects are less than promising for high school dropouts. Can you say, "Would you like fries with that?" Only men and women with drive and ambition will find success, no matter where they start.
In our eagerness to "make all kids feel good", we are shortchanging these young adults. Giving kids shortcuts and mulligans doesn't do them a favor. Accountability and expectations are a better model. With these expectations, allowing children to fail should also be in the loop. If handled right, failure and disappointment should lay the foundation for tenacity and drive. If we raise a generation that is always allowed to succeed; a generation that is not allowed competition; a generation that is not graded on their endeavors; what kind of adults will they be? I see a population of men and women scratching their heads and shaking their fists at the sky. They are puzzled. Confused. Inept. Frustrated. Incapable of earning a living or making a life.
Thanks Cal. You've got to get the ball thrown at you a few times to make a home run. The lucky ones know when to run and how to duck.
=======================Saturday, March 8, 2008
Eckhart Tolle and Teenagers
After my last blog on directing teenagers, I picked up Tolle's A New Earth, an Oprah book club pick. In fact, Oprah is having a series of online lessons with Tolle. You can catch them on her website, if you missed signing up for the lessons.
Well, I will tell you up front, I am not a big Tolle fan. I found one sentence in The Power of Now that was useful, so I was very skeptical when I picked up A New Earth. I was even more skeptical when I got to the part about parenthood.
As it turns out, Tolle had a few good things to consider about parenthood. First, the obvious: many people use parenthood as part of their identity. "This is MY daughter," "I am a good mother," "Don't I have a beautiful family," "I am (fill in child's name)'s mother," "Yes, my son is president of the senior class..." These are how we all identify ourselves once we become parents. Since parenthood is so all-consuming, it is difficult to avoid the identification. It's also why it hurts so badly once the separation of parent and child comes with college or marriage. Our children have been our identity for 20+ years and now we are on our own, left to once again figure out who we are and what our role is.
Tolle says the we should fulfill our duties as parents without becoming attached to the role. He also says if we cling to the role-playing of parent and child, we keep a real relationship with our adult children from developing. If we play the role of "I know what's best for you" even when our child is 40, we can cause feelings of inferiority or helplessness in our children. When they don't do what we tell them to as adults, they can also feel guilty. I'm not sure I completely agree with him - I will always be older than my child, for example, and will have more wisdom about some things, things I experience before he/she does.. His assertion is based on the assumption that parents hold "do what I say" over their child's head with "or I won't love you anymore." I don't think they always go hand-in-hand. It is always possible to give one's child suggestions, knowing they probably won't listen, but love them unconditionally anyway, always.
Tolle also gives advice for children suffering from their parents always treating them like children. Realize that your parent(s) have not evolved from an ego-driven to a conscious state of being. If we are aware, we can release negative energy. Good advice. Everyone should use it - children and parents alike - it could release alot of suffering.
Tolle also says children have to suffer. Parents can't save their children from all suffering and to do so is to keep them from growing. This is sound advice, too. I have seen so many kids ruined by their rescuing parents, but it is inherent in the nature of Western civilization to try to alleviate all suffering - that is what science and knowledge are for, to keep us from pain. The most extreme and damaging form of this behavior is parents who constantly side with the child and refuse to admit that he/she could possibly be wrong at school or in community actions. These parents claim this teacher or that kid has it in for their child, curse at teachers, the police are profiling their child, or whatever - it is never the child's fault, much to his detriment he/she is rescued from ever facing the consequences of their behavior. These kids often become dismal failures or land in prison, once behavior has escalated to the point that mom or dad can't rescue them anymore.
But, the soundest advice Tolle gives for an authentic relationship with one's child is simply to be present with the child. Be there as a human being, not a role. Be there beyond instructions like "brush your teeth," "do your homework," or "come home on time." He also says the only thing that makes sense - give your child your attention. Many people think driving to soccer, sitting through the game, and getting the mandatory fast food afterwards is giving a child attention. Tolle says this is only doing, form-based attention. Children need to see the being behind the doing and they need our undivided attention in stillness. Going to the soccer game or football game will get you together, and that's great, but it doesn't mean you are focused on your child. If you are having a meaningful discussion in the car on the way there, fine. If you are watching a DVD all the way there, and talking about your new Coach bag all the way through the game, not fine. For obvious reasons, no one can be there 100% of the time. But being conscious of your doing/being roles is a start.
And finally, I unquestionably agree with this statement - this is the one sentence form A New Earth that will stick with me and I hope with you:
The longing for love that is in every child is the longing to be recognized, not on the level of form, but on the level of Being.
From what I have observed in 33 years of working with young people, this is the crux of many people's angst - they are never honored or loved solely for who they are. Many parents hold "I will love you if" over their children's heads, and I think consciousness of this trait in parents is the substance of Tolle's thought on parenthood. His advice is give up the pathological egoism of parental role-playing and develop an authentic relationship with our children.
