"Trust Me. I know what's best for you." It is usually the truth but try to tell that to an emerging and defiant 15 year old. Say this and watch your teen's eyes glaze over. They just tune out my precious words of wisdom. How can we to tweak our momisms so that our kidss know what we are talking about and are actually able to follow
through on what we have to say? "The most effective way to speak to a kid
is to use simple words and sentences that allow you to accept his
feelings but follow through on your rules," says Wendy Mogel, Ph.D.,
author of
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. And don't undermine
yourself either. Dr. Mogel cautions against adding qualifiers such as
"okay?" at the end of your request. If you give a child the opportunity
to say no, she may use her veto power whenever she can -- and it will
seem as though you're not fully committed to what you're saying. With
these basics in mind, we rounded up the best phrases all moms should
repeat first to ourselves -- and then to their teens.
1. "I need to think about that."
Moms often suffer from an instant-response reflex. "Many of us
believe we have to think on our feet, come up with an answer
immediately, and reach consensus with a 4-year-old," says Dr. Mogel. But
blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind can lead to regret
and frustration for both you and your child. Telling her, "I need to
think about that" gives you authority, buys you time, and also
introduces the idea that people think about things and weigh the pros
and cons before coming up with a response, says Dr. Mogel. It can also
be habit-forming. If your child hears you say, "I'm going to have to
think about that" often, she will become comfortable taking her time
when making her own decisions, which can have long-term benefits. By the
time she reaches middle
school,
she will be so used to the idea of thinking before she speaks that
she'll be more likely to say, "I'm going to have to think about that"'
to her friends -- increasing her odds of avoiding spontaneous
participation in ill-advised, illegal, or just plain stupid behavior.
2. "How does that make you feel?"
There's been a lot of talk lately about how parents shower their kids
with too much praise. I'm as guilty as the next mom: When they were smaller- "Awesome
lunch-eating!" "Amazing shoe-tying!" Instead of this over-the-top
enthusiasm, Dr. Mogel suggests asking "How does that make you feel?"
when teens do something praiseworthy. "Even though it's a bit
passive-aggressive (kids know when you're trying to get them to say what
you want to hear), what's nice about this response is that it gives you
a break from jumping up and down with praise and encourages your teen
to get in touch with what he finds satisfying, rather than thinking
only about the end result," says Dr. Mogel.
3. "Whoa."
Use this when your kid presents you with a problem or if she's done
something she knows will get her in trouble . Simply saying "Whoa" lets her know that you're
acknowledging what just happened, but you're not committing to a
response right away. This will give you a moment to put the situation in
perspective and figure out how you want to handle it. "I especially
like this one because it counters our whole culture of giving instant,
urgent responses," explains Dr. Mogel. Bonus: You can use this for years
to come.
4. "Let's see if we can find something good in this."
Losing an election or sporting event. Being left out of a plan or a party. A bad grade. These are
all depressing situations for a teen. The secret to helping your child
manage disappointment is to not rush in and rescue him from feeling bad.
Instead, you want to help him flex his coping skills by letting him be
upset. But
after he's said his piece, sit down next to him and say, "Let's find the
good part." Be prepared for some push-back; after all, it's hard to see
the upside of losing a soccer game. But stick with it by
asking him to think about what's still positive and what can still work in spite of the annoying stuff.
You'll help your child learn to adapt and manage with what he has.
5. "Listen to your body."
Many moms are more in touch with their kid's body than with their own.
We know how long they've slept and the last time they ate and pooped --
even when they're 8 years old, not 8 months old. However, if you
habitually manage your child's physical needs, she'll figure out that
she doesn't have to and she won't learn to be self-regulating, says Dr.
Mogel. When she says, "I have a stomachache," don't rush to share your
own conclusion ). Instead, help
her go through a scan of likely causes. Eventually, if she learns to pay
attention to her body, she may be able to recognize that the
butterflies are different from hunger pains. Or that she
can't fall asleep because her mind is racing. And when she
comes downstairs and says she can't sleep, at least she'll be able to
tell you why.
6. "Take a breath."
We all need to slow down, but in our rush to get ready for school, soccer practice, or doctor appointments, it's easy to forget how. Saying
this puts an end to the urgency that so many kids feel during those
transitional moments between activities, and it reminds you to take a
breath too. "It's the equivalent of putting the oxygen mask on yourself
first and then on your teen," Dr. Mogel says. Kids mirror our moods,
and if you can stop and call a time-out to breathe, you will be teaching
your teen how to slow down and manage stressful situations. It resets
the tone of your day and gives you and your kid permission to be okay
with right where you are -- and maybe even to see how funny it is that
you can find only one baseball cleat. The best way to make sure your words have a
calming effect is to take a few deep breaths. When you're done, you'll
feel more clearheaded and connected, and be far more likely to locate
that other shoe.
7. "Would you like a do-over?"
It works whether
you're in the privacy of your own home or in line for a table at a
crowded restaurant, because it's friendly and nonthreatening. Changing
the phrase to "Let's have a do-over" makes it even more effective
because it's nonnegotiable. You're both going to reenact a moment
together, and she can't say no. Plus, it takes her out of the hot seat
and puts the two of you on the same team. When she feels you are her
ally, she'll be more willing to work with you.
8. "That's a great idea."
Being a cheerleader for your child's big and small ideas will help
him realize that he can effectively solve his own problems. Whether you
have a 2-year-old figuring out what he wants to wear, a 6-year-old
deciding how to spend an afternoon, or an 8-year-old debating about what
story he is going to write, saying this will tell him that whatever
scenario he just cooked up is worthy and that he has the brains and
ability to see it through
