On The Same Page

Teenagers are brilliant. Teenagers are intuitive. Teenagers are clever. A teenager can sense weakness and shatter a parent's best intentions. A Mother and a Father with a difference of opinion are a chink in the armor of parenting. A Mother and Father in a parenting standoff are the million dollar payoff for their teen.

Co-parenting takes a plan. It takes strategy. It takes compromise. Here are several tips from one Sue Blaney to insure a united front when it comes to parenting your teenager.

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

Raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. chrissie