Shut Up and Listen

Have you ever done something embarrassing? Something you were ashamed of? Something you wish you could take back? Of course. Haven't we all? I still shudder about an incident or two.

Shame undermines one's confidence. If you are a teenager your confidence is likely to be fragile and ever-changing anyway. Even if your teenager has done something very dumb, and needs to have some serious correction, tread carefully. You don’t want to shame her...that is counter-productive.

A teenager is going to make mistakes and need correction. While we guide our teen to learn from his mistakes, we need to try to do this in a way that is positive and builds him up. Helping our teen develop a strong sense of self is essential to developing his ability to say no at times, to extricate himself from bad situations, and to ultimately make choices that reflect his (and hopefully our) values.

This won't always be easy. You may have to bite your tongue at first. This buys you time to think strategically and control what is said. Deep breath. Deep Breath.

Some tips from Sue Blaney-( http://www.parentingteensinfo.com) Tread carefully; try not to over-react; think things through before you respond to delicate situations, and when you do respond it's probably best to do it privately. Helping your teen to save face ensures you are on the same side of the table, not adversaries with opposing goals. Humiliation is not a good companion to criticism.

When an incident occurs that needs discussion or action, wait at first. Let your teen talk. Lead the conversation so it is not just making excuses but results in serious evaluation and reflection. Discuss reasonable consequences with your child. Make a negative a positive by establishing expectations, boundaries and possible repercussions in a calm and non-judgemental way. As someone once said, hate the sin, love the sinner.

If wishes were fishes, I'd wish these "awkward" or "dangerous" moments never happened with teens, but as the Mother of four, I can promise you that they do. Handling them in a rational and constructive manner makes life with your son or daughter easier and less traumatic. Keeping the lines of communication open, no matter what the phone call, is one of the most important tools we can use as a parent. chrissie

Talk To A Grown-Up

It is entirely likely your teenager will encounter a situation about which your teen will need adult input...and won't always want it from a parent. For many reasons teens may not want to go to us for help... and it is in our best interest to facilitate and support our teen's relationships with other adults. Aunts and uncles are often the best candidates for such a role, but truly this role can be fulfilled by anyone who is trustworthy. Family friends, cousins, teachers, coaches, school counselors, youth leaders…. it seems obvious. The more positive adults in our teen's life, the stronger the support network will be. Even better, the less likely that our child will run into serious trouble.

Some parents are jealous of a special relationship between their child and another adult This has always struck me as being selfish and short-sighted. There is no room for jealousy here, a supportive adult can be a life-saver. As long as the "significant other" adult in your teen's life is a positive and constructive influence, do the Happy Dance. A mature confidant is a blessing for your child.

There is an interesting side note here. Often those“fun adults” our children find so easy to talk to find things a little different when they have kids of their own. It's funny how their own kids consider their parent quite strict and serious. See, our role is different and we play it differently when dealing with our own children. Maybe you will even be the supportive adult in another child's life.

What adult does your teens consider close enough to confide in? Let your teens know that this is important and that you support them in these relationships. If there are adults that you feel don't share your values, speak about this with your child so you can provide some subtle guidance. Then sit back and don't try to control it, because ( I know this one is hard) this relationship is not one for us to manage.

We are the on the front line as role models for our teenagers. There is no doubt about that. But the back-up support of other interested adults is reassuring and comforting. Think about who this might be for your child. I am not above cultivating a relationship by encouraging interaction. Just don't be too obvious. It's the kiss of death if our kids know their parents are promoting anything!!!! chrissie

Something Yummy for the Family

Where has the summer gone? It is almost August and school and routines and schedules will be back before we know it....yikes. No surprise. Time is passing too fast.

By now, cooking for the fam has kind of gone out the window. It's so hot and everyone is going in a dozen different directions. Maybe a couple of new recipes will help your house begin to slip back into a more structured schedule. Dinner. Together? What an idea!

Here is an easy cold soup that utilizes summer cucumbers. It has only five ingredients and can be made in a jiffy. Just give it an hour to really chill.

