The thought of parenting a teenager today is enough to make some people think that maybe they don't want children at all. Parenting teens is definitely a roller coaster ride. While very few parents will truthfully say that there was no strife while raising their teenager there are 'tricks' to making this time of life a wonderful adventure.
The first thing a parent needs to recognize is that the focus for teen parenting is different than raising a younger child. The child needs to learn the basics, so to speak, the 'how to' of life: reading, social skills and such. They need to learn how to become independent while conforming to a group. Teens are learning their values in life, who they want to be as a person. The only way for them to do this is to question what they know and compare it to all they see and hear in school and the community as they venture out more and more on their own.
Parenting, then, becomes a fine line to walk between letting the teen make decisions that can affect the rest of his life and establishing and maintaining guidelines as they make those choices. This is no easy feat. The parents need to evaluate the guidelines to determine whether they are in place for the teen's sake or for their own needs. Parenting the child means having total control over all of the child's aspects of life. Parenting the teenager means letting go of that control. This in itself is terrifying for many parents.
The key to parenting the teenager is recognizing that while there will be conflict; it does not have to be destructive. There are many things the parent can do that will allow the teen the freedom she needs while still preserving the boundaries and values that will keep her protected.
First and foremost is a combination of unconditional love and communication.This unconditional love tool is often repeated in my blog. The teen needs to always know without question that he can come to you no matter what. This only comes by the constant reinforcement that the parents provide as they deal with situations that arise during the pre-teen years. If the teen knows that while there will be consequences for his choices he will not have to worry about so disappointing his parents that he will lose their love or respect.
The parents of teens need also remember that despite what their teen may say, they are one of the greatest influences in their teens life. It is therefore absolutely necessary that the parents spend as much time as possible with their teen. It is easy today, with so many parents and teens' schedules being filled with jobs and social activities for families to spend little time together. So many teens today have their licenses that the time spent together driving to and from these activities is lost. So be certain to spend quality time with the teenager listening to what she has to say. Don't react with shock or disapproval at the things they say. Instead ask them how they feel and why. Parents need to help the teenager evaluate what the consequences in the future might be from the choices they make. Parents also need to share their own values and why they feel the way they do during these conversations.
So parent of a teenager do not despair. Rather that dreading this time in your child's life, remember that your job as her parent is to prepare her for life on her own. The time will come when you can step back and admire your handiwork. There is no greater reward than that. chrissie
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Get out of Bed!!
Tweens are always on the go in the fast paced setting of the school year. Taking a break over the summer to many tweens means slacking off and sleeping in. When they go from this go, go, go pace to nothing, it's okay for a day or two, but then they get bored and parents pay the consequences. A bored tween is an annoying teen or worse, one who finds trouble. The easiest way to stop your child from getting bored is to schedule out her summer days so that she knows what is going to happen and can pick and choose what she wants to do by learning to make choices.There is nothing worse than a surfacing twelve year old at 1:00 in the afternoon, hungry and dishelved, upsetting daily routines and putting their parent's teeth on edge.
To start, schedule your entire summer out monthly. Put in your family summer vacation, your tween's camp times, volunteer activities and any day trips that have already been set. If you find that there are big gaps of free weeks, help your tween find things to fill them up. Look for a babysitting opportunity, summer employment, volunteer in your community or look for a week long camp for your tween to attend. Breaking up large blocks of time will help your son or daughter not settle into the routine of sleeping in late everyday, getting up and doing nothing special.
Create a weekly schedule. With your tween, write this one out in pencil as it is the schedule that will change the most. Write in opportunities to do things as well as things that are planned. If your tween finds they have the time to do the extras, they will know when these things are happening. Summer concerts, weekend opportunities, athletic events...........
