Just Perfect

Have you seen the musical, Little Shop of Horrors?  It's about about a nerdy florist named Seymour who raises a house plant named Audrey that feeds on human blood. When Seymour accidentally pricks his finger, he discovers that Audrey needs blood to survive. What Seymour doesn't know is that the more blood Audrey receives, the larger and more demanding she would become.
As the musical progresses, Audrey grows into a deep-voiced, obnoxious, palm-sized plant which screams, "Feeeeed me!" A few drops of blood from Seymour's fingers couldn't sustain Audrey any longer, so she eats him.
Having a perfectionist child can be a lot like dealing with Audrey. Without realizing it, parents can encourage idealistic tendencies in their children by "feeding" their perfectionism. The result can be a child that grows out of control, and, like Audrey, is very demanding.

Shanna Shutte, a contributor to Focus on the Family offers five ways to tame the perfectionism in your child and recover your sanity. (It's interesting. She finds birth order has a lot to do with perfectionist tendencies in children.  Is your first born a perfectionist?)

Parenting Perfectionist Kids

Don't feed perfectionism

Perfectionism grows when it's encouraged. If your perfectionist daughter will not eat dinner because it's not arranged the "right" way on her plate, let her know that she'll either eat it as it's served or she won't eat at all. To a permissive parent, this may sound mean. But by not bending to your child's demands, you keep from being controlled by her. And you won't be so wiped out at the end of the day from being pushed around by a perfectionist kid.
If your child throws a temper tantrum because her shoes are the wrong color and don't match her dress, don't feed her perfectionism by cajoling her or reasoning with her. Instead, step over her as she is wailing, and go on with what you were doing. She'll learn that to function in life, she has to bend — a skill that all successful and confident people need.

Recognize a firstborn's tendency to be a perfectionist

Dr. Kevin Leman, author of a number of excellent parenting books including Have a New Kid by Friday, says that firstborn children are often perfectionists because parents tend to treat their firstborns differently from their latter-born children. You may have heard the joke that a mother sterilizes every pacifier for her first born. But by the time the same mother is on child number three, if the pacifier falls into the dirt, mom brushes it off and sticks it back in her child's mouth. Naturally, because parents are more structured with their firstborns, those children generally desire more structure.
In a conversation with MSNBC, Dr. Leman said, ". . . children are like wet cement. It's true that they are much more moldable in the first six or seven years of life. It's one of the few things you'll get psychologists and psychiatrists to agree on. You are not going to change the perfectionistic nature of a driven firstborn. But you know, you might round off the edges."¹
The good news is that many CEOs and presidents of companies are firstborns. It's no wonder. If they were in charge at home over younger siblings, it's a no-brainer for them to be in charge at work.

Take a personal inventory

If you are a firstborn, you'll need to do the best you can to "round off your own perfectionistic edges" if you want to help your kids become more flexible. Amy, a firstborn mother of two small children says that she often wondered why her firstborn child was so picky about the smallest things. Then she learned about Dr. Leman's analysis of firstborns and realized that her child was demonstrating what she herself had modeled. Not surprisingly, a perfectionist child and a perfectionist parent will butt heads because when each doesn't have their own agenda met, there will be fireworks.
If you suspect that you struggle with perfectionism, ask yourself if less than perfect is OK in some instances. Is it OK for you not to feel in control if your child doesn't pick up every toy before she goes to bed at night? Is it all right if she misses her back teeth when she is brushing now and then?
When you can embrace your own imperfection, your child will realize that less than perfect is acceptable. This will help her develop into a secure, confident and flexible adult. If you struggle with extreme perfectionism, remember that there are trained counselors who can help you with your challenges.

Use humor

There is nothing like a little humor to lighten a tense moment. When your perfectionist child feels like life is falling apart, a little joking, teasing or acting silly will send a strong message to your kid: Imperfection is not the end of the world.
Granted, it can be a challenge sometimes to find the light side of something that seems like a disaster, but it can be done. Additionally, when you can laugh at your own mistakes, your child will learn to laugh at his, too.

