A Learned Behavior

If your parenting goes as normally planned, your teen or young adult will at some point leave home and live independently. I know.  Mine just left yesterday to go back to their grown up lives.

Life Skills will help your teen be independent and able to live on their own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and their parents. But it isn't easy. Older teens often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed in the world at large. Therefore, they start out at an disadvantage by not getting the confidence a person gains by learning an independent living skill and not having the ability to do the life skill. This makes the transition from a teen at home to their life as a young adult harder. .
You can help your teen be independent by encouraging good habits and helping them learn the life skills it takes to be independent. Here's a few from the experts.: Click on any of the links for more good advice.

1. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness
   Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for teens because every teen I've ever known has needed it. Teens who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.
2. Finding and Keeping a Job
   In order to live independently, your teen will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily. 
3. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food
4. Health and Hygiene Skills
   In order for your teen to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your teen's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.
5. Transportation Skills Or The Ability to Get from One Place to Another
   One life skill that teens need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B.
6. General Housekeeping Skills
7. Money Skills
8. Interpersonal Skills
9. Goal Setting and Obtaining Skills
   Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your teen will need to be a happy and successful adult.
10. Ability to Find Housing
11. Time Management Skills
12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community
13. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies
14. Stress Management Skills
15. Personal Safety Skills

Does your teen need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your teen may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For instance, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your teen each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own. Happy 2012!!  chrissie

Giving Back

As parents, we try to make Christmas about family, friends, love, beliefs and traditions. As a family, we hope to instill in our children that the holiday is not about what we get, it is about being together and counting our blessings. It is difficult if not impossible to keep the abstract ideal of Christmas over the concrete reality of the holiday in America today. First and foremost December 25th seems more like we are celebrating commercialism, consumerism and all too often, over indulging our kids in the process.


Fortunately, The Committee to Encourage Corporate Philanthropy reports that there is a growing trend of people giving to charities at the holidays - either by making donations in someone's name or by stocking up on gifts from places who donate their proceeds.

In fact, hundreds of thousands of dollars can be collected even when individuals spend just a small amount on an individual gift. So maybe it's time to drag our kids away from their video games, mp3 players, and other expensive toys and teach them a life lesson about helping those less fortunate than they are.

Some great places to look:
http://www.heifer.org - Help families across the globe by sending not just heifers, but milk, honeybees, or wool.
http://www.supportunicef.org/ - Unicef accepts donations and also sells holiday cards and gifts to help children in need
httpdr;//awbridges-tore.stores.yahoo.net/cards.html -awbridge sells all-occasion cards made by children without homes
http://www.ebaygivingworks.com/ - Ebay Giving Works allows you to support nonprofit organizations by purchasing a wide variety of items through Ebay auctions
http://shop.stjude.org/ - Buy gifts online and support St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital
http://www.charitymall.com/ - Buy the items you normally buy through your favorite stores online and a portion of the proceeds goes to fund cancer research
http://www.charitygiftcertificates.org/ - CharityChoice gift cards allow the recipient to donate to up to 3 charities of their choice.


Two local non-profits that help Muskogee's children are Kid Space and CASA. Children in protective custody or in the court system have a safe place and an advocate. Monarch Inc. has mothers trying to get their lives straightened out and children who through no fault of their own are involved in the process. These kids are waiting for Santa Claus too. The Salvation Army still needs help with their Angel Tree children. Any church can take donations for the Community Food Pantry. Habitat For Humanity always can use a helping hand. The Red Cross serves needs locally and beyond. The "Give Back" list just goes on and on. There are lots of places to give. Make your choice a family decision. Choose the one that speaks to you and your family.
Merriest of Christmases * Health, Prosperity and Blessings in 2012  chrissie

Pass the Popcorn

School will be out soon.  Here are a list of the most popular "teen" movies of the last two generations.  There are no Edward type vampires or Harry Potter type sorcerers, but they offer different viewpoints of the same subject- being a teen. So take a day off with Ferris or dance at the talent show with Napoleon Dynamite- settle in with your "teen somethings" and enjoy the movie.  Don't forget the popcorn!  Chrissie

1. The Breakfast Club (1985)

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Director John Hughes is the king of teen angst movies, and The Breakfast club is arguably his best work. This flick depicts five high school stereotypes ("the nerd" and "the jock" among them) and shows what happens when they're forced to hang out one Saturday.

2. Clueless (1995)

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This classic 90's high school movie is based on Jane Austen's Emma and follows the transformation of a popular valley girl (perfectly played by Alicia Silverstone) from a self-centered airhead into a do-gooder. A young Paul Rudd stars as the love interest.

3. Mean Girls (2004)

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Starring a pre-gossip rag Lindsay Lohan as a former "Mathlete" who tries to fit into the popular clique, this high school dramedy sets the perfect tone between satirical and sentimental, thanks to a great script by Tina Fey.

4. Better Off Dead (1985)

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Super-irreverent and dark, this teen cult comedy stars John Cusack as a depressed high schooler who wants to end his life but keeps getting interrupted.

5. Grease (1978)

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The original high school musical, Grease stars John Travolta as a 50's greaser and Olivia Newton-John as a sweet, naïve exchange student. The classic soundtrack (including hits like "Summer Nights" and "Greased Lightning") makes this a can't-miss.

6. She's All That (1998)

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The "makeover" is a classic teenage movie sub-genre, and this one, based on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion, stars Rachel Leigh Cook as the nerdy, artsy girl who's transformed into the prom queen.

7. Never Been Kissed (1999)

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Depicting the fantasy of every adult who was less-than-cool in high school, Drew Barrymore stars as an undercover reporter who gets a second chance at being a teen.

8. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

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This totally classic movie is the godfather of the sexy high school comedy. It's most famous for starring a young Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli, a burnt-out surfer dude with a sharp tongue.

9. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

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Another John Hughes classic, Ferris Bueller is a teen fantasy about the ultimate day of playing hooky. Despite its silly tone, it's got deep messages about teen-parent relationships and the identity crisis teens face after high school.

10. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

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This cult hipster comedy is a look at life from the perspective of a goofy, unpopular teen in Idaho. The deadpan one-liners, killer soundtrack and hilarious dance scene make this movie a classic.

From Holly Ashworth, former About.com Guide

To Soothe The Savage Beast

Have you sat during the previews in a movie theater recently?  We can choose the movie to see, but we can’t choose the trailers.  Often the previews are so violent and over-the-top in sensory stimulation you literally have to cover your eyes at times.  Its so loud you have to cover your ears.  That can be pretty difficult when you are frantically trying to distract the kids you brought along.  Few parents with young teens could find much of value in anything on that screen. If this is the best our movie industry can do…. it is a sad example of our contemporary culture.