Make a daily routine with your teen. Plan things that need to be done like hygiene and health, making her bed and any chores or responsibilities. While these things may seem simple for your teen to remember, having things written down helps keep stress levels low. Be sure to leave some free time, but have a list of suggested activities in case your teen isn't looking for downtime. For instance: suumer reading lists, listening to music, certification in a hobby or sport, biking, etc. Schedule in television and video game times so that these activities do not take up your tween's free time or encompass her whole day. Create alternate daily routines for camp days, vacation and other special times.
This creative scheduling and time organization will keep your tween from getting bored and give her plenty of free time with some practice at making choices. It will also help her get their responsibilities completed with very little if any stress which is a positive for the whole family.
To start, schedule your entire summer out monthly. Put in your family summer vacation, your tween's camp times, volunteer activities and any day trips that have already been set. If you find that there are big gaps of free weeks, help your tween find things to fill them up. Look for a babysitting opportunity, summer employment, volunteer in your community or look for a week long camp for your tween to attend. Breaking up large blocks of time will help your son or daughter not settle into the routine of sleeping in late everyday, getting up and doing nothing special.
Create a weekly schedule. With your tween, write this one out in pencil as it is the schedule that will change the most. Write in opportunities to do things as well as things that are planned. If your tween finds they have the time to do the extras, they will know when these things are happening. Summer concerts, weekend opportunities, athletic events...........
Make a daily routine with your teen. Plan things that need to be done like hygiene and health, making her bed and any chores or responsibilities. While these things may seem simple for your teen to remember, having things written down helps keep stress levels low. Be sure to leave some free time, but have a list of suggested activities in case your teen isn't looking for downtime. For instance: suumer reading lists, listening to music, certification in a hobby or sport, biking, etc. Schedule in television and video game times so that these activities do not take up your tween's free time or encompass her whole day. Create alternate daily routines for camp days, vacation and other special times.
This creative scheduling and time organization will keep your tween from getting bored and give her plenty of free time with some practice at making choices. It will also help her get their responsibilities completed with very little if any stress which is a positive for the whole family.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I'm Back
Last week was the simplified version of Boomerang families What follows is an article from Psychology Today magazine. The author, Dr.Carl Pickhardt offers a more detailed discussion, "when Junior comes home."
Yogi Berra had it right, not just about the game of baseball but about the game of parenting as well. "It ain't over 'til it's over," he observed. And so for many parents, just when they think the nest is finally empty and their son or daughter has been successfully launched, that old bedroom is re-occupied by a returning older adolescent come home not just to visit, but to stay.
It's very common during the fourth and final stage of adolescence, what I call "trial independence" (ages 18 - 23), for a young person who has been living apart from family to return home to take up residence again. Precise estimates are hard to come by, but the New York Times (August 18, 2010) cited that 40% of young people in their 20's move back in with parents at least once. ("What is the matter with 20-somethings?")
It may be they need a place to carry them over a break in their work or educational lives. It may be that they have lost their independent footing, encountered some life crisis, and need a safe place to recover before stepping out on their own again. In either case, this return can create an awkward home coming.
Having become accustomed to living separately (without exposure to each other's daily presence and influence), moving back together is an adjustment because both parent and adolescent must give up some freedom in the process. The parent has to give up freedom from ignorance about the young person's conduct, and the adolescent has to give up freedom from parental scrutiny. While the parent struggles with how much parenting responsibility to reassert, the adolescent struggles with how much autonomy to surrender.
Both usually agree that since the young person has been functioning independently and is older, their relationship should now be more grown up. But here is where the return home can start to get abrasive.
Thinks the adolescent, for example: "I am now too grown up to report my comings and goings to my parents." However, parents want to know how late he or she will be home at night so they don't have to worry.
Think the parents, for example: "Our adolescent is now sufficiently grown up to live in the neat and orderly way we like." However, the adolescent wants home to be relaxed enough not to have to worry about picking up and putting back after himself all the time.
