Creating a Moment With Teens

Have you seen interior designer Bill Stubb's television show, A Moment of Luxury? I love Bill's philosophy that luxury comes in snippets of joy, rather than being derived from opulent wealth, riches, or money of any kind. Rather, he claims that simple things, like going to the show with a friend, enjoying a great work of art, or sitting in a tranquil garden are wonderful moments of luxury that everyone can enjoy.

In our often too hectic and materialistic lifestyle beautiful moments of luxury evade us. Bill's philosophy is that you can fill a house with luxurious items, but without other elements, all you've done is fill a house with beautiful items. Likewise, we can buy our teens everything they want, but without other elements, they are meaningless items and all we have achieved is that we have bought material goods.

Rather, according to Bill's philosophy of a moment of luxury, people are key to building those moments through generosity and sharing. We can easily build those moments of luxury with our teens. In most instances, moments are all we have and the best we can hope for in the busy lives we lead. It makes perfect sense, then, to keep our eyes open for those opportune moments.

Based on Bill's tips, here are some moments you can grab with your teens, regardless of your budget:

*Visit an art museum - you don't even have to go in, if you don't want to. The grounds of Philbrook Museum in Tulsa would make a great place to take some pictures of your beautiful children. There are also pieces of sculpture to enjoy on the grounds, as well as the Italian Renaissance grotto and garden. Or, visit the Five Civilized Tribes Museum, the Thomas-Foreman Home or Bacone College's Ataloa Lodge right here in Muskogee. I am always amazed at how many young people have not visited those important Muskogee attractions.

*Grab an appetizer and a drink at a restaurant you've always wanted to try. Or just split a dessert with your child. You don't have to spring for a full meal to absorb the fun atmosphere.

*Go to a college student union or bookstore. Buy a notebook with the university's logo on it for your teen to use in class. It will be a silent reminder that college is an expectation.

*Can't afford to live in a mansion, but you can afford to drive around a luxurious neighborhood and admire the architecture.

*Cook up a special meal with your child and serve it to the family on the good dishes.

*Stay at home - have breakfast on a weekend morning. That's the lap of luxury and it fits in with this year's stay-cation package.

*The summer night is full of stars. Nothing is more luxurious than lying on a blanket and gazing up at the stars, trying to identify constellations. Maybe you should reserve this moment of luxury for you and your significant other while the teens are out with their friends. Make sure you use mosquito repellant.

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't take much at all to live a life of luxury. The spirit of generosity, of spending the most costly and precious thing in the world with your children - your time. That's real luxury.

You can catch A Moment of Luxury on the Rogers State College channel (21 on Suddenlink cable) on Thursday evenings at 9:00 p.m. Visit the website at the highlighted link above for a moment of luxury of your own.

Splish Splash

Another 4th of July, come and gone. I washed and dried 33 towels today, (yes, I counted) and probably an equal number of t-shirts and athletic shorts. Our cabin was like Grand Central Station as my children came and went, fitting us in with their other holiday activities. Some now come with married friends in tow and our usually casual sleeping arrangements seem a little primitive for either pregnant or recently delivered female guests. Throwing a musty sleeping bag on a Naugahyde couch just doesn't do it. Of course, no sibling coordinates arrivals and departures, beds or canoe use with another one, so it's pretty much every man for himself. Throw in two grand babies and it gets pretty tight. Next year I need to get a flashing No Vacancy sign with a maximum occupancy posting beneath it.

One thing that has helped is our outdoor shower. First, a little background. I had a picture from Pottery Barn that I showed my handy husband. Would he build it for me? It was a simple and environmentally pleasing apparatus. A minimal shower, it's delicate pipes camouflaged by ivy that beautifully wrapped around the tree and the plumbing. Laughing little children were standing under the shower head on a small circle of pea gravel under a canopy of tree branches. Matching towels in coordinating colors hung in an aesthetically pleasing row, (100 % cotton of course) and large sea grass baskets hung from the trees with wonderful potions, expensive soaps and exotic lotions.

