Did the Phone RIng?

This school year is coming to a close.  You may have a child leaving the security of elementary school this spring.  Off they go in August to a larger and more complicated environment. Middle School.

The middle school years are important.  The transition from dependent child to an independent teen begins here. Hormones kick in.  Peer groups broaden.  Focus changes.  Helping your tween feel confident and able to manage the new territory is important.  Look and Listen.  Be observant and sympathetic.  Keep expectations high but be flexible when necessary.  Patience and empathy is the key here.  Remember your own pre-teen experience.  As we say often in this forum, don't sweat the small stuff.

One important aspect of middle school is friends.  Your child's peer group will probably broaden in middle school. As a parent, you want the relationships to be good ones.  How can you help your tween to meet and keep friends that are positive and nurturing?  Everyone needs positive peer interaction. It helps maintain self-esteem, builds confidence and broadens one's perspective. Not to mention that it is enjoyable to have good friends. Get pro-active in getting your tween involved in activities that offer opportunities to meet friends. Don't wait for school to start next fall.  Much easier to walk into that big, unfamiliar building with a familiar face or two.

Get your tween involved with youth groups and activities in the community and at school. Be strong with the rule that your tween must be involved in something, but allow your tweenager to choose what groups, sports or activities to join.  After raising four children, I feel this is very important.  Much better to be driving across town for tennis lessons or writing checks for Drama Camp than walking by a closed door with an isolated teen behind it.

Talk to your tween about the group or activities. Did he/she meet someone new? Get a feel for the group and the other teens in the group that your teen is talking to. Give this step some time. It may take a month or more to really get to know these new friends. Just continue to enjoy listening to your teenager about their activity.


Make sure your home is welcoming and available. This includes food in the fridge but also the warmth of your welcome and then your willingness to excuse yourself when the time comes.  Your tween needs a place to go where they feel independent and  "unobserved."  A place where important conversations and bonding can happen between friends.  At home is a place you want this to happen. Trust me.


Now that your tween has found some new friends, you can encourage positive interaction by inviting friends to activities and being available to take and/or pick up when your tween wants to go place with his/her friends.  Offer opportunities like theatre, festivals, days at the lake and interesting workshops and classes.  Broaden your child's world and include friends in the process.  Make noodles one day.  Dad can take the boys hunting or fishing.  Bring a friend along on a family vacation.


This growing up thing is not easy.  Insuring your child has friends to navigate the process with is important.  Just like adults, friendship is a mutual responsibility.  What our Mom said was right.  "It takes being a friend to have one."  Teach and model behaviors.  Loyalty.  Mutual respect.  Not judging.  Lack of drama.  A united front. Kindness and consideration.  Thoughtful.  Sympathetic ear.  Empathy.  All tools that serve your child now and will in the years to come.  chrissie

There's a Party Going on Around Here

Last week I threw out the idea of hosting a party for your teen, at your house.  What follows are some rules and guidelines from the same writer.  It is not easy but do-able. chrissie

In order for a teen party to be a success, it needs to be fun and safe for all involved. You, as the parent, can insure that your teen's parties are safe by following these simple rules:

Make each rule clear to your teen. Write them down in black and white so that there can be no disagreement on what has been decided. These should be noted for all of your teen's parties, but gone over before ever party.

Split the workload and write up a list for each of you. Be sure your teen knows what he/she is responsible for getting done for the party. You should not be doing all of the work.

Keep the number of teens invited manageable. Smaller parties are much easier to manage and tend to be more fun.

Set the time for the party and stick with it. Three hours from start to finish seems to work well for the teen parties I have hosted.

Do not allow any illegal substances, including, but not limited to: alcohol, drugs of any kind, firearms, porn, etc. Place a ‘there will be no drinking or drugs allowed’ on the back of the invitations. This rule needs to be made very clear to all invitees before the day of the party.

Get a list of all those invited with their phone numbers. Keep this handy should the illegal substance rule be broken so that you can call the invitees parents to come and pick them up. Does this seem too harsh? What is more harsh is if that teen goes home and says you provided said illegal substance. You could face charges. But, if your teen knows you will call the other parent, you can bet the teens that will normally try and pull this stunt will not, or will not come to the party at all.

Do not have an open house. Tell your teen that he/she needs to stick to the invitation list. Should you have crashers to your teen’s party, do not allow them in.

