Blow Out the Candles

My grand-daughter is turning nine-years- old Thursday.  It does not seem possible. Wasn't it yesterday she was having princess birthdays with fluffy costumes, abundant glitter and bejeweled tiaras?

This year, Annebelle asked for a Puppy Party.  A family friend is very active in the Tahlequah Humane Society.  He brought crates full of adoptable puppies and the girls followed clues to find the dogs.  It was great fun, the pups got some hands on TLC and the shelter got lots of great donations. The birthday girl asked for gifts and money for the SPCA, in lieu of birthday presents. She is growing up to be a compassionate and thoughtful young girl.  I am very proud of her.

If you are struggling with ways to celebrate your tweens and teens birthdays, here are a few suggestions from kids themselves.  Everyone likes to celebrate birthdays but pony rides and Pin the Tail on the Donkey just don't do it after a certain age.

The party planning, theme, and activity ideas here are adapted and paraphrased from posted comments by teen readers party articles by Suite 101 Blogger, Janienne Jennrich.

The real expert on party ideas is the teen having a birthday! If you are party planning for someone, get that teen involved (unless it is a surprise party, of course). If you are the birthday person, have fun looking over these suggestions and then plan your birthday your way!
Backyard Music and Dance Party Ideas
One teen wanted a "party in the backyard with music and dancing." Theme suggestions: Tiki party, BBQ party, or any outdoors theme, or no theme at all. Invites say, "Hey - Come Hang Out in My Backyard and Dance!" Provide great music.
A Kidnap Party Theme
One reader told us about how to have a surprise kidnap party. "The parents are in on it, but you go with your child at say 3 or 4 o'clock and knock on the door to grab your birthday guest out of bed just the way they are." (Yep - in their pajamas!)
Once everyone has been kidnapped, everyone goes out to breakfast to eat and open gifts. Parents of the guests should know about the kidnapping and party far in advance, so they could be asked to give any gifts to the birthday teen when their child is being kidnapped. This party idea sounds fun, especially for the teen years.
A 13th Birthday Sleepover
One teen turning 13 decided to have a sleepover party in a tent outside. Before that, she planned to turn her garage into a party place with balloons, streamers and music. In her own words, "We will do makeovers, and then I am hiring a professional photographer to take photos for us!" She also planned on watching scary movies and eating loads of chocolate. Sounds fun!
A Tween Slumber Party
A tween turning 12 wanted to throw a slumber party, but do something else before that, too. Cost was an issue for one idea: "I wanted to see a movie, but I have a lot of friends that I want to invite." Budget is sometimes quite a barrier. Perhaps guests could be asked to pay their own way instead of bringing a gift? Many people have pretty amazing home theaters today. Asking around might be an option.
More Tween Party Activities
One reader thought that tie-dying shirts could be fun. Great idea! This could be part of a '60s party theme, a rainbow theme, or a crafty theme.
Other activity ideas suggested by readers:

• Have a karaoke competition
• Have a Throwback Super Mario video game marathon!
• Lip sync to music with close friends
• Make a group music video and post it on YouTube
• Throw mud at each other (I don't suggest this one!) and then take funny photos (Author's note - maybe a whipped cream fight?). File this one under 'outdoor activities.'
• Have a Silly String fight. Silly String comes in spray canisters. Look at a toy store or party shop.
• Hire a DJ, rent a party tent or a hall for dancing. Add mylar balloons or balloon bouquets.
• For a laugh, rent a bounce house or bouncy castle (Try an online search for Party Rentals)
• Set up a back yard carnival with homemade games and party favor prizes
• In warmer weather, go camping, have a BBQ and a Nature Scavenger Hunt. Think bird nest, pinecone, blue jay feather......
• Have piles of newspapers and divide girls into groups.  Each group designs and constructs a haute couture fashion out of paper, duct tape and fun trims.  When completed, have a fashion show and vote for the best design.
• Supply disposable cameras! "When you develop the pictures after the party, you are sure to get a good laugh," says one teen. As an alternative, guests could bring their digital cameras.
• Spray each others hair with colored hair sprays. Make crazy hairstyles with colored hair gel.
• Try some face painting, then go shopping as a group
• Have something for guests to sign or decorate as a gift for the birthday teen. A big party banner, a party tablecloth or a poster board sign could all work. One teen said, "I got a pair of white Converse [shoes] and had my guests all sign my shoes. They look stellar and I always get compliments."

