Popular. I Want To Be Popular.

I saw the musical "Wicked" last week in Oklahoma City and was delighted with the show. The sets, costumes, songs and story were all top notch and the flying monkeys were an added crowd pleaser. If anyone out there needs a director for a less ambitious but thoroughly captivating "Wicked" production, let me know. Having flown Peter Pan, flying monkeys don't intimidate me, for a smaller venue, it's the staging and lighting that might need to be altered a little

A a musical theatre groupie, I can't help but find life lessons in music and lyrics. The philosophy of "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line applies not only the love of dance but sacrifices made for any great love. South Pacific's ,"You've Got to Be Taught" not only speaks of prejudice and intolerance but reminds the listener children learn what they hear from those closest to them. "Popular" from Wicked applies to Mel's last blog regarding girls and their image. We may not agree but we know where Galinda is coming from. We were there. We were concerned. We were 14.

I have mentioned this song in an earlier blog. Galinda, (you have to see the show to get her name) is taking Elsiba under her wing. Think Legally Blonde meets young Friday of the
Addams family.

I'll teach you the proper ploys

When you talk to boys.

Everything that really counts.....To be popular

You'll hang with the right cohorts, You'll be good at sports

I know about popular.

And with an assist from me

To be who you'll be, Instead of dreary who-you-were:......uh, are:

When I see depressing creatures

With unprepossessing features

I remind them on their own behalf

To think of Celebrated Heads of State or specially Great Communicators

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh! They were popular! Please -

It's all about popular! It's not about aptitude

It's the way you're viewed

So it's very shrewd to be

Very, very popular, Like me!

"Today" show contributor, Ruth A Peters, Ph.D. recently discussed teen girls and self-confidence. What leads to self-confidence? Suggesting to a tween or teen that social standing and popularity are unimportant to feel confident will most likely be met with deep sighs and eye-rolling.

Teens have always and will always continue to worry about popularity. It is a normal preoccupation of adolescence. Dr. Peters argues that parents need to be realistic, not rigidly idealistic, in terms of expecting their teen to be able to rise above the power of social pressure. It really hurts to feel invisible at school, believing that if you didn’t show up no one would notice. Or, to sit home with the folks on the weekend, assuming that the other kids are having the time of the lives "out there"

We parents need to realize that often girls need to first fit in on more superficial levels (clothing, hair style, and looking like "twinkies") before they can begin to feel comfortable displaying their individuality. When a teen feels socially secure she is no longer as distracted or as anxious. Chances are that she will then have the confidence and the focus to take a stand on issues such as the environment, politics or promoting animal rights. She'll join clubs, volunteer at the food pantry or befriend kids who may not be as popular.

To best set the stage for your teens journey through adolescence, parents should consider the following: Try to understand how your teen girl feels, perceives and defines her world even if you disagree with her perceptions. Peter's reminds us that understanding does not mean agreeing. Remember how being 14 years old was for you; bad skin, glasses, mean girls, praying for the phone to ring, boys, and all that 14 year old angst.

Tools offered by Dr. Peters.
1. Become informed about modern "girl" culture (what is cool, what is not), issues (boyfriends, sexuality, substance usage) and communication tools (MySpace, instant messaging, cell phones). (Hopefully The Care and Feeding of Teenagers has helped.)
2. Understand the self-absorption. It is not necessarily selfishness; she needs to feel confident before she can begin to put family into proper perspective.
3. Foster her involvement in activities, skill development and interests.
4. Do not diminish her angst....perhaps silly to you, her hurts really do hurt.
5. Learn about lunchroom politics that may be downright cruel and how little control your kid may have within this setting.
6. Understand that thin is in, whether it is healthy or not. Again, understanding does not mean agreeing.
7. Find and retain the guts to parent wisely, even though your teen girl may profess to hate you at the moment.
8. Understand the lure of substance use and find out what you can do to better drug-proof your daughter.
9. Learn to listen effectively even though Precious may be unreasonable, bull-headed, or just downright nasty.
10. Set rules that are fair, clear, and attached to consequences that can be followed consistently.

11. Promote a sense of spirituality of helping others and fostering a belief in giving back.

Finally, identify you Family Code of Values and how you exemplfy and teach these in your home. If you write them down, you'll probably be pleased at the list. My list may be a little different than yours, but hopefully, we are instilling values in our children that will add to their quality of life and to the common good for all of us.

True Friends

A Mom shared the situation her 13 year old daughter was experiencing. All parents are familiar with the "Friend Tug of War" and the constant jockeying for who is in and who is out. This time her child was on the outside and totally devastated. Of course her Mother is heart broken and trying to "fix it" for her precious daughter. Most of us have been in exactly the same place with our own children. Sadly we can't "fix it", but we can give our children the tools to handle the problem on their own.

It seemed like a good time to outline Sean Covey's second most important decision a teen will ever make. (For #1 see "Do you Always Want To Wear A Paper Hat?"- January Archives)

What's number 2? Friends. Why? "Because friends can either build you up or tear you down." He continues, "more importantly, what kind of friend will you be?" Being true to yourself makes you a friend people will want to have. Why? You can be trusted, you are caring and you are self-assured. Confidence is contagious. People around it want it too.

What makes friendships so difficult?

1. N The Popularity Game N Have you heard the song Popular from the musical "Wicked"? Oklahoma's own Kristen Chenowith, portraying Glenda the Good Witch, is teaching Elseba (The Bad Witch) the game of how to be popular.

"I'll show you what shoes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts

to be pop-u-lar

This is exactly what it is - a game. In a game, there are winners and there are losers-always. So don't play it. Be wise. Don't play the game of popularity. Be yourself. (Something interesting. Independent and trustworthy You may look back in a few months time and find yourself POPULAR without all the strings attached!)

2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.

3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.

Unkind words are like rubber and glue.

What you say bounces back on you!!!

.

4. *Suffering Through Comparisons and Competitions* This is a game all ages play. Once again, there is always a loser. Be you. Be accepting and gracious with friends successes and strengths. Remember, you have talents and gifts too.

Some tips from Sean Covey to improve friendships. They are practical and easy.

+ Choose friends who like you for who and what you are.

* Don't make friends the center of your life

# Be Yourself

+ When it comes to friendships, stop competing. Think Win-Win

* Lift Others

# Prepare for peer pressure by setting goals

Here a simple exercise to help you figure yourself out.

Covey suggests you identify your personal "Life Center". Friends, school, popularity, work, hobbies, sports, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith; or something else. Now, really stand back and consider this "center's" effect on you. Is it a positive, affirming and an evolving element that is leading you toward your life's goals?

A simple check list regarding friends.

a Choose friends that build you up

a Be a true friend

a Stand up to peer pressure

One last suggestion. Come up with 5 things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure. Follow your heart, don't follow the herd.