In the long run we will also be developing an authentic relationship with ourselves. That seems to make sense from both parent and child perspective..
Well, I will tell you up front, I am not a big Tolle fan. I found one sentence in The Power of Now that was useful, so I was very skeptical when I picked up A New Earth. I was even more skeptical when I got to the part about parenthood.
As it turns out, Tolle had a few good things to consider about parenthood. First, the obvious: many people use parenthood as part of their identity. "This is MY daughter," "I am a good mother," "Don't I have a beautiful family," "I am (fill in child's name)'s mother," "Yes, my son is president of the senior class..." These are how we all identify ourselves once we become parents. Since parenthood is so all-consuming, it is difficult to avoid the identification. It's also why it hurts so badly once the separation of parent and child comes with college or marriage. Our children have been our identity for 20+ years and now we are on our own, left to once again figure out who we are and what our role is.
Tolle says the we should fulfill our duties as parents without becoming attached to the role. He also says if we cling to the role-playing of parent and child, we keep a real relationship with our adult children from developing. If we play the role of "I know what's best for you" even when our child is 40, we can cause feelings of inferiority or helplessness in our children. When they don't do what we tell them to as adults, they can also feel guilty. I'm not sure I completely agree with him - I will always be older than my child, for example, and will have more wisdom about some things, things I experience before he/she does.. His assertion is based on the assumption that parents hold "do what I say" over their child's head with "or I won't love you anymore." I don't think they always go hand-in-hand. It is always possible to give one's child suggestions, knowing they probably won't listen, but love them unconditionally anyway, always.
Tolle also gives advice for children suffering from their parents always treating them like children. Realize that your parent(s) have not evolved from an ego-driven to a conscious state of being. If we are aware, we can release negative energy. Good advice. Everyone should use it - children and parents alike - it could release alot of suffering.
Tolle also says children have to suffer. Parents can't save their children from all suffering and to do so is to keep them from growing. This is sound advice, too. I have seen so many kids ruined by their rescuing parents, but it is inherent in the nature of Western civilization to try to alleviate all suffering - that is what science and knowledge are for, to keep us from pain. The most extreme and damaging form of this behavior is parents who constantly side with the child and refuse to admit that he/she could possibly be wrong at school or in community actions. These parents claim this teacher or that kid has it in for their child, curse at teachers, the police are profiling their child, or whatever - it is never the child's fault, much to his detriment he/she is rescued from ever facing the consequences of their behavior. These kids often become dismal failures or land in prison, once behavior has escalated to the point that mom or dad can't rescue them anymore.
But, the soundest advice Tolle gives for an authentic relationship with one's child is simply to be present with the child. Be there as a human being, not a role. Be there beyond instructions like "brush your teeth," "do your homework," or "come home on time." He also says the only thing that makes sense - give your child your attention. Many people think driving to soccer, sitting through the game, and getting the mandatory fast food afterwards is giving a child attention. Tolle says this is only doing, form-based attention. Children need to see the being behind the doing and they need our undivided attention in stillness. Going to the soccer game or football game will get you together, and that's great, but it doesn't mean you are focused on your child. If you are having a meaningful discussion in the car on the way there, fine. If you are watching a DVD all the way there, and talking about your new Coach bag all the way through the game, not fine. For obvious reasons, no one can be there 100% of the time. But being conscious of your doing/being roles is a start.
And finally, I unquestionably agree with this statement - this is the one sentence form A New Earth that will stick with me and I hope with you:
The longing for love that is in every child is the longing to be recognized, not on the level of form, but on the level of Being.
From what I have observed in 33 years of working with young people, this is the crux of many people's angst - they are never honored or loved solely for who they are. Many parents hold "I will love you if" over their children's heads, and I think consciousness of this trait in parents is the substance of Tolle's thought on parenthood. His advice is give up the pathological egoism of parental role-playing and develop an authentic relationship with our children.
In the long run we will also be developing an authentic relationship with ourselves. That seems to make sense from both parent and child perspective..
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Through a Child's Eyes
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I read a great observation by a Mom. This parent was going through all the angst of a newly developing teen-aged child. It was kind of her ah-hah moment. Her 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend's athletic club. Mom walked her child to the front desk where her daughter signed in. The young girl was asked to fill out a card with contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled "child" and "adult", and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at her Mother and asked "What am I?"
That's a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don't feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them "adult." They truly are neither. They are caught in-between the two places. Teens are swimming across an unknown river, trying to get from one side to the other.
Mary Pipher in her classic Reviving Ophelia states this well. She says "Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults.....They don't really fit in anywhere. There's a yearning for place, a search for solid ground."