Here is something that is a good one for parents of teenagers to consider:  what does your teenager’s cultural diet consist of? Does it overload him with stimulation, ultimately desensitizing him to his feelings and internal self? Or is there a healthy balance?

Say your daughter was not a vegetable eater growing up. A pediatrician counsels to view her diet on a weekly basis, rather than a daily one. This even-keeled approach helps avoid fights that would lead to self-defeating results.  How about taking a similar attitude in regards to many issues in raising kids?   Rather than imposing a complete ban on all cultural influences that could be unhealthy for them, more often go with the flow and make choices and decisions as it seems appropriate.  And without really thinking about it, say, the experience of over-stimulation from a heavy-duty scary movie was more often than not balanced by quiet time.  Over the course of a week, balance was usually achieved because of  kids’ natural interests.

Think about it: what are the activities and experiences that provide a healthy counter-balance to the more worrisome cultural inputs your teen ingests? What might some of those soothing activities be?  Quiet time. Time outside in nature. Spiritual resources and connections are an important part of their diet. Creative activities such as music, painting, writing or reading help quiet the mind and feed the soul.

You probably don’t need to shove this down their throats, but rather acting as “facilitator” you can make sure that they get that float down the river, the hike in the mountains, and the lazy day off.  Leave the i-pod in the car and just take a walk.  Soothe the soul spiritually.

Time outside in nature serves as a major spiritual connection for many of us.  It soothes our psyche and our soul. The miracles that abound there give us peace, perspective and a sense of eternity that reaches us on many levels. Even if your teens are spending time ingesting media you don’t like or understand, you can help them find balance by looking at their spectrum of activities over the course of a week.  Do all that you can to make sure they get a varied diet:  some down time, some time in nature, some creative time, some time to reflect and develop their inner and spiritual world. chrissie

Gratitude

 

 Another Thanksgiving come and gone.  Ours was lovely day with my brothers, cousins and our families.  As our grandparents and parents have passed away, we have all made a concerted effort to remain close and involved in each others lives. It's important for us-no one else loves us and knows our history like family.  It is also important for our children and grandchildren.  They need to hear the stories, look at the pictures and share the traditions that make us, us. This generation needs to know where they come from. They need to have an extended family who will dance at their wedding, ooh and ahh over newest additions and cry with each other when it's time to say goodbye.

 This Thanksgiving, between the food and the football, many of us contemplated the things in our lives which we were grateful for, and likely encouraged our children to do the same. Some experts say that by encouraging our children to appreciate what they have, we are also giving them their best shot at happiness. They say that  gratitude, combined with the sense of satisfaction in having earned what is ours, is a primary source of happiness. 

 For most of us, raising "happy" children is one of our primary goals as parents. But, these experts say that our attempts to make our children happy, may be backfiring. Many of us work too hard to smooth the way for our kids and satisfy their every want, thus inadvertently denying them the very happiness we seek to give. On the plus side, these experts also say that this troubled economy is actually making us more grateful for what we have (even though we might have less than we used to) and is causing many to question the materialistic ideals of the boom years. By modeling our gratitude for our kids, we are teaching them a valuable lesson that will stand them in good stead over time.

Almost December.  Take a deep breath- and here we go.  chrissie

Are They Here Yet?

 Game Day 2009 -All In One Place

There is a phenomenon experienced by many pregnant women called nesting. When a mother-to-be gets close to her delivery date, she begins a frantic push to prepare for the arrival of her baby.  It seems only natural that there is a primal urge to prepare a safe and welcoming place for a child.  I am asserting that no matter what the age of said son or daughter, Mothers still work themselves into a frenzy before their children come home.

I have not been out of my pajamas for three days. I've been cooking all the favorite things that my children expect and appreciate when they come home.  More than just happy, I feel contented and peaceful.  Before the cooking, I was organizing and redoing rooms upstairs.  New bedding, washing windows, cleaning out closets. Finally parted with most of their remnants of high school-hung on to a tennis jacket here, a cheerleader uniform there. I planted pansies, raked leaves, laid fires-I just got ready, for my children to come home. Here. Home.

Babysat my grand babies last night.  They made the TV choices and we sat down to Toy Story III.  If you don't know the story, Woody and Company are losing their boy, Andy, who if off to college. I won't spoil the ending but anyone who has walked into an empty bedroom after a child first leaves for school will be crying with the toys.  I looked over at my husband and he was even misty.  The lesson in the end of the movie is that life is a cycle and it's best we accept the changes.   My addition to that is, why not celebrate the journey?
 

Mine don't live here all the time (I refuse to say "anymore")  but when they do come home, it will always be a place they feel safe, they feel happy, they feel peaceful and they know they are loved. Home.

Made in America

It's that time of the year again. We are all starting to think about shopping for Christmas. Making lists. Checking it twice. Those of you who are already finished are just show offs!

There is a new ad campaign that caught my attention. Small Saturday. The idea is to buy something locally this Saturday. Not just a necessity but make a point to support a retailer in our own hometown. It's a great idea. and easy. Anything I buy Saturday also shortens my Christmas list.

Buying American takes the idea to the next level. There's been a lot said about how much of what we buy is made overseas. Even the Smithsonian gift shop in Washington was guilty. The Washington Monument souvenir-made in China. Over 70% of the merchandise in the museum was imported from somewhere else.

Yes, we may have to pay a little more if we buy American. Competition is important but putting a free market system against a communist labor force is just not playing fair. We have sold out to countries where human rights are not in the equation and sacrificed our own way of life to do so. More important, our children's way of life.

Below are some Christmas shopping ideas to start changing how we spend our money- It came from a friend who has the right idea. Thanks Marion.

It's time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?

Everyone -- yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It's appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn't appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the Benjamins on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants -- all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn't the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn't about big National chains -- this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn't use an oil change for their car, truck or motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn't imagine.

THIS is the new American Christmas tradition.

Forward this to everyone on your mailing list -- post it to discussion groups

-- throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in your city

-- send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations, and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other, and isn't that what Christmas is about?

It's me again. Muskogee Tourism is conducting a survey, looking at branding options for our community. It only takes a few minutes and adds your voice to the direction our hometown is heading. Go to www.muskogeechamber.org and add your two cents to the survey. Its a chance to be heard and even better, to be part of the plan!! chrissie

Well Done

We talk a lot on this site about raising our children right. How to give our sons and daughters the tools to live successfully and to live honorably. As a parent, we cannot guarantee the circumstances they will find themselves in as adults, but we cross our fingers, hoping we have prepared them well, no matter what life has to offer.