I knew my vision was in jeopardy when I saw my husband and two sons unloading 16 sheets of corrugated metal. Next, an old septic tank lid was resurrected from behind the shed and placed on the ground. Huge walls of metal were built around the concrete lid and industrial strength fittings and faucets were installed. One son went down to the gravel bar on the four wheeler. He returned with stinky river rocks the size of softballs and artfully arranged the gravel around the septic tank lid. Oldest son almost lost a toe when a razor sharp sheet of the metal was dropped on his foot. Benches and shelving were constructed out of cedar beams from a barn that had burned to the ground. "I knew we could use those beams somewhere. That smoky smell will fade after a while." Someone got the plumbing mixed up so my husband wrote Hot and Cold in ball point pen. Voila. My outdoor shower.

We love it. Next door neighbors know a Wagner or Wagner guest is showering by the steam coming out the top and the bare feet coming out of the bottom. Raggedy beach towel hang in a row and Suave Shampoos, Dial Soap and disposable razors stand ready for everyone. One city guest was a little rattled by a friendly garden snake who joined her at the septic lid. A favorite game is throwing ice water over the top on an unsuspecting bather. Gets em' every time. There is always someone singing at the top of their lungs. Curious dogs happen by for a scratch and a drink. There is always a steady stream of towel wrapped family, coming in from the back door and heading to their respective rooms. We don't dwell much on formality at the river. I knew my son-in-law was one of us the first time I saw him wandering through the cabin, wrapped in a pink and white beach towel.

For me, the best time for the outdoor shower is at night. The moon is overhead, the crickets are chirping and the water is steaming. All is quiet. It is solitary. It is one of the most peaceful places I have ever been. Those times on that septic lid are ones I will remember when I am old and counting special moments. There are just some times you know God is in his heaven and all is right with the world. Showering under the stars is one of them.

Pottery Barn, eat your heart out!

IM Relief for Teen Depression

We have had several posts on teens and technology, but just a quick note about instant messaging today. According to an article in Notre Dame Magazine published by the university, one study shows that symptoms of depression are diminished when students increase their instant messaging and email interaction. The same must be true of text messaging.

According to a student study conducted by Notre Dame linguistic anthropology professor Susan Blum, students prefer instant messaging over email or letter correspondence, but surprisingly prefer it even over phone conversations. IM and texting allow a young person to have numerous conversations over a short period of time and while doing other things. According to Blum, students are reveling in a world filled with quick exchanges which make them happy.

It is clear that texting and other computer interactions alleviate the ennui that contributes to feelings of meaningless, disassociation, and depression. This is a positive side to all those little fingers flying across the keyboards of cell phones and laptops. I am left wondering , though, what is happening to the teens without a computer or cell phone, or the ones hopelessly checking to see if even one new message has come through?

For more information on Dr. Blum's report, see www.nd.edu/~sblum/InstantMessaging.pdf

Born in the USA!

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The 4Th of July. One of America's favorite holidays. The birth of our country. Life, liberty and the freedom to pursue happiness. We the people......"Let Freedom Ring." On Friday we will celebrate our country's birthday with family and friends. Watermelons, hamburgers, sunburns and fireworks signify Independence Day for most Americans. It's a holiday that does not involve shopping, complicated baking or extensive decorating. It's just being together with people we love and doing all those wonderful summery things.

Another popular tradition is to display the Stars and Stripes. The American flag is probably the most recognizable metaphor for the United States of America and all she stands for. The flag is a symbol of the sacrifice and service of a few for the freedom and privileges of many. She should wave properly and with reverence. Our children should learn flag etiquette early and be reminded often of it's significance.

Here are some tips to make sure your tribute is a respectful one:
Display the flag only between sunrise and sunset on buildings and stationary flagstaffs. The flag may be displayed for twenty-four hours if illuminated in darkness.
Do not display the flag in inclement weather.
Whether displaying the flag vertically or horizontally, make sure the canton of stars is visible on the upper left-hand side.
Do not let the flag touch the ground.
An unusable flag that is damaged and worn should be destroyed in a dignified way by burning.
When not on display, the flag should be respectfully folded into a triangle, symbolizing the tricorn hats worn by colonial soldiers in the Revolutionary War.