What's going on? Usually, the answer is regression. The frame of reference that each imposes on the return relationship tends to resemble the one that described how it was when they last lived together. So they each revert to that. Parents remember insisting that the adolescent adequately inform them when going out at night. The adolescent remembers ignoring, or at least delaying, compliance with housekeeping needs of parents. The return home typically revives old habits of behaviors in them all.
So what needs to happen? Clarification of CONDITIONS and committing to MUTUALITY are the answers. For adequate clarification, the basic terms of return must be specified and agreed upon. For adequate cooperation, efforts must be made by both sides to help make the relationship work.
From what I have seen of these boomerang situations, the return home goes best when parents are proactive and specific about declaring what they need in the relationship. Play "wait and see how it's going to be" to have the young person back home, and parents risk living on returnee terms they don't like.
They need to come up with a set of conditions that will minimally structure the young person's stay so that the hosting works well for them, and thus for her. Because the young person needs welcoming parents, not complaining ones, he or she needs to know the basics of what they need. The three kinds of conditions are: purpose, limits, and demands of the stay.
Start with PURPOSE. What is the objective of coming home? If the young person says, "to take a break, hang out here for a while, and forget my troubles," this answer is insufficient to justify their permission for a return. A better answer might be, "to use the time to take a couple community college courses to test my interests, to hold a job, to save my earnings, and so at the end of a year I have enough money to move out and live independently again." Always specify objectives for coming home that, when reached, result in readiness for leaving home again.
Then there are LIMITS. What limits do parents want to set on the adolescent's freedom while at home? For example, what limits do they want to set on the young person's socializing at home, determining what is watched on the family room TV, use of the computer, driving a family car, eating whatever is in the kitchen, borrowing parental belongings, sleeping in during weekdays? Of course, the first limit to set is how long the stay is to last. An open ended stay can drag on for a long unproductive time.
Finally, consider DEMANDS. What demands on the adolescent's time and energy do they want to make? For example, what demands do they want to make about contributing household responsibilities, helping around the home, making own spending money, shopping for and cooking family meals, looking after younger children? Such demands are not intrusive, they are supportive. They give the young person a constructive role to play in the family.
Having mentioned these suggestions to some parents, they shook their heads and objected. "That's no way to treat a guest!"
"That's right," I agreed. "You need to treat your returning adolescent not as a guest, but as a returning member of the family come home for a working stay designed to turn out well enough (not perfectly) for everyone.
Now consider Mutuality. A major cause for a return home to work out badly is when the adolescent proceeds to live in a one way (all his or her way) relationship to parents and they accept this inequity, to their hurt and angry cost. Instead, they must insist on mutuality. He or she must live with them on two-way, not one way terms. Simply put, this means practicing reciprocity, compromise, and consideration.
RECIPROCITY in a relationship is achieved when each party actively contributes to the wellbeing of the other. Thus just as parents provide a living space for the adolescent, the adolescent provides some house-keeping services to help maintain that space.
COMPROMISE is achieved when in disagreement both parties agree to move off their immediate self-interest to define a common interest where each gives some to get some of what each wants. Thus when Sunday and the time for family worship arrives, and parents want the adolescent to attend church when she does not, they settle on her attending not every week, but every other Sunday.
CONSIDERATION is achieved when each party in the relationship makes an effort not to tread on each other's sensitivities. Thus the adolescent keeps music played quiet enough not to offend parental ears, and parents do not ask about who the adolescent is going out with when he dates.
To the degree that the older adolescent can live on terms of mutuality with parents (practicing reciprocity, compromise, and sensitivity) this training can have significant benefit in two ways.
First, it establishes a basis of mutuality for conducting the adult relationship with parents in the years ahead. And second it teaches essential skills for successfully managing a significant partnership when the time for that relationship arrives.
If the young person is simply unwilling to meet their minimal conditions and live on two-way, mutual terms with them, then parents should not criticize or get angry. They should respect the young person's choice, and then say something like this. "We understand that you have reached an age when living only on your own terms is what you need to do. Unhappily, this will not work living with us. Therefore, within the next two weeks you need to make other living arrangements. Of course, while you are still in town we would love to get to see you as always."