A childhood friend of my daughter's has had those unusual circumstances. She grew up in Muskogee, went to OU and then on to her career. She met a young man from California, they fell in love and they were married. She began to work in the family business. They had a beautiful baby.

You ask, "What is unusual about that?" What is unusual is this young woman is married to a 5 time Nascar Sprint Cup Champion. The life she is living could have changed who she was and where she came from. Instead, Chandra Johnson has chosen to focus on the values she learned at home. Family. Friends.

Living a public life, she is intensely protective of her private one. Except in one aspect. Chandra is willing to step into the spotlight if it can make a difference. Habitat for Humanity, Make a Wish , Victory Junction, The Jimmie Johnson Champions Grant Program. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson have truly taken the blessings and opportunities offered them and shared their good fortune.

I am proud of Chani. She has grown up to be a fine and exceptional young woman. She is handling this life she is living with dignity and honor. I know her Mother and Father are exceptionally proud of her. They should be. She learned it all from them.

Great job Jack and Lynn!! chrissie

Below is a link Jimmie shared.

http://www.twitvid.com/FEV6L

Use Your Noggin

Do you ever wonder how your teenager makes decisions? Sometimes a teen’s baffling behavior is a result of a decision making process that makes perfect sense to him…but leaves parents wondering. Actually, good decision-making is a learned skill, and it’s one that parents can play a key role in teaching. One of my favorite experts, Sue Blaney has some great tips on helping your teen think before he/she acts and learn to make the right decisions.

Why do teens sometimes make poor decisions.? Experts say that there are several reasons, some of which are developmental.

• Brain development: The part of the teen brain that is not yet fully developed is responsible for long-range thinking, seeing consequences for actions and the big picture. If your teen doesn’t seem to grasp the long view or see consequences for the choices she makes, she’s not lost forever, she’s just in that stage, developmentally, where these capacities are not yet reliable.
• Social pressure: Teens value friends above all else. A parent should know this.They care deeply about how their actions and are judged and evaluated by their peers. It isn’t as simple as what we think of as typical “peer pressure,” the influence of a teen’s social world on his/her decision making can be much more subtle and more pervasive.
• Lack of experience: Adults’ decisions are based upon many things, not the least of which is experience. This point is simple: teens lack the experience that will help inform good decisions. And they don’t know what they don’t know. This is really good one to remember in one of those "what were they thinking" moments.
  
• Emotions: Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults. This emotional landscape can impact the level headedness required for good decisions. If you have ever heard the door slam or seen the waterworks start, you know this is a valid point.
  

How can a parent coach your teen to make good decisions? Think about how you make the important decisions in your life. You probably use a process*, whether you are conscious of it or not. This process, and the process that can help your teen probably includes some or all of the steps below:

• Recognize that a decision needs to be made.
• Understand the ideal goal of the decision.
• Develop a list of options.
• Identify the positive and negative consequences of the choices.
• Examine the desirability of each option
• Evaluate the probability for each option.

Teach your teenager to examine, consider and evaluate these steps when making important decisions. Show him how you have used this process in a big decision, so it becomes a concrete process, not just a theoretical one. By teaching them to apply a process to their decision-making they will be more equipped to mitigate the influences that can throw them off base from the start.

Be specific, then let him take charge. One of the challenges parents face with teens is, while they can be flakey, they need to have the opportunity to make decisions. Sometimes they will do a great job, and sometimes they will create problems with their poor decisions. They need the opportunity to learn from each. One mom asked about the challenge she faces with her son as he organizes his social life. You know the scene here… your young teenager coordinates with friends – and we know how often those plans change! – and then simply expects his mom to be available to take him where he needs to go. While she tries to help out, there are times his last minute scheduling creates real challenges for her. She questions how she can teach him good decision making skills that also take her needs and schedule into account. Great question. There are several things parents can keep in mind here: guidelines, consequences for actions, and speaking about your needs when everyone is in the right mood.

She has a conversation with her son when the time felt right – not when he is in the midst of making plans with his friends – and explain that she has her own schedule and needs and won’t always be available to accommodate him. Presented in the right way he’ll get this. Then, they can jointly create some guidelines that might include a few key questions that he needs to cover every time he is making plans with his friends. These questions might include: “How am I going to get where I want to go?” ”Have I asked permission?” ”Have I given my parents plenty of advance notice?” ”Do I have a ride both ways?” etc. After discussing these questions with her son, she leaves them on the family bulletin board. This way it becomes his responsibility to answer them and have his ducks in a row well before the event. He’ll learn about planning ahead, he’ll have a framework for expectations, and some guidelines on what he needs to do. The consequences may come into play when last minute plans cannot be accommodated by mom.

It’s a process teaching kids to make good decisions, and a parent’s approach is most effective when it empowers their child and allows them to practice and learn. Hmm....so decisions are not just intuitive. We can help our children think things through by a process. Just like potting training and multiplication tables, they need us. They really need us. chrissie

%#$@

I am always taken back when I hear how some parents talk in front of their children. I am even more taken back when I hear how some parents talk TO their children. Walk through the local discount stores and your ears burn. If children learn what they live, the language some of their role models use is sending the wrong message. Boy, is it!

A new study links middle-schoolers’ exposure to profanity via TV or video games to their use of cuss words and aggressive behavior.

You might not find this surprising, especially if you’ve ever eavesdropped on a group of 12- or 13-year-olds who matter-of -factly drop the F-bomb . More than just bad language, researchers have studied how exposure to profanity actually affects teen behavior.

The look at profanity's connection to aggression comes after “hundreds of studies have shown links between exposure to violence, sexual behavior and substance use in media, and subsequent behavior,” the scientists write in a report published online in Monday in Pediatrics.

The researchers asked 223 students at a large Midwestern middle school to complete a questionnaires about their exposure to profanity on TV shows or video games. They also asked, what the tweens thought about profanity and whether they used it, or whether they engaged in aggressive behavior, such as hitting others or spreading rumors about them.

Surprise. There is a link between hearing and using profanity, and aggressive behavior. Statistical analysis of their findings suggests aggressive behavior is exacerbated by violent and profane language.