We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. That old adage, "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins" certainly helps to put this parent/teen thing in perspective. When you look at your teen's world from inside of their shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom feelings can be shared ? Is support and unconditional love felt in the home and is it expressed often? How about pressure....From your teenager's point of view, is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress?
A good exercise might be to briefly put away those life experiences we have all gained from just living longer. Really think back to your own teen years. Hmm. What comes flashing back to you? To me? Well....Insecurity. Longing for acceptance. Wishing my Mom would be cooler and wear a beehive. Long term goals?! Shoot. I never thought ahead past the next few days. Wondering why my Dad got so upset about my tardies in Senorita Wright's class. I had to stay by my locker until Lynn Hoffman passed and slugged me in my shoulder as he walked by. Not understanding my Nanie's expression as I got in her car to go shopping, with orange juice can rollers in my hair. Sobbing on the phone for hours after one seemingly traumatic event or another. Hearing one parent or the other scream up the stairs, "turn that record player down!" Not winning Y-Teen president and feeling betrayed by my friends. Sleeping until 12:00 or 1:00. Fighting with my brothers. Sneaking a ride on a Honda with Tim Flick and hiding the exhaust burn for as long as I could. OK. You get the idea.
Go on. Take a walk down Teen Memory Lane. It's not only fun, it's revealing. Is your daughter exhibiting bizarre behavior? Is your son sighing and shaking his head as he looks at you? Emotional? Unreasonable? Not following rules? Pursuing interests you don't understand? Withdrawn? Anti-social?............... Now look at your own list.
So stand in your child's shoes and look out. As the parent are you understanding where they are and how they are feeling? Is your home a refuge and a source of strength? Are you modeling positive and constructive life skills and choices? Do your children feel loved, no matter how goofy they are? Ask yourself these questions and be honest. Then ask your teen and compare the answers. Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where find there is solid ground that can be counted on.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I read a great observation by a Mom. This parent was going through all the angst of a newly developing teen-aged child. It was kind of her ah-hah moment. Her 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend's athletic club. Mom walked her child to the front desk where her daughter signed in. The young girl was asked to fill out a card with contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled "child" and "adult", and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at her Mother and asked "What am I?"
That's a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don't feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them "adult." They truly are neither. They are caught in-between the two places. Teens are swimming across an unknown river, trying to get from one side to the other.
Mary Pipher in her classic Reviving Ophelia states this well. She says "Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults.....They don't really fit in anywhere. There's a yearning for place, a search for solid ground."
We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. That old adage, "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins" certainly helps to put this parent/teen thing in perspective. When you look at your teen's world from inside of their shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom feelings can be shared ? Is support and unconditional love felt in the home and is it expressed often? How about pressure....From your teenager's point of view, is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress?
A good exercise might be to briefly put away those life experiences we have all gained from just living longer. Really think back to your own teen years. Hmm. What comes flashing back to you? To me? Well....Insecurity. Longing for acceptance. Wishing my Mom would be cooler and wear a beehive. Long term goals?! Shoot. I never thought ahead past the next few days. Wondering why my Dad got so upset about my tardies in Senorita Wright's class. I had to stay by my locker until Lynn Hoffman passed and slugged me in my shoulder as he walked by. Not understanding my Nanie's expression as I got in her car to go shopping, with orange juice can rollers in my hair. Sobbing on the phone for hours after one seemingly traumatic event or another. Hearing one parent or the other scream up the stairs, "turn that record player down!" Not winning Y-Teen president and feeling betrayed by my friends. Sleeping until 12:00 or 1:00. Fighting with my brothers. Sneaking a ride on a Honda with Tim Flick and hiding the exhaust burn for as long as I could. OK. You get the idea.
Go on. Take a walk down Teen Memory Lane. It's not only fun, it's revealing. Is your daughter exhibiting bizarre behavior? Is your son sighing and shaking his head as he looks at you? Emotional? Unreasonable? Not following rules? Pursuing interests you don't understand? Withdrawn? Anti-social?............... Now look at your own list.
So stand in your child's shoes and look out. As the parent are you understanding where they are and how they are feeling? Is your home a refuge and a source of strength? Are you modeling positive and constructive life skills and choices? Do your children feel loved, no matter how goofy they are? Ask yourself these questions and be honest. Then ask your teen and compare the answers. Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where find there is solid ground that can be counted on.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Your Biggest Bargaining Tool
Several conversations have been going on at school concerning parents who have just given up or don't know what to do with their teenagers. "I can't do a thing with him" is a common quote we hear as teachers. As my child got closer and closer to that magical number 18, I may have even said it myself. I regret it to a certain extent and I hope you never have to regret it.
A.)Learned Parental Helplessness - the last couple of generations have been parents who are steeped in learned helplessness from the increasing liberalization of our society. People have rights and we assume teenagers are privy to those same rights. In fact our Constitution has increasingly supported this thinking, giving children the right to due process. For the most part that is humane thinking, but it is wrongheaded to apply it to every instance in life.
