Traditions

It's almost Easter.  When my children were small, it was a time for dyeing eggs, chocolate bunnies and a feast that always included cheese grits and a coconut lamb cake.  We gathered to celebrate our faith and our family.  We still do.  Some of the people we loved most of all are no longer at the table, but their great grandchildren enjoy the same traditions and rituals that are important to our family. The place-card vases above were my Mother's.  Her great-granddaughter and namesake, Annebelle, decorated the Easter table last year with flowers from my garden and chose where we would all sit for Easter lunch.

Family traditions are things that families do together on a regular basis. These things can be patterns of behavior, enjoyable activities or a certain food that a family likes. They can be repeated daily, weekly, monthly or once a year. It is important for families to observe their traditions even as their children get older, here are five reasons why:
 
Family traditions create good feelings and special moments to remember. They are fun things to do. Enjoying this time together as a family will create positive emotions in each member. These are the memories that will last a lifetime.
Family traditions give every member of the family a stronger sense of belonging. Being a part of a family is more than living in the same home or having the same last name. It is about relationships and family bonds. Since family traditions are something you do together, they strengthen the bonds you have between each other creating a stronger sense of belonging to the family.
Family traditions help your teen with his/her identity. It helps to know that you ‘belong’ when you are trying to figure out who you are, which is a main job of the adolescent. A family that encourages a teen to be a part of it and its traditions provides a strong foundation for teens to stand on when they’re searching and defining their sense of self.
Family traditions help parents impart the family’s values to their children. To start, you get more time to model your family values to your teen. Showing your teen what having the ability to love is all about happens naturally when you spend quality time together – like during a traditional family activity. You will also find more opportunities to talk to your teen about serious issues and keep the conversations light when you observe a family traditions.
Family traditions offer your teen a sense a security. Everyday your teen faces some very difficult issues. Knowing that he/she is secure and has a family to turn to is a powerful tool to use against negative peer pressure, drug use influences, etc.
There are more reasons for families to observe their traditions, but the five above are the most important for parents of teenagers to remember. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because your child is older now you should no longer adhere to the rituals that help define your family. You still need them – and so does your teen.  So get out the Easter baskets and start filling Easter Eggs.  It's important.  chrissie

The Terrible Tweens

  As a parent of an almost "tween", you've heard the chatter. "It's a whole new world, much worse than the terrible twos." "You won't believe the change in your kid -- like night and day." "Just wait until they hit middle school; brace yourself." Looking back on the 10-13 years, I have to say, it was different, but not so bad. Here are six great things about the tween years.

The Good News: You Have a New Buddy
Yes, I know, your job description doesn't read: "My Kid's Best Friend." And, no, you're not equals. But the tween years provide endless opportunities to bond on a deeper level than you did when your child was little. You can take your tween. out to lunch and have a completely different experience from a few years ago. Remember when a trip to a restaurant meant watching them color the kids' menu and knock over their milk? Now you can discuss everything from their friendships to current movies to politics. (And if they have to go to the bathroom, they find it on their own.)  You need to shift gears and expect new behaviors. New.  Not bad.

The Good News: You're Past the Do-Everything Stage
 When the tween years come around, it's exhilarating to be free of the drudgery that comes with parenting small children: wiping bottoms, pouring juice, tying shoes. Not only that, but tweens can actually help around the house in meaningful ways, like emptying the dishwasher and taking out garbage. "It's simply less physically exhausting to be the parent of a tween.  Kids make their own lunches and their own beds. They're self-cleaning. The day-to-day stuff is much easier.


Make It Even Better: Celebrate each new task your kids can do, and get over any guilt you have that you're slacking off by letting them take on more, says educator Annie Fox, author of the Middle School Confidential series. "Some parents mistakenly equate dependence with love," she says. "They feel that 'if he doesn't need me, he doesn't love me.' But do you really want to be cutting your kid's sandwiches when he's thirty?" Encourage independence by giving tweens more complex home projects once in a while.

The Good News: He Gets the Jokes
Your tween will love sharing a whole new level of wit -- puns, wordplay, sarcasm.  This is a good time to expose kids to more grown-up movies and books, both current and classic. Of course, how far you want to go is a personal decision

The Good News: She's Interesting
Tweens develop passions and hobbies, whether it's basketball, Wii games, or musical theater. . And taking an active interest in your child's sport or hobby is good for her. She gets to be the teacher, which is a major confidence booster.
Make it Even Better: Find a hobby you can pursue together. Shared time on a hobby is not only fun, it is a time to talk and get closer to your tween.  It is critical at this time in your child's life to keep communication open- much easier to do in a casual and fun setting.

The Good News: His Friends are Hysterical
Sure, a group of tweens can get loud and squirrelly, but you're privy to some of the most off-the-wall conversations ever. Carpooling with tweens is a world unto itself:   Make It Even Better: "Offer your house as a gathering spot for your tween and his friends, or be the mom who drives everyone to the mall. Taking advantage of their need for a ride is the best way to get to know their friends.

The Good News: She Wants to Help
When tweens take on a project­ -- whether it's cleaning up a local park or volunteering at a food bank -- it's all or nothing.  Let Them know how proud you are of their kindness and generosity, and do everything in your power to help them act on it. I
Don't forget the power of your example. If your objective is to raise a good citizen, you have to show what that means. Make it your business to be involved, and your tween will get involved  Look for family opportunities for volunteerism; the more time you spend with your tween, the happier everyone will be. And that's not terrible at all. chrissie

What's your Mission?