Allow other parents to feel welcome to call you and to attend the party if they want - more hands to help and chaperon.

Do not be the only chaperon. There needs to be more than one adult in attendance.

During the party, ‘be around’. While you do not need to be right there, front and center, all the time, you do need to be visible. Staying in your bedroom is not chaperoning a party. Refill the food, help start activities and/or just walk through every 15 minutes or so.

Do not allow teens to leave the party and come back. This is a recipe for trouble. Teens who want to involve themselves with drinking, smoking, etc. will leave a party, do the illegal activity and come back. Make it clear that should anyone leave the party, he/she is not welcome to come back.

Accidents happen. Be ready with a bucket and rag to wash up spills and a first aid kit should someone get hurt.

Inform your neighbors and if it is a big party, the police. When your neighbors are pre-informed about a teen party, they are less likely to get upset with the noise and less worried about their own property. The police are there to help should you have any problems with a teen party. While I don't feel this step is necessary for small parties, larger ones can get out of hand and you may need some help, especially at times like prom night or graduation.

Mark off an area in your home for the party. Party goers shouldn't be in any other area of your home. Count heads when you make a walk through.

Are you Serious?

A party at your house?  You may be asking, "Are you kidding?".   I recently read a good column regarding the subject. Denise Witmer from about.com offers five good reasons to change your thinking about hosting a gathering for your teen and his friends.  Read it and see what you think.

Teen parties seem to be a taboo subject for many parents. With out-of-control parties happening and some parents feeling it’s okay to allow teens to drink as long as they are at their home, it isn’t any wonder. But there are very good reasons to host a teen party with your teenager. Here are my top five:
Throwing a party with your teen will help strengthen the bond in your relationship. The two of you will be working together to put on this event. You’ll both need to have give and take on the rules, the food, the invitees, etc. Plus, parties are a great way to celebrate milestones and teach family traditions. Celebrating milestones and family traditions give teens a sense of belonging. Sharing that with their peers will extend the sense belonging to their youth community.
During a party, you will get to know your teen’s friends. Will you like all of your teen’s friends? Perhaps not. But you will get to know who is who, which is a real leg up. You may find that you hear more about what goes on in school or elsewhere when your teen knows you know who he/she is talking about.
Your teen will appreciate your wanting to do something for them. It feels good to teens to know that their parents care about their social life, as it is a big part of their life. Having good friends helps your teen create a strong identity and self confidence. You helping your teen by creating fun times with their friends makes it easier for him/her to reach that goal.
You will be able to laugh in the face of adversity. Okay, not really a great reason. But it is true. There is so much taboo surrounding teen parties that it isn’t any wonder parents shy away from this activity. It is almost as if the alcohol and drug using youth community has put a stop to young people who want to get together to have some fun without illegal goings-on. .
Giving a teen party is an activity that will teach your teen many needed skills. Having a party for your friends is a big endeavor. It will show him/her how to entertain and be a gracious host/hostess. If your teen uses his/her friends as a decorating crew and/or clean up crew, he/she will learn to delegate. There are many skills your teen will be able to hone while planning and giving a party.

With prom, graduation and other spring activities coming up, above is something to consider.  Next week I'll share the rules and guidelines for hosting a gathering at your house. chrissie

Never too Old

Jelly Beans.  Pastel M and M's.  Peeps.  Finding things to fill our little ones Easter baskets was easy.  Throw in a stuffed rabbit with a big floppy bow and you were good to go.  If your child is older and a plastic egg with a shiny quarter just doesn't do it for them anymore, don't throw the Easter grass out with the bath water. Kids are still kids, though taller and moodier.  Keep the tradition going with an "age appropriate" basket. Below are a few suggestions to get you started.  Don't forget the chocolate bunnies!  Happy Easter to all.  chrissie

1.   Printable Coupons for Teens Free hour off curfew, etc.
2. Movie tickets
3. Gift certificate for a movie rental,
4. Car detail, Gas card
5. Favorite magazine subscription
6. Book on applying makeup and beauty
7. Journal
8. Gel pens
9. Cool pencils
10. Trending Novel ex: Hunger Games
11. Sun glasses
12. Handheld game
13. Favorite shampoo and conditioner, decorative hair supplies
14. Paint and paint brushes, sketch pad
15. Motivational book, Comic books, Photo journal
16. Memory card for digital camera
17. Sports, teen idol, movie- poster
18. Movie/DVD, video game
19. Beach towel, beach bag, beach supplies,Bathing suit, flip flops
20. Spa Day or fancy Hair Cut
21. Fast food gift certificates
22. Perfume or After Shave
23. I-tunes Gift Card
24. Ball or other sports equipment,  tool kit
25. Fun t-shirt
26. Frisbees, bubbles, Silly Putty, kite, Nerf guns
27. Manicure or Pedicure
28. Photograph and frame
29. Sports team items, hat, cap, shirt, shorts
30. Lessons or classes such as tennis, theatre, golf or art.