Sometimes Tweens Want to Go Crazy!!!
I love many of the suggestions that teens just want to be wild and have fun.
One 12 year-old, frustrated with 'boring' party ideas, commented that teens today are "outgoing and looking for excitement...we like truth or dare, gossiping, doing crazy things and being with boys!!" Someone else suggested that "dancing like idiots always works and gets everyone laughing." Another said "Just getting a laugh is the best. You don't have to spend any money. Go Bonkers!" One girl said "Do your hair, makeup, and go really crazy!!!!!!"
I am beginning to think that the way to make teen birthday parties really exciting is to use a lot of exclamation points!!!!!
Of course, I'm just kidding around; but just in case I am right, how about adding some to the party invitations!!!!!

Lots of good ideas. And you don't have 12 party guests all wanting to bring home the entertainment! chrissie

Proud of You.

It really happens.  The time comes.  Your children leave home.  About.com contributor, Denise Wimmer, offers some practical tips to help you raise an independent and self-reliant teen, aka young adult.

If your parenting goes as normally planned, your teen or young adult will at some point leave home and live independently. Life Skills will help your teen be independent and able to live on their own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and their parents. But it isn't easy. Older teens often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed in the world at large. Therefore, they start out at an disadvantage by not getting the confidence a person gains by learning an independent living skill and not having the ability to do the life skill. This makes the transition from a teen at home to their life as a young adult harder. Sometimes it's so hard, they come back home. If you are raising foster teens or teens in a children's home - as I have - coming back home isn't an option. With my own children, it is an option, but not one I want them to take.
You can help your teen be independent by encouraging good habits and helping them learn the life skills it takes to be independent. Here I have listed fifteen life skills your teen will need to learn in order to be successful at living independently the first time they are on their own:

1. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness
   Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for teens because every teen I've ever known has needed it. Teens who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.
2. Finding and Keeping a Job Skills
   In order to live independently, your teen will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily. Here are the skills your teen will need to have in order to find and keep jobs that contribute to a high quality of life.
3. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food
4. Health and Hygiene Skills
   In order for your teen to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your teen's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.
5. Transportation Skills Or The Ability to Get from One Place to Another
   One life skill that teens need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B. Here is a list of transportation lessons - and experiences if you can swing it - that your teen will benefit from learning now, while you are still able to help.
6. General Housekeeping Skills
7. Money Skills
8. Interpersonal Skills
9. Goal Setting and Obtaining Skills
   Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your teen will need to be a happy and successful adult.
10. Ability to Find Housing
11. Time Management Skills
    When teens learn how to use their time wisely, they not only get more tasks accomplished, they feel good about themselves and their abilities. Learn how to teach your teen personal time management skills.
12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community
13. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies
    When your team has to deal with an emergency, there will be no time for them to think. Therefore, it is imperative parents take the time to teach their teens how to deal with emergencies while they are at home– and I'm talking more than just knowing how to dial 911. Here is some advice on how to do just that.
14. Stress Management Skills
15. Personal Safety Skills

Does your teen need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your teen may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For instance, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your teen each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own.

And that's a good thing. chrissie

Na-Na-Na-Na NAA-NAA

Nothing like Oklahoma.  I am freezing.  Where is the sun?  We need the rain but......It's April for heaven's sake.  Oh yes.  I forgot where I live. As a famous little redhead sings,  "The sun will come out tomorrow." Or the next day.  I'm an Okie but really, I am ready for spring.

Saw a great column on the Huffington Post blog. I'ts from Huff Postcontributor Shelley Emling and in it, she discusses things to never say to our teens.  They are not earth shattering but certainly something to think about in our day-to-day interaction with that mystery of a child that lives in our homes.  Teenagers. chrissie

When I asked a good friend whether there's anything she regrets saying in front of her teenager, she responded "pretty much everything I've ever said."

Since I have two teenagers and one preteen myself, I know what she means. When it comes to efforts to engage in real and meaningful dialogue with one's teenager, complicated doesn't even begin to describe the terrain. And that's because, as parents, we often talk at our teens and not with them.

