Talking to Teens About Death

Death is a topic that makes most people uneasy, probably because it reminds us that it will happen to us one day. The ancient Romans called those little reminders of death memento mori, mosaics of skulls always reminding us to seize the day.

A young person's first acquaintance with death is usually a grandparent's passing, often in the teen years. Death invokes a multitude of feelings in teenagers, often triggering the flight response, denial, or other more serious emotional reactions.

Talking to teens and young adults about death is never easy. Their solution is often to hurry up and get to the next party, so they won't have to think about it. But, talking teens through these difficult times will help them become adept at dealing with death, a skill that is so necessary given the fact that everyone we know will die one day.

Many people wonder if they should make their teen visit a dying relative. That is a personal decision, but I would generally say that if the teen is very young, you might want to avoid that, especially depending on the condition of the loved one, e.g. the person is in dire pain. For older teens, I always think there are no do-overs on death. Regret at not saying goodbye because of cowardice or fear is often a source of other emotions later, such as guilt. No regrets is the best exit strategy any of us can hope for, but don't force your child into a traumatic situation.

The NEMOURS Foundation I mentioned in my last post has a section on discussing all kinds of death with teens. (click on highlighted link to view it) Teens are excitable and it is difficult to predict how they will react to the death of a grandparent, parent, friend, or classmate. Sometimes even the death of a mere acquaintance is difficult for them to deal with and the circumstances can aggravate their ability to handle the situation. Schools have developed very good counseling programs for helping students deal with the death of a classmate (or any death with which a student may be struggling) and make their services available to students.

The University of Tennessee has a very good guide for parents and caretakers of young people. Among the topics is a comparison of questions children ask about death as opposed to those teens ask. A child will ask if the death is his/her fault or if he/she is going to die too. A teen may ask why he/she can't feel anything or if it is still okay to have fun without feeling guilty. (click on the above highlighted link to be taken directly there) An important thing to watch for are signs of depression and grieving that goes on too long.

Our children will be looking to us to understand how to deal with death. The best we can do is understand our own feelings about it and act out of love and wisdom. Celebrating life whenever possible can help put balance and perspective into death. Maybe the ancient Romans had something there - carpe diem.