Flag Facts
*Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag. It is not clear who actually designed it, but the experts at the Betsy Ross House suggest it was Francis Hopkinson, a New Jersey delegate to the Continental Congress and a signer of the Declaration of Independence.
*The flag has 13 stripes representing the original 13 colonies (7 red and 6 white).
* In the upper left corner is a navy blue field with 50 white stars that represents the states.
*It is interesting that there is no official designation or meaning for the colors of the flag. There is no record stating why red, white, and blue where chosen for the flag. However, when the Great Seal of the United States was chosen the colors were designated as white for purity and innocence, red for valor and hardiness and blue for vigilance, perseverance, and justice.
(Folktales says that George Washington interpreted the flag in this way: the stars were taken from the sky, the red from the British colors,and the white stripes signified the secession from the home country.)
*If the flag is flown upside down it signals distress. It means "I need help, I'm in trouble" .
*Worn out flags are destroyed, usually by burning.
*When flown at half-staff, the flag is raised to the top of the flag pole then lowered to half-staff. *When taken down, the flag is again raised to the top and then brought down.
*The flag should never touch the ground, the floor, or water.

Have a wonderful holiday from Mel and me! Happy 4th of July!

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Facebook Hope for Civilization

Did you read the article in the Muskogee Phoenix today entitled Facebook fixes grammar (Monday, June 30, 2007)? The story came over the AP wire (click on highlighted link to read AP story) and has made a small ripple in the world that could have major literacy impact for future generations of text messagers and Facebook savvy young people everywhere.

For a couple of years now educators have been a voice crying in the desert about the spelling and grammar ability of today's teens, undercut by the informal writing used in text messaging and other digital communication. Shortcut slang spelling and grammar have debilitated many teens' ability or willingness to use grammatically correct English, a very bad habit that quickly takes over like kudzu. It has even been theorized that writing a term paper in text messaging could be the only way to reach some teens.

But, now Facebook itself is coming to the rescue of teen communication woes by instituting, of all things, grammar rules! The major obstacle in Facebook's opinion is the use of "their" for the singular he/she, a rule many of us abuse in our colloquial speaking. Evidently, as Facebook expands out to other languages, the plural forms must agree with the gender of the speaker, making "their" a non-option.

Well, let's face it, other languages are more specific than English, but this is a major coup for civilization at large. It may mean that literacy can be saved, that one's Turabian guide to grammar is not defunct, and that the MLA or APA rules for research paper documentation will survive the digital age after all. It means that order will prevail over chaos.

This Facebook realization that pronouns and nouns must agree in gender signals hope for American literacy. It lends veracity to high school English teachers everywhere who can now say to those teens wondering how or why they would ever have to know subject/verb agreement, "Because you even have to use it on Facebook, that's why." Now that's the ultimate connection between learning and relevancy. Way to go, Facebook.

Talking to Teens About Death

Death is a topic that makes most people uneasy, probably because it reminds us that it will happen to us one day. The ancient Romans called those little reminders of death memento mori, mosaics of skulls always reminding us to seize the day.

A young person's first acquaintance with death is usually a grandparent's passing, often in the teen years. Death invokes a multitude of feelings in teenagers, often triggering the flight response, denial, or other more serious emotional reactions.

Talking to teens and young adults about death is never easy. Their solution is often to hurry up and get to the next party, so they won't have to think about it. But, talking teens through these difficult times will help them become adept at dealing with death, a skill that is so necessary given the fact that everyone we know will die one day.

Many people wonder if they should make their teen visit a dying relative. That is a personal decision, but I would generally say that if the teen is very young, you might want to avoid that, especially depending on the condition of the loved one, e.g. the person is in dire pain. For older teens, I always think there are no do-overs on death. Regret at not saying goodbye because of cowardice or fear is often a source of other emotions later, such as guilt. No regrets is the best exit strategy any of us can hope for, but don't force your child into a traumatic situation.

The NEMOURS Foundation I mentioned in my last post has a section on discussing all kinds of death with teens. (click on highlighted link to view it) Teens are excitable and it is difficult to predict how they will react to the death of a grandparent, parent, friend, or classmate. Sometimes even the death of a mere acquaintance is difficult for them to deal with and the circumstances can aggravate their ability to handle the situation. Schools have developed very good counseling programs for helping students deal with the death of a classmate (or any death with which a student may be struggling) and make their services available to students.

