School's Out!!!!

Ah. Snow Days. Remember as a kid, watching the flakes start to fall. And Fall. Temperatures plunging. Hoping. Praying. Calling friends back and forth. "Have you heard anything?" Bugging the local radio station. Watching the television for an announcement. Not doing homework, going to bed, betting on the weather. Your Mom or Dad coming in, early the next morning. "You can go back to sleep." NO SCHOOL TODAY!

When my kids were all home, a Snow Day was always like a holiday. Time for a big breakfast. Older kids on four-wheelers, pulling sleds. Younger kids making snowmen and snow ice cream. Calls to my husband with a grocery list and a request for movie rentals (remember those?). Chicken Noodle Soup and Grilled Cheeses for lunch-usually for at least 8 to 10 kids. Keeping the fire going all day. Chili or Beef Stew simmering on the stove for dinner. Someone was always making cookies or brownies. Maybe even a game of Uno around the fire as we watched "The Karate Kid" or "The Terminator". The first day was exciting, A second day? Less so.

Sleeping children and teenagers everywhere Some mine. Some not. Dirty dishes. Wet clothes dripping in the back hall. The washer and dryer going non-stop. "We don't have anything to eat!" Another grocery run. The Winter Wonderland is turning to slush and mud. Tracks in the hall and up the stairs. Bickering. Arguing. "There's not anything to do...." Then, "will you drop us off at (insert) the mall, the skating rink, the movie, the friend who lives clear across town."

I kept my 4 and 2 year old grandchildren this weekend for what was to be a two night assignment. The weather changed and the ice and snow kept their frantic parents in terminals and airport hotels as they scrambled to get back home. My daughter said I sounded passive aggressive when she called to tell me the airport was closed and they would try to get out the next day. I knew the weather was not their fault, but I was beginning to feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

A cold morning starts early with little ones. You know it is going to be a long day when you resort to Play Dough at 7:45 A.M. You have made a train out of the bar stools and chuga chuga'd until you lose your voice. You blow up the bouncy house in the living room and try to keep the new puppy from tearing a hole in it as your two grandchildren crash into each other.
You just hope they don't need medical attention from the jumping as your car is under 2 inches of ice. You read "Fancy Nancy" and "Thomas the Train" until the words are memorized. The Barney DVD drones endlessly in the background. I love you. You Love me........A snack of Cheetos and juice kills 7 minutes. We make No-Bake Cookies. We make valentines. We make messes. And of course, we make memories.

Parents are now home (two and a half hours from the Tulsa airport to Muskogee in the wee hours this morning ) and all is right with the world. I was not disappointed to get to my house and to my middle-age life. A leisurely coffee and the paper. Taking a shower without an audience. Avoiding the kitchen. Conversations with my husband and my friends. Peace and quiet .

It's been great here at the house this morning. Just great. Great.
Hmm... Well....Maybe I'll just put my snow boots on and walk over to the kids and see what my grand babies are up to.


Snow Ice Cream is something we always made on Snow Days. Here's an easy recipe.

3 cups loose, clean, snow.
2 tablespoons milk or cream
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla

Adjust milk or snow to the consistency you desire.

I have also used Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk and omitted the sugar. It is pretty yummy but of course anything with Eagle Brand is delicious! Chrissie

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Three Points To Consider

An acquaintance stopped me recently to comment on something she had read in a recent entry to Care and Feeding. We began to talk and she said, "I never dreamed how complicated raising a teenage would be. We bounced along pretty well until he turned 13. It was like a light switch, we were on as a family, now we're off. My husband and I are determined to keep our wits about us, be patient, and be consistent." Lucky boy. As he is changing and figuring out who he is, his parents will be steady and dependable. His parents will be someone he can count on.

As we have explored this journey called raising teenagers, three characteristics continue to seem relevant for successful parenting.

First, a positive relationship with your teen is essential to success. When parent-child interactions are characterized by kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish. The bonus is that your child gains self-esteem, confidence, social skills and a sense of who they are and who they want to be.

Second, being genuinely interested in your teen's activities allows you to share this time together, but also to observe behavior. This is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble. When missteps do occur, (and I promise, they will) parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less rebellion from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their teens actually want to live up to those expectations.

Third, parents who encourage independent thought and expression in their children may find that they are raising young men and women who have a healthy sense of self. This confidence gives kids a step up to resist peer pressure and to not make unhealthy decisions.

So- The Gift of Attention and Time. The Duty of Boundaries and Consequence. The Freedom of Self -Discovery. Three traits to model as parents, all under the umbrella of Unconditional Love. As you watch your sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young adults, you may find that the child you have reared is, like that newborn you held for the first time, even better than you could have ever imagined. +++Chrissie

A Blog Recommendation

I have a new favorite blog - Kim Komando. Kim bills herself as America's Digital Goddess, but I will just call her a marketing genius. She graduated from high school at 16 and college at 20. She produces a radio program from her own radio station, no less. Her website is very clean and user friendly, including a blog for parents.

