No Flash in the Pan

A father reflects upon his first 50 years in a letter to his college age children about how to wisely choose their friends. It started as private, family email. But the children realized the potential of this Life Lessons letter for mentoring people - throughout life - and encouraged their father to share it widely. Read below what Ron Zimmerman, Father of two, has to say about relationships

 Probe deeply, past appearance and even intelligence, to core character that people develop through experience.  Ask these six hard questions of potential lovers, friends, and colleagues - patiently - sometimes allowing months for the true answers to emerge:

1)  Do you have a good relationship with your parents, or if this is not possible, have you made peace with your parents?

We are born into this world dependent on parents and immediate family for everything that we need to survive.  What kids learn from this experience depends on how well their parents lived up to this trust.  Did the parents act maturely, in the best interests of their kids?  Watch out for people who were neglected or abused, even verbally, by their parents.  Unless they are making peace with it as adults, their unresolved anger at being hurt by a protector could turn into rage and explode on you.

Remember the ethics that you learned in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your Father and Mother ...".  It does not say love your parents. Love between people is voluntary.   No parents are perfect and some are abusive.  So it is a good sign when someone rises above all of our imperfections and finds a way to at least honor their parents.  Yet if you observe a person dishonoring someone else, especially one of their own parents, be realistic. Ask why you would have confidence that they might consistently honor or love you.

People who view one or both of their parents as heroes may be prepared to transfer that trust to a deserving third person - perhaps you - especially if you remind them of the parent that they view as a hero.

2)  Are you comfortable in your own skin?

When you look in the mirror do you like the person who stares back?  Any body type can have inner beauty.  Watch out for people who strongly dislike part of their own body. 

People can't be more honest with you than they are with themselves.  When someone says they are working hard, are they being completely honest or are they fooling themself?  The same with diet and exercise. 

Associate with people who bravely deal with bad news.  The famous boxer Joe Louis once said, "He can run, but he can't hide."  People who are honest with themselves insist on hearing bad news and responding to it immediately.

3)  Do you consistently help and avoid hurting people, including yourself and others?
  
Associate with people who make helping others a priority in their lives.  Look deeper than their choice of professions and ask whether they truly enjoy helping others.  Consistently helping includes making the ordinary fun, being generous, and settling disputes.  Avoid hurting yourself includes substance abuse - alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy food.

My Hindu friends say, "Help ever, hurt never."  Ever and never are high standards, with many cases that appear to have both help and hurt.  Examples: hurt a little now, but help much in the long-run; or hurt yourself a bit to greatly help someone else.  Gravitate towards people who find the middle ground. Watch out for people who are unrealistic, doormats, or selfish.

4)  Who are your mentors and mentees?

Successful people commonly volunteer to help others become successful.  The good feeling that comes from mentoring can be more powerful than money.  Especially in your early career, the mentoring of a good boss may be more valuable than your paycheck.

So it is a good sign when someone has attracted mentors and freely gives them credit.  It is also a good sign when someone who is already successful takes the time to raise others up.  Watch out for people who claim to be successful and say they did it all on their own.  Some people are partially ready for this question and can tell you about their mentors, but not their mentees.  They don't get it.  

5)  Who are your friends and colleagues?

It is a good sign if someone loyally maintains friendships over many years.  Look at the people surrounding a potential new friend or colleague.  Would you want to associate with them? 

Watch out for people who rely upon control, rather than up-front, principled, mutual interest.  A loyal friend will keep your interests in mind and suggest win-win compromises, when your interests diverge. 

Listen circumspectly to what people communicate, spoken and unspoken, as if you had a third ear connected to your heart.

• Loyal Friends find a moment when your heart & mind are open to convey hard truths - to help you.
• Flatterers can't wait  to tell you what you want to hear - to help themselves a little.
• Frauds stage a moment to knock you off-balance - to leverage your resources for their great benefit.

Look at how people manage expectations.  Do they know what they want and is it just? Do they say anything to get their way?  Or do they under promise and over deliver?  Do they set reasonable boundaries or are their boundaries fluid? 

When you work on teams, be on guard for conflicts of interest popping up around you, especially these signs: ambiguous responsibilities, withholding of best efforts, partial disclosures, and conflicting loyalties. 

Nurture your friendships, but listen to your inner voice.  Once in a while, if you schedule an event that later seems forced, postpone it with confidence.  People who you would want as friends will understand.  A similar event may be just around the corner - and even more fun.

6)  Do you consistently follow these guidelines?

Watch how people respond after hard-won success or bitter failure.  Some people's worst mistakes occur soon after hard-won success.  Others are quitters, who take themselves out of the game after failures. 