Tell a story from your own experience

In moments when humor is not appropriate, you can tell a hopeful story from your own experience to encourage your son or daughter. When Robert's son Mark was angry at himself because he missed a free throw that caused his team to lose a basketball game, Robert pulled a story from his past out to share with his son. He talked about the time when he missed a touchdown pass in overtime. He was also able to tell Mark that by the next game his team had forgotten what happened, and he did much better.
Story telling about your own experiences can help you bond with you child, but it can also help your son or daughter see that survival is possible after failure.
Shutte has some great points and also some practical advice.  By tempering your own perfectionism, you can help your child temper their own.   And by, "Rounding off" the perfectionist edges in your child- will help him become more successful and secure in his mistakes. chrissie

Can I Have the Keys?

 Do you have a teen who is getting ready to drive? If so, does the idea of handing the keys over to your teen terrify you?  What follows is a test to determine how safe a driver your eager sixteen-year-old is.  Its a nice way to evaluate how your family is addressing the issue.  The premise? Driving should not just be a given.  It should be a an earned privilege. Parenting with Love and Logic's Dr Charles Fay offers the simple quiz and then, the rationale behind each question.

Too many of our children are injured or killed as they drive on America's roads.
Last year more than 3,500 teenage drivers were killed and 344,000 were injured in accidents, according to the National Highway and Transportation Safety Administration. Have you ever wondered how safe a driver your teenager really is? Take the following test to see if your child is safe behind the wheel:

My teen paid for at least half of the cost of his/her vehicle and insurance.	True	False
My teen uses my car and has made a deposit into my savings account equal to the insurance deductible.	True	False
My teen is respectful and follows the rules of our home and his/her school.	True	False
My teen handles frustrations well. He/she does not lose his/her temper easily.	True	False

If you answered "False" to one or more of these questions, your teenager may not be as safe a driver as you thought. The good news is that it isn't too late to take three steps that may save his or her life — and the lives of others.

Life-Saver #1
Make sure your child makes a meaningful financial contribution to his or her driving privilege.
Kids take much better care of their cars — and drive much more carefully — when they have spent a significant amount of their own money purchasing them or paying for insurance. Using an appropriate amount of empathy, a parent might say:
Feel free to drive when you have enough money to pay for at least half of your own car and half of your insurance.
Feel free to use the family car when we don't need it and you've made a deposit into our savings account equal to the insurance deductible.
Life-Saver #2
Make it possible for your teen to drive only when you know he or she respects the rules at home and at school.
If teenagers do not respect their family or school rules, what are the chances they will respect the rules of the road? Parents need to say:
When I know that you are ready to follow rules at home and at school, then I'll feel more comfortable that you will follow them out on the road. Then it will be time for you to drive.
Life Saver #3
Before driving, your teen must show he or she can handle frustration without losing his/her temper.
Kids who easily lose their tempers at home are sure to lose them behind the wheel and become part of the "road rage" epidemic. With this type of child, a parent can say (without using any sarcasm):
When I know that you handle your frustrations without throwing a fit, I will know you are ready to handle the frustrations of driving without doing something you will be sorry for later.

Love and Logic is designed to help parents raise responsible kids who are prepared to make smart choices about serious issues. Parents around the world are applying these practical strategies and finding they sleep much easier at night. 

Sleep Easier?  With a teen out and about driving, that would be a welcome outcome.  Chrissie

Walking the Walk

 My husband, Warren, grew up in College Station, Texas. One of his friends from A and M Consolidated High School is Joe White.  Joe's Father and Mother founded Kanakuk Kamps, based out of Branson., Missouri.  Kanakuk is a Christian based, sports focused camp- it's message being- I am third.  God First.  Family Second. Me, third. Joe is not only executive director but a motivational speaker all over North America.  What follows is his observations about relating to your teen. It is practical, easy and full of common sense advice.  Some of the best "doable" lesson plans to stay in touch with your precious child. 