Traditions

It's almost Easter.  When my children were small, it was a time for dyeing eggs, chocolate bunnies and a feast that always included cheese grits and a coconut lamb cake.  We gathered to celebrate our faith and our family.  We still do.  Some of the people we loved most of all are no longer at the table, but their great grandchildren enjoy the same traditions and rituals that are important to our family. The place-card vases above were my Mother's.  Her great-granddaughter and namesake, Annebelle, decorated the Easter table last year with flowers from my garden and chose where we would all sit for Easter lunch.

Family traditions are things that families do together on a regular basis. These things can be patterns of behavior, enjoyable activities or a certain food that a family likes. They can be repeated daily, weekly, monthly or once a year. It is important for families to observe their traditions even as their children get older, here are five reasons why:
 
Family traditions create good feelings and special moments to remember. They are fun things to do. Enjoying this time together as a family will create positive emotions in each member. These are the memories that will last a lifetime.
Family traditions give every member of the family a stronger sense of belonging. Being a part of a family is more than living in the same home or having the same last name. It is about relationships and family bonds. Since family traditions are something you do together, they strengthen the bonds you have between each other creating a stronger sense of belonging to the family.
Family traditions help your teen with his/her identity. It helps to know that you ‘belong’ when you are trying to figure out who you are, which is a main job of the adolescent. A family that encourages a teen to be a part of it and its traditions provides a strong foundation for teens to stand on when they’re searching and defining their sense of self.
Family traditions help parents impart the family’s values to their children. To start, you get more time to model your family values to your teen. Showing your teen what having the ability to love is all about happens naturally when you spend quality time together – like during a traditional family activity. You will also find more opportunities to talk to your teen about serious issues and keep the conversations light when you observe a family traditions.
Family traditions offer your teen a sense a security. Everyday your teen faces some very difficult issues. Knowing that he/she is secure and has a family to turn to is a powerful tool to use against negative peer pressure, drug use influences, etc.
There are more reasons for families to observe their traditions, but the five above are the most important for parents of teenagers to remember. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because your child is older now you should no longer adhere to the rituals that help define your family. You still need them – and so does your teen.  So get out the Easter baskets and start filling Easter Eggs.  It's important.  chrissie

The Terrible Tweens

  As a parent of an almost "tween", you've heard the chatter. "It's a whole new world, much worse than the terrible twos." "You won't believe the change in your kid -- like night and day." "Just wait until they hit middle school; brace yourself." Looking back on the 10-13 years, I have to say, it was different, but not so bad. Here are six great things about the tween years.

The Good News: You Have a New Buddy
Yes, I know, your job description doesn't read: "My Kid's Best Friend." And, no, you're not equals. But the tween years provide endless opportunities to bond on a deeper level than you did when your child was little. You can take your tween. out to lunch and have a completely different experience from a few years ago. Remember when a trip to a restaurant meant watching them color the kids' menu and knock over their milk? Now you can discuss everything from their friendships to current movies to politics. (And if they have to go to the bathroom, they find it on their own.)  You need to shift gears and expect new behaviors. New.  Not bad.

The Good News: You're Past the Do-Everything Stage
 When the tween years come around, it's exhilarating to be free of the drudgery that comes with parenting small children: wiping bottoms, pouring juice, tying shoes. Not only that, but tweens can actually help around the house in meaningful ways, like emptying the dishwasher and taking out garbage. "It's simply less physically exhausting to be the parent of a tween.  Kids make their own lunches and their own beds. They're self-cleaning. The day-to-day stuff is much easier.


Make It Even Better: Celebrate each new task your kids can do, and get over any guilt you have that you're slacking off by letting them take on more, says educator Annie Fox, author of the Middle School Confidential series. "Some parents mistakenly equate dependence with love," she says. "They feel that 'if he doesn't need me, he doesn't love me.' But do you really want to be cutting your kid's sandwiches when he's thirty?" Encourage independence by giving tweens more complex home projects once in a while.