The University of Tennessee has a very good guide for parents and caretakers of young people. Among the topics is a comparison of questions children ask about death as opposed to those teens ask. A child will ask if the death is his/her fault or if he/she is going to die too. A teen may ask why he/she can't feel anything or if it is still okay to have fun without feeling guilty. (click on the above highlighted link to be taken directly there) An important thing to watch for are signs of depression and grieving that goes on too long.

Our children will be looking to us to understand how to deal with death. The best we can do is understand our own feelings about it and act out of love and wisdom. Celebrating life whenever possible can help put balance and perspective into death. Maybe the ancient Romans had something there - carpe diem.

A Good Thing To Know

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I had the opportunity last week to take a CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) refresher course. I was horrified that the last time I had taken CPR was at least 26 years ago. Luckily, no situation has required I remember the emergency procedures. Procedures, I might add, that were learned at a building that no longer exists and a method that no longer is recommended by the Red Cross. The last time I took CPR, we all took turns giving mouth to mouth on our dummies with no thought to the infamous "body fluids". My how times have changed.

The practice dolls are the same but one now uses a plastic shield that is between the dummy's mouth and the student's. It is advised to carry one on your key chain should a CPR emergency arise. Those around me all agreed locating the protective shield would probably not be first on our To-Do list if someone was not breathing and turning blue. Our instructor did reiterate that communicable diseases are rarely transmitted through saliva but the shield was recommended if time permitted.

The smallest doll was sobering. Not that I wasn't concerned when my own children were small, but somehow imagining my grandchildren in an emergency situation was terrifying. All of a sudden swimming pools, dinnertime and electrical appliances became objects of concern. Learning the methods for both Infant CPR and Infant Choking was a good thing. Reviewing all the Red Cross Emergency procedures is an even better thing.

What follows is a very brief overview of emergency procedures. It is not a substitute for training by a certified Red Cross CPR instructor. Body positions, methods and location and applications are best learned visually. A CPR class at your local Red Cross would be a great use of vacation time for you and your teen. Just like smoke alarms, CPR is something you hope you will never use but always be glad you have.

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1. CHECK
CHECK THE SCENE FOR SAFETY , then
CHECK THE PERSON FOR CONSCIOUSNESS
Get permission to give care
Tap shoulder and shout, "Are you okay?"

2. CALL
IF NO RESPONSE, CALL 911 or have someone else call
IF YOU ARE ALONE AND CARING FOR AN INFANT OR CHILD-
And you witnessed the child suddenly collapse CALL 911
If you did not see the child or infant suddenly collapse, give 2 minutes of CARE and then
call 911.

3. CARE
OPEN THE AIRWAY (tilt the head back and lift the chin)
CHECK FOR SIGNS OF LIFE (movement and breathing) for no
more than 10 seconds
IF NO BREATHING, give 2 rescue breaths and begin CPR
IF BREATHING NORMALLY, roll onto one side while waiting for help to arrive.

IF NO SIGNS OF LIFE, GIVE CPR

INFANT CPR
Give cycles of 30 chest compressions and 2 rescue breaths -

ADULT AND CHILD CPR
Give cycles of 30 chest compressions and 2 rescue breaths

CONTINUE CPR UNTIL
Scene becomes unsafe
You find an obvious sign of life
AED is ready to use
You are too exhausted to continue
Trained responder arrives and takes over

CHOKING
IF coughing, encourage person to continue coughing
Send someone to call 911
Get permission to give care

INFANT
If infant cannot cough, cry or breathe
Putting infant face down toward your knee, supporting with arm, give 5 back blows
If the object is not thrust out, turn infant, supporting head with hand and back with arm-
give 5 chest thrusts, using two fingers.

ADULT AND CHILD CHOKING
IF adult or child cannot talk, cough or breathe-
Bend victim over at waist, give 5 back blows
If the object is not forced out, give 5 quick, upward abdominal thrusts
Continue sets of back blows and chest or abdominal thrusts until-
*object is forced out
*Person can breathe or cough forcefully
*Person becomes unconscious. Perform CPR. Between giving 30 compressions and 2 breaths, look for an object and and remove if one is seen.

Note: The universal sign for choking is both hands around the throat, palms open.

American Red Cross first aid, CPR and AED training can give you the skills and confidence to act in an emergency. Call your local chapter or go to www.redcross.org for more information.

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