“Parents should be looking at what their kids are watching," says lead author Sarah Coyne, an assistant professor of family life at Brigham Young University. She notes that profanity appears to be creeping in to more “family friendly” programming than ever. Amen. My four year old grandson was watching Avatar yesterday. I had never seen it and was busy in the kitchen when a very inappropriate word came out of a very blue character's mouth. Grandson was a little disconcerted when I changed the channel. Luckily, Dinosaur Dan was a good distraction.

For that matter, Coyne says it’s important for mom and dad to watch the potty mouth at home, too. She says, “I think that most people slip up from time to time in terms of profanity,” she says. “Just be as careful as you can. If you do slip up, apologize. Point out, it happens, but is not appropriate.

The world of our tweens and teens is turbulent enough with what we can't control. Adding to the chaos with coarse language sets a poor example and may be contributing to inappropriate and even violent behavior. Good manners and civilized behavior are important tools to give our children. Limit the expletives and use our beautiful and descriptive English language to communicate. Words have power. The world has been changed over and over again by those who use words well. Others create fear, hostility and insecurity with their word choices. What are you setting in motion in your family? chrissie

Go To Bed

If you have a teen at home, you may have noticed they are night owls. Gone are the set bedtimes of childhood as they spend endless hours in after school activities, at late night jobs or just in their room, awake and busy. Maybe it's homework, maybe it's video games, but getting them up the next morning is often difficult and stressful. Bleary eyed, they stagger out the door to meet the day.

Turns out the inconvenience is not the only issue with teens and their sleep patterns. It also puts kids at greater risk in serious situations. According to a new survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, students who get less than8 hours of sleep per night are 86 per cent more likely to seriously consider suicide and more than 60 percent more likely to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. The study further states that chronically tired high-schoolers also fight, have sex and use drugs more often than their well rested peers.

Experts say kids between the ages of 10 and 17 need 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep nightly in order to exercise good judgement. Two out of three adolescents don't get that much sleep, and that may be handicapping their ability to resist peer pressure and properly gauge the consequences of their actions. Sleep deprivation may be a cause or a symptom-either way, the issue needs to be addressed in a family.

More disturbing news from the same study. Other bad habits that contribute to fatigue: drinking lots of sugary pop, lack of exercise. and spending hours in front of the computer.

Getting teens to bed may not solve all their behavior problems, but sleep is critical to the repair process. It is just common sense to know rest is an important part of mental and physical health. It may be difficult, but parents need to set consistent bed times for their teens.

Shakespeare knew what he was talking about- Macbeth, mad with guilt and remorse, says it all.

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care

The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath

Balm of hurt minds, nature's second course

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

chrissie

Never Say Never

I had a lovely time tonight. A harvest moon, a perfect fall evening, A Happy Meal and my grandson Wagner's soccer game. Nothing like watching 4 -year- olds chase crickets, run out of their shoes and high five at every opportunity. We actually won the game. The Wag Man was unsure as to whether he had contributed to a goal but was pretty sure he had.

Last week, grandaughter Annebelle sang her little heart out at a school program. Only a grandmother would have been able to pick her out of the risers full of 2nd graders but she sparkled like a new penny to me. How blessed I am to live close enough to share their lives.

I love being a grandmother but have noticed more mature women are not the Nanna's or the Mimi's but are the Mothers. There are growing numbers of women who are having children after 35 and are parenting teens way into their 50's. Thanks to fertility breakthroughs and changing lifestyles, there is now a bumper crop of teens with parents old enough to join the AARP.

More are on the way: In 2006, one in 12 first-time Moms were over 35, up from one in 100 in 1970; and in 2009, the only women with rising birthrates were those ages 40-44. (National Center for Health Statistics)

It seems like a huge social experiment. There is little research about how it works out for parents or kids in the years beyond babyhood. Seems to me, it would keep the parent more active. Older folks would be a little more wise. They would be a little more grateful. Surely, not sweating the small stuff comes with the territory? A mellow Mom or Dad might not be so bad after all.

Here are some simple tips for mature parents from child psychologist- Jennifer Lunder.

*Learn about things your kids like, but don't take it too far. You don't want to look like a parent trying to be a teenager- whether you are 35 or 65.

*Overcome any fear of new technology. Take lessons. Practice. Ask your teens how it works.

*Be as open an you can about events in your life that might affect your teen-including your health and your plans for retirement.

Whatever our age, parenting takes patience and confidence and courage- and a whole lot of love!

chrissie

No Money Tree

Another October. Pumpkins. mums and football. Cooler weather, apple cider and geese flying over. Its a great season but this fall, the economy here and abroad is terrifying. There are some serious issues that need to be addressed and no band-aid is going to fix what ails us. I was sent the following article by Tom Dyson, publisher of The Palm Beach Letter and thought I would pass it along. Take what you want and leave the rest, but hopefully, it will get you and your family thinking about the financial lessons you are teaching your children. chrissie

I wrote this essay for your children and grandchildren.

You've probably heard about America's huge debt load. The U.S. government's financial obligations now exceed $663,000 per American family. This burden will fall on the youngest Americans.

It's unethical. It's unfortunate. But it's the reality.

With this giant financial obligation bearing down on them, it's critical that now – right now – your children and grandchildren learn about money and finance. They need to know the basic principles… like how to be independent, why debt is dangerous, and how to grow money.

They don't teach finance in schools. If you don't teach them this knowledge, no one will. They call this financial illiteracy.

If our children are financially illiterate, they have as much chance of survival as a swordsman in a gunfight. There will be no mercy for the financially illiterate in the future. It's likely these people will live as indentured servants to the government and its creditors.

But if our kids have a grasp of finance and its basics – and they obey its laws – they will grow up rich. They will be in a position to help other Americans, too.

Below, you'll find the three vital financial concepts all children need to understand. Please pass them on to your children and grandchildren as soon as you can. I have two young children… And these three concepts are my starting point for their financial education.

First of all, our kids must know that they are not entitled to money or wealth… or anything for that matter, even Christmas presents. They must earn money. I want my children to learn that they shouldn't expect anything to be handed to them. I don't want them to rely on the government for their livelihood, like many people do right now.

So many people treat money and prosperity as an entitlement. The government even calls its welfare programs "entitlements." This word – and what it represents – gets stamped into young people's brains. Kids act as if they are somehow entitled to toys, video games, and cars. But why should they be? Just because they have parents, it doesn't mean they should get everything they want… or anything at all, for that matter.

I plan to regularly remind my children of this when they are old enough to understand it. And I'm not going to pay my kids an allowance. An allowance would reinforce the sense of entitlement. They can make money by earning it: doing the dishes, making their beds, mowing the lawn… there are a million things. My wife and I will pay them for doing those things. But I'm not going to just give them money.

