Fries with That??

We have been talking about motivating our teens. Encouraging our teens. Expectations for our teens. At some point teens must also make their own decisions. If we have to duct tape our mouths and handcuff ourselves to the bedpost, we must allow our children to learn by experience. It's hard. It is really hard. This does not mean, however, tools aren't available to help our teens make positive decisions. If high school is the issue at your house, maybe the following will help. If your kids are younger, start early. Educate them now about the importance of staying in school.

Sean Covey has written several excellent books for teens. One is Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, another is titledThe Six Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make. Both books are practical and easy to understand. Discussing the 6 decisions, Covey places school first on his list of important choices. If you are in high school and feeling frustrated and defeated, read on.

You are sitting in English class. Mrs. "English is Important" is rambling on and on "about the Elizabethan period and some old building called the Globe or World or something and.. geez, boys played the girls ..... this stupid play has too many thee's and thou's. Now she wants my stupid homework. Right. I had to work until 11:30 last night...made good tips...really good tips. Plus, that sweet thing at the bar gave me her cell number. ...need to call her..........ZZZZZZZZZZZZ Huh? Say what? What's iambic pentameter? I think it was a muscle car in the 60's. Haa Haa. A 0 for today? #^$*^&@ I hate this class. It's a waste of time sitting here."

I know many of you have been there. Remember, I was Mrs. "English is Important" Why should you stay in school? The money you are making now is good. It makes your car payment, pays for your cell phone and you have some left for a very satisfactory social life. If you quit school and could work more hours, you would make more money, maybe be able to move to your own place, sleep late, and best of all, school and grades would only be a bad memory.

Right. Nope. Wrong.
If you graduate from school you will have better skills, a better paying job and have a better chance of living successfully. Did you know that if you drop out of high school, statistics prove that you will have a low paying job for the rest of your life?

Here are some of Sean Covey's facts:
1. Dropouts have a harder time finding and keeping jobs. 50% of dropouts are unemployed
2. Dropouts are often labeled as people who don't complete things-and they usually don't
3. Dropouts often jump from job to job instead of steadily building a career
4. Dropouts aren't even considered for high paying jobs-even if they are qualified
5. And increasingly, here and in most countries, a high school degree is not enough

The Bureau of Labor and Statistics offers the following:
Education..........................................Weekly Salary
No H.S. Diploma....................................$409
H.S. Diploma.........................................$583
2 Year college Degree............................$699
4 Year College Degree...........................$937
Master's Degree.....................................$1129
Professional or Doctoral Degree..........$1421

Making $6.00 or $8.00 an hour may seem good now, but it won't be enough to live on for the rest of your life. If you drop out of school, you automatically limit your life choices. You limit your life experiences. You limit your life possibilities.

Covey offers a simple "Baby Step" for each of the six decisions.
The one for staying in school is http://www.6decisions.com/pdf/01_School.pdf. Look at it. Work through the lists. He begins, "if you are planning to drop out of school, repeat the following aloud, every day; "I am looking forward to low paying jobs for the rest of my life" Go on, keep saying it. "I am looking forward to low paying jobs for the rest of my life." How is that for a mantra to carry around in your head?

One other thing. Don't use the old GED as a cop out. It is not an easier way to get your diploma and you lose the socialization, the activities and the experience of high school. Take the baby step above and re-evaluate. Look ahead the next 50 years of your life, not just to the next weekend. Remember though, if school has not been working for you, you need to rethink and go in with a fresh new perspective. First, get your personal act together and then, figure out what being a team player means. Covey calls these public and private victories. Making school work, is a choice. Knock the chip off your shoulder and have a plan for success. You can do this today to insure yourself a better tomorrow.

Staying in school is a no-brainer . Use yours and graduate!!! chrissie

Why Did You Do That?

Have you ever wished you could motivate your teen by offering him a sucker? What about gold stars on a chart? This may have worked when sweet thing was younger, but as we all know, life with a teenager is much more complicated! To motivate our kids, we have to develop a better idea of exactly what motivation is and where it comes from.

Shelly Mahon-M.S. (parentingteensinfo.com) defines the word. In general, motivation is a set of reasons that affect our choice to engage and persist a given act or behavior. That means that motivation guides our decision-making. It guides both our initial decisions and the level of effort we choose to put forth once we have decided. While people usually have a general tendency to be motivated at a certain level, they also have varying levels of motivation for different kinds of activities.

She continues. Where does it come from? Sometimes motivation is rooted in basic needs. When we are hungry, we are motivated to find food; when we are cold, we seek warm clothing, shelter, or a toasty fire. Motivation can also come from specific needs. These can take the form of desired objects, hobbies, or goals. One teen's desire to have a cell phone might be the motivation to follow house rules around technology, while another teen's goal of becoming a doctor might facilitate good grades in math and science. Finally, motivation can come from less obvious reasons such as altruism, morality, or the need to prove something to oneself or someone else. One teen may volunteer at a human society because of an unselfish desire to help animals. Another teen may keep a friend’s secret in order to honor a promise not to tell anyone.

You can probably imagine several ways in which motivation comes into play throughout a teenager's day. Sometimes it is a small decision like the choice to wear a sweater on a cold day. This teen is motivated to stay warm. Other times, it is a bigger decision like choosing not to drink at a teen party. This teen may be motivated to gain the respect of parents, maintain good health, or keep an athletic scholarship. As you can see, more serious decisions are guided by more personal motivations.