At least that's the way it seems from what I've experienced. I asked a few other friends how they interact with their teens.

One said: "My rule is not to repeat or discuss in front of my teenagers anything another parent has said about his/her child. This does not, of course, include accolades. I'm talking about when parents are expressing frustration about something their child did."

Another friend said she never uses the word "fat" in front of her teenagers and never tells them to "shut up." She also said it's a good idea never to ask "what the hell were you thinking?" Most times, she noted, you really don't want to know the answer.

Still another friend said it's never a good idea to talk about people in front of your kids or to speak badly about their teachers.

In the end, after exchanging ideas with a number of parents of teens, I came up with my own personal list of seven things never to say to your teenager. If you have your own ideas, please feel free to note them in comments.

1. "How was school today?"
I can't tell you how many times I've asked this question, only to be met with a one-word response -- usually "good" or "fine" -- and a view of my teenager's back as he walked from the room. It's so much better to ask a specific question. "How was that algebra test?" "Was the algebra test as hard as you thought it would be?"

2. "Around" or "about."
Saying you want your teen home "around 10 p.m." is opening curfew up to a vast world of interpretation. With my teens I have to be as specific as possible. You must be home by 10 p.m. and no later. I would like you to take out the trash AND empty the dishwasher -- within the next 10 minutes. Be home by 10 p.m. on Saturday night, March 23, 2013.

3. "You can't imagine what I've been through today" or "you can't imagine the day I've had" when your teen tries to ask you about something when you get home from work.
Again, I've been guilty of saying something like this many times. And I have had bad days where all I wanted to do was pour a glass of wine and go up to bed. But your teen needs you to be present -- even when you may not feel like it.

4. "Look how your sister (brother) does her homework."
It's hurtful to compare your children to one another in this way. And comparisons only needlessly pit siblings against one another. Each child is unique with his or her own special characteristics. Focus on the good.

5. "I hate you too."
Rare is the parent who hasn't been told they're hated. But when you let your anger get the better of you and you say "I hate you" back, it's immature and and just plain wrong. You're not your child's peer but you are supposed to be their cheerleader and their role model.

6. "Just give me a minute!"
If only I had a dime for each time I've said this on many a busy day. But I believe it tells your kids you are brushing them off. And I don't want to do that. Better to say, I think, that you need to finish up a quick task and that you'll be with them in a few minutes. And then actually BE with them in a few minutes.

7. "Good job!"
I used to say this all the time to my kids until I realized I was saying it so much -- it had lost all its meaning. Obviously you should praise and encourage your kids. But don't just keep saying "good job" if there really isn't anything to say "good job" about.

Do You Have the Time?

There is a great song by Chicago. It is called "Does Anyone Know What Time It Is?" Back in the day, I could sing all the lyrics but definitely did not identify with message.  Being pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock........Does anybody really care?  We all should.  We can all agree that it is a hectic, busy world most of us live in.  As parents, we are pulled in thousands of directions. Work. Community.  Friends. Family. Home. Chores. Church.

Focus on the Family's and Kanakuk's favorite son, Joe White,  offers the following discussion about being available for your teen.

Do you spend too much time away from home? When you're there, are you available physically and emotionally? Or are you wrapped up in television, moonlighting or restoring an old Corvette?
If you're there when the kids get home from school, do they have a listening, caring parent to talk with? Or do they have to stand in the kitchen, shifting from foot to foot, hoping you'll get off the phone?
If you get home later, do you push aside attempts at closeness, your face and body language like an electrified fence? Do you mumble a hello to your kids and demand they give a respectful, clear response? If your teen has a concert at school, do you beg off because you're too tired?
If so, it's not surprising. Parenting a teen — not to mention keep­ing up with the bills — is exhausting work. Just when you thought your kids would need less from you, you find they need more.
And time is what they need most. Quality and quantity time.

