Something Old, Something New

We went to a wedding this weekend. It was more than a wedding, it was a coming together of old friends, new friends and of family. It was a celebration of growing up together and growing on. Stories were shared, good times remembered and lots more memories made.

It is a testament to the groom and his family that over one hundred Okies traveled to Cape Cod for the event. I think the beautiful bride's Mother and Dad were a little surprised with the exodus from Oklahoma to Falmouth, Massachusetts. Shoot. Six hours on a plane, four hours in between and then getting to the Cape are nothing to these intrepid and determined wedding guests. We were invited to dance at a wedding, and dance at a wedding we would.

My son was a groomsmen, as were six other local boys. They may live all over the country now, but they stood with their dear friend as he married the love of his life. As this group of handsome and successful young men stood at the altar with the groom, I couldn't help but reminisce, I couldn't help but remember. Batman birthday parties, rickety tree houses, Little League Baseball and tennis lessons. Then there were driver licenses, late night phone calls and ornery things I don't even want to know about. At last, (whew) High School Graduation. We Mothers waved goodbye as they went to their respective colleges and rejoiced at their drive and their success. Now, they are living their lives without us; careers, falling in love, and starting families. Without their Mothers!? Get ready readers. It happens.

Enjoy these times while your children are still home. They won't always be. Cultivate and encourage positive friends and relationships for your kids. It will put them in good stead for a lifetime. Work to keep the lines of communication open while they are still with you. That way, the phone will ring and the door will open when your children no longer live with you. Make traditions out of life events that they remember and won't want to miss. I don't know about you, but Christmas is a lot more Christmasy when everyone is home!

I plan to dance at many weddings. I plan to buy lots of baby gifts. I plan to still take a lot of pictures. These times are precious, just as when my children were small. Life is good and every single day is a blessing. chrissie (The picture is of The Mayflower II. We stopped in Plymouth and saw "The Rock." Walked the Freedom Walk in Boston. The history of our country, right there! Ate lobster the size of a baseball mitt at Martha's Vineyard. Bought a lot of T-shirts. Always a tourist...)

South of Broad

If you have ever read my profile, you will see Pat Conroy is listed as one of my favorite authors. That would probably be an understatement. He is my favorite author. I am reading his newest novel, South of Broad. It is the story of eight friends who find each other their senior year in high school. It's a typical Conroy story that is almost poetic in it's narrative. His characters are an unlikely group of outsiders and insiders that shape who they are and what they will become during their senior year.

Many teenagers who are still insecure, shy, evolving, awkward, socially inept, who are essentially clueless, often compare themselves with those who mature sooner. The "In" crowd is hard to take if your child consider themselves "out". We try to reassure our often insecure children- "Some people are late bloomers" "You have beautiful bone structure." "No, that does not make you look fat." "Why don't you just call some people and get a group to go to the dance?"

The following passage by Conroy captures all the angst of being a teenager. He beautifully illustrates what every boy and every girl experience as they move from childhood to adulthood. Some are lucky enough to move effortlessly through the teen years, most find the passage more difficult to maneuver.

Being a failed teenager is not a crime, but a predicament and a secret crucible. It is a fun-house mirror where distortion and mystification led to the bitter reflection that sometimes ripens into self knowledge. Time is the only ally of the humiliated teenager, who eventually discovers the golden boy of the senior class is a bloated, bald drunk at the twentieth reunion, and that the homecoming queen married a wife-beater and philanderer and died in a drug rehabilitation center before she was thirty. The prince of acne rallied in college and is now head of neurology, and the homeliest girl blossoms in her twenties, marries the chief financial officer of a national bank, and attends her reunion as president of the Junior League. But since a teenager is denied a crystal ball that will predict the future, there is a forced march quality to this unspeakable rite of passage. It is an unforgivable crime for teenagers not to be able to absolve themselves for being ridiculous creatures at the most hazardous time of their lives.
(South of Broad, Pat Conroy; Random House-2009)

The book is available everywhere and is a good read. In another life, Pat Conroy and I will sit at a table somewhere in the south and he will talk, and I will listen. He puts words together like no contemporary author today. Happy Fall. chrissie

She Sings-They Listen

Someone my age has just got to love someone named Taylor Swift. Her grace and class after being interrupted by rapper Kanae West during the MTV- VHI awards was noteworthy. The unfortunate incident brought even more positive attention to this talented nineteen year old. I say even more because she is one of the most popular artists in country music today. Popular with all ages, (my 21 year old for one), but she is incredibly popular with young tween and teen girls.

This is a very good thing.

Researching to write this column reinforced my first reaction to Ms. Swift. She grew up in a strong and supportive family and still lives at home. In high school Taylor was an excellent student. She recognized her talent and followed her dream. The young entertainer moved with the whole fam to Nashville when she began to be noticed as a performer. Amazingly, she did not sign with the first recording company offer because Taylor wanted more artistic control-(at 17!)

This is an age of spoiled and self-centered celebrities. Many such celebrities are famous for being famous. They are known for what they wear, where they hang out, and how much they spend. Our youth are bombarded with which addiction is popular, who is having who's baby, temper tantrums and prima donna's. The topics of "teen" magazines are x-rated and presented as if all choices are acceptable. As parents, we can jump and down and wave our arms. "Hey! Look this way." Be wise." Parents need to do this. But our pictures are not what is hung on our teens bulletin boards. Our words are not in their ipod. What young girls (and boys) need are positive role models who don't preach and who know where our kids are coming from.