Limit your time in the company of non-optimistic people.  When possible, avoid working for non-optimistic people.  While you may rationalize the money that you earn, you may be exposing your soul to their emotional kryptonite and risk losing what makes you super.

In business, venture capitalists invest to accelerate success, but usually not to make the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, be open to the possibility of growth in people, but be humble about your ability to change them.  Anybody can say that they have changed.  Believe it only after you understand the struggle that caused change and after you see deeds that demonstrate it.

No one succeeds all the time.  100% is an "A" in school.  But in the real world of risk & reward, 80% to 90% is an "A." But if you are under-challenged and miss a chance to learn from mistakes, 100% might be a "B." 

The keys to success are to prioritize according to your passions & values, manage your time & health, learn from mistakes, delegate unambiguously, adapt continuously, forgive quickly (yourself & others), apologize bravely, and fight persistently.  Success in major goals, like earning a degree, running a business, recovering from severe illness, or nurturing love at times requires the visible commitment of your total strength & restraint from pursuing conflicting goals.  

* * *

Thanks for listening and tolerating your old man.  At least a few times in your life, you will fall into trouble.  In fact, I hesitated to write this letter, out of concern that you might be reluctant to seek my help, if you did not follow my advice.  Don't worry. I am still working towards these ideals myself.  Count on my best efforts to help you, just as many people help me.  I am your friend, as well as your father.

Be careful in applying these life lessons not to dismiss people.  An early mentor told me that he silently asks these questions as he meets new people:  Would I trust this person with managing a $1,000 project?  a $10,000 project?  a $100,000 project?  Be open to many role players in your life, but remember your few, true, lifelong friends.

Everyone deserves respect and compassion as a human being. But raise the bar for the bigger projects in your career and the most important relationships of your life.  Don't worry that you will be lonely in your selectivity.  Follow these Life Lessons yourself, while being active in the world, and like-minded people will find you. 

Chrissie

Quick TIps for Raising Teens

Your child isn't a little kid anymore. They're a teen, or a tween -- and it's time to tweak your parenting skills to keep up with them.
Yes, they're probably moodier now than when they were young. And you have new things to think about, like curfews, dating, new drivers, and friends who make you raise your eyebrows.
No doubt about it: Your teen, or tween, will test your limits, and your patience. But they're still your child. And, though they won't admit it, they still need you!
The key is knowing what efforts are worth it, and which ones backfire.  Web M.D. offers 5 clearly defined examples of mistakes transitioning from children to teen parents make.  

1. Expecting the Worst

Teenagers get a bad rap, says Richard Lerner, PhD, director of the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development at Tufts University. Many parents approach raising teenagers as an ordeal, believing they can only watch helplessly as their lovable children transform into unpredictable monsters.
But that sets you -- and your teen -- up for several unhappy, unsatisfying years together.
“The message we give teenagers is that they’re only ‘good’ if they’re not doing ‘bad’ things, such as doing drugs, hanging around with the wrong crowd, or having sex,” Lerner says.
It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy: Negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most. A Wake Forest University study showed that teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.
Lerner's advide: Focus on your child's interests and hobbies, even if you don’t understand them. You could open a new path of communication, reconnect with the child you love, and learn something new.

2. Reading Too Many Parenting Books

Rather than trusting their instincts, many parents turn to outside experts for advice on how to raise teens. “Parents can tie themselves into knots trying to follow the advice they read in books,” says Robert Evans, EdD, author of Family Matters: How Schools Can Cope with the Crisis in Child Rearing.
It's not that parenting books are bad.
“Books become a problem when parents use them to replace their own innate skills,” Evans says. “If the recommendations and their personal style don’t fit, parents wind up more anxious and less confident with their own children.”
Use books to get perspective on confusing behavior -- and then put the book down and trust that you've learned what you need to learn. Get clear about what matters most to you and your family.

3. Sweating the Small Stuff

Maybe you don't like your tween daughter's haircut or choice of clothes. Or perhaps she didn't get the part in the play you know she deserves.
But before you step in, look at the big picture.
If it's not putting your child at risk, give her the leeway to make age-appropriate decisions and learn from the consequences of her choices.
“A lot of parents don't want growing up to involve any pain, disappointment, or failure,” Evans says. But protecting your child from the realities of life takes away valuable learning opportunities -- before they're out on their own.  
Of course, you'll still be there for guidance and comfort -- you're still the parent. But challenge yourself to step back and let your child know you're there for them.