Returning home after having left for independence is not a right, it is a privilege.
It is a not a luxury available to all. The adolescent is privileged to have a home that welcomes her return, just as parents are privileged to have this precious extended family time with their older adolescent son or daughter. As I suggest, this needs to be a two-way street.
Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Austin, Texas.
Yogi Berra had it right, not just about the game of baseball but about the game of parenting as well. "It ain't over 'til it's over," he observed. And so for many parents, just when they think the nest is finally empty and their son or daughter has been successfully launched, that old bedroom is re-occupied by a returning older adolescent come home not just to visit, but to stay.
It's very common during the fourth and final stage of adolescence, what I call "trial independence" (ages 18 - 23), for a young person who has been living apart from family to return home to take up residence again. Precise estimates are hard to come by, but the New York Times (August 18, 2010) cited that 40% of young people in their 20's move back in with parents at least once. ("What is the matter with 20-somethings?")
It may be they need a place to carry them over a break in their work or educational lives. It may be that they have lost their independent footing, encountered some life crisis, and need a safe place to recover before stepping out on their own again. In either case, this return can create an awkward home coming.
Having become accustomed to living separately (without exposure to each other's daily presence and influence), moving back together is an adjustment because both parent and adolescent must give up some freedom in the process. The parent has to give up freedom from ignorance about the young person's conduct, and the adolescent has to give up freedom from parental scrutiny. While the parent struggles with how much parenting responsibility to reassert, the adolescent struggles with how much autonomy to surrender.
Both usually agree that since the young person has been functioning independently and is older, their relationship should now be more grown up. But here is where the return home can start to get abrasive.
Thinks the adolescent, for example: "I am now too grown up to report my comings and goings to my parents." However, parents want to know how late he or she will be home at night so they don't have to worry.
Think the parents, for example: "Our adolescent is now sufficiently grown up to live in the neat and orderly way we like." However, the adolescent wants home to be relaxed enough not to have to worry about picking up and putting back after himself all the time.
What's going on? Usually, the answer is regression. The frame of reference that each imposes on the return relationship tends to resemble the one that described how it was when they last lived together. So they each revert to that. Parents remember insisting that the adolescent adequately inform them when going out at night. The adolescent remembers ignoring, or at least delaying, compliance with housekeeping needs of parents. The return home typically revives old habits of behaviors in them all.
So what needs to happen? Clarification of CONDITIONS and committing to MUTUALITY are the answers. For adequate clarification, the basic terms of return must be specified and agreed upon. For adequate cooperation, efforts must be made by both sides to help make the relationship work.
From what I have seen of these boomerang situations, the return home goes best when parents are proactive and specific about declaring what they need in the relationship. Play "wait and see how it's going to be" to have the young person back home, and parents risk living on returnee terms they don't like.
They need to come up with a set of conditions that will minimally structure the young person's stay so that the hosting works well for them, and thus for her. Because the young person needs welcoming parents, not complaining ones, he or she needs to know the basics of what they need. The three kinds of conditions are: purpose, limits, and demands of the stay.
Start with PURPOSE. What is the objective of coming home? If the young person says, "to take a break, hang out here for a while, and forget my troubles," this answer is insufficient to justify their permission for a return. A better answer might be, "to use the time to take a couple community college courses to test my interests, to hold a job, to save my earnings, and so at the end of a year I have enough money to move out and live independently again." Always specify objectives for coming home that, when reached, result in readiness for leaving home again.
Then there are LIMITS. What limits do parents want to set on the adolescent's freedom while at home? For example, what limits do they want to set on the young person's socializing at home, determining what is watched on the family room TV, use of the computer, driving a family car, eating whatever is in the kitchen, borrowing parental belongings, sleeping in during weekdays? Of course, the first limit to set is how long the stay is to last. An open ended stay can drag on for a long unproductive time.