That's where we are glad for successful young women like Taylor Swift. She writes her own songs and she speaks the words all young girls want to say. She verbalizes all the angst and the joy that it means to be a teenager. Her lyrics are universal and timeless. I knew exactly what Taylor meant in the following song. When I was in the 10th grade, my senior was on the football team, had a hank of hair that he was always brushing out of his eyes and wore Weejuns with no socks. He ate Bar-B-Que every day at lunch. He had a forest green 442 and always drove with his left arm out the window. I don't think he ever even knew my name.

Fifteen

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven't seen you around, before Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feeling like there nothing to figure out
Well count to ten, take it in
This is life before who you're gonna be
Fifteen

And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you think he's the one
And you're dancing round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tell you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin round but
In your life you'll do greater than dating the boy on the football team
But i didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who Iwas supposed to be at fifteen

You're very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through those doors.

Could anyone have put it any better? Taylor-thanks for speaking the language that our young girls will listen to. Thank you for saying the things they all need to hear. chrissie

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If Only It Was That Easy

Melony's observations about the the President addressing America's school children is (as usual), insightful and well argued. As we often discuss on this site, a good education in this country is becoming less and less the focus of families and schools. Either teaching to the test or teaching to the least performing has become the norm in many systems. When expectations at home are not demanding and support for a rigorous curriculum is non-existent, least performing students become the majority.

Mel's comparison of President Kennedy's push for physical activity and a healthier young population to President Obama's address regarding education is an excellent example. America's children are more obese, out of shape and in poorer health because of their weight than ever before. What lessons did their parents learn from the government's "public service" push in the 60's?

As an aside, did you know Muskogee, Oklahoma was one of the pilot cities for Kennedy's fitness campaign? There was even a city-wide event held at Indian Bowl. All of us were required to wear white shirts and shorts and we performed to "Go you Chicken Fat, go away.....go you chicken fat go." A series of exercises was interspersed between the lyrics. Muskogee students gamely performed with national coverage and politicians looking on, ready for a press opportunity. There was much speculation among Muskogee's school children that President Kennedy himself would be in attendance. Unless he came in disguise and unheralded, he missed the grand event.

I guess what our point is-values can 't be legislated. As someone wiser than I said, "Children learn what they live". If they are raised in an environment with the TV blaring, a belief that hard work is not necessary for success and that goals and aspirations are not defined-they learn mediocrity is acceptable. If home is not a place that nurtures and inspires, they begin to look elsewhere. Rock stars, spoiled athletes and undisciplined celebrities become the role models for a population that truly needs heroes a little closer to home. chrissie

The President's Speech

On Tuesday President Obama will address the nation's K - 12 school children. You can read the text of the speech here:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/

I think what the President is trying to say is good. Teachers and parents have been saying it for thousands of years and not much has changed in our behavior, but maybe the President can make a dent in our progress toward civilization.

Back in the Renaissance Battista Guarino said that "no master can endow a careless and indifferent mind with a passion for learning." The President makes the same basic assertion, saying that "we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world - and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed."

Whether you agree with the President or not, will allow your children to watch his speech or not, one question stands out in my mind and that is, has the value of education sunken so low in America as to necessitate that the President of the United States address it with the nation's children?

Whether you consider the speech just smoke and mirrors political tactics or truly agree with everything the President will say, please just consider the historicity of the speech from more than Republican or Democrat positions - this is the first time a President will ask children to do what is right. President Kennedy asked children to be physically fit over 46 years ago and today we have the worst childhood obesity on record. Perhaps that is because a nation's values can't be handed down by a President - they have to be instrinsic in the people. But, it never hurts to try.
---------Melony

Accentuate the Positive

Being a parent to teens could be compared to a seven year journey. (though just the turning of 20 does not guarantee a parent's trip is over!) Like any road trip, there are twists and turns and unexpected detours. Some detours result in a beautiful scene, memorable experience or exciting adventure- others are the flat tire or over-heated engine that can't be avoided and must be dealt with. We "grown-ups" can make the ride more productive and more positive by concentrating on a three-pronged approach to managing the journey.

First, a positive relationship with our child is essential to success. We just must be. Negativity will short-circuit any attempted connection. Parent-child interactions should be characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love. It's the old. "Is that the choice you think is best for you?" versus, "No way Jose.". The result is a relationship that will flourish. Also gained are self-esteem, mental health, confidence, and the all important social skills.

Second, being genuinely interested in our kids activities allows us to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble. Plus, inter-active teen years are much more fun! Passive involvement and decision making is a guaranteed deal breaker. Get involved and get your teens involved with you. When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.

Third, parents who encourage independent thought and expression in their children may find that they are raising children who have a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.

Trusting our child and entrusting our child gives them a step up as they navigate the decisions and choices they will ultimately be faced with. Giving them enough rope definitely does not always mean they will hang themselves!

Parents who give their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their teen's adventure through adolescence. It is an amazing time, this watching our child go from a dependent youngster to an independent young adult. Don't miss it because communication has broken down.

As we watch our sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young "grownups", we may find that the child we have reared is, like the first time we held them, even better than we could have imagined. chrissie