An old Ozark Mountain "hillbilly" friend shared some wisdom with my dad a few years ago: "The older I get, the less I know for sure!" That's how I felt when I was raising my teen girls. I couldn't figure out the intricacies of dad-and-daughter psychology. But I worked and prayed and cried over it more than I care to remember!
Don't get me wrong: My daughters were my pride and joy, and I tried every way I could to be the perfect dad. But, man, how many times I failed! I was clumsy and always seemed to be "say­ing it wrong." I give God and their mom all the credit for the amazing, godly young ladies they were and are today.
During those turbulent and often disillusioning days, all I knew to do was spend time with my girls. Fortunately, that turned out to be the key to the relationship I wanted so badly.
My connecting point with daughter Courtney was on her early morning jogs. She wanted to run three to six miles at 6:15 A.M., so we hit the pavement together. I had to follow her rules, though:

1. We ran at her pace.
2. She did all the talking.
3. I did all the listening.

When I tried to change the pace (a mistake I only made once) or tried to give unsolicited advice (probably more than once), I was quickly corrected and reminded of "the rules."
I still look back on those early morning "joggers" as some of the most important hours I'll ever spend in my life. That's when I learned how vital it is to walk (or run) alongside our teens.

Walking the Walk

We parents of teens are called to leave our paths and get on theirs. Why? To be sure they aren't alone. To encourage them through the thickets and storms. To rejoice when there's something to rejoice about.
When we walk alongside our teens, we usually need to follow their rules. We're there to do what they want to do. We're choos­ing to actively participate in their world. It might mean joining a neighborhood softball team, or trying out for a community or church theater production, or shooting hoops every night after work, or chaperoning a field trip to a french fry factory.
The fun of doing something together can fill your scrapbook with pages of the best times of these all-too-brief child-raising years. Remember — the days can seem long, but the years are short.
Walking alongside happens when we step into our teens' shoes and see life from their perspective. We don't do it once a year; we do it often.
But where do you begin? How do you walk alongside a kid who may not even like the idea? We'll explore this throughout this article series.
1. Find out what he loves to do. Then do it with him, rather than just cheering him on from the stands. Sometimes what he loves will be obvious, but sometimes it may surprise you both. That was the case with my son Brady, who wanted to be a basketball player. But the pressure of basketball was brutal. I saw potential for something else: music. That didn't come naturally for either my wife or me; she'd gotten kicked out of choir in sixth grade, and the same happened to me in my junior year of high school.
"Brady," I said, "look at those hands of yours. You've got the most beautiful fingers. I can see those on a keyboard. I can see them running up and down the frets of a guitar."
"Well, I'm not interested in music," he replied.
But by the time he was a college freshman, Brady wanted a guitar.
Today he's recording his third album, writing great lyrics and making beautiful music. He sings all over the country; we do youth crusades together. And if you think it's helped our relation­ship, you're right.
2. Make the most of summer. Walking alongside should happen all year, but the best season for growing with your teen is summer. Before school lets out, get a calendar and note how many days you have until fall classes begin. Find a block of time each day when you can put your priorities, work, hobbies, and worries aside and be there 100 percent for your teen. Plan together what you can do — fishing, camping, shopping, grilling, tennis, whatever your teen would enjoy.
3. Take a wild adventure together. Recently my wife took our grandson on a one-day canoe trip down the beautiful Buffalo River in northwest Arkansas. It was gorgeous, safe, and surprisingly inexpensive (canoes rented for just $20 a day). Another family I know hikes in the Rocky Mountains every year.
4. Ask what your teen has never done but would like to try. Go try it together. Learn something new. Go with an open mind and a sense of humor — like the lady who, when learning to ski, told everyone that the only rule for the day was to laugh whenever she fell. Look for classes in a foreign language, dance, art, computer software. Take piano or guitar lessons. Sign up for a sports clinic.
5. Serve the needy together. Homeless shelters, the Salvation Army, soup kitchens, food banks, convalescent homes, tutoring — the list of volunteer opportunities never gets shorter. One father-son duo did painting and simple repairs at a home for troubled teens, then painted playground equipment for a school in a poor neighborhood. My oldest daughter and I went on a one-week mission trip to Trinidad when she was 13, and it was the best thing we've ever done together. We found common goals, common ground, and made memories that helped us through the most difficult years of our relationship.
6. Find out what your teen dreads doing. Ask whether she wants your help with that PowerPoint project about bacteria or that awkward phone call to a friend whose sister just passed away. What kind of assistance does she want? Remember to follow her rules — for example, letting her be the boss about where things go when you help clean her room.
7. Walk alongside your teen spiritually. You can connect to your teen and connect your teen to God by praying and reading and memorizing Scripture with your teen daily.
Just 10 minutes a day can give your relationship an "eternal touch." School may get what's in the middle, but I was deter­mined to "bookend" my kids' days with a short devotion at the breakfast table and a Bible-and-prayer time before bed.
Three of my four kids really liked our twice-daily times together. I never forced my kids to be part of them; we only had those times when I was welcome. For the uninterested teen, I was like an old, faithful dog — ready in the corner, but not pushy. This old dog didn't jump on the reluctant child every time she came through the door, saying, "Let's talk, let's have a devotional." I was just available.
This should be "sanctuary time," a safe place in today's uncer­tain world. Don't use it for lecturing, criticism, or manipulating your teen with God's Word. With those ground rules, your teen can look forward to spending time with you.
My advice is to ditch the word "devotional," too. It's not Sun­day school; it's your set-apart time, your quiet time, your sanctuary.
8. Bring your teen into your world. When I ran errands, I'd invite one of my teens to come along. If I was speaking at a youth rally, there was a place for my kids on the team coordinating the event. When my teens came home from a party or a date, I invited them to "debrief" over a bowl of cereal with me.
9. Discover your teen's dreams. There's a dream inside every young person, as sure as there's a yolk inside every chicken's egg. Help your teen identify his strengths and work together toward realizing his dream. My book Wired by God is one tool that can help you do that. Guide your teen in setting his own goals; then investigate ways for him to gain skill and experience.
In our family, Courtney enjoyed gymnastics and volleyball; Brady was into guitar and basketball; Cooper liked weight train­ing and football; Jamie pursued cheerleading. I was the lucky guy who got to catch passes, spot flips, and cheer like crazy. Listening to saxophone practice and retrieving tens of thousands of basket­ball shots helped build foundations for friendships with my kids that I enjoy as an "old guy" today.
10. Remember that the relationship is everything. During those crazy teen years, my relationship with my kids was top priority. The media were telling them to have fun through sex, drugs and alcohol; peers were telling them that par­ents were no longer relevant. I wanted to earn a hearing by being the person my kids loved hanging out with the most.
No matter how you decide to walk alongside your teen, remember that it's not a chore. It's not a competition, either. The goal is to learn about your teen, to have fun, to encourage, to do some servant-hearted foot-washing.
 