Parents Who Come Home

Coming home can be hard. It requires sacrifice.
I have a friend who's a major-league surgeon. He came to me after realizing he was losing touch with his teens. He could see them frozen in the distance, almost like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.
I suggested he come home. He looked at me, his face etched with despair. "But I can't." I knew what he meant. His skills were in constant demand at all hours of the day and night.
So I challenged him with what I hoped would be a reasonable goal. "Try to give 10 percent of each day to your kids. Just 10 percent."
He did. To his astonishment, his teens began to respond. What he thought he'd lost forever, he regained — when he gave only 10 percent of his time.
I'd tried this principle at home, too. After pouring myself into
my job every day and coming home with a chip on my shoulder and looking for a soft place to lie down, I'd had nothing left to give my kids. One day I'd slithered home, anxious to do nothing, when a thought floated into my head: Save 10 percent.
That sounded reasonable, doable. So I set myself a goal of reserving 10 percent of my energy for my children. My new top calling was to be a dad.
I used that 10 percent with my teens — shooting hoops, running pass patterns, and listening to a squawking saxophone. In their hearts they knew I thought they were special, that I valued them.

A Time to Mend

I'm not the only one who thinks it's worth it to sacrifice your time during the few years your teen has left at home. Listen to this girl's story:
"My mom drove us to and from school every day. That meant at least an hour a day in the car. It was so great because, being the incredibly wise woman that she is, my mom would listen to what was going on. Then she would offer her best advice for a problem. This way, we all learned to trust my mom, and we weren't ever afraid to tell her about something that had happened. My mom has always encouraged us to talk to her because she knows that we're not perfect and we're going to screw up sometimes. She's extremely good at waiting until we're ready to tell her what's on our minds, and she just listens and then gives us advice or takes action if it's needed."
It takes time to be that kind of mentor to your teen. Here's how one parent put it: "Whenever there was a choice between being with the kids and doing something else, the best choice was being with them."
Want to see a change in your teen's behavior? Make the first move by coming home.

Sounds simple doesn't it?  Make just "being there" a priority and see the changes in your teen and in your home.It's worth the effort.   chrissie

Just Perfect

Have you seen the musical, Little Shop of Horrors?  It's about about a nerdy florist named Seymour who raises a house plant named Audrey that feeds on human blood. When Seymour accidentally pricks his finger, he discovers that Audrey needs blood to survive. What Seymour doesn't know is that the more blood Audrey receives, the larger and more demanding she would become.
As the musical progresses, Audrey grows into a deep-voiced, obnoxious, palm-sized plant which screams, "Feeeeed me!" A few drops of blood from Seymour's fingers couldn't sustain Audrey any longer, so she eats him.
Having a perfectionist child can be a lot like dealing with Audrey. Without realizing it, parents can encourage idealistic tendencies in their children by "feeding" their perfectionism. The result can be a child that grows out of control, and, like Audrey, is very demanding.

Shanna Shutte, a contributor to Focus on the Family offers five ways to tame the perfectionism in your child and recover your sanity. (It's interesting. She finds birth order has a lot to do with perfectionist tendencies in children.  Is your first born a perfectionist?)

Parenting Perfectionist Kids

Don't feed perfectionism

Perfectionism grows when it's encouraged. If your perfectionist daughter will not eat dinner because it's not arranged the "right" way on her plate, let her know that she'll either eat it as it's served or she won't eat at all. To a permissive parent, this may sound mean. But by not bending to your child's demands, you keep from being controlled by her. And you won't be so wiped out at the end of the day from being pushed around by a perfectionist kid.
If your child throws a temper tantrum because her shoes are the wrong color and don't match her dress, don't feed her perfectionism by cajoling her or reasoning with her. Instead, step over her as she is wailing, and go on with what you were doing. She'll learn that to function in life, she has to bend — a skill that all successful and confident people need.

Recognize a firstborn's tendency to be a perfectionist

Dr. Kevin Leman, author of a number of excellent parenting books including Have a New Kid by Friday, says that firstborn children are often perfectionists because parents tend to treat their firstborns differently from their latter-born children. You may have heard the joke that a mother sterilizes every pacifier for her first born. But by the time the same mother is on child number three, if the pacifier falls into the dirt, mom brushes it off and sticks it back in her child's mouth. Naturally, because parents are more structured with their firstborns, those children generally desire more structure.
In a conversation with MSNBC, Dr. Leman said, ". . . children are like wet cement. It's true that they are much more moldable in the first six or seven years of life. It's one of the few things you'll get psychologists and psychiatrists to agree on. You are not going to change the perfectionistic nature of a driven firstborn. But you know, you might round off the edges."¹
The good news is that many CEOs and presidents of companies are firstborns. It's no wonder. If they were in charge at home over younger siblings, it's a no-brainer for them to be in charge at work.