4. Ignoring the Big Stuff

If you suspect your child is using alcohol or drugs, do not look the other way. Even if it's "just" alcohol or marijuana -- or even if it reminds you of your own youth -- you must take action now, before it becomes a bigger problem.
“The years when kids are between 13 and 18 years old are an essential time for parents to stay involved,” Amelia M. Arria, PhD, tells WebMD. She is director of the University of Maryland's Center on Young Adult Health and Development. Parents might consider teen drinking a rite of passage because they drank when they were that age. “But the stakes are higher now,” Arria says.
Watch for unexplained changes in your teen’s behavior, appearance, academic performance, and friends. And remember, it's not just illicit drugs that are abused now -- prescription drugs and even cough medicines and household products are also in the mix.
If you find empty cough medicine packaging in your child’s trash or backpack, if bottles of medicine go missing from your cabinet, or if you find unfamiliar pills, pipes, rolling papers, or matches, your child could be abusing drugs.
Take these signs seriously and get involved. Safeguard all the medicines you have: Know which products are in your home and how much medication is in each package or bottle.

5. Too Much, or Too Little, Discipline

Some parents, sensing a loss of control over their teens' behavior, crack down every time their child steps out of line. Others avoid all conflict for fear their teens will push them away.
You don't have to do either of those things. It's about finding a balance between obedience and freedom.
If you put too much emphasis on obedience, you may be able to make your teen or tween fall into line -- but at what price? Teens raised in rigid environments miss out on the chance to develop problem-solving or leadership skills -- because you're making the decisions for them.

5. Too Much, or Too Little, Discipline continued...

Yet too little discipline doesn't help, either. Teens and tweens need clear structure and rules to live by as they start to explore the world outside. 
As their parent, it's up to you to set your family's core values and communicate them through your words and actions. That's being an authoritative parent, an approach that "helps children develop the skills they need to govern themselves in appropriate ways," Lerner says.
Remember, your influence runs deeper than you may think. Most teens say they want to spend more time with their parents. Keep making time for your child throughout the tween and teen years. Even when it doesn’t show, you provide the solid ground they know they can always come home to.

 

 

It's A Small World After All

Happened on this great article in the New York Times.  Written by Amy Chozik, it examines what "global" eaters our children are. I remember my first pizza.  Murray's Pizza was on 32nd, across from the then, Holiday Motel.  Murray had lost his arm in WWII and my brothers and I were fascinated with his pizza removal method.  He would whip open the pizza oven door with his good hand, then pull the pizza out of the oven with his hook.  It was very exotic and the resulting product was tasty and new. Pizza! Imagine. chrissie

MY childhood tasted of bland roast chicken and canned crescent rolls — starchy fare that typically came out of a box, plopped on our plates by our tireless working mom. Dining out usually meant wielding our trays down the line at Luby’s Cafeteria in San Antonio for mashed potatoes and a factory-cut square of fried fish, with a clover-shaped dinner roll on the side. 

So how did we end up here, crammed around a corner table at Pizzeria Delfina in San Francisco this summer, arguing over whether we should order a second bottle of a primitivo from Apulia? The meal began with my sister and me offering Mom $80 to try the fried pigs’ ears with chile oil (they’re heavenly; she refused) and ended with Dad trying his best to swallow the sticker shock of the $300-plus bill. (“For pizza!”)

In the decade since my sister and I left South Texas and adopted the palates that come with our respective coastal cities, San Francisco and New York, meals for my family — and, I discovered, many others like ours — have become a source of tension, a stark reminder of the generational red food-blue food divide.

It’s as if each time my family sits down together for a meal, all the cultural differences from the place we came from (land of chain restaurants, big-box grocery stores and drive-throughs) and the places we ended up (lands of Michelin stars, artisanal cheese and locally farm-raised you-name-it) bubble to the surface like the yeast in my sister’s favorite sour batard bread.

Eating together inevitably leads to a long list of proscribed cuisines that are either too spicy (Indian) or too rich (French) or just too New York (brunch). Our mom, always eager to please, recently declared that she loved sushi, “just not the raw stuff.” The morning after Delfina, over dim sum at Yank Sing, an epic family fight broke out somewhere between the Shanghai dumplings and the Peking duck carts.

My sister, Stefani, and I are no better on a visit to Texas. On a recent trip, she declared my folks’ favorite restaurant on the River Walk “a waste of a meal.”

My parents have tried for years to get me to eat at Pasha Mediterranean Grill, built in a former Tex-Mex restaurant shaped like a sombrero. They swear it’s better than anything I can get in New York. The conversation usually ends with my rolling my eyes and saying, “We have pita bread in New York, Dad.” He replies, “Not like this you don’t.” And so on until everyone is annoyed.

