Earning Freedom

The mom of a teenager and I got in a discussion about teens and curfews. She asked for my input on curfew times for her teen. New curfews and questions about updated rules are definitely on everyone's radar now as a new school year begins. As they go up a grade, teens may have expectations for additional freedom. They will likely be making some new friends and opportunities for new social activities are down the road. This is a good thing. As I often have said, as a parent, you want the phone to ring. So, looking at curfews in the context of additional freedom for Mr. or Ms Independent seems relevant.

What kind of additional freedoms are appropriate as our children grow? Unfortunately, there is no pat answer. Curfew is a personal choice; the right answer for one family may be different than the answer in another. What's important to keep in mind, is that while your teen is learning to manage additional freedom s/he needs to be taking on additional responsibility as well. When the two are not linked, a sense of entitlement may develop that could undermine your best intentions. That sense of entitlement can destroy a teen's progress to maturity and responsibility.

How exactly to link freedom and responsibility? It's not difficult - but it does take intention and attention as a parent. A new drivers license could be accompanied by the responsibility to buy their own gas, or pay for insurance or drive a younger sibling to a class or practice. An extension on the curfew for your new high school freshman could link to a commitment to babysit younger siblings weekly or the requirement that your teen spend Saturday mornings doing chores. Be clear that additional freedom links to additional responsibilities so that your teen learns there is no "free lunch." This is real world life-lesson material.... Perhaps those in our government might disagree, but you don't get something for nothing.

The right curfew time and the right level of freedom for your teen will be determined by his/her level of maturity, your trust in their judgment, your knowledge of their activities and whereabouts and your level of comfort with their friends…. among other things. Talk to other parents. Communicating can provide good ideas as well as a sense for what your teen is expecting. But ultimately, the level of freedom you allow or the time of the curfew is personal choice; don't feel the pressure to do what "everyone else is doing.".

Linking freedom with responsibility heightens the value of the freedom and helps your teen respect their new privileges. Being attentive is required to maximize the value in this approach, so be prepared and tuned in to the role you will need to play. Trust me on this.... you are just loving your child and doing him or her a favor by connecting these two things and not giving them a free ride.

As a side note from one parent to another- Nothing good happens after 12:00. chrissie