The second concept our children need to understand is debt. Debt is expensive. If you abuse it, it will destroy you. Like the entitlement mentality, debt is an enslaver. It robs you of your independence. I avoid debt in my personal life… and when I'm choosing investments.

The best way to illustrate the cost of debt is to calculate the total amount of interest the debt generates in dollars over the lifetime of the loan, instead of looking at the interest rate (like most people do). Once you look at it like that, you can see how expensive borrowing money really is.

For example, say you borrow $100,000 with a 30-year mortgage at 7%. Over 30 years, you'll end up paying $140,000 in interest to the bank. In the end, you're out $240,000 for a house that cost less than half that. Not a good deal.

The third thing our kids need to learn is the power of compound interest and the best way to harness it.

Compound interest is the most powerful force in finance. It is the force behind almost every fortune. The brilliant Richard Russell calls compound interest "The Royal Road to Riches." And it's mathematically guaranteed.

Let's say, for example, you have $100 earning 10% annual interest. At the end of a year, you'll have $110. During the second year, you'll earn interest on $110 instead of $100. In the third year, you'll earn interest on $121… and so on. This is the power of compound interest. The numbers get enormous over time, simply because you're earning interest on your interest.

Because time is the most important element in compounding, it's an incredibly powerful idea for children to understand. They have the ultimate edge in the market: the time to compound over decades.

The stock market is the best place to earn compound interest. You buy companies that have 50 years or more of rising dividend payments ahead of them. Then you let the mathematics work.

As soon as my kids are old enough to understand some arithmetic, I am going to sit down with the classic compounding tables and show them which stocks they have to buy. I'll use Coca-Cola, Johnson & Johnson, and Phillip Morris as examples.

After that, assuming they have the discipline to follow through, they will get rich. There's no doubt about it.

In sum, you have the responsibility to educate your kin about finance. If you don't, no one else will, and they will suffer for it.

Encourage them to work hard and avoid the entitlement mentality. Teach them the power of compound interest and explain the dangers of debt.

If you do this, you will equip your kids and grandkids to survive financially in the difficult circumstances ahead. You'll provide them with something that nobody can place a price on: the power of independence.
Good investing.

On The Same Page

Teenagers are brilliant. Teenagers are intuitive. Teenagers are clever. A teenager can sense weakness and shatter a parent's best intentions. A Mother and a Father with a difference of opinion are a chink in the armor of parenting. A Mother and Father in a parenting standoff are the million dollar payoff for their teen.

Co-parenting takes a plan. It takes strategy. It takes compromise. Here are several tips from one Sue Blaney to insure a united front when it comes to parenting your teenager.

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

Raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. chrissie

Texting our Teens

Communicating with our children has taken a whole new direction. Texting was something I initially did not use to contact someone. I was too slow typing what I wanted to say and I needed the feedback of a real voice to communicate. As time has passed, I find myself texting more and calling less.

I read an interesting article recently. The writer argues that kids need to hear their parent's voice. Instant messaging may be one of the hottest ways for kids to communicate, but it doesn't hold a candle to hearing Mom when you're a stressed-out tween.

For young girls, the sounds of a mother's reassuring words over the telephone were as soothing as talking with her in person, finds a new study. When researchers compared these reactions to daughters who had only a high-tech IM exchange with their Moms, they found the girl's stress levels were similar to those who had no contact with a parent at all.

"Hearing one another is still an important part of human communication," says Leslie Seltzer, a post-doctoral fellow in biological anthropology at the University of Wisconsin. The study tracked 68 girls between the ages of seven-and-a-half and 12. All the girls completed a questionnaire about their mother-daughter relationships and were given a 15-minute task to test their math and verbal skills.

Afterward the girls were assigned to one of four groups: One saw and spoke with their mother for 15 minutes after the stressful task, a second had a phone conversation for the same amount of time, a third could instant message their Moms, and a fourth had no parental communication.

Participants had both their cortisol levels in their saliva, a measure of stress hormones, as well as their oxytocin levels in the urine, a hormone linked with mother-child bonding, tested frequently during the experiment. Scientists found that stress levels of the girls who had no parental interaction were similar to those who texted and were higher overall than girls who had direct or verbal contact with their mothers. And the girl's who texted did not release oxytocin, a response comparable to those having no parental contact.

"Instant messaging falls short of the mark when it comes to conveying a hormonal signal of comfort," explains Seltzer. "It makes sense that the hormones responsible for attachment and stress-buffering would respond to social vocalizations, which are several billion years old, as opposed to writing in any form, which is a very recent innovation," she adds.

Interestingly, the strength of the mother-daughter relationship didn't seem to influence communication. And while tweens may IM their peers for comfort, exchanging texts with Mom may be totally different. A daughter's stress levels could possibly climb if a parent is not as quick with the words or as adept with the technology as her friends.

Seltzer says she would be surprised if a generation who have grown up texting and IMing will have a different physiological response to their child's use of these technologies when they eventually become parents.

"That would represent an ability very unique to humans -- the ability to elicit a hormonal cascade in response to viewing symbols," Seltzer explains. Talk about evolution.

But for now, with our own children, it seems they need to hear our voice. Communicating by texting does not offer the emotional support our sons and daughters need to feel safe and comforted. See, we knew it all along! Chrissie

Middle School Angst

Ask any adult you know: Which school years were hardest for you? Then brace yourself for a grimace, followed by one of these responses:

a) Middle school.
b) Ninth grade.
c) All of the above.

Why are those years so harrowing for so many, decade after decade? Well, besides the raging hormones, acne, peer pressure, impersonal schools, cliques, bullying and, these days, the potential for kids to destroy their reputations for life on Facebook, there’s also this: the birth throes of an adult brain.

“Whoever you were in the ninth grade you probably still are as an adult,” said Howard Gradet of Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Social Organization of Schools. “You don’t change all that much. We cover it up for a lot of reasons as adults, but that ninth-grader is still recognizable today. Reading this statement struck a chord with me. I see this as valid in how I see myself and how I see my now grown children.

Reducing drama and trauma
Growing numbers of parents are deciding that traditional public schools aren’t doing enough to answer those questions for their kids. They’re hungry for alternatives during this difficult chapter of their children’s lives. And, as it turns out, alternatives abound.

Some parents yank their kids out of public school and opt for private school or home-schooling instead. Others turn to charter schools for tuition-free options. Still others, whose kids may be having a hard time focusing in large, chaotic classrooms, seek out online classes. In fact, online learning programs are becoming so popular that more than 4 million students participated in them in 2010, according to the International Association of K-12 Online Learning.