Finally, consider DEMANDS. What demands on the adolescent's time and energy do they want to make? For example, what demands do they want to make about contributing household responsibilities, helping around the home, making own spending money, shopping for and cooking family meals, looking after younger children? Such demands are not intrusive, they are supportive. They give the young person a constructive role to play in the family.
Having mentioned these suggestions to some parents, they shook their heads and objected. "That's no way to treat a guest!"
"That's right," I agreed. "You need to treat your returning adolescent not as a guest, but as a returning member of the family come home for a working stay designed to turn out well enough (not perfectly) for everyone.
Now consider Mutuality. A major cause for a return home to work out badly is when the adolescent proceeds to live in a one way (all his or her way) relationship to parents and they accept this inequity, to their hurt and angry cost. Instead, they must insist on mutuality. He or she must live with them on two-way, not one way terms. Simply put, this means practicing reciprocity, compromise, and consideration.
RECIPROCITY in a relationship is achieved when each party actively contributes to the wellbeing of the other. Thus just as parents provide a living space for the adolescent, the adolescent provides some house-keeping services to help maintain that space.
COMPROMISE is achieved when in disagreement both parties agree to move off their immediate self-interest to define a common interest where each gives some to get some of what each wants. Thus when Sunday and the time for family worship arrives, and parents want the adolescent to attend church when she does not, they settle on her attending not every week, but every other Sunday.
CONSIDERATION is achieved when each party in the relationship makes an effort not to tread on each other's sensitivities. Thus the adolescent keeps music played quiet enough not to offend parental ears, and parents do not ask about who the adolescent is going out with when he dates.
To the degree that the older adolescent can live on terms of mutuality with parents (practicing reciprocity, compromise, and sensitivity) this training can have significant benefit in two ways.
First, it establishes a basis of mutuality for conducting the adult relationship with parents in the years ahead. And second it teaches essential skills for successfully managing a significant partnership when the time for that relationship arrives.
If the young person is simply unwilling to meet their minimal conditions and live on two-way, mutual terms with them, then parents should not criticize or get angry. They should respect the young person's choice, and then say something like this. "We understand that you have reached an age when living only on your own terms is what you need to do. Unhappily, this will not work living with us. Therefore, within the next two weeks you need to make other living arrangements. Of course, while you are still in town we would love to get to see you as always."
Returning home after having left for independence is not a right, it is a privilege.
It is a not a luxury available to all. The adolescent is privileged to have a home that welcomes her return, just as parents are privileged to have this precious extended family time with their older adolescent son or daughter. As I suggest, this needs to be a two-way street.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Mom, I'm Home
There is lots of chatter out there about boomerang kids. It is a phenomenon happening in families all over America. Our very educated off-spring get out of college and in this economy, can't find a job. With college loans and credit card debt, they find hourly jobs and move back home to make ends meet. What follows are some simple and straightforward guidelines. I like them , because they are not debating the pros and cons of moving back home, they address the "already heres."
1. You can help but don’t enable.
If your BK’s could or should be able to do it for themselves, stay out of it—even if you could do it easier, simpler, or better than them at this point. If they don’t have challenges to face and overcome, they won’t grow. Regardless of whether your BK’s are employed or not, they can be expanding their skill sets, their levels of maturity, their willingness to take on adult responsibilities, their compassion and so on. Tip: If you are leading the job-hunting process for them or filling out their school applications, you’re enabling.
2. Trust and respect are non-negotiable.
If you don’t trust your BK, and if you don’t respect one another, they shouldn’t be living in your home. Period. By the way, the degree of trust and respect one deserves or provides has nothing to do with how much money one is able to bring in during these challenging times.