The Good News: He Gets the Jokes
Your tween will love sharing a whole new level of wit -- puns, wordplay, sarcasm.  This is a good time to expose kids to more grown-up movies and books, both current and classic. Of course, how far you want to go is a personal decision

The Good News: She's Interesting
Tweens develop passions and hobbies, whether it's basketball, Wii games, or musical theater. . And taking an active interest in your child's sport or hobby is good for her. She gets to be the teacher, which is a major confidence booster.
Make it Even Better: Find a hobby you can pursue together. Shared time on a hobby is not only fun, it is a time to talk and get closer to your tween.  It is critical at this time in your child's life to keep communication open- much easier to do in a casual and fun setting.

The Good News: His Friends are Hysterical
Sure, a group of tweens can get loud and squirrelly, but you're privy to some of the most off-the-wall conversations ever. Carpooling with tweens is a world unto itself:   Make It Even Better: "Offer your house as a gathering spot for your tween and his friends, or be the mom who drives everyone to the mall. Taking advantage of their need for a ride is the best way to get to know their friends.

The Good News: She Wants to Help
When tweens take on a project­ -- whether it's cleaning up a local park or volunteering at a food bank -- it's all or nothing.  Let Them know how proud you are of their kindness and generosity, and do everything in your power to help them act on it. I
Don't forget the power of your example. If your objective is to raise a good citizen, you have to show what that means. Make it your business to be involved, and your tween will get involved  Look for family opportunities for volunteerism; the more time you spend with your tween, the happier everyone will be. And that's not terrible at all. chrissie

What's your Mission?

What are the values that your family holds? Taking time to think and talk about them is a way for parents to convey them to their children. This communication also engenders a sense of belonging to the group, as all the members work toward the same goals. Every good organization has a mission statement.  Who they are.  What they stand for. 
An effective way to work on this would be the following process:

• The parents talk between themselves about what is important to them.
• The parents tell their children about these values.
• The entire family discusses the values so that everyone understands them.
• The parents guide all family members to make sure that actions match the stated values.

Parenting Today offers a step by step blueprint for developing a mission within a family. Once the parents have decided that this is an approach they want to take, they tell their children and have a family discussion about it, possibly at the dinner table. They help the children to understand what the benefits are when all members of the family do this.
To enforce the importance of this statement, they could: have a set dinner time, ask for children’s suggestions in planning the meal, find ways for children to help with meal preparation, and be sure to include all family members in table discussions.
If they put their efforts toward making this an enjoyable time for family members to share each other’s company and gather family solidarity from it, then the children will continue to value the time together.
The family mission statement can cover a wide diversity of values to be decided, first by the parents and then by all members. Consider any of these topics for inclusion in yours:

• the way money will be saved and spent
• the importance of education
• the amount of family time you will spend together
• the importance of activities outside the home and school
• the responsibilities each member of the family will have toward maintaining the household

Following are some guiding points that may help you toward creating your family’s mission statement:

• Both parents need to agree before bringing the points to the children.
• It is critical that the children see both parents present a united perspective. Children will recognize when there is weakness coming from one of the parents or discord between them.
• The family is not a democracy.
• Parents have the power, the experience, and the wisdom. The family is not a structure of one person/one vote. Your children are not consultants; they do not have the ability to see the big picture.
• Express your statements by saying what you want — not what you don’t want.
  Make your statements in positive terms. Instead of saying, “We don’t call each other names,” say, “We call people by their given names.” Instead of saying, “We don’t hit or kick each other,” say, “We keep our hands, feet, and objects to ourselves.”
• Explain your values by giving lots of examples to support each statement.

The more examples you can give to support your statements, the easier it will be for the children — especially the younger ones — to understand what you are talking about. If part of your mission statement is, “Education is important in our family,” your examples might include these supporting statements:

• We cooperate with the teachers at school.
• We do all our homework.
• We ask for help when we need it.
• We attend school events such as the science fair, book fair, and the school play.
• Parents attend at least two PTA meetings a year.
• We do homework before we play.
• We limit television and video watching to weekends, with a maximum of two hours every weekend.
• We go to the library every week to check out books.
• We save 20% of all money gifts for college

Keep in mind that the earlier these values are discussed and established within the family, the easier they will be able to follow as children grow into their teenage years.