Last week we looked at how to make the transition when our teenage children leave home and go to college. Allowing a neutral time before making big changes was a helpful tip. Adapting to our new independent lifestyle takes some time.
This week, let's look at how to help our teens gain their independence: Each child who goes away to college experiences their own transition differently, and most experience rather dramatic ups and downs. The best way to support our teens is to facilitate the transition into a new life, and helping them be independent.
Dr Michael Jellineck is a Boston area adolescent psychiatrist who notes that teens and their parents manage their feelings very differently. On some level, this change may feel like a loss to both you and your teen. Jellineck says teenagers tend to express a sense of bravado to cover up for feelings of loss, while parents tend to hold on as long as possible. This tells us how easy it can be to misinterpret what your teenager is saying… she may be more tender than she is demonstrating. What’s important to remember is regardless of how much you want to be needed, your most helpful actions should be toward boosting her/his capabilities and confidence.
How you do this will vary with each child. This generation of college students has been accused of being too connected to their parents at home, often calling on their cell phones in-between each class. One needs to ask the question: When is your teen too connected? I can think of one young woman who was terribly homesick when she first went away to school. She needed her parents’ regular support and connection; to have deprived her of that would have been cruel. But other teens may remain tightly connected out of fear, or laziness, or not knowing how to integrate in at school. In these cases you may want to gently coach your college student to call home less, not more. It’s important for their focus to be on their college connections and experiences. And even if this feels unsatisfying to you it’s more important to focus on what is best for them. Remember….independence is the goal. How to lead them toward independence while still reassuring and supporting their new adventure?
Send your love: Preparing a care package can be a satisfying way to expend your energy. Whether it’s home baked goods, a special funny photo album of the precious pet he left behind, a poem from each family member, or a bulletin board with some family photos, send along something special from home. Even the most confident sounding student wants to know he is missed and needs the soft reminders from home. And expending your energy in this way can help you feel better.
Prepare for the “Dump Call”: For most of us, there comes a time when you receive a phone call from an upset and unhappy college kid. There is drama and tears and frankly, it is torture for a distant parent. Your teen tells you she hates school, she hates her roommate, she misses home and everything is going badly. But here’s the thing to remember: in many cases, after your college student has dumped her load of misery on you, she’ll get a good night sleep and the next day yawns bright and full of possibility. She’ll make a new friend, get invited to a party, get busy with schoolwork and completely forget that she left you in a pile of worry and misery.
So parents, be prepared for this. The best advice for the “dump call” is to expect it, recognize it when it comes, and retain some detachment. You will need that perspective to be able to determine your best response. You will have to remain objective to judge how real and serious the problems are, or if this is a passing situation. Some situations will be helped by your intervention, but in most cases your strategy should be around coaching your college student to discover her own best answers.
This is a tender time for you as your family-left-at-home reorganizes and adjusts to this big change. Your dinner table conversation may feel a little flat as you feel the ache in your heart missing your eldest. Take a deep breath and center yourself. You have entered a new phase of your family’s life, and you’ll all figure it out. And all is as it is supposed to be.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Neutral Zone
Is your teen going off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? Frankly many parents struggle a bit. Empty Nests take some getting used to. I was practically running after the car.
Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are. Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about our teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.
Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.
William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.
Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.
The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even, place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.
A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards. You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.
Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge. There is a whole life on the other side of children leaving home. chrissie
Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are. Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about our teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.
Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.
William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.
Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.
The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even, place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.
A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards. You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.
Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge. There is a whole life on the other side of children leaving home. chrissie
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
See You on the Flip-Side
The average American is expected to live to 78. So says AARP. I think all of us would rather have quality versus quantity, no matter how long we live. We need to be taking the steps today to have a healthier and happier tomorrow. All this work raising out kids merits sticking around to see the productive and contributing adults they become.
On "The Early Show", Men's Health magazine Joel Weber showed us just how we can add years to our lives.
He shares we're succeeding at living longer, stronger and happier lives: Centenarians are one of the most rapidly growing segments of the U.S. population, according to the National Institute on Aging. The number of centenarians is growing at a rate of 4.1 percent per year; the numbers increased 51 percent between 1990 and 2000. This is no surprise. 100 year -olds are forming a line to be recognized by Willard Scott on national TV.
Here are his five tips to live longer and to live better.
Eat Your Vegetables - Raw
Italian researchers have found that eating as little as one cup of raw vegetables daily can add two years to your life. Why raw? Cooking can deplete up to 30 percent of the antioxidants in vegetables. That said, sauteing, steaming, or blanching them is far better than not eating them at all. If you consume more than five servings of fruits and vegetables per day, you have a 26 percent lower risk of stroke than people who eat fewer than three servings, according to one British study. Try to eat as many different colors of vegetables as you can, and keep in mind that darker greens tend to contain the most vitamins and nutrients. Spinach, Swiss chard, kale, and collard greens are all excellent choices. When making salads, experiment with flavorful greens that you're not too familiar with. Just go easy on the salad dressings, which tend to be high in calories and sodium. For a healthy, easy-to-make dressing, mix two parts extra-virgin olive oil with one part balsamic vinegar, and then add salt and pepper to taste. (I would throw in a couple of cloves of crushed garlic, a tablespoon of dijon mustard and a little lemon juice).