Walking alongside your teen is a gift.  Be sure to unwrap the package. Chrissie

Words from the Wise

 In the years I have been writing The Care and Feeding of Teenagers, I have often relied on others.  Others who are far more educated and wiser than me.  One favorite expert has been Sue Blaney, author and blogger-Please Stop the Roller Coaster.  What follows is her last "two minute" tips for raising Tweens and Teens. Check her archives for lots of good advice.  Happy March. chrissie

This is my last 2 Minute Tip. As I have told you, I will be shutting down this website before the end of 2012. As I prepare to say goodbye, I have been reflecting on my experiences in parenting and in what I have learned from working with so many of you across the country over the past 10 years.
I don’t need to tell you that this is a dynamic time in your family’s life…you know that. Over the years I have observed something I want to share with you: that there are times even the most educated and professionally successful parents feel challenged to their core. While watching your teenagers develop and grow is exciting and fun, it can also be a time filled with contradictions, confusion and mixed messages. I remember the time I had a Nobel prize winner in one of my workshops – his 14 year old daughter had virtually brought him to his knees! There are many parents whose confidence gets severely tested as they raise their teenagers.

For that reason, the single most important thing I believe you can do is to reach out and connect with other parents. There is so much to learn from one another, and so many benefits from sharing your journey. That was why I started working in this field, to help connect parents in safe and helpful ways.

