Hey Mom, I'm Home

My youngest came home from college this weekend. His Father offered new tires and he was heading east on I-40 before his Dad hung up the phone.

I don't care how we get a child home- bribery, extortion, promises of favorite meals and clean sheets- it's no holds barred at the Wagners. I am always singing a happy tune when I know one of my children is going to be walking through the door and back into our daily life.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't want one back here for the wrong reason-dejected, school-less or jobless and holed up in their childhood bedroom, sighing through old annuals. I am pleased and proud that they have their own homes and their own lives. As parents, that is kind of what we are aiming for isn't it? Independence. Self sufficiency. Forging their own path. Writing their own story. Growing up.

Still, when one or all is home, my house smiles and so do I. Friends coming in and out. Food disappearing. Talks on the end of my bed, up later than I ever am up when they are not here. "What is there to eat Mom?" "Dad, want me to help you with that?" Explaining Power Rangers finer nuances to his nephew. "Wag, the red one- Jason, is the coolest Power Ranger." Bantering with his brother-in-law about sports, workout programs and music choices.

Youngest went back to Norman yesterday. The house is pretty quiet today and I am always sad the morning after. It's just this part of my life. This well named "Empty Nest Syndrome." That is why it is so important to make a life outside of your children now, while they are home. Then, when they grow up and move on, your days are still full and rich and active without them. They really do leave someday and a Mother's life goes on.

Remember, keep writing your own story -as your child writes their own. chrissie

Waiting for the Mail

This is a nerve-wracking time of year for high school seniors, as they've submitted college admissions and are now just waiting to hear back. The TODAY show went behind the scenes of the college admissions process at Grinnell, a top-ranked, highly selective liberal arts college in Iowa. The interview showed what really goes on when admissions officers decide an applicants' fate?

TODAY: Has anyone's mind actually been changed in committee?

Grinnell College: Oh, I think all the time. I think part of that is a function of discovering information about a student that didn't quite come on the radar in the reader's review of the applicant.

One of the examples we saw is one kid didn't particularly interview well. How do you factor it all together in making your decision?

The important thing about how Grinnell and many other selective colleges practice admissions is we don't just look at grades or rank in class or standardized test scores. Instead we look at a wide variety of factors: the kinds of courses students take, certainly how well they do in them, how they score on standardized tests, what their teachers have to say about them, what kind of an essay they write and the perspective they bring to their writing, the activities that they are involved in, their work history. All of those factors contribute to what's known as the holistic review of a candidate. So it's not just one factor, it's a variety of factors.

One of the admissions officers wanted to see the cluster of applicants all the time. Why did she want to see it, why is it important and what is the cluster and what role does it play in the decision making process?

I would love to say that the admission process is a very straightforward process where every student is considered on her own merits, but that simply isn't true, especially in highly selective admissions.

First of all, as an applicant you're constantly being compared to every other applicant in the pool. Secondly if you're applying from a high school where there's a large number of other applicants you're going to be compared against other students applying from that high school. Now that does not mean that if there are 20 applicants that we won't admit all 20 if they're all standout, interesting students that we would love to have in class. But it does mean that we pay particular attention to whether you come from a high school that has lots of other applicants, or maybe even the state that you live in, geography could play a part in this.

What would be something to give you pause or concern in an application?

Certainly it's hard to see students who have a dip in their grades, especially later on. We're far more lenient early on in their high school career, if 9th grade is off to a rocky start, if a student is transitioning into an academic environment. We're much more prone to give that student a break in the process and discount their first year in high school.

Many of the students we see, they're taking progressively more challenging academic loads but as they take more challenging loads, as their grades start dipping, that worries us a little bit because college is a step up than high school. If they’re having a hard time taking a more difficult or more challenging curriculum and not doing as well, we wonder what the trajectory will be in college.

What are the things that win you over?

Unusual activities, students who at the tender age of 17 have already accomplished so much. I personally have seen things like running political campaigns, certainly writing novels and getting published, writing money- making computer programs, coding software -those are probably some of the more unusual things. We see lots of students who've had a significant national experience, they've been on committees, or been in programs that sent them around the country.

Beyond that, it's a couple of things. It's the adult, the high school guidance counselor or the teacher who makes particular notice of a student and gives us some context - basically in so many words says this is an unusual 17 year old, this is someone who takes more risks or has a bigger picture or has broader ambitions.

It might be in the essay itself. I think plainly the essay is one of those things that often breaks the tie on an applicant and the student who can, in their own words, paint an effective picture of themselves through demonstrating to us what matters to them, because of the topic they choose to write on and how they choose to write about it and the risks they take in setting up their subject.

Reading (applications) takes place perhaps not 24 hours a day but it takes place very early in the morning and well into late at night. So at some point there's a bit of weariness that sets in reading one good applicant after another. The student that's able to cut through that, an interesting essay, an unusual topic, someone who makes us laugh, that's someone that stands out for us.

Any words of wisdom for students applying: How personally should they take it?

I think that the right perspective on this is those letters that they receive in April are far more a reflection of the needs of the institution than they are a commentary on the student's ability to be successful in the future.

I know that this is a process that basically pumps students up to a point or near point of hysteria and I don’t think, in my heart of hearts, that's what our intent is as an institution. The selective college admissions game has put such a great premium on this idea of "you are where you get selected" that I feel it’s natural the families feel angst and students feel crushed if they're not admitted to the schools they want to be admitted to.