As parents, we can get stuck on the question, "How do I motivate my teen to...?" The problem with this approach is that we can loose sight of the personal nature of motivation. A better approach may be "What motivates my teen to....?" This allows a parent to focus on the individual teen, paying close attention to the experiences, beliefs, and aspirations that facilitate decision-making.

Try doing a little experiment. Ask your teen about his or her day, with the goal of identifying some of the many choices made throughout the day. Then, think about what may have guided his or her decisions. Motivation is not just about what your teen did during the day, but why. If you can't figure it out, don’t be afraid to ask. Adolescents love to talk about themselves.

Gold Stars may not work anymore but positive reinforcement and genuine interest go a long way to influencing our teens choices. Coming at it from their point of view rather than ours is a good way to start. chrissie

I'm Listening

Everyone knows those intuitive people who seem to know how we are feeling. They say the right things. They make us feel better by how they react and by what their responses are. These folks don't think they have all the answers, they just know the right questions. You feel like they can be trusted and have your welfare at heart. It's easy to open up and share. Those parents trying to communicate with teenagers could take a cue from these emotional experts. Its a new year. Here are some tips to work on better relationships with our children in 2011.

Be Sensitive
These parents pick up cues from their teen and sense how the children are feeling. These parents listen and empathize. Notice that word that keeps cropping up-Listen. It's a good thing to remember.

Be Responsive
These parents respond in ways that fit their child's cues. If the teen is frightened, they comfort him. If he's intense, they calm him. If she's insecure, they reassure her. But they don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Their limits are clear and enforced.

Reciprocal
There is give-and-take in the relationship. The parent respects the child's emotions and teaches him to consider thoughtfully the emotions of others. Empathy is an important life skill for everyone. Self-centered and me centered is counter-productive to all.

Supportive and Encouraging
They understand that learning to manage one's emotions takes time and effort. They support and encourage their child as he practices self-control and common sense. Handling stress, heartaches and disappointments in a positive and constructive way is a goal for all of us.

You know the old adage, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results". If communication seems to have broken down in your home, identify what is definitely not working. Make a list and keep it handy. When an incident happens, examine the list and address a different way to handle the situation. This may seem simplistic but writing it down is a mechanical way that separates the emotions from the incident.

These simple actions enhance teen development, foster a positive sense of self-esteem, and, most important, keep you and yours talking. And that's a goal to work toward as a parent. It won't insure smooth sailing all the time, but communicating effectively makes those "teen" years a little less daunting. Chrissie

The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains

http://sic.conversationsnetwork.org/series/education.html

The Standford University Center for Social Innovation offers free podcasts in a variety of social innovation conversations. One interesting 30-minute conversation is with Nicholas Carr, author of The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains. Carr asserts that the Internet is causing distracted thinking, rather than disciplined, deep thought, a serious implication for our youngsters whose young brains are being molded by lightening speed technology. I think the same might have been said about television and the 15 minute attention span, but this time scientists are finding physiological changes in the brain at the same time as educators are struggling to incorporate irresistable technologies into the learning process. Get the scoop on the pros and cons - you can listen and still surf the net or Facebook at the same time.

Happy New Year!
Melony

Are You Glowing?

I was walking down the aisle of a local grocery store this week and had to stop dead in my tracks. I hated to stare. I tried to look the other way. It was impossible. A woman and her young teen daughter were actually glowing orange. Every part of their exposed body was the color of rawhide. It was frightening. I did a little research. I have seen a tanning bed a few times myself-hopefully not quite so dedicated as the pair in the cereal aisle. Like mother, like daughter — especially at the tanning salon, as it turns out.

Many teen girls hit the tanning salon for the first time with their moms in tow, says a new study published in the December issue of the journal Archives of Dermatology. This finding wasn't exactly surprising to lead researcher Katie Baker, a doctoral student at East Tennessee State University in Johnson City, Tenn.

"I grew up in a community where indoor tanning was prevalent, and young women who want to start tanning before they reach 16 or 17 have to rely on their mother to not only transport them, but to pay for their tanning," Baker said.

It's a small study, including just 227 girls and young women ages 18 to 30, all undergraduate students at East Tennessee State. But it does make some interesting observations. Nearly 40 percent of the women said their first experience with indoor tanning was with their mother - and those girls tended to start tanning about two years earlier than the other study participants (starting at age 14 instead of 16). Plus, these girls were almost five times as likely to be "heavy tanners" as college students. (In this study, that's defined as tanning more than 25 times a year.)

Wrinkles? Cancer? In 2009, the World Health Organization said that tanning beds and ultraviolet radiation are among the top cancer risks, as deadly as arsenic, mustard gas or cigarettes. And last year, the Food and Drug Administration considered enacting a ban on tanning beds for those under 18.

Experts caution mothers that their daughters are watching their unhealthy habits - including tanning, which increases the risk of skin cancer 75 percent when people start using tanning beds before age 30.Moms have an unbelievable influence on daughters-ideas about appearance, and beauty habits. Overtly, by telling their daughters what they think of their looks, and what they should be doing to take care of themselves, and indirectly, by having daughters that watch them like hawks. Our girls naturally adopt the routines and values that their moms display. I remember the shampoo my mother used (Prell) and the smell of Estee Lauder's Youth Dew cologne can transport me back to her dressing table.

If one of the reasons you tan with your daughter is to be together, find another activity. An exercise class, cooking, shopping, community work, scrap booking, anything is more positive. You are modeling healthy behavior and still spending time with each other. Jersey Shore's Snookie may not be concerned about her skin and health-but Mothers and daughters should be. chrissie