Take a personal inventory

If you are a firstborn, you'll need to do the best you can to "round off your own perfectionistic edges" if you want to help your kids become more flexible. Amy, a firstborn mother of two small children says that she often wondered why her firstborn child was so picky about the smallest things. Then she learned about Dr. Leman's analysis of firstborns and realized that her child was demonstrating what she herself had modeled. Not surprisingly, a perfectionist child and a perfectionist parent will butt heads because when each doesn't have their own agenda met, there will be fireworks.
If you suspect that you struggle with perfectionism, ask yourself if less than perfect is OK in some instances. Is it OK for you not to feel in control if your child doesn't pick up every toy before she goes to bed at night? Is it all right if she misses her back teeth when she is brushing now and then?
When you can embrace your own imperfection, your child will realize that less than perfect is acceptable. This will help her develop into a secure, confident and flexible adult. If you struggle with extreme perfectionism, remember that there are trained counselors who can help you with your challenges.

Use humor

There is nothing like a little humor to lighten a tense moment. When your perfectionist child feels like life is falling apart, a little joking, teasing or acting silly will send a strong message to your kid: Imperfection is not the end of the world.
Granted, it can be a challenge sometimes to find the light side of something that seems like a disaster, but it can be done. Additionally, when you can laugh at your own mistakes, your child will learn to laugh at his, too.

Tell a story from your own experience

In moments when humor is not appropriate, you can tell a hopeful story from your own experience to encourage your son or daughter. When Robert's son Mark was angry at himself because he missed a free throw that caused his team to lose a basketball game, Robert pulled a story from his past out to share with his son. He talked about the time when he missed a touchdown pass in overtime. He was also able to tell Mark that by the next game his team had forgotten what happened, and he did much better.
Story telling about your own experiences can help you bond with you child, but it can also help your son or daughter see that survival is possible after failure.
Shutte has some great points and also some practical advice.  By tempering your own perfectionism, you can help your child temper their own.   And by, "Rounding off" the perfectionist edges in your child- will help him become more successful and secure in his mistakes. chrissie

Can I Have the Keys?

 Do you have a teen who is getting ready to drive? If so, does the idea of handing the keys over to your teen terrify you?  What follows is a test to determine how safe a driver your eager sixteen-year-old is.  Its a nice way to evaluate how your family is addressing the issue.  The premise? Driving should not just be a given.  It should be a an earned privilege. Parenting with Love and Logic's Dr Charles Fay offers the simple quiz and then, the rationale behind each question.

Too many of our children are injured or killed as they drive on America's roads.
Last year more than 3,500 teenage drivers were killed and 344,000 were injured in accidents, according to the National Highway and Transportation Safety Administration. Have you ever wondered how safe a driver your teenager really is? Take the following test to see if your child is safe behind the wheel:

My teen paid for at least half of the cost of his/her vehicle and insurance.	True	False
My teen uses my car and has made a deposit into my savings account equal to the insurance deductible.	True	False
My teen is respectful and follows the rules of our home and his/her school.	True	False
My teen handles frustrations well. He/she does not lose his/her temper easily.	True	False

If you answered "False" to one or more of these questions, your teenager may not be as safe a driver as you thought. The good news is that it isn't too late to take three steps that may save his or her life — and the lives of others.

Life-Saver #1
Make sure your child makes a meaningful financial contribution to his or her driving privilege.
Kids take much better care of their cars — and drive much more carefully — when they have spent a significant amount of their own money purchasing them or paying for insurance. Using an appropriate amount of empathy, a parent might say:
Feel free to drive when you have enough money to pay for at least half of your own car and half of your insurance.
Feel free to use the family car when we don't need it and you've made a deposit into our savings account equal to the insurance deductible.
Life-Saver #2
Make it possible for your teen to drive only when you know he or she respects the rules at home and at school.
If teenagers do not respect their family or school rules, what are the chances they will respect the rules of the road? Parents need to say:
When I know that you are ready to follow rules at home and at school, then I'll feel more comfortable that you will follow them out on the road. Then it will be time for you to drive.
Life Saver #3
Before driving, your teen must show he or she can handle frustration without losing his/her temper.
Kids who easily lose their tempers at home are sure to lose them behind the wheel and become part of the "road rage" epidemic. With this type of child, a parent can say (without using any sarcasm):
When I know that you handle your frustrations without throwing a fit, I will know you are ready to handle the frustrations of driving without doing something you will be sorry for later.