Students can tackle core academic subjects at their own pace. One 14 year old states, “Having 38 kids in a classroom is very challenging,” she said, noting how long it can take the teacher to get the room under control. “This way I’ll really be able to focus on learning well without being distracted by other kids ... I usually get the information the first time, so having to go over it again and again can be a source of frustration for me.”

Additionally, a sensitive teen will be spared at least some of the “puberty and dramas” of middle school.

You may argue that middle school is ‘training for life.' On-line proponents argue, "when is life like this? When else in your life are you surrounded by 30 other kids your exact same age who are catty, gossiping, with hormones raging? But we have this idea that it’s a rite of passage. A rite of passage for what? Trauma? As a parent, we sheepishly answer, "well...no"

If your child is having a hard time with the middle school transition- do your homework. No matter how much your kids don’t want you to, know what’s going on in their school. Experts advise, Go to the school if you have to. Find out why they’re depressed. Maybe they’re being picked on, or maybe there’s a teacher who’s making them miserable. Something’s not right.”

James Gradet of Johns Hopkins University is an expert on educating ninth-graders, Gradet said it’s all too common for parents to take an excessively hands-off approach once their kids reach high school. Parents do this with good motives, thinking their teenagers need to learn how to go it alone as they get older.

“You do have to back off to an extent, that’s true, but it’s not an all-or-nothing thing,” Gradet said. “It’s easy to think, ‘Whew, I got him to this point and now he’s safe.’ No, he’s not safe. Stay involved. Check his notebook. Show an interest. That really says something to a kid. He thinks, ‘My parents are still interested in what I’m doing, and I still have to answer to them.’ ”

A new middle-schooler getting overwhelmed in a new, huge school — is alarmingly typical. Large, impersonal settings can make it easy for a student to feel invisible, and that sense of invisibility can put a student at risk of dropping out.

“In a typical high school, where the ninth-grade kids are all over the building, their first-period class may be on the first floor of C wing and their second-period class may be on the third floor of A wing,” Gradet said. “There’s a lot of space in between where you can find something to do that’s more fun than going to that next class.”

Gradet and his colleagues have helped to pioneer a “talent development” model for ninth grade that has been implemented in hundreds of public schools around the country — in part to counteract the more than 1,600 large high schools they’ve identified as “dropout factories” because they graduate 60 percent or less of their students. About 2.1 million students attend such beleaguered schools across the United States.

In the talent development model, all the ninth-graders stay together all day in the same section of the school, and all the students and teachers get to know each other well. “The kids aren’t invisible — they can’t be invisible.

Other parents have opted for private school for their kids — regardless of cost. Many parents choose this route because they’re deeply affected by private schools’ results. A Department of Education study of students who attended private schools affiliated with the National Association of Independent Schools revealed that 99 percent graduated from high school, and more than 90 percent went on to four-year colleges.

Unfortunately, private schools are an income dilemma. Tuition is expensive and that doesn't include curriculum or food or uniforms. Home-schooling is another popular option and has become mainstream. Resources, materials and support are readily available through the internet. Home Schooling has moved to mainstream and there is no stigma anymore. It is an increasingly popular choice for parents who have the time and the inclination to educate their own children.

Traditional middle school, on-line, private, charter or home-school? There are now several options available to your family. What is important is that the choices you make can impact your child for a lifetime. Reducing drama and trauma. Keep tuned in and all lines of communication open as your child makes this next important step in his/her education and life. chrissie

What's a Phone Book?

The current freshmen entering college who will make up the Class of 2015 have no remembrance of what life was like before the Internet, what this whole Communist Party fuss was about in Russia and that Amazon was once just known as a river in South America.

Ferris Bueller could technically be their dad at this point, and they probably don’t know the name of the bar where everybody knows your name. What follows is used to help college professors relate to their students, particularly, their incoming Freshman class.

College Mindset List was created by former Beloit College public affairs director Ron Nief and Keefer Professor of Humanities Tom McBride to ensure the faculty would avoid out-of-touch references in their work and lectures. Compiled at www.mindsetmoment.com, the list has also served to illustrate the speed at which what was once current can become old in an instant.

This year’s incoming class has no memory of the George Bush who once famously uttered, “Read my lips: No new taxes.’’ To them, he is just the elderly father of the George Bush who famously declared “Mission accomplished!’’ on an aircraft carrier when talking about operations in Iraq.

Text messaging has been a normal part of life, while dialing a phone (what's a dial?) sounds like something out of the Stone Age. The thought of O.J. Simpson running a football rather than running from the law is hard to fathom. Any story that starts to drag on gets cut short with a quick “yadda, yadda, yadda.’’

Below are the top 20 items from the list of 75 cultural touchtones compiled by Beloit College. Other highlights include “Dial-up is soooooooooooo last century!’’ “Music has always been available via free downloads,’’ and “Some of them have been inspired to actually cook by watching the Food Channel.’’

In the sports world, “They’ve always wanted to be like Shaq or Kobe: Michael Who?’’ At Mass, the presence of an altar girl merits a shrug. When it’s time to end that relationship, why do it in person when texting, Facebook, or MySpace will do the trick?

The Top 20

1. There has always been an Internet ramp onto the information highway.
2. Ferris Bueller and Sloane Peterson could be their parents.
3. States and Velcro parents have always been requiring that they wear their bike helmets.
4. The only significant labor disputes in their lifetimes have been in major league sports.
5. There have always been at least two women on the Supreme Court, and women have always commanded U.S. Navy ships.
6. They “swipe” cards, not merchandise.
7. As they’ve grown up on websites and cell phones, adult experts have constantly fretted about their alleged deficits of empathy and concentration.
8. Their school’s “blackboards” have always been getting smarter.
9. “Don’t touch that dial!”….what dial?
10. American tax forms have always been available in Spanish.
11. More Americans have always traveled to Latin America than to Europe.
12. Amazon has never been just a river in South America.
13. Refer to LBJ, and they might assume you're talking about LeBron James.
14. All their lives, Whitney Houston has always been declaring “I Will Always Love You.”
15. They have no idea what a roll of film is.
16. Women have never been too old to have children.
17. Japan has always been importing rice.
18. Jim Carrey has always been bigger than a pet detective.
19. We have never asked, and they have never had to tell.
20. Life has always been like a box of chocolates.