I will say having talked to students over the years that most of them, within their first semester or first year of college, most of them feel where they ended is a perfect fit. They didn't realize it at the time.

What I would say to the families is if you were to give it a year you'll find out that things happen for the right reason, that if you take full advantage of the institution that you end up attending, it will be a fantastic experience and it really is at that point all about you and what you are able to get out of your environment.

So while seniors are waiting to hear back, what should they be doing now?

One of the great things a student could do now is to begin thinking about the end. OK, assuming I get admitted to these schools, how am I going to make this decision and not leave it until April when they don't have a lot of time to make these decisions. And of course they're seniors and have a lot going on second semester senior year. So it would be good to elongate that and spend several months trying to figure that out. Be proactive in your choices even before you have to make them. chrissie

The Big Snow of 2011

Uncle. Uncle. Enough already. We surrender. You win Mother Nature.
Snowmageddon. Snownough. Snowtacular. Snowpocolypse. Snowbound folks have spent endless hours, having nothing else to do, coming up with catchy descriptions.

Can you ever remember so much snow? Oklahomans, fifty years from now will be boring their grandchildren with stories of this winter. " In February of two thousand and eleven, the snows were as tall as I was. It came up to the window sills, it covered our cars. The mail did not even come. The mall closed! The world stood still for days as we struggled to survive. "

Eagerly, small children will look up into the eyes of their grandparent. "Tell us again about The Big Snow."

The elderly one remembers. All activities stopped. Parents could not get to work. Schools were closed. Dancing, soccer practice, piano lessons-Canceled. We had to stay home and interact with our families. Power came and went so our Wii's and other games were not reliable. Moms pulled out board games and playing cards. We made tents out of comforters and had indoor camps out with Dad. Teens put down their IPhone and learned to make noodles or dumplings or homemade bread. They shoveled snow and helped around the house. Neighbors called and families combined meals and shared home-cooked food and time together.
We bundled up in everything warm and built snowmen and igloos in our front yards. Kids walked over for snowball fights. Afterwards, Mom had hot chocolate with marshmallows waiting at the kitchen table. The fire snapped and crackled as wet mittens and gloves dried on the hearth."

The world slowed down enough that just watching the birds on their feeder would entertain us for hours. A long abandoned Birding book was located and a log was kept of who visited in the snow. A particular favorite were Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal. He was bossy and greedy, she demure and always waiting her turn. Even the chattering mob of crows was welcomed- a certain 6 year old noted "they were hungry too. "

Certainly, the snow has been a headache. We all need to get back to our regular lives. Jobs, school, meetings and events. If merely inconvenienced, we were the lucky ones. Our homes were warm, our larders were full and our families were safe. And maybe, just maybe, when the snow melts and the temperature climbs, we will look back on this time with less frustration and more fondness. For a time, the world slowed down and we just got to "be". Be with our families, with our friends and listen to that still quiet voice, within ourselves. chrissie

Tiger Moms

Have you heard about Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? It short, it attempts to explain why Asian children seem to succeed academically. Maybe all the methods are not something to be emulated. Chua defines “Chinese mother” as: driven, snobbish and hellbent on raising certifiably Grade A children. Ms. Chua contrasts these attitudes with “Western” ones that can be found in Disney movies, where a mere romp in the ocean can be construed as a happy ending.

"That’s just Disney’s way of appealing to all the people who never win any prizes," she says.

Ms. Chua was not about to raise prizeless slackers. She wanted prodigies, even if it meant nonstop, punishing labor. So "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" chronicles its author's constant demanding, wheedling, scolding and screaming. It describes seemingly endless piano and violin sessions that Ms. Chua supervised. (Her own schedule of teaching at Yale, traveling, writing and dealing with her students goes mostly unmentioned -and would require her to put in a 50-hour workday.) And it enforces a single guiding principle that is more reasonable than all the yelling suggests: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it.”

I can't agree completely with her parenting style- but she does make some good points. As test scores continue to to plummet, American students are falling far behind other countries and our drop-out rate is rising every year, she may make a point or two.

Consider these valid and reasonable guidelines from her:

• Parents can never take the easy way out. Raising competent and successful children requires unselfish time, effort and energy from parents.
• Have confidence in your beliefs and values, and be intentional in how you apply them in your parenting.
• Hold your kids accountable.
• Believe they can achieve excellence; by maintaining high expectations you help your child learn to do his best.
• Achieving mastery over any skill requires practice. Parents should expect kids to practice their developing skills regularly, and require that they do so.

The attention this book has received has been very interesting to watch, and it seems to have struck a nerve in America. Her list of “not-allowed” activities include such American staples as sleep overs, play dates, and being in a school play, and many Americans find it a bit extreme that she expected her kids to always win the tournament and never get a grade less than an A. My feeling is whether you agree with her approach or not, it benefits us all to talk about parenting styles, and it makes us examine our own with fresh eyes. It is helpful to hear from people who think differently than we do. In fact, we can learn the most from the people who are least like us. They may shake us up a bit, and in doing so we may learn something new we can try. At a minimum, this lively national discussion asks you to consider your parenting style and challenge your beliefs a bit, which is a healthy thing to do from time to time.

Grab the book and see what you think. It is something to do while the snow melts!! chrissie