Love and Logic is designed to help parents raise responsible kids who are prepared to make smart choices about serious issues. Parents around the world are applying these practical strategies and finding they sleep much easier at night. 

Sleep Easier?  With a teen out and about driving, that would be a welcome outcome.  Chrissie

Walking the Walk

 My husband, Warren, grew up in College Station, Texas. One of his friends from A and M Consolidated High School is Joe White.  Joe's Father and Mother founded Kanakuk Kamps, based out of Branson., Missouri.  Kanakuk is a Christian based, sports focused camp- it's message being- I am third.  God First.  Family Second. Me, third. Joe is not only executive director but a motivational speaker all over North America.  What follows is his observations about relating to your teen. It is practical, easy and full of common sense advice.  Some of the best "doable" lesson plans to stay in touch with your precious child. 

An old Ozark Mountain "hillbilly" friend shared some wisdom with my dad a few years ago: "The older I get, the less I know for sure!" That's how I felt when I was raising my teen girls. I couldn't figure out the intricacies of dad-and-daughter psychology. But I worked and prayed and cried over it more than I care to remember!
Don't get me wrong: My daughters were my pride and joy, and I tried every way I could to be the perfect dad. But, man, how many times I failed! I was clumsy and always seemed to be "say­ing it wrong." I give God and their mom all the credit for the amazing, godly young ladies they were and are today.
During those turbulent and often disillusioning days, all I knew to do was spend time with my girls. Fortunately, that turned out to be the key to the relationship I wanted so badly.
My connecting point with daughter Courtney was on her early morning jogs. She wanted to run three to six miles at 6:15 A.M., so we hit the pavement together. I had to follow her rules, though:

1. We ran at her pace.
2. She did all the talking.
3. I did all the listening.

When I tried to change the pace (a mistake I only made once) or tried to give unsolicited advice (probably more than once), I was quickly corrected and reminded of "the rules."
I still look back on those early morning "joggers" as some of the most important hours I'll ever spend in my life. That's when I learned how vital it is to walk (or run) alongside our teens.