Here is a link to one of her columns from September - an inspiring video story about Patrick Henry Hughes, born without eyes or the use of his legs, and his father, who pushes Patrick's wheelchair on the football field as he "marches" with the University of Louisville marching band. You may have seen it on College Game Day, but if not, you should watch it now. It is the joyous celebration of life and the assertion that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it.

--------------------Melony

A Very Good Year

2009. A fresh start. A clean slate. New Year's Resolutions. Many of us have made personal resolutions for the coming year. Usually at the top of the list is lose weight or to get organized. I always have to wait for the losing weight part until a talented friend's Christmas gift of homemade biscotti is gone. Come on. It's only once a year!

Our own good intentions are great, but how about Family Resolutions for 2009? Have a sit down and network ideas with your spouse and children. Ideas that will improve the quality of your home and family. There is no "right" way to do this, but here is a possible formula.

#1. Make it a festive event. Special snacks. A large tablet and colored markers. Nominate and elect your facilitator and "audio-visual" expert. Turn the phones and TVs off. Open the floor for discussion.

#2. Brainstorm issues, problems, concerns. Talk about the quality of your family's life and how to improve it. It's a time to make plans for the coming year. Then it's a time to figure as a family how to implement them.

#3. Nothing is too silly. Everything is important. Let everyone have a voice. Brainstorm. Write down everything brought up. Keep laughing but address issues.

#4. Go down the list, item by item. Prioritize and rank by order of importance as decided by the family. Some things on the list are no brainers- say like, meatloaf without green peppers; pledges to call Grandma every week; a family vacation destination; but other items on the list may need a little negotiating. Debate is a good thing. Let the pros and cons be heard. Then vote if the resolution should be on the family list. (Note: Make it part of the process that parents can override a majority if the request is out of line-no curfew for example).

#5. Maybe a theme or certain focus would work for your group. Like- a healthier lifestyle, better communication, financial concerns, or more time together as a family. Just determine whatever seems a good and positive direction for you and yours, and as a unit, identify all the ways to get there.

Make 2009 a year to remember. Resolve to make your fabulous family even better. Instead of looking back next December and wishing you all had, look back next December and be glad you all did!

21st Century Wake Up Call for Middle Schoolers

America's grim economic situation is only made grimer by the fact that our high school and college graduates are not prepared for the global work force. As if all the reports during the last 15 years concerning poor student preparedness (Nation at Risk, 1983, 1999) have not been enough to jolt us out of our complacency, the current economic downturn is a wake up call, and we have been hitting the snooze button for too long.

The University of Oklahoma's instructional blog, Pii, recently published the findings of a survey by Washington D.C. based Peter Hart Research Associates, who interviewed 301 businesses concerning entry-level college graduates in their firms. The findings showed that graduates were deemed ready for entry level positions, but did not appear to have the qualities to advance them in the organization.

That seems normal. Few 22-year-olds possess the same abilities as someone who has put in that Rule of 10,000 hours we have been talking about recently. But what the study found grads were deficient in were the kind of 21st century skills we have been talking about in education for at least ten years. Students were most lacking in global knowledge, critical thinking, self-direction, adaptability, and writing skills.

Writing skills? That one threw me, especially since America's high school students do relatively well on the writing assessment on the No Child Left Behind tests. Interestingly, what the corporate CEO's advised colleges to do is GIVE MORE ESSAY TESTS. A really "old school," low tech answer, given all our computer technology, but hey, the countries coming up from behind us - particularly China - are about as old school as you can get. They still hold high expectations for their graduates, along with honor, parental support, and valuing intelligence and education.

On the last Third International Math and Science Study, the top four scoring countries were Singapore, Taiwan, South Korea, and Hong Kong. Students tested were 13 years old. America fell to 12th place, indicating that to get our college graduates up to snuff on their global knowledge, critical thinking skills, and writing ability, we have to get our 13 year olds realigned first. And not just in math and science, but in all subjects.

What Do You Want To Be?

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" Freckle-faced heroes aspire to be firemen or astronauts. Softhearted little girls dream of veterinary medicine as a career. When my own children were small, their career choices were; own a horse farm, be a famous inventor, play the piano and to be a motorcycle stunt driver. Each still #1. loves horses, #2. tinkers with ideas as a hobby, #3. plays the piano for pleasure, and #4. rides anything with wheels, but earning a living at them is another story. The time between childhood and adulthood is when choices are made for the future For many teens and their parents, figuring out a career path early on has become increasingly important.