Here is a short list of 10 suggestions I’d like to leave you with in this final 2 Minute Tip. This is “what I know now” about parenting teenagers:
1. Have faith. The odds are really good that things will work out just fine.
2. Believe in your teen’s goodness.
3. Know something about adolescent development so your expectations are age appropriate and realistic.
4. Understand that teens still have a lot of growing up to do after high school. Don’t expect your high school student to think or act like an adult.
5. Be mindful of what you are bringing to the family dynamic. You can be part of the problem or part of the solution.
6. Sometimes parenting requires you to swallow your pride.
7. Try really hard not to judge other parents, kids and families.
8. If you feel yourself suffering from fear and worry you need to objectively assess what is happening. Are you over-reacting? How serious is the situation? Would you benefit from outside help? Getting professional help is never a sign of weakness, there are times it is exactly the right thing to do.
9. Never worry alone.
10. More than anything, focus on your relationship with your teen…

• Tune in to his/her feelings,
• Listen more than you speak
• Express your love [in ways that are comfortable for your teen],
• Spend time having fun together,
• Make sure he/she knows you are always in his court,
• Let your teenager know you don’t expect perfection,
• Make it clear that you care about a lot more than his grades and academic success.

It has been my privilege walking along beside you as you raise your teenagers. Thank you for allowing me into your life. Here’s to a great future for you and your family!
I’m leaving you with links to a couple of favorite items…

• the Parents’ Action Tool is a one page download of an item parents have found very  helpful,
• “What I Know Now: An Open Letter to My Recent Teens” may be the most popular post I have written, and I have closed every talk with it. If you haven’t read this, don’t miss it.

Thank you again….and God Bless.
Download the Parents’ Action Tool:

Who Am I?

During adolescence, teens develop their identity, their sense of self. Answering the question, 'Who am I?' is one of the biggest tasks of the adolescent years. The dictionary  defines identity as, 'the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time.'  Note that the definition says a sense of self.   Your teen's identity is entirely dependent on how he/she sees him/her self, not how we or others see him/her.

A strong identity is something parents should strive to help their teens attain. Young adults who have a strong sense of self are resilient, have a healthy self esteem and are growing independent.  How can a parent help their teen to develop a strong sense of identity?  Education.com(P.C. Broderick/P. Blewitt)  offers some good insight.

Psychologically, all adolescents need room to grow and safe places to test their newly emerging selves. Using knowledge of the processes of exploration and commitment as a framework, parents can start the assessment process by considering how their adolescent is going about meeting her needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence. The ways in which adolescents try to meet each of these needs will look very different at age 14 than they did at age 8. Some teenage behaviors seem strange and annoying, but they might not be dangerous. In other cases when alternatives may be lacking, teenagers might try to meet their fundamental needs in ways that are potentially harmful. Helping adolescents find healthy and developmentally appropriate routes for expressing independence, for feeling part of a social group, and for experiencing satisfaction in accomplishment provides a sound basis for helping.


 The teenage years are a time of active exploration. Striving to make early college decisions or committing to a career path while in high school may be developmentally inappropriate goals for many adolescents who lack the life experience necessary to make personally meaningful choices. Although teenagers who make these decisions may appear mature to observers and may establish themselves as role models for their peers, their behavior may actually reflect a pseudo-maturity that is more akin to premature foreclosure in certain domains, such as vocational identity- ie jobs or careers.
A certain amount of egocentrism appears to go with the adolescent territory. It is often quite a bit easier for parents and other adults to respond authoritatively, with love and limits, to children when they are young. Something in the nature of their open dependence makes adults feel needed, valued, and important. The task often gets harder during the teenage years, at least in cultures and families that value independence and opportunities for personal expression. Being an adult authority figure in your teen's life may entail some hard times, when love and patience are put to the test. Sometimes adolescents’ self-absorption seems impenetrable. In what may mirror adolescents’ own sense of separateness, adults also can feel isolated.

