When all my kids were home, the chaos never bothered me. Extra places set for dinner when friends showed up, quilts and pillows all over bedrooms to accommodate sleep-overs, locating keys to move the 3 cars parked behind mine, empty cereal boxes and smashed coke cans- these were all good things. They were all indicators to me that my kids had friends and that our house was a place they wanted to be. I would have been concerned if the phone had not been ringing off the wall.
It is heartbreaking if your child is an outsider. These are the kids that when were younger, no one picked them for games. They weren't invited to birthday parties. No one called to meet at the movies or the skating rink. They looked different, they tried to hard, they didn't try at all, they acted goofy, they acted out, they stood apart, they said the wrong things. The question is, can a parent "fix" this?
Stacy DeBroff at www.momcentral.com offers insight into helping our kids fit in. This nationally recognized parenting expert has great tips to aid parents in helping their children feel accepted and part of a group.
Teaching good social skills is especially important for kids who have difficulty making or maintaining friendships. Often these children are difficult to get along with,have short tempers, difficulty cooperating with others, or have trouble responding correctly to social cues. You know these people. They stand to close. They don't follow conversations. They say the wrong things. Teaching good social skills and appropriate behavior is especially important for kids who just don't seem to be finding their niche or fitting in.
*Rejection and alienation by peers in childhood often carries serious emotional baggage well into adulthood. Without intervention, these children experience low self-esteem that can last a lifetime. They are at a much higher risk for issues like depression, and behavior problems.
*If she brings up her feelings of anxiety, make sure to listen and
validate her viewpoint. Listening techniques like repeating back or
rephrasing what she's saying are especially useful, as they let her know you're listening and act as a mirror for her to reflect on his thoughts in a constructive way. Avoid trying to deflect her thoughts to something else, saying that she has
no need to be concerned, or telling him what he should be feeling.
*Get proactive. Encourage your teen to get involved in extracurricular activities, to volunteer where other kids are working together, get active in youth groups at church, focus and develop talents and passions, join anything and everything that makes her part of something.
*Know what is in your power to do and what isn't. You can't engineer a place for your child on the social ladder, and you can't supply him/her with the sense of belonging that peers provide .
*Remind your teen that although friends can help us to discover
our social identity, finding our personal identity will continue long past middle school. Ultimately it is not his friends or even you that can provide him with that answer.
*Cliques come into being at every middle and high school around the country. In this transition period to young adulthood, your child is making steps to find his identity. This often means separating himself from you, and defining him-her/self in the social world. The move from familial attachment to social independence is a natural and healthy one, marking his steps into adulthood. Cliques become a social mirror. By identifying with a certain group and adopting a set of status and group admission markers, like dress,hobbies and attitudes, she is taking on a way to define herself.
* The need to fit in emerges along with acne and facial hair. Cliques
offer a feeling of security and support in the minefield of middle school
years. Though the clique itself is rife with its own dangers, the feeling of being in an exclusive group and the closely-knit nature of the pack offers your child the validation he is so desperately seeking.
* The influence of cliques begins to wane as late adolescence comes along. Though high school is filled with subdivisions of students, teens are able to move more freely between different groups. This is the good news.
* Finally, family life should offer security that your child can carry with
him into his other spheres. Make your home a safe haven for your child to express himself. Empty cereal boxes and all!
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