The Neutral Zone

Is your teen going off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? Frankly many parents struggle a bit. Empty Nests take some getting used to. I was practically running after the car.

Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are. Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about our teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.

Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.

William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.

Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.

The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even, place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.

A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards. You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.

Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge. There is a whole life on the other side of children leaving home. chrissie