Forrest Gump aside, the world as we know it is whirling faster and faster. It seems like just yesterday has become my mantra. Blink and another year is gone. Blink and your toddler is off to college. Blink and what seemed relevant is now obsolete. That's it. I am not blinking again! chrissie

It Takes Practice

The tween years are difficult. Making the transition between childhood and toward "teenager" is an emotional roller coaster- for both child and parent Parents magazine offers some tips for making the process a little easier. Five essential skills that help children relate to others, respond to their own feelings, and negotiate conflict to help build lasting personal relationships and succeed in school.

When your child managed to wrestle her own tights on, or propeled her fork to her lips without bouncing bunny-shaped macaroni onto the carpet, you felt a surge of pride: She learned to do for herself. And when she gets a little older and tackles her homework without being hounded or teaches you how to set your preferences on your new Pda, you want to cry with gratitude.

Kids these days, as they might put it, have mad skillz. But don't let them stop there -- they need to master more than self-care and smartphones to be both happy and successful in life. Being able to control impulses, delay gratification, and identify and manage feelings are all skills that fall under the category of emotional intelligence. Social intelligence is all about being able to relate to others, respond to their feelings and cues, and negotiate conflicts. Learning these techniques is important not only so your kids will have friends to complain about their parents to, but also so that they can do well in school. Here are five such skills you can help your child develop that will set him or her up for life.

How to be a loser

No mom wants her child to be a loser in the good-at-nothing, eating-lunch-alone, social-outcast sense of the word. But literally learning how to lose at something, handle it, and then bounce back is critical to beng happy. Think about it: Losing a race or game is nice training for when he doesn't get into the college he wanted.

Most children tend to take losing in stride. One reason some still don't is that tween children can become so focused on the outcome of a process (getting to sit next to a friend, being chosen first for a team, scoring the highest) that they lose sight of what's fun along the way, says Pam Schiller, Ph.D., author of Seven Skills for School Success. The trick is to get their eyes off the prize. If your child loses a ball game, for example, Schiller suggests saying, "So you didn't win. Let's talk about some of the other things that happened. Did you enjoy getting out there and playing with the other guys on your team? Did you enjoy the other parents cheering for you? Did you enjoy being outside?" The goal, Schiller emphasizes, is to "take them away from the idea that if they didn't win, it wasn't any fun."

How to be a joiner

You don't want your child to be indistinguishable from the flock, but knowing how to join in an activity or a preexisting group -- rather than sitting on the sidelines -- is good training for the future. In every aspect of life, she's going to have to work in a group, on school projects or at a job. Kids and adults are frequently thrown together with people they might not ordinarily choose, and they need to be able to negotiate different ideas and realize that others have important things to contribute, too. Leaders are often the ones who are able to glue a team together.

School-age kids usually have the nonverbal signals down but tend toward black-and-white thinking, notes Shapiro. If your child says, "But nobody likes me," help her focus on the kids who do. She may just need help choosing the right group to join, rather than constantly knocking on closed doors. "What parents don't realize is that kids do well with kids who are like them," says Shapiro. If your child is shy, pair her off with other shy kids; if she's into Star Wars, steer her to other kids who like Star Wars. "Friendship skills are learned through practice, and you can help her find the right kinds of friends to practice on," he adds.

How to fight for what's right

Being the defender of someone lower on the social food chain than you is enormously scary -- it can feel as though your entire social survival is at stake, which is why almost all kids need help to do so. Having both the confidence and the moral judgment to not only refuse to join in when another kid is being teased but also walk away or -- even better -- verbally stand up for that person involves a few different skills: empathy (understanding that the victim is being hurt), the ability to strategize (that is, to devise a course of action), and the savvy to anticipate what the other kids will do.

The stakes are quite a bit higher for school-age children who now have cliques and BFFs they feel they need to be loyal to. Plus, it's no longer cool to go running to a teacher or parent for help after age 6 or 7. That's why it becomes important to give your child some in-the-moment strategies to cope with "groupthink," emphasizes Rich. Start by doing a postmortem: Ask her for a blow-by-blow of a painful incident, one in which your child didn't know what to do, then brainstorm ideas for when a similar situation arises in the future. "Talk about what sort of response feels comfortable to her, and ask her to come up with different ideas," says Rich. That might mean creating a distraction if that will take the focus off the person being targeted; inviting the person getting teased to play something apart from the group; or consoling the aggrieved party after the fact, and standing up to the teaser later. "

How to be a good actor

Being the Streep or the De niro of the playground means knowing which emotions to reveal and which ones are better kept under wraps, to be expressed later. It also means learning how to be less than honest at times for the sake of others' feelings. You will no doubt teach your child to say to his well-meaning great-aunt who didn't get him a Wii game, "Thank you, I can really use these thermal socks," even though the emotion he's actually feeling is complete and utter disappointment. That's called being polite. The same principle can apply when he's dealing with other kids, says Rich.

Explain why "acting" can be to his advantage. For instance, "Everybody gets teased sometimes, but if you don't let on to the bully that he's pushing your buttons, he'll stop. Instead of showing that you're upset, you roll your eyes and walk away." The important thing at this age, notes Shapiro, is to help your child discern between telling a white lie for the right reasons and the wrong ones. When your child is asked "How does my hair look?" it's hurtful to respond "Awful!" even if that's what he really thinks, explains Shapiro. He needs to recognize that a response like "Fine" or even "Good, but I really like it when you wear a ponytail" is the tactful and empathetic approach. But when you ask him "Did you finish your project?" saying yes when he didn't is the wrong kind of faking it -- you can't gild the lily to get away with something.

How to question authority

When you're at your wit's end, a child who does what you tell him to do is certainly a blessing. But a kid who questions authority -- and manages to do so respectfully and effectively -- is a kid who will do well for himself in the long run. The boy who can make a polite and compelling case for why he needs to, say, get the black high-tops everyone else has instead of the dorky white ones is more likely to get his way, and to do so without angering the holder of the purse strings in the process. This is a child who will grow up to be someone other adults respect and want to negotiate with.

When talking about things that are up for negotiation -- like whether you'll take your daughter and her seven BFFs to Burger Mania or the Pizza Palace for dinner -- use phrases like "I've got an idea…," "What if…," or "What would happen if we tried …," which encourages her to do the same. "It's all about giving kids the right language to interject their thoughts without being offensive," explains Schiller. "Some kids are too afraid to question a parent or the teacher and they never find out they've got it inside them to do that." So avoid a my-way-or-the-highway attitude whenever you can, even if you're not going to grant her request.

