The Care and Feeding Of Parents

It's universal and timeless. When parents and teenagers come together, things can go south in a hurry. As parents, we wonder why teenagers say and do- what they say and do. The big question is, how best to deal with these youngsters in the throes of adolescence. James Herring, a family counselor based in Tallahassee, Florida has turned the psychological tables, counseling teenagers on why parents say and do - what they say and do, and how best to deal with adults in the throes of parenthood.

"These are things kids can do for the care and feeding of their parents," said Herring, author and nationally syndicated columnist. "Basically, I'm telling them that if you want your parents off your back, here are some strategies to do it." Directing advice toward teens rather than parents isn't something you hear much about, but it's a great way for young people to learn how to communicate and compromise. I was intrigued by the premise.

This method teaches teens how to negotiate. It teaches life skills. Kids learn to assess not only what they want but what other people's needs are and how to identify the situation. Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their parents is a tall order. But the usual teen strategy of wearing parents down to get their way creates discord and tension on both sides. Walls go up instead of down.

Herring advises teens, "If you're obnoxious enough for long enough you may get your way, but ultimately it backfires. You've learned how to push people, but in the long run it creates resentment. It'll blow up." One of his most important strategies for taming parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal for negotiating or more importantly, when they're not ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during times of good feelings. Don't even think about demanding a later curfew while heading out the door or try to renegotiate household rules in the middle of a parental lecture.

A better strategy? Pick low-stress times for a discussion, while helping wash the dishes after dinner, for instance, or when it's just you and your parent in the car. Another tip? Be realistic. You should know your family's values well enough to realize that some things aren't negotiable .

If you find yourself complaining about nagging parents, ask yourself this question. How long have you known your parents? Based on those 15 or so years, can't you kind of predict what's important to them and what's going to bug them? "Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay up at night thinking, `How many ways can I torture them tomorrow?" Herring said.

More advice to teens? Pick a thing you and your parents disagree about. Get ahead of the situation and do it, or fix it,or change it, before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock and confusion on their faces. Reap the benefits of compromise.

Consider Perspectives
In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your parents' eyes, you're the same person they once held in their arms. Understand that it's wonderful but also hard for your parents to see you grow up. If they treat you like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective they're bringing to the situation, then negotiate. Also, their advanced years inform them in ways you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a lot different. Pitfalls and dangers are more obvious due to those "life" experiences.

Use Parents as Resources
Your parents are not the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with information. Pick their brains about any number of topics, from getting along with certain people to getting your first job. Plus, you make them feel good just by asking their advice. Who doesn't want to feel as though they have some wisdom to impart?

Cough Up an Anecdote
Your parents are interested in you, so you know it's going to happen: They will ask you about your day. If you handle it the wrong way, the conversation will go like this: How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you must have done something. Aaugh! Don't have that exchange. Instead, throw them a bone. Pick out one thing from your day and tell them all about it. That will satiate them for a while and keeps the lines of communication open between both of you.

Provide the W's Up Front
When you're heading out to be with friends, you already know the details your parents must have. Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with? When will you be home? Don't consider this an intrusion. It's actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently -and honestly - supply this information and the more your parents will let you do. Fill in the blanks and avoid the interrogation. Build trust.

You want to be more and more in charge of yourself, and guess what? That's what your parents want, too. This one is a "gimme." The more you show you can be trusted, the more freedom you will have. Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing something that will build trust or something that will break trust? In a family, trust is a commodity that gives a teen more freedom and gives parents the best gift of all. Peace of mind.