Crack Some Shells
When Loma Linda University researchers tracked the lifestyle habits of 34,000 Seventh-Day Adventists -a population famous for its longevity- they discovered that those who munched nuts five days a week earned an extra 2.9 years on the planet. Not surprisingly, nuts are one of the healthiest snacks you can have. High in monounsaturated fats and protein, they help keep your arteries clean and your stomach feeling full. Eat two handfuls a day as snacks between meals. Almonds are especially good for their high doses of vitamin E and magnesium, but walnuts are a good alternative because they contain more heart-healthy omega-3s and pack half as much protein as chicken. He also suggests Planters Heart Healthy Mix, which contains six key nuts, including almonds and walnuts. Just remember to always opt for raw, unsalted nuts. Smoking and salting increases the sodium content, which can have a negative impact on your blood pressure. Remember, my house had the quadruple by-pass this spring.
Check Your Belly
The fat you carry today could kill you tomorrow. University of Alabama researchers discovered that maintaining a body-mass index of 25 to 35 can shorten your life by up to three years. BMI is a simple calculation of a person's weight-to-height ratio that doctors often use to determine a person's health risk. According to the National Institute of Health, a BMI of 19-24.9 is normal, 25-29.9 is overweight, and 30 or greater is obese. Excess body fat raises your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and colon cancer. Calculate your BMI using an online calculator. To improve your score, try circuit training-a conditioning technique that combines the best aspects of strength training and cardio into a single activity by having you move from one weightlifting station to the next without rest. Then persuade your significant other to join. A Duke University study showed that sedentary people are 50 percent more likely to work out three times a week if their partners participate.
Invite Your Friends Over
Chronic stress weakens the immune system and ages cells more quickly -ultimately shortening life-spans - but friendships can act as a buffer against stresses of everyday life. When Australian researchers looked at seventy-somethings, for instance, they found that those with the largest network of friends had the longest lease on life. For the average person, this could add up to seven additional years. But acquaintances aren't friends; You need people you can openly confide in. In a survey conducted jointly by Duke University and the University of Arizona, however, sociologists learned that women today report having an average of only two close confidants, down from three in 1985; nearly a quarter of the women surveyed reported having no one at all in whom they could confide. So say "hello" to the neighbors, invite your closest friends over for game night, and then maintain rituals, whether it's as simple as a weekly Sunday night phone call or a yearly stay in a beach house with people you love.
Find a Happy Place
In a Yale University study of older adults, people with a positive outlook on the aging process lived more than seven years longer than those who felt doomed to deteriorating mental and physical health. If you're outlook has some room for improvement, give back to your community by volunteering or mentoring-selfless actions that distract from unhealthy obsessing. In addition to helping others, don't forget to care for yourself. Make yourself happy by doing the activities you enjoy most-whether it's going to the spa for a facial, quality time with family, or hitting the links. Maybe it's baking bread, joining a book club or climbing Mt. Everest. It's all up to each of us. Attitude goes a long way to keeping us healthy and happy. It's a choice. The key is finding what makes each of us content.
So, veggies, nuts, exercise, friends and positive outlooks. It's easy! See you on the Today show in 20-. chrissie
On "The Early Show", Men's Health magazine Joel Weber showed us just how we can add years to our lives.
He shares we're succeeding at living longer, stronger and happier lives: Centenarians are one of the most rapidly growing segments of the U.S. population, according to the National Institute on Aging. The number of centenarians is growing at a rate of 4.1 percent per year; the numbers increased 51 percent between 1990 and 2000. This is no surprise. 100 year -olds are forming a line to be recognized by Willard Scott on national TV.
Here are his five tips to live longer and to live better.
Eat Your Vegetables - Raw
Italian researchers have found that eating as little as one cup of raw vegetables daily can add two years to your life. Why raw? Cooking can deplete up to 30 percent of the antioxidants in vegetables. That said, sauteing, steaming, or blanching them is far better than not eating them at all. If you consume more than five servings of fruits and vegetables per day, you have a 26 percent lower risk of stroke than people who eat fewer than three servings, according to one British study. Try to eat as many different colors of vegetables as you can, and keep in mind that darker greens tend to contain the most vitamins and nutrients. Spinach, Swiss chard, kale, and collard greens are all excellent choices. When making salads, experiment with flavorful greens that you're not too familiar with. Just go easy on the salad dressings, which tend to be high in calories and sodium. For a healthy, easy-to-make dressing, mix two parts extra-virgin olive oil with one part balsamic vinegar, and then add salt and pepper to taste. (I would throw in a couple of cloves of crushed garlic, a tablespoon of dijon mustard and a little lemon juice).