What are the values that your family holds? Taking time to think and talk about them is a way for parents to convey them to their children. This communication also engenders a sense of belonging to the group, as all the members work toward the same goals. Every good organization has a mission statement.  Who they are.  What they stand for. 
An effective way to work on this would be the following process:

• The parents talk between themselves about what is important to them.
• The parents tell their children about these values.
• The entire family discusses the values so that everyone understands them.
• The parents guide all family members to make sure that actions match the stated values.

Parenting Today offers a step by step blueprint for developing a mission within a family. Once the parents have decided that this is an approach they want to take, they tell their children and have a family discussion about it, possibly at the dinner table. They help the children to understand what the benefits are when all members of the family do this.
To enforce the importance of this statement, they could: have a set dinner time, ask for children’s suggestions in planning the meal, find ways for children to help with meal preparation, and be sure to include all family members in table discussions.
If they put their efforts toward making this an enjoyable time for family members to share each other’s company and gather family solidarity from it, then the children will continue to value the time together.
The family mission statement can cover a wide diversity of values to be decided, first by the parents and then by all members. Consider any of these topics for inclusion in yours:

• the way money will be saved and spent
• the importance of education
• the amount of family time you will spend together
• the importance of activities outside the home and school
• the responsibilities each member of the family will have toward maintaining the household

Following are some guiding points that may help you toward creating your family’s mission statement:

• Both parents need to agree before bringing the points to the children.
• It is critical that the children see both parents present a united perspective. Children will recognize when there is weakness coming from one of the parents or discord between them.
• The family is not a democracy.
• Parents have the power, the experience, and the wisdom. The family is not a structure of one person/one vote. Your children are not consultants; they do not have the ability to see the big picture.
• Express your statements by saying what you want — not what you don’t want.
  Make your statements in positive terms. Instead of saying, “We don’t call each other names,” say, “We call people by their given names.” Instead of saying, “We don’t hit or kick each other,” say, “We keep our hands, feet, and objects to ourselves.”
• Explain your values by giving lots of examples to support each statement.

The more examples you can give to support your statements, the easier it will be for the children — especially the younger ones — to understand what you are talking about. If part of your mission statement is, “Education is important in our family,” your examples might include these supporting statements:

• We cooperate with the teachers at school.
• We do all our homework.
• We ask for help when we need it.
• We attend school events such as the science fair, book fair, and the school play.
• Parents attend at least two PTA meetings a year.
• We do homework before we play.
• We limit television and video watching to weekends, with a maximum of two hours every weekend.
• We go to the library every week to check out books.
• We save 20% of all money gifts for college

Keep in mind that the earlier these values are discussed and established within the family, the easier they will be able to follow as children grow into their teenage years.

But She was so Sweet

Are you almost there?   The teen years?  Are you seeing glimmers of the child you know, becoming the child you don't?  Should a parent expect to see the temperament recognized in their younger child, displayed in their future teen?  Will a head-strong and willful child be a head-strong and willful teenager?  Is it likely a courteous and careful ten year old will look both ways at sixteen? And when you get there, what happens next?

Barbara R. Greenberg, Ph.D., professional consultant on teen issues & contributing expert psychologist for Mode Lifestyle, answers some related questions. 


Do you feel that we have somewhat of an understanding of who our children will become as teens, when they are young?

I believe that we start understanding our children's temperamental style when they're young. This does not mean that behavior, attitudes, and reactions cannot change. It simply means that you begin to know what your child's unique style is from an early age. During the teens our children face an entirely new set of challenges, pressures, and an onslaught of hormonal changes. These factors impact them greatly. Often parents ask me what happened to their child and who is this stranger disguised as a teen. I reassure them by telling them that it is the same person simply "wearing a new set of clothes."

How does a parent balance the communication vs space issue with their teen?
Teens need both space to decompress and to sort out their own feelings and time to talk to their parents. The answer's complicated. Here are some ideas:
1. Be mindful of timing. If your child looks preoccupied or a bit distressed then pay attention to these non-verbals & let your teen know that you are available to talk when s/he is ready. You want to respectful of your teen. This goes a long way.
2. When your teens arrives home don't crowd them with an endless list of questions. Be gentle. Make casual & relaxed conversations. A statement like "Come sit with me" is more likely to get teens to talk than "How was the test?" followed by "How much homework do you have?" & "when are you going to clean your room?"
3. Teens prefer indirect requests for information rather than direct requests. This gives them a feeling of having some control over the rate at which they disclose information. Try "Did you recommend the movie?' rather than "did your date drive carefully?' Teens will answer the indirect questions and then start to spill and tell you about the information that you really want to know.
4. Listen & stay calm when they are talking to you. There's not a single teen who will continue a conversation with a parent who interrupts & loses emotional control.
5. As long as you feel connected to them give them the space that they seem to need. If, on the other hand, you feel that they have begun to isolate completely from friends and family then you may want to talk to them to see if they are facing any major stressors. Again, try to do this calmly and non-judgmentally. This is not easy but it is necessary.

How should a parent best handle the situation when their teen is becoming involved with a clearly "troubled" teen?
The first thing to do is to find out what your teen likes and values about the "troubled teen." Even troubled teens have redeeming qualities. Remember you don't want to criticize friends too harshly because teens take this very personally. Ask your teen what s/he gets out of the relationship.
Your teen may secretly want help getting out of the relationship. If you are concerned that the "troubled teen" is negatively influencing your teen then you must monitor the friendship & help your child phase it out. This won't be easy and Yes your teen may get angry. Keep in mind that you must be able to tolerate your teen's anger. Your main concern is their safety.

Say this three times:

Remember, I am their parent -NOT their friend.  chrissie

 cross posted from http://angelasclues.com/teens-pt1/