As the holidays approached, my husband, having endured these fights for three years, encouraged me to use my reporting skills to investigate whether meals bring out the same generational and geographic rifts in other families. Can food, so often portrayed this time of year as the glue that binds a family together, also be the wedge that drives us apart?

Absolutely, said William J. Doherty, a social science professor at the University of Minnesota who writes about family rituals. “Food is physical, psychological and emotional,” he said. “There’s almost nothing like it as both a connector and a divider.” Tensions aired around the table — “a microcosm of family life and social relations” — often lead to broader, more healthy debates, he said. (True. The dim sum fight somehow transformed into a dayslong discussion about our parents’ retirement plans.)

Dr. Doherty suspects that parents in suburban and rural areas harbor unspoken pride in their children’s culinary snobbery. Yes, we can be insufferable to dine with, but we can also afford to eat out and learn about foods that were not available where we grew up. But like working-class parents who sacrificed to send their children to college, only to find that they have little in common, different tastes can also highlight familial growing pains.

“Food is a symptom and a symbol of change and how people grow apart,” said Heather Paxson, an anthropology professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “People want their kids to do better, but there’s also the fear that they’ll be left behind or judged as lacking in some way.”

The reverse can happen to parents who forced their children to eat foie gras and Wagyu. “An adult child can go to one extreme and become an epicure, or say, ‘I want peanut butter and jelly every day,’ ” said Ellyn Satter, a dietitian and family therapist in Madison, Wis.

The generational food gap corresponds to the evolved way many American families eat today, Dr. Paxson said. Baby boomers like my folks largely adopted the frugal dining habits of their World War II-era parents. Dinners were about affordability and efficiency. My parents put dinner on the table each night to feed us, not to enlighten us about edamame and the wonders of a Le Creuset Dutch oven (which my mom now owns and uses often).

“It was part of the day’s routine,” said Marilyn Hagerty, a columnist in Grand Forks, N.D., who gained instant fame this year for her review of a local Olive Garden. “We had to eat. It was nothing we’d all stand around and savor.”

That all changes when children move away. For some, a new social milieu means adopting a vegan diet or giving up carbohydrates, while others, like my brother-in-law, drink only Blue Bottle coffee made in a handblown Chemex coffee maker. My friend Barry Dale says the only thing tougher than telling his Southern parents he was gay was telling them he was gluten free. (He does not have celiac disease.)

Ms. Hagerty’s daughter once worked in Hong Kong, and took her mother on a culinary tour of Shanghai. “I just thought she’d come a long way from the macaroni and cheese and tuna fish and noodles she ate in North Dakota growing up,” Ms. Hagerty said.

All that worldly deliciousness can turn even the most agreeable eaters into arrogant urbanites. But I also learned that within each family, neutral ground exists.

My parents and I completely agree when it comes to San Antonio’s regional Tex-Mex and barbecue spots. Stefani and I desperately miss the flavors of a bean-and-cheese taco from Las Palapas (closed on Sundays “for family and worship”) and bring back jars of Rudy’s barbecue sauce in our suitcases after most visits home.

Ms. Hagerty said that on visits to Grand Forks, her adult children rush to the Red Pepper for its special “grinder” sandwich made with taco meat and white sauce. And each of the children’s kitchens has an aebleskiver pan, a tool Danish cooks use to make the little doughy pancakes that the Hagertys grew up on.

My family has developed some new favorites, but it has not been easy. One of my most heated food fights with my father started at Russ & Daughters, a landmark appetizing shop on the Lower East Side. My dad loved the look of the smoked salmon, chopped liver and dried fruit arranged like artwork behind glass. Then he discovered that the store did not have a toaster oven.

I tried my best to convince him that the bagels were so deliciously fresh they didn’t need to be toasted, but the thought of an untoasted bagel was too much. We left the store screaming at each other.

Years later, now that the shop has a toaster oven, he laughs at what is known in my family as “the toasted bagel incident.”

“The main thing is that we are all together at the same table, and not the food that is on it,” he said.

Still, he’d really like us to try Pasha.

Make A Wish

I have talked a great deal about what makes the experiment of "family" successful.  Family starts when our children are small, and if we do it right, continues for the rest of our lives. The key to me seems to be a constant presence, without seeming so.  A lot of being the parent of adult children involves learning to keep our opinions to ourselves, but being available and supportive..

Children grow up. I know.  It really happened.  It's our job to have raised them with the tools needed to lead a successful and satisfying life.  Part of this is, letting them lead that life. News Flash. It is theirs. Not yours.  I have learned, venture an opinion or suggestion as the observing parent, be prepared to live with the consequences. Now, I am talking about life choices, not the living room drapes. Well, actually, let them pick their own drapes. Trust me. It works out better.