Crack Some Shells
When Loma Linda University researchers tracked the lifestyle habits of 34,000 Seventh-Day Adventists -a population famous for its longevity- they discovered that those who munched nuts five days a week earned an extra 2.9 years on the planet. Not surprisingly, nuts are one of the healthiest snacks you can have. High in monounsaturated fats and protein, they help keep your arteries clean and your stomach feeling full. Eat two handfuls a day as snacks between meals. Almonds are especially good for their high doses of vitamin E and magnesium, but walnuts are a good alternative because they contain more heart-healthy omega-3s and pack half as much protein as chicken. He also suggests Planters Heart Healthy Mix, which contains six key nuts, including almonds and walnuts. Just remember to always opt for raw, unsalted nuts. Smoking and salting increases the sodium content, which can have a negative impact on your blood pressure. Remember, my house had the quadruple by-pass this spring.
Check Your Belly
The fat you carry today could kill you tomorrow. University of Alabama researchers discovered that maintaining a body-mass index of 25 to 35 can shorten your life by up to three years. BMI is a simple calculation of a person's weight-to-height ratio that doctors often use to determine a person's health risk. According to the National Institute of Health, a BMI of 19-24.9 is normal, 25-29.9 is overweight, and 30 or greater is obese. Excess body fat raises your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and colon cancer. Calculate your BMI using an online calculator. To improve your score, try circuit training-a conditioning technique that combines the best aspects of strength training and cardio into a single activity by having you move from one weightlifting station to the next without rest. Then persuade your significant other to join. A Duke University study showed that sedentary people are 50 percent more likely to work out three times a week if their partners participate.
Invite Your Friends Over
Chronic stress weakens the immune system and ages cells more quickly -ultimately shortening life-spans - but friendships can act as a buffer against stresses of everyday life. When Australian researchers looked at seventy-somethings, for instance, they found that those with the largest network of friends had the longest lease on life. For the average person, this could add up to seven additional years. But acquaintances aren't friends; You need people you can openly confide in. In a survey conducted jointly by Duke University and the University of Arizona, however, sociologists learned that women today report having an average of only two close confidants, down from three in 1985; nearly a quarter of the women surveyed reported having no one at all in whom they could confide. So say "hello" to the neighbors, invite your closest friends over for game night, and then maintain rituals, whether it's as simple as a weekly Sunday night phone call or a yearly stay in a beach house with people you love.
Find a Happy Place
In a Yale University study of older adults, people with a positive outlook on the aging process lived more than seven years longer than those who felt doomed to deteriorating mental and physical health. If you're outlook has some room for improvement, give back to your community by volunteering or mentoring-selfless actions that distract from unhealthy obsessing. In addition to helping others, don't forget to care for yourself. Make yourself happy by doing the activities you enjoy most-whether it's going to the spa for a facial, quality time with family, or hitting the links. Maybe it's baking bread, joining a book club or climbing Mt. Everest. It's all up to each of us. Attitude goes a long way to keeping us healthy and happy. It's a choice. The key is finding what makes each of us content.
So, veggies, nuts, exercise, friends and positive outlooks. It's easy! See you on the Today show in 20-. chrissie
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Make It a Vanderbilt Summer
Summer is a time to head out with the kids for a fun family vacation, whether a long road trip or just close to home. On a recent visit to Nashville, I toured the Parthenon replica in Centennial Park, just across the street a ways from Vanderbilt University. A wave of nostalgia came over me for younger days when my kids were still impressionable and we took road trips around the country. I could imagine their awe at visiting a lifesized to-scale model of the Parthenon, complete with Phidias's four story tall statue of Athena. And one thing I know for sure is that we would not have left without visiting the campus of Vanderbilt University.
Touring college campuses with your children, no matter what their age, is important for many reasons. First, it lets children know that college is an expectation and familiarizes them with the rhythms of campus life from the football games to the dorms to the library and the Student Union. On a more subconscious level, our universities are the respected repositories of our accumulated 
knowledge, and their buildings embody that understanding. They represent possibilities for the future of our children, for societal advancements in health, technology, economics, and humanities, and for our country. If all else fails, taking children to your Alma Mater ingrains family traditions and legends of where and how Mom and Dad met and what they dreamed of being once upon a time.
knowledge, and their buildings embody that understanding. They represent possibilities for the future of our children, for societal advancements in health, technology, economics, and humanities, and for our country. If all else fails, taking children to your Alma Mater ingrains family traditions and legends of where and how Mom and Dad met and what they dreamed of being once upon a time.You don't have to wait until your child is in high school to take that proverbial college road trip. The very least it could do is give your child a deeper experience while watching College Game Day and OU or Vanderbilt or Ole Miss or Texas comes on and he/she thinks, "Hey, I've been there. I know where that is."
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