Children are our charges. They are minors and as such as not full citizens in that they cannot transact commerce of a binding legal nature on their own. Until they are old enough, parents have many tools at their disposal to leverage behavior. Children are not entitled to cell phones, landlines, iPods, tv's, DVD players, or cars, even if they have paid for them themselves. Take any one of them away and make your child earn the right to get it back. You are far from powerless or helpless when you have these things at your control.
B.)Life is to be lived and we can't change what will happen. We don't have any control over what will happen to us. Bull. Many people have this philosophical outlook on life to their child's detriment. Do I hear a chorus of Che Serra, Serra in the background? The parent didn't have a plan and turned out alright, so the child will be alright, too. Besides, life is for living and any road will get you there. It's his life.
You may have a child who needs to mature, but you need to grow up, too. Didn't you learn anything at that hippie commune? Yes, life is a fantastic journey, but it demands direction. Yes, some people are so hard-headed that they do have to learn from the school of hard knocks, but wise parents will keep their children's feet moving on a path toward construction or they may witness the total self-destruction of a child right before their very eyes. No matter how old your child is, keep him talking and keep him moving toward a goal. We can't control everything, but we do have more control than we often give ourselves credit for.
C.) When he's 18, I'm bootin' him out of my house. You hear parents say this all the time. I've never understood what it proves. I'm skipping this one.
D.) You are just tired. This is one of the biggest injustices of nature, that just when your child needs you the most - needs your judgement, patience, energy - you are sick to death of all the commitment and are eager to have your life back. You are just tired of the constant battle. I can completely sympathize with you, but it's time to catch a second wind. You have great bargaining tools at your disposal. You also have a great kid. Don't give up now - the race is almost over. Keep going and you will both reap the rewards in the long run.
What is your biggest bargaining tool? You have many at your disposal in reforming your child's bad behavior. Realize where your thinking is coming from. Choose the tools which will have the greatest desired result and don't be afraid to use them. Remember, poor grades are unacceptable; not coming home on time is unacceptable; behavior which violates personal health is unacceptable; breaking the law is unacceptable. Don't stand by idly and do nothing. You don't have to be angry or frustrated - just use your tools.
A.)Learned Parental Helplessness - the last couple of generations have been parents who are steeped in learned helplessness from the increasing liberalization of our society. People have rights and we assume teenagers are privy to those same rights. In fact our Constitution has increasingly supported this thinking, giving children the right to due process. For the most part that is humane thinking, but it is wrongheaded to apply it to every instance in life.
Children are our charges. They are minors and as such as not full citizens in that they cannot transact commerce of a binding legal nature on their own. Until they are old enough, parents have many tools at their disposal to leverage behavior. Children are not entitled to cell phones, landlines, iPods, tv's, DVD players, or cars, even if they have paid for them themselves. Take any one of them away and make your child earn the right to get it back. You are far from powerless or helpless when you have these things at your control.
B.)Life is to be lived and we can't change what will happen. We don't have any control over what will happen to us. Bull. Many people have this philosophical outlook on life to their child's detriment. Do I hear a chorus of Che Serra, Serra in the background? The parent didn't have a plan and turned out alright, so the child will be alright, too. Besides, life is for living and any road will get you there. It's his life.
You may have a child who needs to mature, but you need to grow up, too. Didn't you learn anything at that hippie commune? Yes, life is a fantastic journey, but it demands direction. Yes, some people are so hard-headed that they do have to learn from the school of hard knocks, but wise parents will keep their children's feet moving on a path toward construction or they may witness the total self-destruction of a child right before their very eyes. No matter how old your child is, keep him talking and keep him moving toward a goal. We can't control everything, but we do have more control than we often give ourselves credit for.
C.) When he's 18, I'm bootin' him out of my house. You hear parents say this all the time. I've never understood what it proves. I'm skipping this one.
D.) You are just tired. This is one of the biggest injustices of nature, that just when your child needs you the most - needs your judgement, patience, energy - you are sick to death of all the commitment and are eager to have your life back. You are just tired of the constant battle. I can completely sympathize with you, but it's time to catch a second wind. You have great bargaining tools at your disposal. You also have a great kid. Don't give up now - the race is almost over. Keep going and you will both reap the rewards in the long run.
What is your biggest bargaining tool? You have many at your disposal in reforming your child's bad behavior. Realize where your thinking is coming from. Choose the tools which will have the greatest desired result and don't be afraid to use them. Remember, poor grades are unacceptable; not coming home on time is unacceptable; behavior which violates personal health is unacceptable; breaking the law is unacceptable. Don't stand by idly and do nothing. You don't have to be angry or frustrated - just use your tools.
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