Its so frustrating. Watching teenagers struggle with the problems of adolescence is painful, particularly when they behave egocentrically, when they are emotionally volatile, when they act as if they do not want or need our help, or when they actively rebel against the limits we have set. In some especially difficult situations, teenagers have managed to convince the adults around them that they are their equals and that they are entitled to wield much of the power. Sound familiar?  Some of us are inclined to avoid the grueling job of limit setter and enforcer because they may feel worn down, may have their own personal struggles to contend with, or may simply not know what to do. Sometimes parents take their cues, despite their better judgment, from other teenagers’ more permissive families. Adults who are responsible for adolescents need to be committed to authoritative practices for the long haul. Despite their protestations, the last thing adolescents need is for parents, teachers, or counselors to disengage from them or abdicate their authoritative role. Sometimes, "Because I said so," is the best answer of all  .chrissie

Don't Forget the Conversations Hearts

 

Teenagers don't always exude warm and fuzzy feelings typically felt on Valentine's Day. It is still very important to show your teen  that she is loved and appreciated. Deep down every teen wants to get a gift on this holiday - even if it is from mom or dad. Buy your teenager a gift they will love and use, and he won't think Valentine's Day is lame after all.

Gift of Music

• If your teen doesn't already own an iPod or other MP3 player, buy him one for Valentine's Day. Apple allows you to engrave a special message on the back of the iPod if you so choose. If your teen already has an iPod or MP3 player, buy him an iTunes or Amazon gift card so that he can download the music, movies, or other media of their choice. Docking stations, cool cases, and other accessories are also great gift ideas if your teen loves music and his portable music player.
  

Anti-Valentine's Day Gear

• Many teens are openly "anti-Valentine's Day". Buy your teenager a T-shirt, hat, coffee 
   mug, or set of ink pens that openly denounces this "overly commercialized" holiday. Your teen will be happy because she will think you finally understand her. Stores such as Hot Topic, Spencer's, and online retailers such as CafePress typically carry anti-Valentine's day objects during the appropriate season.
  
  

  New Cell Phone

  • Is your teen complaining about his "ancient" cell phone that he's had "forever"? If so, buy your teen a new cell phone that features a multimedia package that allows him to surf the Internet. Texting, Twittering, and looking at MySpace and FaceBook will be possible at the touch of a button in the palm of his hands. This Valentine's Day gift will leave you cool in his book.
    

  Car Magnets

  • Teenagers love to decorate their cars. Many teens resort to using shoe polish on the windows to write out messages and show their individuality. Buy your teen a set of car magnets that will allow her endless personalization possibilities. Car magnets are a lot better than bumper stickers because they are a lot easier to remove.
    

  Night Out

  • If your teen is dating someone special, buy him a set of movie tickets and a gift card for dinner for two. Even though you might rather spend the Valentine's Day holiday with them, sometimes teens will appreciate you more for giving them space and independence. By purchasing your teen basic Valentine's Day date staples, he can spend more money purchasing a gift for his girlfriend.
    
    Thanks to EHow for the great ideas. Have a Happy Valentines Day tomorrow and keep making those memories with your teen.   chrissie
    

  
  

  
  

Look Past the Mirror

Raising Fit Kids: Healthy Nurtition, Exercise, and Weight

  This content is selected and controlled by WebMD's editorial staff in collaboration with Sanford Health Systems.

Help Teens Develop a Healthy Body Image

How do you help your teen develop and maintain a healthy body image and good self-esteem? It can be a challenge, no doubt.
Teens' bodies are growing and changing, perhaps making them self-conscious and hyper-aware of every blemish and extra pound. Teens also are constantly bombarded with idealized, often computer-enhanced, body images that are impossible to measure up to. These messages have the ability to manipulate all of us into thinking that we are too fat, too thin, too short, or too tall.
The good news is that, as a parent, you have more influence than you think to help your teen navigate this difficult time of life and develop a positive self-image, no matter their size or shape.