Walking the Walk

We parents of teens are called to leave our paths and get on theirs. Why? To be sure they aren't alone. To encourage them through the thickets and storms. To rejoice when there's something to rejoice about.
When we walk alongside our teens, we usually need to follow their rules. We're there to do what they want to do. We're choos­ing to actively participate in their world. It might mean joining a neighborhood softball team, or trying out for a community or church theater production, or shooting hoops every night after work, or chaperoning a field trip to a french fry factory.
The fun of doing something together can fill your scrapbook with pages of the best times of these all-too-brief child-raising years. Remember — the days can seem long, but the years are short.
Walking alongside happens when we step into our teens' shoes and see life from their perspective. We don't do it once a year; we do it often.
But where do you begin? How do you walk alongside a kid who may not even like the idea? We'll explore this throughout this article series.
1. Find out what he loves to do. Then do it with him, rather than just cheering him on from the stands. Sometimes what he loves will be obvious, but sometimes it may surprise you both. That was the case with my son Brady, who wanted to be a basketball player. But the pressure of basketball was brutal. I saw potential for something else: music. That didn't come naturally for either my wife or me; she'd gotten kicked out of choir in sixth grade, and the same happened to me in my junior year of high school.
"Brady," I said, "look at those hands of yours. You've got the most beautiful fingers. I can see those on a keyboard. I can see them running up and down the frets of a guitar."
"Well, I'm not interested in music," he replied.
But by the time he was a college freshman, Brady wanted a guitar.
Today he's recording his third album, writing great lyrics and making beautiful music. He sings all over the country; we do youth crusades together. And if you think it's helped our relation­ship, you're right.
2. Make the most of summer. Walking alongside should happen all year, but the best season for growing with your teen is summer. Before school lets out, get a calendar and note how many days you have until fall classes begin. Find a block of time each day when you can put your priorities, work, hobbies, and worries aside and be there 100 percent for your teen. Plan together what you can do — fishing, camping, shopping, grilling, tennis, whatever your teen would enjoy.
3. Take a wild adventure together. Recently my wife took our grandson on a one-day canoe trip down the beautiful Buffalo River in northwest Arkansas. It was gorgeous, safe, and surprisingly inexpensive (canoes rented for just $20 a day). Another family I know hikes in the Rocky Mountains every year.
4. Ask what your teen has never done but would like to try. Go try it together. Learn something new. Go with an open mind and a sense of humor — like the lady who, when learning to ski, told everyone that the only rule for the day was to laugh whenever she fell. Look for classes in a foreign language, dance, art, computer software. Take piano or guitar lessons. Sign up for a sports clinic.
5. Serve the needy together. Homeless shelters, the Salvation Army, soup kitchens, food banks, convalescent homes, tutoring — the list of volunteer opportunities never gets shorter. One father-son duo did painting and simple repairs at a home for troubled teens, then painted playground equipment for a school in a poor neighborhood. My oldest daughter and I went on a one-week mission trip to Trinidad when she was 13, and it was the best thing we've ever done together. We found common goals, common ground, and made memories that helped us through the most difficult years of our relationship.
6. Find out what your teen dreads doing. Ask whether she wants your help with that PowerPoint project about bacteria or that awkward phone call to a friend whose sister just passed away. What kind of assistance does she want? Remember to follow her rules — for example, letting her be the boss about where things go when you help clean her room.
7. Walk alongside your teen spiritually. You can connect to your teen and connect your teen to God by praying and reading and memorizing Scripture with your teen daily.
Just 10 minutes a day can give your relationship an "eternal touch." School may get what's in the middle, but I was deter­mined to "bookend" my kids' days with a short devotion at the breakfast table and a Bible-and-prayer time before bed.
Three of my four kids really liked our twice-daily times together. I never forced my kids to be part of them; we only had those times when I was welcome. For the uninterested teen, I was like an old, faithful dog — ready in the corner, but not pushy. This old dog didn't jump on the reluctant child every time she came through the door, saying, "Let's talk, let's have a devotional." I was just available.
This should be "sanctuary time," a safe place in today's uncer­tain world. Don't use it for lecturing, criticism, or manipulating your teen with God's Word. With those ground rules, your teen can look forward to spending time with you.
My advice is to ditch the word "devotional," too. It's not Sun­day school; it's your set-apart time, your quiet time, your sanctuary.
8. Bring your teen into your world. When I ran errands, I'd invite one of my teens to come along. If I was speaking at a youth rally, there was a place for my kids on the team coordinating the event. When my teens came home from a party or a date, I invited them to "debrief" over a bowl of cereal with me.
9. Discover your teen's dreams. There's a dream inside every young person, as sure as there's a yolk inside every chicken's egg. Help your teen identify his strengths and work together toward realizing his dream. My book Wired by God is one tool that can help you do that. Guide your teen in setting his own goals; then investigate ways for him to gain skill and experience.
In our family, Courtney enjoyed gymnastics and volleyball; Brady was into guitar and basketball; Cooper liked weight train­ing and football; Jamie pursued cheerleading. I was the lucky guy who got to catch passes, spot flips, and cheer like crazy. Listening to saxophone practice and retrieving tens of thousands of basket­ball shots helped build foundations for friendships with my kids that I enjoy as an "old guy" today.
10. Remember that the relationship is everything. During those crazy teen years, my relationship with my kids was top priority. The media were telling them to have fun through sex, drugs and alcohol; peers were telling them that par­ents were no longer relevant. I wanted to earn a hearing by being the person my kids loved hanging out with the most.
No matter how you decide to walk alongside your teen, remember that it's not a chore. It's not a competition, either. The goal is to learn about your teen, to have fun, to encourage, to do some servant-hearted foot-washing.
 

Walking alongside your teen is a gift.  Be sure to unwrap the package. Chrissie