Cold Cucumber Soup
Peel and chop 4 medium cucumbers. Thinly slice about 3/4 cup green onions. In a blender, combine both with 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 1 teaspoon lemon zest, 1 teaspoon sea salt, 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper and 1-1/2 cups Swanson's Vegetable Broth. Puree. Stir in 1/2 cup sour cream and chill well. Serve topped with additional chopped cucumber, green onion and lemon zest. (If you like, add a teaspoon or so of dill)

The second recipe utilizes those yummy homegrown tomatoes available now. Enjoy.

Tomato Pie
4 medium tomatoes
1 9 inch pie shell-baked
1 cup chopped white onion
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
2 Tbsp chopped, fresh basil
1/2 cup Hellman's mayonnaise
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup grated cheddar cheese

Preheat oven to 375. Cut 6 tomato slices for garnish and set aside. Halve the rest and remove seeds. Cut into 6 wedges. Place half the wedges in the bottom of the baked pie shell. Sprinkle with 1/2 cup onion, 1/4 tsp salt and pepper and 1 tablespoon basil. Stir mayo and cheeses together and spread half the mixture over the onion layer. Repeat all layers again and place reserved tomato slices on the top. Bake 30- 40 minutes , until golden brown. (If pie crust starts overbrowning, cover edges with aluminum foil.) Allow pie to set up and cool for about 15 minutes before serving.

Enjoy the rest of Summer!!! Chrissie

"What a Good Boy"

My youngest, Tom, invited his fraternity Big Brother to our cabin for the Fourth Of July. I have known Scott since Tom pledged Sig Ep at OU three years ago. He was always polite and seemed to take his Big Bro responsibilities seriously. I appreciated that. Someone needed to take Tom Swift under their wing at college.

The 4th weekend was busy, the cabin was full and people were coming and going all the time. There was rivering and laking and pooling. There was fireworking, bonfiring and 4-wheeling. I made lots of snacks, washed lots of towels and bagged lots of trash. Scott helped. He made his bed. He played with the grandchildren. He helped us cook 200 hotdogs and hot links. He chatted with Wag and me! He was easy to have around and fit in with our rag-tag group. I would have had him back anytime.

Lo and behold, about a week later, a letter arrived. A Thank You Note. From Scottie. Two paragraphs-with specific and well written Thank You's. The Float Trip-Thank you so much for putting us in and picking us up. The Fireworks- Shooting the big ones was something I have always wanted to do, thanks for the opportunity. A personal compliment- What a great family Tom has. Can you see how blown away I was? I wish appreciation and courtesy were the norm but too often adults as well as teens do not drop a note to say thank you for a kindness or occasion. I had a dinner party for a bride and groom and have never received an acknowledgement for the party or the wedding gift. It makes me sad that the bride does know better.

Scott's consideration may seem a small thing but it speaks of much bigger ones. I look for great things from him because he knows how to do the right things. He was raised to be a gentleman and to be polite. Scott does not just expect to be waited on. He understands how to make others comfortable. He is inclusive. He makes himself at home. He lets you know he appreciates being invited. Great things come to those who have these gifts.

Thank You Notes. Bread and Butter Letters. Being a good guest. Showing appreciation. Helping Out. Being genuine. Looking people in the eye. Shaking hands. Holding doors open. Standing up when an older person enters the room. Introducing yourself. Including everyone in the conversation. Showing interest. I could go on forever. Teach these skills to your kids. Model these attributes in your own life. Good manners makes for better life choices for the future. It's civilized. It's so important. chrissie

Do You Wordle?

Everyone probably knew about this but me, but now I am addicted. I heard about Wordle at State Superintendent Sandy Garrett's leadership conference this week. I couldn't wait to try it and now that I have, I'm sure there are others out there who could use it, too.