Both Girls and Boys Are Affected

Between glossy fashion magazines, MTV, social media, and popular movies, teenage girls can get the impression that fashion models and celebrities have perfect bodies and flawless skin. Many teenage boys compare themselves to the buff athletes and movie stars they see in magazines, the Internet, and on TV. They feel dissatisfied if their own teen bodies don't measure up.
In some cases, negative body image has been linked with depression, eating disorders, and other risky teen behaviors.
Teenage boys aren't usually as verbal about their body image issues as girls are, but that doesn't mean they don't experience them. Remember the story of the 98-pound weakling who had sand kicked in his face at the beach? On the other end, boys who are overweight often endure social isolation and even bullying in middle and high school. Boys also suffer from eating disorders, though parents and doctors may overlook them, even if they are alert to such problems in girls.
If you believe your teen may be struggling with low self-esteem or body image issues, what can you do? Here are some simple steps. Of course, if you notice dramatic changes in your teen's weight or eating habits, touch base with a health care provider.

Teens, Body Image, and Self-Esteem: 5 Tips for Parents

1. Be a good role model. Your teen does notice.
Your teen is closely observing your lifestyle, eating habits, and attitudes about issues like appearance and weight, even if she seems to cringe every time you speak. Pay attention to the example you are setting, and make changes if you don't like what you see. Looking at yourself through your children's eyes can be a great motivator to begin an exercise program, adopt a healthier diet, or turn off the television and get moving instead.
Remember, your child will also model your attitudes about your body. So if you're constantly decrying your hip size or thinning hair, your child will learn to focus on her flaws instead of her attributes.
2. Be positive.
Never make critical remarks about your teen's body. If she has a weight problem, you can be sure she's aware of it. Your negative remarks will only make her feel more discouraged and could make the problem worse.
Instead, compliment your teen. Tell her what a pretty smile she has, or how that shirt makes his eyes shine. When you appreciate their physical capabilities -- "Thanks for opening that jar for me" or "You folded that laundry so fast!" -- you are building a positive body image. Help your teen make the most of his or her attributes by encouraging good personal hygiene and posture, healthy sleep habits, and stress reduction.
When your teen is sitting on the couch, suggest you to go out for a walk or run together or head to the gym. There is evidence that girls who participate in athletics have healthier body images and higher self-esteem than those who do not. Research has also found that girls who participate in athletics have lower rates of depression, teen pregnancy, and other risky teen behavior.
If you feel you need more help, talk to your teen's school counselor or consult her health care provider and work together to come up with a nutrition and exercise plan.
3. Teach your teen about media.
Don't let your daughter be a fashion victim or your son become obsessed with being muscle-bound. Help him or her develop a healthy skepticism about images in magazines, on screen, and on the web. Make sure your teen understands the airbrushing, photo manipulation, stylists, personal trainers, cosmetic surgery, and other tricks that make up the beauty industry and celebrity culture. Guide your teen to decode advertising messages that link products with personal fulfillment.

4. Emphasize other qualities over appearance.
Support your teen to develop talents and skills that have nothing to do with appearance -- like music, sports, arts, and volunteer activities. Show an interest in his or her passions and pursuits. Acknowledge the good things you love about them, such as how they can make you laugh or their dedication to schoolwork or the way they look out for their younger siblings. Focus on health over appearance whenever possible.
While it's important to have a positive body image, make sure it doesn't go too far. For example, in their quest for the perfect six-pack, some teenage boys exercise to an extreme, try to bulk up by using vitamins and supplements, or experiment with steroids. Watch for any dramatic changes in your teen's eating habits or weight, and consult his doctor if you have concerns.
5. Make good health a family affair.
Your entire family will be healthier if you avoid fast food, keep junk food out of the house, cook nutritious meals, and get active. But you don't have to do it all at once to make a difference. Just one small change can start building your and your teen's confidence and help you work toward bigger goals. And having other family members sharing in these new behaviors will make your teen feel 

Try scheduling a regular family meal as a good first step. Studies have shown that having them can reduce the risk of obesity in children, so start a nightly family dinner ritual if you don't do that already.
Then, instead of turning on the TV after dinner, suggest a family walk. You could also offer to join a gym and go with your teen. It's OK to start out slowly, maybe being more active once a week, and then walk or workout more often over time. If you make a healthy lifestyle part of your family culture, your child will develop good habits to last a lifetime.