These are excellent tools. Watching my own children and 100's of my students, I am convinced that good social skills determine success in school and later, success in life. Chrissie

Loving our Teen

When your kids are little, parenthood is pretty much a contact sport -- a nonstop marathon of smooching and snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it's an entirely different story. Take that 13-year-old, for example. You used to put his sweet little baby toes in your mouth just to make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy man feet, but all those tender moments -- including those times he rests his chin on the top of your head, just to show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms.

We shouldn't let those cold shoulders fool us. Kids not only want us to reach out to them, but also need constant reminders that we care. What follows is a great explanation of this teen phenomenon.

"Teenagers know that they're often no fun to be around," says Dan Kindlon, PhD, a child psychology professor at Harvard University. "But they still want you to love them -- and want you to show it." Remember that hold-me-close-now-let-me-go dance your toddler did on the playground, racing away from you to swing or slide, but zooming back to the mother ship for reassurance? "It's the exact same dance," Kindlon says. "It's just that teens go away further, and stay away longer." This distancing, which is vital to becoming independent, typically starts in the tween years, when kids start to walk 20 feet ahead of you in a parking lot and race up to their room and shut the door the minute they get home.

Few teens manage this push-me/pull-you stage gracefully, and parents, especially moms, wind up feeling hurt. So we get too adamant about that goodbye kiss, setting up power struggles. Or we withdraw, rejecting kids in ways that can hurt and confuse them. Finding a middle ground gets harder and harder.

But it's important to keep in touch, and not just physically. Parents need to ask kids about their friends, listen when they wail about school, and make lasagna or shoot hoops when they're down in the dumps -- all those gestures that psychologists lump under a big umbrella called parental warmth. Without that daily shelter, teens have a much tougher time learning social skills and building self-esteem. Moms and dads also need those close moments with their teens to avoid getting overly focused on all the daily hassles and skirmishes, whether it's insisting they can't wear cutoffs to school or don't have dibs on the car radio. Following, some expert advice on smart ways to show affection to your oh-so-aloof kids. And not to worry -- before you know it, your 18-year-old will navigate his way to independence and make a beeline back to you.

Seven Steps to Staying Close

When your kid starts insisting you keep your distance -- in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or the ultra-offensive "eww, get away from me!" -- relax. You can show your teens you love them while still giving them space.

1. Let your kids go. Hard as it can be, it's important to accept the fact that once your teen starts pulling away, he's in charge, not you. He'll come back when he needs to -- and you should be there for him." To make things easier, talk to your teens about what's happening. "Tell them you understand why they need to keep their distance," says Glenn Roisman, PhD, "and that it's okay because you're entering a new phase of your relationship."

2. Respect your teen's rep. When kids are hanging with their friends, it's important they look cool. Don't mess that up with any displays of affection -- which are certain to be rebuffed-in front of your children's peers. Hugs can wait until no one else is around.

3. Start new routines. The days of tucking them into bed at night or waking them up with a kiss may be long gone, but that doesn't mean you can't find clever ways to start some new show-your-love rituals. Try blowing a bedtime kiss through their door. Or pat them on the back when you hand them lunch money in the morning. Playfully insist on a smooch every time you hand over the car keys. The point is making an affectionate gesture habit, which they'll come to rely on even if they act like they hate it.

4. Find affection alternatives. Parents, especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to their teens. Chances are you've already figured out that rumpling your daughter's hair is out of the question, so experiment. Try an occasional hip check by the kitchen sink or a back scratch while she's at the computer. Games -- whether it's touch football or flicking each other with wet dishrags -- offer parents a chance to stay physical with both boys and girls.

5. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your teen, even if it means you have to endure Jersey Shore or MTV. You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.

6. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of your overtures, but there are always unexpected times when she feels especially vulnerable -- overwhelmed by calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend. Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she'd really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.

7. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising teens being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps everything. That means rooting from the bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most nights, and really listening -- on their terms, not yours -- without judgment. chrissie

Have You Done Your Homework?

School has started. Back to schedules, activities and homework. If your child has moved on to middle school, homework assignments are more rigorous and take more time. Getting your tween acclimated and committed to the process is important. Here's a few tips from the pros to make school work at home as successful endeavor for your tween.

Barring schedule-busters like after-school activities, your child should try to do her homework at the same time every day. . In figuring out the optimal time, consider the family schedule and your child's temperament. Most kids need a chance to decompress after school, and many work more efficiently following physical activity. In fact, research shows that exercise can actually increase a child's concentration.

Once you've nailed the time, create a dedicated study space. Having a consistent spot helps kids switch into study mode. One way to provide a quiet environment is by making study time a family affair. If possible, have siblings do their work at the same time, while you sit nearby with "homework" of your own such as bill-paying, reading, catching up on e-mail, or folding laundry. If you seem engaged by whatever you're doing, your kid will likely catch the vibe. Making a rule that the TV/video games stay off until everyone in the family is finished will keep your child focused and on task. This is the rule changer. You've got to keep the televisions, cell-phones and ipods off.

Middle school kids will usually require at least some assistance. But before you decide how much help to offer, check with your child's teacher. Most prefer that kids work mainly on their own so that homework can be used as a gauge of progress. That means restraining yourself from correcting your child's spelling or figuring out the math problem for him. On the other hand, reading his work over and challenging him to find the three misspelled words you discovered is a good way to get him into the habit of checking over his stuff.

It's also never too early to teach the value of research: Demonstrate how to find answers in reference books like dictionaries, online, and in atlases. Or look for real-world solutions. The more you foster the idea of homework as a time for independent exploration, the more kids are going to enjoy learning. Enjoy learning as pro-active and critical thinking activity.

Striving to get things right is admirable, but make sure your child knows that it is impossible to be perfect. If she's driving herself crazy with self-criticism, go over each assignment and agree on how long she should spend and help her stick to that schedule. If necessary, arrange a conference with the teacher, who can explain to your child that homework is practice, not perfection.

If, despite your best efforts, your tween stubbornly refuses to do his homework, you need to get to the bottom of things. "It might seem like an attitude problem, but his reluctance may be a sign that he's having difficulty with the material," says Jed Baker, PhD, author of No More Meltdowns. Talk to his teacher about how he's doing in class; if he's struggling there too, he may need extra help in general. If he's simply homework-averse, try breaking up the assignment into smaller tasks and challenging him to get through at least one. Once he reaches his initial goal, momentum might just carry him through to the end.

Don't forget that all kids will be pleased to hear some heartfelt support for getting their work done. Your recognition of their effort -- even if it doesn't result in an "A" -- is the greatest incentive of all and a powerful way to communicate the importance of trying their best. chrissie