The idea that a "good mom" always feels positively toward her children, no matter how much they test her patience, is just one of the many myths of motherhood, says psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the APA. "Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short." From ads that feature picture-perfect mothers, to bestselling books that promise a foolproof formula for raising exceptional kids, to celebrity moms who seem to do it all with ease, experts and mothers alike agree that "mythic" images are everywhere.
The next-door neighbor seems to have it all together - at least that's what many of us think. The truth is, our neighbor probably has the same skewed view of us. "The whole Superwoman idea has gotten stronger and is more oppressive than it has ever been," says Dr. Sanford. No joke Doctor Sanford! Mothers, much more than fathers, are supposed to know the "right" curfew, the "best" school, or most enriching activities. And since we don't, we worry that we're going to mess up our kids. Below are a couple of Mom Myth Busters to help dispel all those unreal expectations.
A Good Mom balances it all
Everyone knows at least one perfect mom . She is the one who brings the homemade cupcakes to the school Valentine party with each child's name artfully written in icing and outlined in tiny red hots. She arrives in her perfectly tailored business suit and closes a deal on her Blackberry as she mans the Bean Bag game (with heart shaped bean bags that she has sewn just for the party). She hands out soccer practice schedules to all the other Moms as she leaves in a cloud of perfume and gets into her immaculate hybrid car.
How does she do it? She doesn't. At least she does not do it without other sacrifices. A home so structured that is kept so perfectly is a home not lived in. Time spent on perfect presentations is not spent on time with the family. Doing it all is not necessarily doing it right. Besides, who knows what goes on when no one is looking? Frazzled, driven, unkempt- just like us. She is just not as open about it.
There's no virtue in pretending we can do it all - or breaking our neck trying to. All that does is up stress levels. In other cultures, women flock around a new mother to help ease the child-care burden. So we need to create our own village of friends and relatives, (and the part we Moms often forget, our husband), and take turns supporting each other to get chores done, tend to responsibilities and take a bit of downtime.
We also need to recognize our limitations and be willing to make some compromises. We may not be able to do everything on our list. That is OK. In fact, it's important. Get a little balance into your life. Do things for you. "What?" " Me?" Sure. You know how the flight attendant always says in an emergency to put the oxygen mask on you first, then onto your child? The reason is, if you pass out, you won't be able to help your child in the first place. While you have your hands full juggling the demands of life, you need to recharge your own batteries. Martyrs went out with the Dark Ages. A well-rounded Mother figure is much more positive for her family.
Nope. It unfortunate but sometimes we feel undermined by other parents. "You're not having Petunia take Interpretive dance this year?" Then...the look. "What do you mean you don't cook organic?" Then, the sigh. Remember, it's their problem. Not yours. Those who cling to the mom myths are less likely to be understanding of other moms. They are too frightened of the feeling that they may have made a wrong choice and so they can't support yours. Do what your Mom instinct tells you is best for you and your family.
Of course, not all mothers are critical or feel criticized. Surround yourself with positive and non- judgemental parents who live and let live. A support system is important. A judge and jury is not.
The upshot? Some moms will be supportive and others won't. The key to dealing with those who aren't is to understand where they're coming from. Maybe talk to your "critics." You may find that they are just trying to validate their own choices out of insecurity, or haven't shared their true feelings out of fear that you might judge them.
When it comes to mom myths of any kind, the bottom line is to trust your own mothering instincts. If one of those bad mom moments sneaks up on you, here's a good anecdote to make you feel better. A mom catches her son in a fib. Being the wise and wonderful matriarch, she gives him a lecture on trust and responsibility. Looking deep into his eyes, she repeats several times, "Now that you're 10 years old, you should know better." Her son listens respectfully, then says, "Uh Mom, I'm 11."
Happy New Year from Melony and Me. Here's to all good things in 2009. Chrissie
1 comment:
I know those super moms-often their children are faced with unreal expectations and expected to be smarter, more athletic and prettier than any other kids....no ifs ands or buts.
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