If you are a controlling parent of adult children, one of two things happens.  Your children are insecure and dependent on you- and never experience the joy and challenge of being a  "grown up." Additionally, there is a lot of pressure on you if things aren't working out too well.  The second option is, your adult child resents your intrusion and pulls away from your input and advice.  They also physically separate themselves. This is not the mid-life you want for yourselves.  You want to be with your children and their families as much as possible.  That is the gift we get for raising them.

The Wagner family is growing.  Son Ward proposed to his lovely Ally over Christmas and we could not be more delighted.  All the Wagner's gathered in Oklahoma City over the weekend. Since three of our four children live there, it seems we find any excuse to gather and be together. It was Annie and Ally's birthday week and of course, there was cake.  And conversation. Lots of conversation.  Wedding conversation. When. Where. Who.

Now there is nothing I love more than planning a wedding.  I have lots of ideas.  The ideal place. The flowers.  The music........................so what did I do Sunday?  Followed my own advice.  Nodded my head.  Added an" ummm" or a head nod when appropriate.  Bit my tongue when I thought I wanted to bubble forth with something  relevant...........................There is no way I am jeopardizing our future relationship together, as a family, over a four hour event.  I mean, keep priorities straight. Down the road, there may be grandchildren!!!!  chrissie

You Are What You Eat

It's the new year and everyone is thinking about a healthy lifestyle.  Turning over a new leaf,  losing weight, eating right and exercising.  If your teen seems to be making the wrong choices in their diet, the new year is a good time to offer a different way of thinking and eating.

As teens become more independent in their food choices, they tend to make the wrong choices - even teens who were brought up eating healthy. Here are the four worst food habits teens have and what you can do about them:
Skipping breakfast is the leading bad food habit for teenagers. According to the American Dietetic Association, more than half of male teens and more than two-thirds of female teens do not eat breakfast on a regular basis. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eating breakfast can upstart your teen’s metabolism, which helps with weight control, mood and school performance.
You can ensure that your teen eats a healthy breakfast by making the foods readily accessible to him. Make it a part of your routine to put breakfast on the table and sit with your teen while you both enjoy a healthy breakfast. Or, if time is a problem, go for the grab and eat on the way breakfasts that are now on the market.
The next unhealthy food habit teens have is increased foods from 'other' food group. Think of the food pyramid, the 'other' food group is the smallest smallest section at the top with what is supposed to be the least amount of servings. Teens tend to eat too much high fat and calorie snack foods that are categorized in the 'other' food group.
You can help teens break this habit by having fruits and healthy snacks available more often then having high fat and calorie snacks available. It is easier to grab a bag of chips at the grocery store then picking up a bag of oranges and remembering to wash, quarter and put them out on the table during snack time. But the benefits to your teen's health are worth the effort.
Increased eating outside of the home is another bad food habit teens have. Teens hit the fast food restaurants much more often then they did when they were younger. This tends to be because of school, sports and work schedules overlapping regular meal times.
To circumvent this bad habit, talk to your teen about only eating fast food once a week. Then make dinner and healthy food available to him when he has the time. This is as easy as fixing a plate for him and allowing him to heat it up when he gets home from his sports practice. Or having sandwich fixings ready when he gets home from school and has to run off to work.
Last, but not least, in this list of bad food habits is soft drink consumption. A study looking at American youths aged 6-17 found an increase in the prevalence of soft drink consumption from 37% in 1978 to 56% in 1998. You can help your teen choose a healthier drink by having fruit juice and water available and not buying soda. Or try fruit flavored carbonated water instead of soda. My teens really like these.
One common denominator for getting teens to eat healthier and avoid these bad food habits is your active role in providing healthy foods. When you get in the habit of making these foods more readily available to your teen, you will see a change in their eating habits.(Teens. About.com)
Keeping food available and ready to go is the key to getting your teen to ear right  Breakfast can be yogurt and fruit, in a paper cup as they run out the door.  A corn tortilla with scrambled eggs and turkey sausage.  Cheerios or another favorite whole grain cereal, with banana or strawberries, served to eat on the go.  Smoothies are always a good option.
 Snacks?  Raw vegetables and low fat Ranch dressing or hummus.  Fresh fruit, washed and ready to go.  Popcorn.. Lean meats and whole wheat wraps, or cheese and whole wheat crackers. Fajitas, grilled out earlier and ready to heat up.  A sweet potato, microwaved and served with a small pat of butter.  Guacamole and a few baked tortilla chips.
Weight Watchers is a great resource for healthy eating and losing weight.  Really, anything that works and encourage your teen is a great way to start.  Happy New Year, and Happy New You.  chrissie