Tough economic times and the skyrocketing cost of college tuition has put the fire under many parents to help their kids' figure out career goals. A plan helps insure they don't waste a ton of money in college and gets the graduate on the road to making a good paycheck in their early 20s. Trust me. You don't want your twenty-something living in their old bedroom because they can't find a job or can't live independently on their salary. A plan now with your child alleviates a whole lot of potential problems in the future.

College is expensive. I know. We are on the last of our four children and will definitely be doing the Happy Dance when he walks across the stage in Norman. It is a sacrifice my husband and I were glad to make, but as parents, you definitely want to make sure the time and money is well invested and well planned for your student. Well-planned because ultimately, the goal of a college degree is (and I cannot emphasize this enough) is to get a job! No longer can the majority of students with 'any' degree find an easy match to specific career or management training programs. For the first time, a college degree no longer guarantees a job.

One of my favorites, Sean Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens-"As the global marketplace evolves, suddenly our kids are not just competing against neighbors for good jobs, but competing against someone in China and India. Often, kids 13 to 18 don't listen to their parents, and a counselor can help set them straight. I think it can hone their plans."

Teens often have a hard time connecting what they are doing now with what they are going to do in the future. Career counseling not only discovers talents and passions, it helps a high-schooler realize why a challenging curriculum and committed leadership is important today for what they want to do tomorrow. A plan in high school helps a teen get a head start. Getting a better understanding of their natural gifts can only help them get on the right track.

Not only are Career and Aptitude Counselors available, there are free or less expensive online tests that could also provide some valuable information. (Check out JobHuntersBible.com for some options.) There are also a score of books on the subject. Explore Amazon or your local book store for all the titles.

After a teen develops some ideas of what he wants to do, both parent and child need to sit down and figure out how different professions jive with the economy and whether it's a wise decision to pursue a job that is say, becoming extinct! There are lots of lists that pinpoint "hot" careers and up and coming ones. Kids should talk to people who do work they are interested in. Job Shadowing is a good idea. Attending conferences that feature careers like medicine, science, law or leadership are a great opportunity to not only explore possible careers, but also to meet new people, travel and gain a wider perspective.

High School needs to be seen as a starting off point for a successful future. Treading water just does not cut it anymore. Any methods that help a young man or woman succeed should be explored. If your child seems less than focused, perhaps Career Counseling is a tool you should explore. Most of us don't have a driven 14 -year-old that already knows his/her passion. As parents, guiding our child toward a successful life is one of our most important jobs.

Ways of Knowing

Ellie Drago-Severson is an education professor at Columbia University's teaching college. She recently discussed how understanding a person's "way of knowing" can help us interact more effectively with others in the adult world. The most important others, however, are our family members, so understanding how they think can help us refrain from over-reacting when they do not act the in the way in which we expect.

Severson's work is based on the theories of pshcylogist Robert Kegan, whose seminal work traced the development of ways of knowing from early childhood through adulthood. The ways of knowing, which do flow in an upward spiral, do not equate with a person's happiness level or satisfaction with life. They are not intended as "better at the top", "worse at the bottom" judgements. They are merely ways of knowing the world, so here goes:

First Order - magical world
To small children all things are part of a magical world that changes states constantly. Children between the ages of birth to about seven believe what they see. They need to be constantly reminded of the rules because they cannot keep ideas in their minds for a very long time.

Second Order - soverign mind
Children between the ages of seven to ten, adolescents and some adults
People at this level develop beliefs about themselves and the world that remain constant over time, giving rise to insight that lets them know others have opinions, too. Children—and adults—at this stage are self-centred and see others as helpers or barriers on the road to get to their desires. Their actions are based on fear of reprisal at breaking the rules. These people rely on the rules to guide them. They do not have the capacity for abstract thinking. They are rule bound and pretty much self bound. Everything is concrete to these thinkers.

Socializing Knowers (teenagers and most adults):
These people have the capacity to think abstractly. They are driven by others' opinions of them and likewise, feel responsible for other people's feelings because they have internalized them.

Self-Authoring Knowers (some adults):
Self authoring people understand that they function in relationships, but are driven by their own internal values. They can hold contradictory feelings/information at the same time.

As in Maslow's heirarchy, an ultimate transcending order exists in Kegan's matrix, the
Self Transforming or Postmodern Knower (very few adults):
People at this stage can see across all the ways of knowing and recognize that what used to look like differences in thinking are actually quite similar. They recognize that a given mode of thinking has limitations when it is used all the time, even their own mode of thinking.

What does this have to do with teeangers? Most teens will be in the instrumental or socializing knower stage. Recognizing that can help you find ways to get information across to your teen most effectively. It might also explain the behavior of some of your other family members - or of yourself - and help direct it toward a more positive end. Most people utilize knowing that falls in between the orders or combines the orders. Thinking about thinking can help us evolve our thought processes and understand others around us better, help things flow more smoothly and make life less frustrating. Isn't that what we all want?