3. Don’t impose on your BK’s world.
If your BK didn’t attend Aunt Martha’s birthday when he was off at college, don’t necessarily expect him to help frost the cake now that he’s home. Your BK needs the space to nurture his own world of relationships and not return to old roles established when he was a child in your home. Don’t take offense when your BK demands a greater degree of distance between his and your life. In fact, be grateful. This is healthy.
4. Tell the truth about the facts.
I worry about those of us who are going further into debt or using money set aside for retirement to help our BKs now and who are self-sacrificing beyond their means. Many of us are surprised to have found ourselves in such a precarious position at this stage of life, and are tempted to keep contributing more than we can afford both out of love—and let’s admit it—to save face.
A better strategy is transparency: telling the truth about the vulnerable position we’re in and problem-solving together. This only works, by the way, if you paid attention to guideline two, the one about trust and respect as the prerequisite for living together under the same roof. Under these circumstances, truth always empowers.
5. Be flexible, but stay vigilant.
As a society, good-hearted people of all generations are in unmapped territory. Will unemployment get worse instead of better? How long will this last? How are we to relate to one another as adults of different generations under one roof?
As the parents of the BK, it is unfair to judge your adult offspring’s progress by yesterday’s standards. It's also unfair to follow yesterday's rules in order to exert the illusion of control. That said, these times of change and transition should not be taken as a free-for-all. We are all making this up as we go, so be flexible—but stay vigilant. The line between helping and enabling, generosity and martyrdom is a thin one, indeed.
When all else fails, be stingy on advice and generous with love. And as the old saying goes nothing lasts forever—not even hard times. www.divinecaroline.com
More to follow next week. chrissie
1. You can help but don’t enable.
If your BK’s could or should be able to do it for themselves, stay out of it—even if you could do it easier, simpler, or better than them at this point. If they don’t have challenges to face and overcome, they won’t grow. Regardless of whether your BK’s are employed or not, they can be expanding their skill sets, their levels of maturity, their willingness to take on adult responsibilities, their compassion and so on. Tip: If you are leading the job-hunting process for them or filling out their school applications, you’re enabling.
2. Trust and respect are non-negotiable.
If you don’t trust your BK, and if you don’t respect one another, they shouldn’t be living in your home. Period. By the way, the degree of trust and respect one deserves or provides has nothing to do with how much money one is able to bring in during these challenging times.
3. Don’t impose on your BK’s world.
If your BK didn’t attend Aunt Martha’s birthday when he was off at college, don’t necessarily expect him to help frost the cake now that he’s home. Your BK needs the space to nurture his own world of relationships and not return to old roles established when he was a child in your home. Don’t take offense when your BK demands a greater degree of distance between his and your life. In fact, be grateful. This is healthy.
4. Tell the truth about the facts.
I worry about those of us who are going further into debt or using money set aside for retirement to help our BKs now and who are self-sacrificing beyond their means. Many of us are surprised to have found ourselves in such a precarious position at this stage of life, and are tempted to keep contributing more than we can afford both out of love—and let’s admit it—to save face.
A better strategy is transparency: telling the truth about the vulnerable position we’re in and problem-solving together. This only works, by the way, if you paid attention to guideline two, the one about trust and respect as the prerequisite for living together under the same roof. Under these circumstances, truth always empowers.
5. Be flexible, but stay vigilant.
As a society, good-hearted people of all generations are in unmapped territory. Will unemployment get worse instead of better? How long will this last? How are we to relate to one another as adults of different generations under one roof?
As the parents of the BK, it is unfair to judge your adult offspring’s progress by yesterday’s standards. It's also unfair to follow yesterday's rules in order to exert the illusion of control. That said, these times of change and transition should not be taken as a free-for-all. We are all making this up as we go, so be flexible—but stay vigilant. The line between helping and enabling, generosity and martyrdom is a thin one, indeed.
When all else fails, be stingy on advice and generous with love. And as the old saying goes nothing lasts forever—not even hard times. www.divinecaroline.com
More to follow next week. chrissie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)