But before I knew its name, I had already seen it. Wordle's have been turning up in the mass media now for awhile. I typed one in for The Care and Feeding of Teenagers and this is what it produced - our very own Wordle. Wordles are useful for illustrating powerpoints and getting across the collective feel of a concept. I thought it was interesting that the computer program focused in on the word "children" and separated it out boldly from the rest of the words, since a teenager is nothing more than a child trying to break free and children are, after all, "people," which also stands out prominently in the word cloud (the name for the randomized words). Clicking on the wordle here will take you to the website.



Wordle was invented by Jonathan Feinberg of IBM using the JAVA platform. It's great for presentations, inspirations, dedications, finding implications and synthesizations. If your child had a summer project for an AP course, this would make a fun title page. Just imagine how it could randomize authors, chemistry terms, the possibilities are endless.

Visit www.wordle.net and enjoy!
Melony

I Love You, You Make Me Sad

Just a quick word about a couple of parenting articles I found on the Live Science website.

One article explained that teenagers are completely incapable of caring about their parent's feelings due to the way their brains work. Empathy, as we have said before, comes from a mature brain, so forget your teen's ever seeing that the floors need to be swept or clothes put away, as Chrissie alluded to in the previous post, because you have worked all day and are tired and are non-verbally wishing it was so. Understanding that it's the nature of the beast will help you cope with perceived inconsideration better and help you not scream, yell and threaten, as that won't help your teen's brain develop any faster. At least it hasn't been scientifically proven to work yet.


Click on the link above and it will take you to an article about depression and people with children. Evidently, in studies people with children are more depressed than people without children. Worry about children's health, happiness, safey and well-being even into adulthood seems to cause depression and sadness in many people. One really interesting point was that even when our children are doing well, we are still anxious and depressed about them.

The up side was that people with children - young children - are happier and more self-confident. But that happiness dwindles as the children get older and parents become more anxious about their well-being. I'm thinking that self-confidence (the parent's self-confidence, that is) can come into question, too, as teens begin to question their parent's competency. Not being cool anymore can be downright depressing.

All in all, teens contribute to that normal process we call life. Keeping everything in perspective can help alleviate that depression caused by having children. That and learning how to blog and tweet, text message and program the VCR...
Take care,
Melony

Take A Deep Breath

Do you ever watch the show Clean House? The premise is, the hosts arrive at a home and organize the surroundings of the people who live there. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. These folk, with children and dogs and jobs and seemingly normal lives, are living in an alternate universe of clutter, junk, squalor and mayhem. They don't sleep in their beds because the bed has disappeared under piles of clothes, linens, magazines and who knows what else. There are trails through the house and every wall, floor space, cabinet and closet is exploding with "stuff." Stoves that don't work, cars that don't go, coupons never used, mail never answered. There are foodstuff long since expired, litter boxes that are never cleaned, vents and fans and filters that should have been discarded years before......and and stains and mold that would have a normal person run screaming out of the house.

The hosts attempt to talk the hapless family into discarding, organizing and reassessing, all the while promising a sparkling and newly decorated environment once the mess is gone. They beg and plead to sell the 200 beanie babies, the Bobble Head collection, Grandma's crocheted doilies, (all 4 crates of them) and anything thing else that does nothing but gather dust and clutter. The smiling hosts do not find this an easy job. It is like pulling teeth for these lucky recipients to give up their "stuff." No matter that are raising their families in chaos- order, structure, discipline and self-restraint are not a priority.

As we wind down summer and look toward a new school year, wouldn't it be a good time to really look around at our own living environment? What kind of space and atmosphere are we creating for our own family? There is something so satisfying about cleaning out, moving on and only keeping the things around that we love and use. A comfortable and well managed home not only gives our children a sense of security, it models a type of behavior that will put them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

So, throw out the old National Geographics, drop off the clothes that have not been worn in a year, discard anything that does not have all it's working parts and really appreciate what you have chosen to hold onto. Living abundantly is not what you have, it's how you live. It's easy to feel like you're drowning in clutter. Throw you and yours a lifeline- and simplify your life. chrissie